Hey there adoring fans (all of you out there who have read even 1 word of this blog)!

So tomorrow is the big day (or just a day like any other) and I’m only a tad bit panicky (it’s a good thing I brought my “audition Xanax” with me).  The best part about being home, is going through all of my old pictures….and unlimited wine in my parents kitchen.  Put the two together, and you get the first part of today’s blog…

Sarah’s life comes full circle!

You see, looking through these old pictures has brought back a ton of great memories.  I am very blessed to have been surrounded by amazing friends and family my entire life.  I’ve also been blessed to see that most of the things I did as a child have come back into my (irresponsible) adult life…especially my hair cuts.  Let’s take a stroll down memory lane…

Here I am with my Mom circa 1984.  Just goin’ for a swim out back.

Now here I am with the same exact hair cut in 2001…at prom (The Dixie Chics were really popular then ok?…I wanted Natalie’s haircut, so I got it…the night before Senior Prom…it was hot….and only made me look a little bit like a 12 year old boy..PS: nice tan line Sarah).

Shout out to my prom date Graham…he has the same haircut…and is wearing fake glasses.

Then we grew it out a little into a nice side swiped bang…

That’s me chillin’ like a villan with my big bro (I seem to really want that cake).

Twenty some years later…

I learned how to get my own cake by throwing out gang signs (is the WuTang Clan still a gang?  Were they ever a gang?  Is this the right hand gesture?  Whatever, I’m  hard core).

Then we get blonder and fluffier…

Yes.  Those are antennas glued to a headband.  I was a bumble bee for my preschoool graduation.  At first we were going to be butterflies but then the teacher switched it up at the last minute and I adapted to that s*it and buzzed my little heart out (first taste as an improvisor!).

Twenty-two’ish years later…

Here’s my buddy Tony and I circa 2007 after we got the call that we were going to be in Gypsy on Broadway (shut up, that hair color is totally natural…I spent a lot of time in the sun…in the winter…in Toronto…)

Then skip like 12 years and we have my lovely Senior portrait (before the Dixie Chic/12 year old boy/Lesbian haircut).

 For the record, I don’t know what I was going for here.   Sexy?  Missunderstood?  Orange?

But it sure does look a lot like the picture I just had my Mom take of me (during a commercial break of NCIS.  What’s up with anyone over the age of 50 and that show?)

Not only have I kept up with the same hairstyles, I’ve continued with the straight up coolness…

Although I probably wasn’t drinking at a house party in the picture above, I cannot say the same for the one below here…

Then there’s my signature belly that started at a young age…

It’s gotten me pretty far.

Yeah…

And then my sexy moves…

that have made me the sexy minx that I am today…

Looking back, if the world ends tomorrow it will be alright.  I think that if I had a chance to throw a few back at a pub with my baby self she would say “Nice work almost 30 year old Sarah.  Nice work indeed”.  Then we would do a shot of Jack and each pick out a stranger to make out with.

Ps: I plan to do another post for tonight…as soon as my wine kicks in.

Pps: I really hope no child molesters are reading my blog.

Hey there adoring fans (Derek Roland)!

Have you given any thought to where you want to be for the End of the World?  Huh?  You might want to figure that out because the EOW is indeed scheduled for…

See how I incorporated a movie title about the apocalypse into my blog about the apocalypse? Pretty clever huh? Eat your heart out other funny apocalypse bloggers…

So, I’ve put a lot of thought into where I’d like to be for December 21st. Since I didn’t win the lottery, Disney World is out. Since I didn’t meet stupid Tina Fey, her apartment is out (just kidding! I still love you Tina! Let’s be best friends!) And as much as I love my amazing city of New York, the millions and millions of annoying, slow walking, picture taking tourists irk me entirely too much! I can’t have their idiocy on my shoulders when maybe having to go into possible battle with space-zombies. No, the place for me to be is at my parents house…in the middle of nowhere Virginia. This way, I get to spend time (drink lots of wine) with my folks and will probs get a heads up from one of my 1200 friends/acquaintances/people I met one time/people I’ve never met/celebrity-look-alikes on facebook if s*it goes down somewhere. So this morning Ruby and I packed our things, borded a train (not a rental car as I had hoped but am too poor for, but still better than a Chinatown bus where the driver only wears one shoe and spits tobacco every 3/4 of a mile) and headed south!

