Day 73: G is for go to the gym you fat ass…

Hey there adoring fans (Holly Steinberg)!

“It’s going to be a gorgeous sunset.”

“Close the shutters…all of them…”

is the part of the Sex and the City movie that I’m at and just turned off because I promised myself I would write a post before I head off to shot girl land tonight.  You know how hard it is to turn off the Sex and the City movie (the first one obviously…the second one we all know was a racist bust)?

Anywho…my newest goal of taking care of my body is going pretty well.  I’ve been P-gan (pescatarian-vegan) and coke zero free for 3 days now and it’s going great (minus the 10am shakes I get from not having my beloved cancer causing diet soda).  I figured it was time to get my ass back to the gym.

Remember when you were 24 and hot and looked like this while you were working out?

workout 1

Yeah….me neither (also, why is this girl showing her vagina bone at the gym?  Are there specific exercises out there to tone your vagina bone?  Why weren’t they in my women’s health magazine?)

Unlike the girl pictured above, my first day back to the gym after a few months (minus the day I took Flat Pam and Flat Sarah to the gym…whatever happened to those girls?  Oh right, they’re still on top of the Christmas tree) felt a little more like this…


workout 2

You didn’t know I owned a leopard print unitard did you?  I spent  30 minutes on the elliptical, followed by some free hand weights and ….oh no…I’ve become one of those people that thinks other people are interested in what they did at the gym…I hate those people…everyone hates those people…abort abort!

I did however see some pretty interesting pubic hair in the locker room.  I’m thinking about trying some of those designs out.  Stay tuned.

My new goal however is to do 100 crunches a day.  I’m only telling you this because if I say I’m going to do something on my blog then I have to actually do it (this suggestion brought to you by Self magazine….I have too many magazines).

Ps: I really don’t understand how celebrities always look so cute when they’re coming home from the gym…

Reese Witherspoon Leaving The Gym In Los Angeles

And in the rain no less.  Nope.  Here’s how I rock it…

workout 4

You’re damn right that’s a fanny pack.  Jealous?

Ok, eating better and getting back in shape.  You know, just making myself a happier and healthier vomit…whoops…I meant person.  Now, you can vomit.

Day 71: Help! The Apocalypse shrunk my pants!

Hey there adoring fans (“Sabrina” from the Verizon Tech Support team that restored my 571 contacts)!

Ah, here we are.  Safe and sound on December 26th.  The world didn’t end.  I ate cheese fries.  Christmas was wonderful.  I drank 7 bottles of wine.  And here I am just 5 days post apocalypse and I can’t seem to button my pants.  Surely it’s not my fault.  I mean, my parents have a really hot dryer.  My ass swelled on the 7 hour train ride home.  There’s absolutely no way that opting to write a blog instead of eating right, taking dance class, and hitting the gym for 6 months would have any effect on my sexy body…


scale 1

Ok.  To be fair, the scale read 129.8 before I picked up my phone (You hear that?  It’s the sound of the little x at the top of the screen being clicked on by any dude reading this post.  What’s the matter fellas?  Don’t want to read about a lady and her weight?  But I’m naked in this picture.  Does that help?  No?  Ok, tune in tomorrow where I will be talking about motorcycles and hand jobs).  The truth is, I’ve only gained 5 lbs in the last year.  The problem is that my body has turned into 129.8 lbs of cheese, salt and vinegar potato chips, coke zero and lots and lots of booze. I feel like crap and now that the world is not going to end, I guess I should start taking care of myself…you know, so I can look (and feel) really hot for the next apocalypse.

My first step was to re-watch this really awesome documentary called…

Hungry for Change


It’s by the same peeps that made Food Matters (Netflix that son!).  It talks about all the effed up s*it that is going on with our food and yadda yadda yadda we should eat a more natural plant based diet.  I did this whole 80% vegan diet for 5 months last year and felt awesome.  I had also lost the 5lbs that I had put on, felt less tired, and had awesome skin. (You hear that?  It’s the sound of anyone else that would rather suck on a lead based paint  popsicle than read about a vegan diet).   Don’t worry, I’m not going to document everything I eat and take pictures of my poop everyday.  I’m just taking one step at a time to create a better life for my self (now that I’m going to be able to hold onto it for a little while longer).

