Day 64: Where are you going to be?

Hey there adoring fans (Derek Roland)!

Have you given any thought to where you want to be for the End of the World?  Huh?  You might want to figure that out because the EOW is indeed scheduled for…


See how I incorporated a movie title about the apocalypse into my blog about the apocalypse? Pretty clever huh? Eat your heart out other funny apocalypse bloggers…

So, I’ve put a lot of thought into where I’d like to be for December 21st. Since I didn’t win the lottery, Disney World is out. Since I didn’t meet stupid Tina Fey, her apartment is out (just kidding! I still love you Tina! Let’s be best friends!) And as much as I love my amazing city of New York, the millions and millions of annoying, slow walking, picture taking tourists irk me entirely too much! I can’t have their idiocy on my shoulders when maybe having to go into possible battle with space-zombies. No, the place for me to be is at my parents house…in the middle of nowhere Virginia. This way, I get to spend time (drink lots of wine) with my folks and will probs get a heads up from one of my 1200 friends/acquaintances/people I met one time/people I’ve never met/celebrity-look-alikes on facebook if s*it goes down somewhere. So this morning Ruby and I packed our things, borded a train (not a rental car as I had hoped but am too poor for, but still better than a Chinatown bus where the driver only wears one shoe and spits tobacco every 3/4 of a mile) and headed south!

Ok Ruby. Let’s go!


You wanna know a fool proof way to keep someone from sitting next to you on a train?

Wear headphones…


And sit next to an awesome celebrity like Grey’s Anatomy’s Ellen Pompeo…


So we go on a 7 hour train ride to see the rents (that’s what cool kids used to call their parents in the late 90’s. Super ool right. That’s like cool without the c. Which un-ool people like myself make up when they’re riding a train for 7 hours…or like the sign on my neighbor’s pool growing up that said “WELCOME TO OUR OOL. NOTICE THERE IS NO P IN IT. WE’D LIKE TO KEEP IT THAT WAY…I DIGRESS).

So after watching both “Pitch Perfect” (amazing) and Disney’s “Brave” (not as good as “Tangled”) on my Kindle Fire …I made it!

My lovely Mom picked me up…

And then I came home…
(Well, not the house I grew up in…my parents moved back to Virginia after I moved to New York…that’s why they’re so Southern …and deliciously charming)

The first thing that happened upon arrival: Buddy peed on Ruby (that’s what we call a southern handshake)…

Then I got friendly with Otis (you see, in the South you must own no less than 2 hunting dogs…even if you don’t hunt…and they must have bright green alien eyes…protocol…)

So now that it’s passed 9:30 and the rents (we’ve already discussed the word rents) are off to slumber, I guess Ruby and I shall catch up on some of those cute cat youtube videos that you can’t get enough of …especially before…

You see how I brought another apocalyptic movie back in there? Huh? That’s called a call back joke.  I learned it in my Comedy for Dummies book.  Clever girl …

Ps: Cheers…

We have one of those memory foam beds where a girl in a nighty jumps up and down on the mattress over a glass of wine…Ruby was tired…and left her nighties at home… accidentally.

Pps: holla to the Big Bang…don’t ask.

Day 59 or 60 or 63 or so…

Hey there adoring fans (Sophie Burke)!

“Sarah!  It’s almost the End of the World (which is all you seem to talk about).  What the heck have you been doing for our last days?!”

Well theoretical voice, stop being such a pessimist!  The world might not end…but just in case… I’ve been busy decorating for my End of the World/ Holiday party!


Note: this is not my apartment…or dog.
Now, as I’ve already taught you all how to make your own snowflakes out of old magazines (what?  You didn’t read Day 56: Drunken Arts and Crafts?  How dare you?! You’re never going to become an adoring fan in the next 3 days with that kind of lack of commitment).  The next step to creating an awesomely decorated hallway is to get together with your roommates and create dopplegangers of yourselves to hang on the wall (a few drinks always helps with the process).  Now you have fun (and a little creepy) people that you can decorate for any occasion (Halloween, Christmas, Flag Day, Thursday).  This time, I’ve turned ours into “Gnomes of the Winter Wonderland”…

Here’s mine…

decor sarah

Yep…those are cotton balls that I’ve dipped in glitter…and have already started to fall off…dangit…time to get out the hot glue gun….time to call my neighbor to borrow her hot glue gun.

And here’s Abby (she’s a tad “early nineties slutty gnome”)…


decor abby

And then there’s John…he’s always a little sexy…


decor john

Next we add some lights…

decor lights

Then add some classy bows to the kitchen…


decor kitchen

I know what you’re thinking…”Why Sarah, how have you maintained such a fabulous ass while writing a daily blog, skipping the gym and opting instead to drink heavily?”  Well, that’s my little secret you sassy theoretical voice you.

Now it’s time for everyone’s favorite…

the tree!

Time to grab the box out from under the bed…

decor tree box

Mmmm…smell that mildew!  Nothing a little pine scented car air freshener cant’ fix.

Time to put it together.  Fun Fact: I got this tree in Detroit…the land of decent sports teams, Little Caesar’s Pizza, and high murder rates.

decor tree 2

Now that the tree is good and trimmed (by the 15 pack of red ornaments bought at Creepy Al’s 99 cents store), what shall we top it with?

decor thought

I’ve got it!


decor flat pam

Hey Flat Pam and Flat Sarah!  Lookin’ sharp (enough to give me a paper cut…cause you’re made out of paper.  Get it?)

Now what’s next?  Oh yes.  Hey there friend Rebecca, would you mind helping me out with decorating the bathroom?

broom rebecca

Whatcha got there?  A blue tinsel triangle?  What does that have to do with Christmas?

broomOh I see.  It’s a snowflake right?  No?  The Star of David?  Who’s David?  Is he friends with Jesus?  Was he the 10th reindeer that got cut when Santa realized his name wasn’t jovial enough?

Alright.  Well now that we’re all done with decorating, all we have to do is wait for the guests to arrive

To be continued…