Ok Ruby. Let’s go!

You wanna know a fool proof way to keep someone from sitting next to you on a train?

Wear headphones…

And sit next to an awesome celebrity like Grey’s Anatomy’s Ellen Pompeo…

So we go on a 7 hour train ride to see the rents (that’s what cool kids used to call their parents in the late 90’s. Super ool right. That’s like cool without the c. Which un-ool people like myself make up when they’re riding a train for 7 hours…or like the sign on my neighbor’s pool growing up that said “WELCOME TO OUR OOL. NOTICE THERE IS NO P IN IT. WE’D LIKE TO KEEP IT THAT WAY…I DIGRESS).

So after watching both “Pitch Perfect” (amazing) and Disney’s “Brave” (not as good as “Tangled”) on my Kindle Fire …I made it!

My lovely Mom picked me up…

And then I came home…
(Well, not the house I grew up in…my parents moved back to Virginia after I moved to New York…that’s why they’re so Southern …and deliciously charming)

The first thing that happened upon arrival: Buddy peed on Ruby (that’s what we call a southern handshake)…

Then I got friendly with Otis (you see, in the South you must own no less than 2 hunting dogs…even if you don’t hunt…and they must have bright green alien eyes…protocol…)

So now that it’s passed 9:30 and the rents (we’ve already discussed the word rents) are off to slumber, I guess Ruby and I shall catch up on some of those cute cat youtube videos that you can’t get enough of …especially before…

You see how I brought another apocalyptic movie back in there? Huh? That’s called a call back joke.  I learned it in my Comedy for Dummies book.  Clever girl …

Ps: Cheers…

We have one of those memory foam beds where a girl in a nighty jumps up and down on the mattress over a glass of wine…Ruby was tired…and left her nighties at home… accidentally.

Pps: holla to the Big Bang…don’t ask.

Hey there adoring fans (Sophie Burke)!

“Sarah!  It’s almost the End of the World (which is all you seem to talk about).  What the heck have you been doing for our last days?!”

Well theoretical voice, stop being such a pessimist!  The world might not end…but just in case… I’ve been busy decorating for my End of the World/ Holiday party!

Note: this is not my apartment…or dog.
Now, as I’ve already taught you all how to make your own snowflakes out of old magazines (what?  You didn’t read Day 56: Drunken Arts and Crafts?  How dare you?! You’re never going to become an adoring fan in the next 3 days with that kind of lack of commitment).  The next step to creating an awesomely decorated hallway is to get together with your roommates and create dopplegangers of yourselves to hang on the wall (a few drinks always helps with the process).  Now you have fun (and a little creepy) people that you can decorate for any occasion (Halloween, Christmas, Flag Day, Thursday).  This time, I’ve turned ours into “Gnomes of the Winter Wonderland”…

Here’s mine…

Yep…those are cotton balls that I’ve dipped in glitter…and have already started to fall off…dangit…time to get out the hot glue gun….time to call my neighbor to borrow her hot glue gun.

And here’s Abby (she’s a tad “early nineties slutty gnome”)…

And then there’s John…he’s always a little sexy…

Next we add some lights…

Then add some classy bows to the kitchen…

I know what you’re thinking…”Why Sarah, how have you maintained such a fabulous ass while writing a daily blog, skipping the gym and opting instead to drink heavily?”  Well, that’s my little secret you sassy theoretical voice you.

Now it’s time for everyone’s favorite…

the tree!

Time to grab the box out from under the bed…

Mmmm…smell that mildew!  Nothing a little pine scented car air freshener cant’ fix.

Time to put it together.  Fun Fact: I got this tree in Detroit…the land of decent sports teams, Little Caesar’s Pizza, and high murder rates.