Step 1:  No more Coke Zero (gasp!)

scale coke zero

I know I say this about twice a year, but this time I really am quitting coke zero.   In my little documentary here, I’ve learned that aspartame is quite addictive (so you see, it’s not my fault that I drink 4 20oz bottles a day!).  What happens is that it kills your cute little brain cells, but right before they die they get really excited, which makes you crave that feeling over and over again so you keep drinking more and more.  And even though it is labeled as zero calories, the way your body deals with it is by turning it into sugar…or fat…or vaseline…or something (I may not have really paid attention to that part).  Anywho, this stuff is terrible for you (as we already know…and as I just chose to ignore…you know, because we were going to be attacked by zombies).

So, instead of my usual morning stop at the gas stations, I opted instead to go to the organic market and grab a fresh vegetable juice.

scale juicer

Just a few pounds of juiced beets, spinach, celery, carrots, and garlic.

scale juice

$4.79 are you trying to bankrupt me?!?!  You evil organic market you!!

Breathe Sarah…just breathe.   You usually drink like 3 Coke zeros a day which ends up being like $4.50 worth of dead little brain cells.  You’ll be fine…or you’ll save up to buy yourself a juicer.  Or meet a handsome rich man who will buy one for you.  Screw that.  You don’t need a man to get you what you need in life.  You’re an independent woman!  All my single ladies…all my single ladies…now put your hands up…


I digress.

Anywho…no more coke zero or any other processed foods for me.  I’m going 80% vegan (there’s probs going to be dairy in some unexpected food items that I hadn’t accounted for).  Plus I’m still going to eat seafood.  I’ll be what I like to call a P-gan (pescatarian-vegan).   I’m trademarking that word (if I knew what trademarking meant).  Let’s try this out for 30 days (minus my birthday) and see how it goes.

Wish me luck!

Day 70-ish : it’s beginning to look a lot like technology has it in for me…

Hey there adoring fans (drunk kid sitting on the train next to me)!

Wasn’t planning on blogging tonight but I think all technology really has it in for me…or out for me?  Whichever one means that every piece of technology I own has gotten together and formed an “I hate Sarah…we should probably all go wacko on her at once for no apparent reason and see what she does” club.  So far, my computer has the same amount of battery life as my grandmother has bladder control, my stupid effing android galaxy has mysteriously lost all of my contacts (subliminally telling me that my friends don’t like me…Well they do like me you stupid android!…they do…) and to top it all off…
My kindle fire won’t let me watch Magic Mike…which I specifically downloaded to watch on this 7 hour train ride (twice)!!! 

This is the disclaimer that pops up to tell me that the “downloaded video cannot be viewed at this time and to try again later …you stupid pirate hooker.”


As you may have noticed, I’ve been typing in bold print.  Are the last few sentences so important that they are worthy of bold print?  Nope, my wordpress app on this stupid phone just won’t go back to regular font.  Great!  Oh, there we go.   Finally.  I guess I just had to push the button with the big “B” on it.  Now, as I have what looks to be another 2.75 hours of train ride left,  I’ll entertain you with some blurry pictures (as my phone does not take pics well when there is any type of movement…fantastic).

Look, here’s Ruby whom I smuggled on the train in her dog bag that I’ve sneakily covered with my coat. Look out Columbo (who I think was a detective…of some sort)!


Okay, so that’s her leg, not a very interesting shot, huh?

Well hows about this…?


These are some sheets that my mom gave me for Christmas (I think that she believes that if I have nice sheets that some day soon I will provide a grandchild).

Still not exciting enough of a boogie (haha… my phone auto corrected blog into boogie. That’s kind of funny. Ok phone, let’s be friends again) for you? Well here’s a picture of my Women’s Health Magazine…


With an article asking whether or not you drink too much…


Great.  So now not only is technology trying to destroy me (minus the boogie incident) …the magazine industry is trying to give me low self esteem.   Well screw you Women’s Health!  I’m going to spend the last 2 and a half hours on this train not reading that article!

(I will however read the articles about how to get Flat Abs, Firm Butt and Toned Legs. )

(And probs the article about Hot New Sex Positions…you know…for my mom and her future grandchildrens sake.)

Wish me luck and Merry Christmas!

Day 68: Bull’s eye…

Hey there adoring fans (Tommy Harron)!

So, I’ve been spending lots of time with my folks these last couple of (end of) days.   I don’t have much to report on.  I’m crazy happy that we still have our beautiful planet, but I’m overwhelmed for what I should write about it.  In the meantime I will be providing videos that I think are mildly entertaining…

Our first is a video of our sitz probe (which means the first time that you get to rehearse with the entire orchestra…not just the pianist…sounds like penis…giggle) at the North Shore Musical Theatre’s production of “GYPSY.”  One of my many (chorus)  roles in this production was the “Front End of Cow” in Dainty June’s Big Number (I’m not quite sure why I italicized that, but it is her big production number (if there was an app that threw glitter on the screeen for any time someone says “production number” than I would use it!  Oh wait, they should totes make an app for that…don’t tell anyone about my idea…seriously…wait, what were we talking about?  I’m totes going to cut down on my wine consumption after my 30th birthday…I digress…)).

So basically, everyone was in sweats and we were just getting to know the orchestra (lovely) …until I got bored…and put on a pink string bikini (to be funny..sitz probes get really boring when you’re only in 2 scenes…one of which you are in a giant cow costume..there are not enough crossword puzzles in the world to help with these 8 hours of boredom…plus, you’re wearing a giant cow head!  it’s just funny)…to break my co-worker  (Amanda…who I love!)…and my director (Dick Sabellico…who I love love love) and for me to  make an ass out of myself…

So this video started with Dainty June onstage and had no idea that she was going to encounter a “different” kinda cow…

Day 66: The Last Supper…

Hey there adoring fans (My Mary Trotter)!

What would you eat for your last meal?  You know, say if some ancient people predicted that the world was going to end on December 21st 2012 and it was well, December 21st 2012?  Hmm?  Chocolate cake?   Lobster?  Vodka?  For me, it’s a trip down under!  Wait, no…that sounds oddly sexual…by down under I mean Australia…not genitalia…get your mind out of the gutter…who me?…my mind isn’t in the gutter…it’s you, you weirdo…

66 sarah 16

Ooops, all of this genitalia talk made me lose my train of thought.  This is the wrong picture.  My mom made us stop at the Tractor Supply Store for Chicken Feed before dinner (the amount of camouflage sold here is disturbing, more so because they start with toddler sizes…in pink….Plus side, they do have every single flavor of beef jerkey ever invented…who knew Honey Nutmeg would go well with dried and salted beef?)

My favorite meal (which I have on my Birthday every year…which hopefully I’ll get to do again on January 3rd…if there is a January 3rd…the day’s not over yet) is at…

66 sarah 15

Here it is folks!  My single favorite meal of all time!

We start off with some Wallaby Darned’s (basically a frozen peach daquiri that is like 700 calories but is crazy delicious).

66 sarah 18

Thank you waitress Stacy who keeps calling me ma’am and didn’t ask to see my ID…it’s fine Sarah…you’re just getting older…breathe…breathe…breathe.

Then we order a sensible side salad with ranch dressing (is it still cool to overuse the word sensible?  I’m gonna roll with it anyway)…

66 sarah 19     Don’t forget the bread and butter…a delicious staple at the OBS.

Then comes the bestest most delicious 2 food items on the Earth…

1. Cheese Fries

2. Bloomin’ Onion!

hallelujah! hallelujah-hallelujah-halleee-lujah!

(that’s the sound of 3 million fat angels wetting their pants over the deliciousness that is these 2 glorious appetizers)

66 sarah 20

Mmmmm….if we have to be passed onto the after life, or imprisoned by eight legged zombies, (or absolutely nothing happens before midnight tonight) it will be all good knowing that I’ve finished this world as we know it with this glorious meal.

66 sarah 21(I cropped out my forehead wrinkle in this shot… something to worry about on December 22nd…botox)

Plus, my fab Mom (who has lost over 50 lbs and is now signing up to run a 10k…woot woot!)  received a gift card from her employer yesterday…it’s a sign!

66 sarah 17Love you Mammasita!

Now time to head home to wait out the rest of the sensible day.

So… what did you have for your sensible last supper?

66 sarah 23

Day 65 Part II: It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday…

Hey there adoring fans (I mean it, anyone who’s read any part of this out there)!

So here it is, 12:30’ish am December 21st 2012. I’m still s*itting my pants about the space zombies but  I’m going to go ahead and say right now that this blog is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.  Whether or not the world ends, I’ve taken the time to get back to being myself (a disgusting weirdo)…being creative…and taking risks.  I cannot thank all of you readers enough for supporting me along this production.  The love and support (and amazing comments…if the world doesn’t end, take note that you can leave comments…) that I’ve received from you guys has been incredible.  I have accomplished so many things in these last 66 days that I never would have made a point to do.  I’ve also missed a few…

I never met Tina Fey…

66 sarah 13

I never saw a live taping of SNL…

66 sarah 14


I never fell in love…

wait for it….