Now that the tree is good and trimmed (by the 15 pack of red ornaments bought at Creepy Al’s 99 cents store), what shall we top it with?

I’ve got it!

Hey Flat Pam and Flat Sarah!  Lookin’ sharp (enough to give me a paper cut…cause you’re made out of paper.  Get it?)

Now what’s next?  Oh yes.  Hey there friend Rebecca, would you mind helping me out with decorating the bathroom?

Whatcha got there?  A blue tinsel triangle?  What does that have to do with Christmas?

Oh I see.  It’s a snowflake right?  No?  The Star of David?  Who’s David?  Is he friends with Jesus?  Was he the 10th reindeer that got cut when Santa realized his name wasn’t jovial enough?

Alright.  Well now that we’re all done with decorating, all we have to do is wait for the guests to arrive

To be continued…

Hey there adoring fans (Nadia)!

December 21st is less than a week away!  Holy crap.  I guess I should pause this episode of Teen Mom 2 and go hang out with one of my dear friends.  Becca Pace!

I love Becca Pace (even though she makes my head look like a giant that got stung by a bee…on the face, every time I take a picture with her), and with our tricky schedules (Becca is a personal trainer and I like to take naps) it’s hard to find time to see one another.  With the world ending (or not) we decided to make a date for some live music and whiskey.  After a few rounds of whiskey and conversation about the most important things in life (friends, family, and internet porn) we decided to play…

Hey Sarah!  What’s in your bag?

How do you play “Hey Sarah!  What’s in your bag?”  You simply have Sarah open her obnoxiously large bag and see what’s in it.  Let’s see shall we?

We’ve got half of a bottle of Coke Zero…no surprise here.

A (rather disgusting) makeup bag in desperate need of replacing (something I’ll worry about on or after the martians don’t destroy us, you know… December 22nd)…

An ABW sock (already been worn)…gross.

Oooohh…here’s where my glasses are!  Safe and secure in their Spong Bob Square Pants case.  No, I’m not too old for this.

“Bartender, another round please…”

Oh Wow!  I forgot I bought this.  I was really tired (hammered) after work one night and bought this Miss. Piggy lollipop because I thought that if someone ever asked me what cartoon character I looked like, I would say her..

See what I mean?

That’s right.  I also have a Santa hat in my bag.  You never know when you’re gonna need one.

“Thank you bartender.  This round’s on me”

Yep, those sunglasses were in my Bag ‘O Fun too.  No, I’m not too old for them.  What’s next.  Oh yeah, my fave girls that I keep living inside my Golden Compass (haha…that sounds dirty…inside my golden compass…gross)

“I’m sorry girls.  I simply cannot afford to buy you a drink….I already said I’d buy the next round for Becca and I,  and there’s no take-sees back-sees when it comes to bar etiquette.  Now, if I had won the lottery last week that would be a differents story.  Hold on, I think I can solve this problem.  Here we go girls.”

Now one swig of peppermint schnapps a piece.  You only weigh like -.5 oz.  This should get you nice and toasty…and minty.

What else?  Oh, look… Long Johns!  You never know when you’re going to get cold?  But really, you never know when it’s going to be cold anymore.  (Stupid global warming…that doesn’t exist… according to some D-bags…good thing I bought a Coke zero today…5 cents of each purchase goes to a homeless polar bear.)

And here’s this little guy.  It’s a pencil topper that I got from my friend Jay while doing Tarzan.   I always forget that I keep it in one of the small pockets and I freak out when I go in there because I think it’s a spider or something..but then I just put it back so I will be surprised again the next time I go in that pocket…it’s the little things.   No, again, I’m not too old for this.

Well, that’s all folks.  I had a fantastic night with an amazing friend.  And realized that if the world continues…I should probably make more time for my amazing friends…and  clean out my purse more often.  No, I take it back.  I found some awesome stuff in there.  If I got stuck in an elevator or something, I could totally Macgyver my way out.  I mean, finger monkeys, peppermint schnapps, and an ABW sock…it could happen.  And I’d nail that s*it!