In all of my pursuits to fall in love… man hunting, online dating, hookery (j/k) ,  I have yet to find that “special someone”  (although I have “made out” with several non-special someones…just to be sure).  But guess what?  I didn’t need to find  a man to fall in love with (gasp!).  I (as my friend Rebecca predicted) have fallen in love with…myself.  I really don’t mean for that to sound vain.  Seriously.  I didn’t know I had it in me.  All of my life,  I hadn’t realized that  I could become anything except a cute blonde chorus girl (who makes occasional fart jokes)  wishing and hoping that one day a gorgeous prince would come along to complete me.  Well, news flash to me…you don’t need anyone to complete you…if you are complete yourself (I know, go choke down a bag of granola why dontcha?!   Maybe hug a unicorn?!).   I’ve grown so much in my 29.95 years of life and it is 100%  thanks to all of the terrific friends and family that I have surrounded myself with (PS: my mom’s computer doesn’t have that spell check thing where there is a squiggly red line under anything you spell wrong so this blog post could be pretty bad…plus I’ve drank a bottle(s) of wind…whatevs, it’s the end of the world!).  I could go into further detail about these people these “life changers”, but A: they know who they are.  And B: I’m going to spend our last hours calling them 🙂

Here’s a fun shot of me and my (amazing)  Dad…just cause I love him.


In conclusion: I am so happy to have lived the life that I’ve been blessed with and to have met the most amazing people that the world has to offer.  Thank you all for reading my silly little blog, and I wish you all a “Happy Apocalypse!”


Day 65 Part I: Reflection…

Hey there adoring fans (all of you out there who have read even 1 word of this blog)!

So tomorrow is the big day (or just a day like any other) and I’m only a tad bit panicky (it’s a good thing I brought my “audition Xanax” with me).  The best part about being home, is going through all of my old pictures….and unlimited wine in my parents kitchen.  Put the two together, and you get the first part of today’s blog…

Sarah’s life comes full circle!

You see, looking through these old pictures has brought back a ton of great memories.  I am very blessed to have been surrounded by amazing friends and family my entire life.  I’ve also been blessed to see that most of the things I did as a child have come back into my (irresponsible) adult life…especially my hair cuts.  Let’s take a stroll down memory lane…

Here I am with my Mom circa 1984.  Just goin’ for a swim out back.


Now here I am with the same exact hair cut in 2001…at prom (The Dixie Chics were really popular then ok?…I wanted Natalie’s haircut, so I got it…the night before Senior Prom…it was hot….and only made me look a little bit like a 12 year old boy..PS: nice tan line Sarah).

Scan0008Shout out to my prom date Graham…he has the same haircut…and is wearing fake glasses.

Then we grew it out a little into a nice side swiped bang…


That’s me chillin’ like a villan with my big bro (I seem to really want that cake).

Twenty some years later…

66 sarah 9

I learned how to get my own cake by throwing out gang signs (is the WuTang Clan still a gang?  Were they ever a gang?  Is this the right hand gesture?  Whatever, I’m  hard core).

Then we get blonder and fluffier…

Scan0003Yes.  Those are antennas glued to a headband.  I was a bumble bee for my preschoool graduation.  At first we were going to be butterflies but then the teacher switched it up at the last minute and I adapted to that s*it and buzzed my little heart out (first taste as an improvisor!).

Twenty-two’ish years later…

Here’s my buddy Tony and I circa 2007 after we got the call that we were going to be in Gypsy on Broadway (shut up, that hair color is totally natural…I spent a lot of time in the sun…in the winter…in Toronto…)

66 sarah 6

Then skip like 12 years and we have my lovely Senior portrait (before the Dixie Chic/12 year old boy/Lesbian haircut).

 For the record, I don’t know what I was going for here.   Sexy?  Missunderstood?  Orange?


But it sure does look a lot like the picture I just had my Mom take of me (during a commercial break of NCIS.  What’s up with anyone over the age of 50 and that show?)

66 sarah 10

Not only have I kept up with the same hairstyles, I’ve continued with the straight up coolness…


Although I probably wasn’t drinking at a house party in the picture above, I cannot say the same for the one below here…

66 sarah 8

Then there’s my signature belly that started at a young age…


It’s gotten me pretty far.

66 sarah 3


And then my sexy moves…


that have made me the sexy minx that I am today…

66 sarah 5

Looking back, if the world ends tomorrow it will be alright.  I think that if I had a chance to throw a few back at a pub with my baby self she would say “Nice work almost 30 year old Sarah.  Nice work indeed”.  Then we would do a shot of Jack and each pick out a stranger to make out with.

Ps: I plan to do another post for tonight…as soon as my wine kicks in.

Pps: I really hope no child molesters are reading my blog.

Day 64: Where are you going to be?

Hey there adoring fans (Derek Roland)!

Have you given any thought to where you want to be for the End of the World?  Huh?  You might want to figure that out because the EOW is indeed scheduled for…


See how I incorporated a movie title about the apocalypse into my blog about the apocalypse? Pretty clever huh? Eat your heart out other funny apocalypse bloggers…

So, I’ve put a lot of thought into where I’d like to be for December 21st. Since I didn’t win the lottery, Disney World is out. Since I didn’t meet stupid Tina Fey, her apartment is out (just kidding! I still love you Tina! Let’s be best friends!) And as much as I love my amazing city of New York, the millions and millions of annoying, slow walking, picture taking tourists irk me entirely too much! I can’t have their idiocy on my shoulders when maybe having to go into possible battle with space-zombies. No, the place for me to be is at my parents house…in the middle of nowhere Virginia. This way, I get to spend time (drink lots of wine) with my folks and will probs get a heads up from one of my 1200 friends/acquaintances/people I met one time/people I’ve never met/celebrity-look-alikes on facebook if s*it goes down somewhere. So this morning Ruby and I packed our things, borded a train (not a rental car as I had hoped but am too poor for, but still better than a Chinatown bus where the driver only wears one shoe and spits tobacco every 3/4 of a mile) and headed south!

Ok Ruby. Let’s go!


You wanna know a fool proof way to keep someone from sitting next to you on a train?

Wear headphones…


And sit next to an awesome celebrity like Grey’s Anatomy’s Ellen Pompeo…


So we go on a 7 hour train ride to see the rents (that’s what cool kids used to call their parents in the late 90’s. Super ool right. That’s like cool without the c. Which un-ool people like myself make up when they’re riding a train for 7 hours…or like the sign on my neighbor’s pool growing up that said “WELCOME TO OUR OOL. NOTICE THERE IS NO P IN IT. WE’D LIKE TO KEEP IT THAT WAY…I DIGRESS).

So after watching both “Pitch Perfect” (amazing) and Disney’s “Brave” (not as good as “Tangled”) on my Kindle Fire …I made it!

My lovely Mom picked me up…

And then I came home…
(Well, not the house I grew up in…my parents moved back to Virginia after I moved to New York…that’s why they’re so Southern …and deliciously charming)

The first thing that happened upon arrival: Buddy peed on Ruby (that’s what we call a southern handshake)…

Then I got friendly with Otis (you see, in the South you must own no less than 2 hunting dogs…even if you don’t hunt…and they must have bright green alien eyes…protocol…)

So now that it’s passed 9:30 and the rents (we’ve already discussed the word rents) are off to slumber, I guess Ruby and I shall catch up on some of those cute cat youtube videos that you can’t get enough of …especially before…

You see how I brought another apocalyptic movie back in there? Huh? That’s called a call back joke.  I learned it in my Comedy for Dummies book.  Clever girl …

Ps: Cheers…

We have one of those memory foam beds where a girl in a nighty jumps up and down on the mattress over a glass of wine…Ruby was tired…and left her nighties at home… accidentally.

Pps: holla to the Big Bang…don’t ask.

Day 59 or 60 or 63 or so…

Hey there adoring fans (Sophie Burke)!

“Sarah!  It’s almost the End of the World (which is all you seem to talk about).  What the heck have you been doing for our last days?!”

Well theoretical voice, stop being such a pessimist!  The world might not end…but just in case… I’ve been busy decorating for my End of the World/ Holiday party!


Note: this is not my apartment…or dog.
Now, as I’ve already taught you all how to make your own snowflakes out of old magazines (what?  You didn’t read Day 56: Drunken Arts and Crafts?  How dare you?! You’re never going to become an adoring fan in the next 3 days with that kind of lack of commitment).  The next step to creating an awesomely decorated hallway is to get together with your roommates and create dopplegangers of yourselves to hang on the wall (a few drinks always helps with the process).  Now you have fun (and a little creepy) people that you can decorate for any occasion (Halloween, Christmas, Flag Day, Thursday).  This time, I’ve turned ours into “Gnomes of the Winter Wonderland”…

Here’s mine…

decor sarah

Yep…those are cotton balls that I’ve dipped in glitter…and have already started to fall off…dangit…time to get out the hot glue gun….time to call my neighbor to borrow her hot glue gun.

And here’s Abby (she’s a tad “early nineties slutty gnome”)…


decor abby

And then there’s John…he’s always a little sexy…


decor john

Next we add some lights…

decor lights

Then add some classy bows to the kitchen…


decor kitchen

I know what you’re thinking…”Why Sarah, how have you maintained such a fabulous ass while writing a daily blog, skipping the gym and opting instead to drink heavily?”  Well, that’s my little secret you sassy theoretical voice you.