Oh, and one more thing I found in my Bag ‘O Fun…tampons.  You’re welcome fellas.

Hey there adoring fans (William Michael)!

Remember when I spent $66 on the lottery?  Well…. I won!  I am writing this post while riding in a hot pink stretch limo on my way to the airport!  I’m going to Disney World!  I’m spending the end of the world with effing Mickey Mouse!  Oh and I bought an eye patch made out of solid gold, and Tina Fey is meeting me at the gate…

Oh wait.  No.  I didn’t win the lottery at all.  It was only a Vanilla Vodka induced dream…

Hey there adoring fans (Micki Weiner)!

As the apocalypse is getting closer and closer I’m freaking out more and more. I’ve realized that not only do I need to get some things done that I’ve always want to do, but to also see all of the people that I want to see before the big Kung Pao (that’s Chinese for Kaboom…which is Indian for wam bam thank you mam…which is white trash for explode….which is all racist…I do apologize).   This is where Michael and Craig come in…

Michael and Craig are two of my best friends in the world.  They’re my brothers from another mother(s).  I met them at a bar (big surprise) 5… 6… or 7 years ago (can’t be quite sure.  Bar years are like Dog years…1 year equals 7 years…which isn’t accurate…this joke is bombing fast….I guess this is what the delete button is for…which I’m not going to use…so just keep reading the poop on a stick sentence…sorry about it).  Monday nights have often been dinner time with Michael and Craig (and by dinner time I mean Craig cooks us dinner while Michael and I drink (lots of) wine.  Well not this time.  This time I showed up early (while Michael was at work…as a personal trainer…with his hot hot body) and Craig and I made dinner for him (Craig showed me how to do some cooking stuff and I drank wine).  We started at the grocery store…

“See Sarah, this is what a shrimp is.”

“Now, we need a carrot to cut the acidity in the sauce.  Sarah, have you seen any carrots?”

“Oh Sarah, you are positively hilarious!  The way you turned that carrot into a penis is genius!  You’re a regular Carol Burnett.  Now do you know how to pick out basil?  That’s an herb.  No, not like marijuana.  Yes, that’s an herb too.  It’s not used for cooking.  Well, yes some people use it in cookies but that’s not what we’re talking about today.  No,  we’re just making dinner.  Ok, now find the basil.”

“Good work!  Now we just need some bread.  Sarah, can you find us some bread?”

“Oh look, you turned the bread into a penis too.  This is also hilarious.  With jokes like that, you are certainly the next Lucile Ball.  Now, we’re all set to go.  Sarah what are you doing?  We don’t need any mozzarella today.  Oh, I see.  You’re making boobs.  How fantastically funny you are!”

“Now we just need to pick up one more thing before we head home.  Yup, you got it Sarah.”

“Great!  Now let’s head home and start cooking.  First we need to sharpen the knives.”

“Oh look.  You’re doing it again.  No matter how many times you do the same joke.  It still works!”

“Ok.  Let’s cut some carrots.  Ok, let’s cut some carrots.”

“See you cut them like this.  Would you like to try Sarah?’

“Good work.  Now be careful.  That knife is very sharp.  Watch out!  Oh no!”

“Oh, silly you.  That’s just ketchup.  I wish Michael was here to see how positively clever you are.”

“Now we slice the bread…No Sarah.  Slice the bread…don’t eat it.”

“Now that we’ve done all this work (that I didn’t take pictures of because I was busy tasting the wine) let’s serve up the bruschetta!”

“Then we’ll do some more stuff that wasn’t depicted because you were drinking some more wine…”

“And now we eat the amazing food!  Look at our pretty tree!”

“Michael just texted.  He’ll be home in 5 min Sarah.  He says he can’t wait to see you!  Sarah?…Sarah?”

Hey there adoring fans (Dad)!