Now it’s time for everyone’s favorite…

the tree!

Time to grab the box out from under the bed…

decor tree box

Mmmm…smell that mildew!  Nothing a little pine scented car air freshener cant’ fix.

Time to put it together.  Fun Fact: I got this tree in Detroit…the land of decent sports teams, Little Caesar’s Pizza, and high murder rates.

decor tree 2

Now that the tree is good and trimmed (by the 15 pack of red ornaments bought at Creepy Al’s 99 cents store), what shall we top it with?

decor thought

I’ve got it!


decor flat pam

Hey Flat Pam and Flat Sarah!  Lookin’ sharp (enough to give me a paper cut…cause you’re made out of paper.  Get it?)

Now what’s next?  Oh yes.  Hey there friend Rebecca, would you mind helping me out with decorating the bathroom?

broom rebecca

Whatcha got there?  A blue tinsel triangle?  What does that have to do with Christmas?

broomOh I see.  It’s a snowflake right?  No?  The Star of David?  Who’s David?  Is he friends with Jesus?  Was he the 10th reindeer that got cut when Santa realized his name wasn’t jovial enough?

Alright.  Well now that we’re all done with decorating, all we have to do is wait for the guests to arrive

To be continued…


Day 58: Girls Just Wanna Have Fu-unnn!

Hey there adoring fans (Nadia)!

December 21st is less than a week away!  Holy crap.  I guess I should pause this episode of Teen Mom 2 and go hang out with one of my dear friends.  Becca Pace!

karaoke beccaI love Becca Pace (even though she makes my head look like a giant that got stung by a bee…on the face, every time I take a picture with her), and with our tricky schedules (Becca is a personal trainer and I like to take naps) it’s hard to find time to see one another.  With the world ending (or not) we decided to make a date for some live music and whiskey.  After a few rounds of whiskey and conversation about the most important things in life (friends, family, and internet porn) we decided to play…

Hey Sarah!  What’s in your bag?

How do you play “Hey Sarah!  What’s in your bag?”  You simply have Sarah open her obnoxiously large bag and see what’s in it.  Let’s see shall we?

We’ve got half of a bottle of Coke Zero…no surprise here.


A (rather disgusting) makeup bag in desperate need of replacing (something I’ll worry about on or after the martians don’t destroy us, you know… December 22nd)…

karaoke makeup

An ABW sock (already been worn)…gross.

karaoke sockOooohh…here’s where my glasses are!  Safe and secure in their Spong Bob Square Pants case.  No, I’m not too old for this.

karaoke spongebob“Bartender, another round please…”

karaoke whiskeyOh Wow!  I forgot I bought this.  I was really tired (hammered) after work one night and bought this Miss. Piggy lollipop because I thought that if someone ever asked me what cartoon character I looked like, I would say her..

karaoke piggy

See what I mean?

karaoke santaThat’s right.  I also have a Santa hat in my bag.  You never know when you’re gonna need one.

“Thank you bartender.  This round’s on me”

karaoke pink glassesYep, those sunglasses were in my Bag ‘O Fun too.  No, I’m not too old for them.  What’s next.  Oh yeah, my fave girls that I keep living inside my Golden Compass (haha…that sounds dirty…inside my golden compass…gross)

karaoke flat girls“I’m sorry girls.  I simply cannot afford to buy you a drink….I already said I’d buy the next round for Becca and I,  and there’s no take-sees back-sees when it comes to bar etiquette.  Now, if I had won the lottery last week that would be a differents story.  Hold on, I think I can solve this problem.  Here we go girls.”

karaoke flaskNow one swig of peppermint schnapps a piece.  You only weigh like -.5 oz.  This should get you nice and toasty…and minty.

What else?  Oh, look… Long Johns!  You never know when you’re going to get cold?  But really, you never know when it’s going to be cold anymore.  (Stupid global warming…that doesn’t exist… according to some D-bags…good thing I bought a Coke zero today…5 cents of each purchase goes to a homeless polar bear.)

karaoke long johnsAnd here’s this little guy.  It’s a pencil topper that I got from my friend Jay while doing Tarzan.   I always forget that I keep it in one of the small pockets and I freak out when I go in there because I think it’s a spider or something..but then I just put it back so I will be surprised again the next time I go in that pocket…it’s the little things.   No, again, I’m not too old for this.

karaoke monkeyWell, that’s all folks.  I had a fantastic night with an amazing friend.  And realized that if the world continues…I should probably make more time for my amazing friends…and  clean out my purse more often.  No, I take it back.  I found some awesome stuff in there.  If I got stuck in an elevator or something, I could totally Macgyver my way out.  I mean, finger monkeys, peppermint schnapps, and an ABW sock…it could happen.  And I’d nail that s*it!