So tonight was my third and final try (and epic fail) of seeing Wicked before the end of the world (my schedule is packed between now and the EOW).  I arrived at the lottery a half an hour early and no one was there.  It was looking to be a lucky night.  But like sneaky sneakersons…40 Japanese tourists came 5 minutes before the drawing and won all of the tickets.   I just don’t understand the Japanese’s fascination with this show. But then I guess I have a fascination with the show too…maybe I’m part Japanese…

So, alas, I did not get to see the show…again.    I took my sad loser face to Duane Reade to buy some dental floss, and noticed that they had my favourite (sometimes I like to feel fancy and spell things the European way) winter beer, Harpoon Winter Warmer.  So, I forgot the floss, grabbed some beer and headed home to …

Decorate for Christmas!

(Even though the Mayans say that Christmas is not going to happen…you know…with the whole “wold ending on December 21st” thing.  Whatever, I’m throwing a party on the 17th and my crib is going to get the s*it decorated out of it!)

So, here’s a “how to” video of snowflake making…

If you need more of a tutorial (because you are not craft savy and have yet to understand the “how to’s” of snowflake making…or the video is taking too long to load on your smart phone) here’s a step by step….

1. Grab some magazines (that are lying around your apartment because your roommate had some extra rewards points that he couldn’t use for anything better than magazine subscriptions).  Holla Anne Hathaway.  Where’s your pants?  Can’t wait for Les Mis!

2. Drink a festive holiday beer.

3. Pick out a pretty ad.

4. Fold to make a square.

5. Cut off end piece.

6. Fold in half.

7. Do that s*it again.

8. Cut out some squiggly pieces.

9. Carefully unfold…wow…this looks like a bull skull…or the female reproductive system.

10. And you’ve got a snowflake.

11. Congratulations on your hard work!  You should probably drink another beer to celebrate…

12. Tape them (the snowflakes…not the beers…although that’s not a bad idea…next year Sarah….next year) to your walls…and add some little pieces tinsel for shine.

13. You’re done! But maybe…1 more beer…

Beautiful (free) decorations!

“Hey Sarah.  Are those pictures of life sized people on your walls?”  Why yes they are.  To be explained another day…

Hey there adoring fans (John.Raterman)!

As the clock of doom is counting down to…well…Dooms Day, I still have yet to achieve my #1 goal…

Meet Tina Fey!

I’m starting to run out of hope that this will ever happen.  I mean, I’ve done everything humanly possible to meet this goddess of comedy (and of pulling off both straight AND wavy hair…that’s not easy fellas).  So far,  I’ve walked aimlessly around 30 Rockefeller Center…

t

Couldn’t find her.
I’ve sent her a fan letter written on a hand turkey.

No response.

And I’ve written a Facebook status update…

I mean.  What else was I supposed to do?!?!  Find out her social security number and hack into her old Frienster account?  Well, I would if I could folks, but I doubt it would get me anywhere. I mean who uses Friendster?   Then it came to me.  A girl at work mentioned that Tina came into the restaurant that she used to work at once.  I got it!  I’ll just go to that restaurant for brunch (bottomless Bloody Marys) and run into Tina Fey while wearing the same outfit that she’ll be wearing and say “Hi Tina Fey.  Look!  We’re wearing the same outfit.  Then Tina will laugh and invite me to come work for her on her new hilarious television show (I have no idea if she’s working on a new show, but if she is I hope it involves Dance Moms and baby penguins…now that’s an idea!).  My plan was fool proof!

Step 1: dress in the exact same outfit that Tina will be wearing…

That you had to borrow from your roommate John…

Step 2:  Go to the restaurant that someone told you Tina went to one time.

Step 3: Stay there for 2 hours (drinking) until she doesn’t show up and brunch is over and your dreams of ever meeting her before the world explodes are crushed…sad face.

Step 4:  Mope about it until your friend gets tired of you and decides to punch you in the thyroid.  Then make up and go to a bar with the most fabulous Christmas decorations ever!

I know you’re out there Tina!  I’ve only got a few days left but I WILL FIND YOU!  ok, I’m sorry about that.  Why does using Caps lock make me look like a serial molester?  Oh and Tina, I found out where you work out…I’LL BE WAITING…sorry again…i’ll be waiting to meet you, except not really because I can’t even afford a smoothie at that place.