Oh, and one more thing I found in my Bag ‘O Fun…tampons.  You’re welcome fellas.

karaoke tampon

Day 57: You gotta play to win!

Hey there adoring fans (William Michael)!

Remember when I spent $66 on the lottery?  Well…. I won!  I am writing this post while riding in a hot pink stretch limo on my way to the airport!  I’m going to Disney World!  I’m spending the end of the world with effing Mickey Mouse!  Oh and I bought an eye patch made out of solid gold, and Tina Fey is meeting me at the gate…


Oh wait.  No.  I didn’t win the lottery at all.  It was only a Vanilla Vodka induced dream…


Day 56: Why did the Bruschetta cross the road?

Hey there adoring fans (Micki Weiner)!

As the apocalypse is getting closer and closer I’m freaking out more and more. I’ve realized that not only do I need to get some things done that I’ve always want to do, but to also see all of the people that I want to see before the big Kung Pao (that’s Chinese for Kaboom…which is Indian for wam bam thank you mam…which is white trash for explode….which is all racist…I do apologize).   This is where Michael and Craig come in…

dinner smooches

Michael and Craig are two of my best friends in the world.  They’re my brothers from another mother(s).  I met them at a bar (big surprise) 5… 6… or 7 years ago (can’t be quite sure.  Bar years are like Dog years…1 year equals 7 years…which isn’t accurate…this joke is bombing fast….I guess this is what the delete button is for…which I’m not going to use…so just keep reading the poop on a stick sentence…sorry about it).  Monday nights have often been dinner time with Michael and Craig (and by dinner time I mean Craig cooks us dinner while Michael and I drink (lots of) wine.  Well not this time.  This time I showed up early (while Michael was at work…as a personal trainer…with his hot hot body) and Craig and I made dinner for him (Craig showed me how to do some cooking stuff and I drank wine).  We started at the grocery store…

“See Sarah, this is what a shrimp is.”

dinner shrimp

“Now, we need a carrot to cut the acidity in the sauce.  Sarah, have you seen any carrots?”

dinner carrot penis“Oh Sarah, you are positively hilarious!  The way you turned that carrot into a penis is genius!  You’re a regular Carol Burnett.  Now do you know how to pick out basil?  That’s an herb.  No, not like marijuana.  Yes, that’s an herb too.  It’s not used for cooking.  Well, yes some people use it in cookies but that’s not what we’re talking about today.  No,  we’re just making dinner.  Ok, now find the basil.”

dinner basil“Good work!  Now we just need some bread.  Sarah, can you find us some bread?”

dinner bread“Oh look, you turned the bread into a penis too.  This is also hilarious.  With jokes like that, you are certainly the next Lucile Ball.  Now, we’re all set to go.  Sarah what are you doing?  We don’t need any mozzarella today.  Oh, I see.  You’re making boobs.  How fantastically funny you are!”

dinner boobs“Now we just need to pick up one more thing before we head home.  Yup, you got it Sarah.”

dinner wine

“Great!  Now let’s head home and start cooking.  First we need to sharpen the knives.”

dinner knife 2“Oh look.  You’re doing it again.  No matter how many times you do the same joke.  It still works!”

dinner knife penis

“Ok.  Let’s cut some carrots.  Ok, let’s cut some carrots.”

dinner carrot

“See you cut them like this.  Would you like to try Sarah?’

dinner chopped carrots

“Good work.  Now be careful.  That knife is very sharp.  Watch out!  Oh no!”

dinner blood“Oh, silly you.  That’s just ketchup.  I wish Michael was here to see how positively clever you are.”

dinner ketchup“Now we slice the bread…No Sarah.  Slice the bread…don’t eat it.”

dinner eats bread good“Now that we’ve done all this work (that I didn’t take pictures of because I was busy tasting the wine) let’s serve up the bruschetta!”

dinner cheese“Then we’ll do some more stuff that wasn’t depicted because you were drinking some more wine…”

dinner more wine tree“And now we eat the amazing food!  Look at our pretty tree!”

dinner eating and drinking“Michael just texted.  He’ll be home in 5 min Sarah.  He says he can’t wait to see you!  Sarah?…Sarah?”

dinner passed out

Day 56: Arts and (drunken) crafts…

Hey there adoring fans (Dad)!

So tonight was my third and final try (and epic fail) of seeing Wicked before the end of the world (my schedule is packed between now and the EOW).  I arrived at the lottery a half an hour early and no one was there.  It was looking to be a lucky night.  But like sneaky sneakersons…40 Japanese tourists came 5 minutes before the drawing and won all of the tickets.   I just don’t understand the Japanese’s fascination with this show. But then I guess I have a fascination with the show too…maybe I’m part Japanese…


So, alas, I did not get to see the show…again.    I took my sad loser face to Duane Reade to buy some dental floss, and noticed that they had my favourite (sometimes I like to feel fancy and spell things the European way) winter beer, Harpoon Winter Warmer.  So, I forgot the floss, grabbed some beer and headed home to …

Decorate for Christmas!

(Even though the Mayans say that Christmas is not going to happen…you know…with the whole “wold ending on December 21st” thing.  Whatever, I’m throwing a party on the 17th and my crib is going to get the s*it decorated out of it!)

So, here’s a “how to” video of snowflake making…

If you need more of a tutorial (because you are not craft savy and have yet to understand the “how to’s” of snowflake making…or the video is taking too long to load on your smart phone) here’s a step by step….

1. Grab some magazines (that are lying around your apartment because your roommate had some extra rewards points that he couldn’t use for anything better than magazine subscriptions).  Holla Anne Hathaway.  Where’s your pants?  Can’t wait for Les Mis!


2. Drink a festive holiday beer.

flakes beer 1

3. Pick out a pretty ad.

flakes mag

4. Fold to make a square.

flakes fold 1

5. Cut off end piece.

snoflakes cut

6. Fold in half.

flakes fold again

7. Do that s*it again.

flakes tiny fold

8. Cut out some squiggly pieces.


9. Carefully unfold…wow…this looks like a bull skull…or the female reproductive system.

flakes bull

10. And you’ve got a snowflake.

flakes snowflake

11. Congratulations on your hard work!  You should probably drink another beer to celebrate…

flakes beer 2

12. Tape them (the snowflakes…not the beers…although that’s not a bad idea…next year Sarah….next year) to your walls…and add some little pieces tinsel for shine.

flakes on wall

13. You’re done! But maybe…1 more beer…

flakes beer 3

Beautiful (free) decorations!

flakes hallway

“Hey Sarah.  Are those pictures of life sized people on your walls?”  Why yes they are.  To be explained another day…

Day 55: Excuse me Sir…have you seen Tina?

Hey there adoring fans (John.Raterman)!

As the clock of doom is counting down to…well…Dooms Day, I still have yet to achieve my #1 goal…

Meet Tina Fey!

I’m starting to run out of hope that this will ever happen.  I mean, I’ve done everything humanly possible to meet this goddess of comedy (and of pulling off both straight AND wavy hair…that’s not easy fellas).  So far,  I’ve walked aimlessly around 30 Rockefeller Center…


Couldn’t find her.
I’ve sent her a fan letter written on a hand turkey.


No response.

And I’ve written a Facebook status update…


I mean.  What else was I supposed to do?!?!  Find out her social security number and hack into her old Frienster account?  Well, I would if I could folks, but I doubt it would get me anywhere. I mean who uses Friendster?   Then it came to me.  A girl at work mentioned that Tina came into the restaurant that she used to work at once.  I got it!  I’ll just go to that restaurant for brunch (bottomless Bloody Marys) and run into Tina Fey while wearing the same outfit that she’ll be wearing and say “Hi Tina Fey.  Look!  We’re wearing the same outfit.  Then Tina will laugh and invite me to come work for her on her new hilarious television show (I have no idea if she’s working on a new show, but if she is I hope it involves Dance Moms and baby penguins…now that’s an idea!).  My plan was fool proof!

Step 1: dress in the exact same outfit that Tina will be wearing…



That you had to borrow from your roommate John…


Step 2:  Go to the restaurant that someone told you Tina went to one time.


Step 3: Stay there for 2 hours (drinking) until she doesn’t show up and brunch is over and your dreams of ever meeting her before the world explodes are crushed…sad face.


Step 4:  Mope about it until your friend gets tired of you and decides to punch you in the thyroid.  Then make up and go to a bar with the most fabulous Christmas decorations ever!


I know you’re out there Tina!  I’ve only got a few days left but I WILL FIND YOU!  ok, I’m sorry about that.  Why does using Caps lock make me look like a serial molester?  Oh and Tina, I found out where you work out…I’LL BE WAITING…sorry again…i’ll be waiting to meet you, except not really because I can’t even afford a smoothie at that place.