Daily Archives: December 5, 2012

Day 43: Monologues vs. Man hunting…

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Hey there adoring fans (Fred Macri and Jason Di Tullio)!

So, as I have a crazy busy work week ahead of me (’tis the season for test tube shots), I have to get some End of the World items checked off in the the most efficient way possible so that I can blog and still make money to blow on December 20th…

Front runners of what I’m going to blow all of my money on on December 20th:

1.  A miniature horse.  I’d name him Leon.

2.  One of those ice cream sundaes topped with gold leaf shavings.

2. A stretch limo to tour my home town so that I can pop out of the sunroof and wave at people like I’ve made it to the “Final 3” on American Idol.

3.  Pay Tina Fey to eat a sandwich with me.

The world is your oyster when you’re talking about throwing away your entire life savings($87)!  I mean the world could explode…or not.

Now back to getting sh*t done (as I am sitting in a cafe down the street from my apartment because our stupid modem is down…and all the electric outlets are being used by nerdy college students…and my sad iBook G4 goes from 99% battery to 0% in a matter of 16 minutes…so I probably shouldn’t have spent 5 of those minutes thinking of witty ways to blow my life savings…and then digressing more…as I tend to do).  Anywho, as a chorus girl in the Musical Theatre industry for past 10 years, I’ve performed in front of thousands of people.  Even some famous ones like Harry Potter (D-rad), John Travolta, and Meryl Streep.  Wait, one of the hipsters sitting by the outlets just left…hold on…YES!  Weve got power!  Now I can digress forever!  So, what was I saying.  Oh yes, I was bragging about Meryl Streep…

I’m the second closest to her on the left.

(shout out to my Gypsy peeps!)

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See!  And here’s Johnny T (pre-male-masseuse scandal) he really was the nicest man ever!  I think he was filming that weird movie where he steals a train.

I’m the one with the mutton chops.
john travolta

Sorry, no pic of Harry Potter…he’s always in his invisibility cloak…get it?

In every performance I’ve done, I’ve always been the member of an ensemble of 10-15 people.  I have played some small roles before but they usually only consist of 1 or 2 lines which tend to be like “Hey Peggy Sawyer, which way to the clam bake?”  but I’ve never performed solo.  Well, this Thursday that’s all about to change!  You see, I’ve been studying Improv for about a year now (best decision I ever made!  Besides switching from diet coke to coke zero…life changing).  On Thursday (as in tomorrow) I will be performing 2 character monologues which I wrote myself.  They’re about 3 1/2 minutes a piece, and they’re freaking the spit out of me.  Since I haven’t had much time to bucket list, last night I combined studying my monologues with man hunting.

 

imageIt didn’t work out very well.  See, when you stare at a beer glass and talk to it for an hour as if you’re a 57 year old Italian woman (Character #1) the fellas don’t seem to come a runnin’.  Weird right?  Who knew?

imageBut it’s all good, because tomorrow night I’m going to do a great job! …I’m going to do a good job!…I’m going to do a mediocre job!…I’m going to NOT crap my pants on stage!…I’m going to TRY not to crap my pants on stage!  I’m going to clean up after I crap my pants on stage…I’m not cleaning it up.

Wish me luck!

 

Ps: If anyone living in NYC is interested in taking an Improv class check out http://www.improvolution.org

They’re seriously life changers.

 

PPS:  I’m leaning towards Leon…

leon

Day 42: Light as a feather stiff as a board…

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Hey there adoring fans (Justin Aefsky and Madeleine Reade)!

So, as most of you know, I’m looking for love before the End of the World (kinda like that Steve Carrell movie, seeking a friend for the end of the world…but a love-r…and not sure if that’s the accurate title, but as my iBook G4 from 2005 seems to be failing me tonight as well as my stupid 3 year old android phone who won’t let me open up a Google window so I can fact check…and won’t connect to stupid Time Warner Cable because it’s well…stupid…and keeps making typos because I have big thumbs which I inherited from my father… I digress… yet again) I’ve realized that the reason that I haven’t made a love connection is not because of ME …but definitely because of my friends Flat Pam and Flat Sarah (if you don’t know who the Flat girls are, go back to Day twenty something or thirty something….what do I know, I can’t look anything up from this stupid (might as well be rotary phone)).

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See, the problem is not with my flirting technique (of pretending that the guy “I swear looks so much like my next-door neighbor from growing up”…and then maybe throwing in my signature knock-knock joke and leopard thong flash…sometimes zebra, occasionally tortoise shell). The problem is that the Flat girls often accompany me to the bar…and I’ve noticed that they seem to be getting a little…soft (perhaps from all those marshmallows…or from sitting at home and writing blogs instead of going to dance class) so I took them to the Gym!

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Alright girls. This is the ellyptical machine. It’s great for people with bad knees (fatty’s too lazy for treadmills).

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Don’t worry. I brought some “Grey’s Anatomy” fat burning entertainment (PS: it blows again…don’t bother).

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Quick water break ladies. No dilly dallying and no running…’cause my crayola’s are out of ink…get it?

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Way to go Flat Pam! Some more cardio will burn that “sweet meat” right off and make you more appealing to the opposite Flat sex. Flat Sarah, I wish you could show some initiative like Flat Pam here.

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Way to go Flat Sarah. The stationary bike…ie: the fitness equipment of the elderly. You’re gonna be fat forever…and maybe get a hemorrhoid.

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Time for some heavy lifting ladies. Nothing says “Hey handsome 30 something guy that appears to not live with his parents…you should meet my friend life-size Sarah” like some toned triceps.

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Same goes for quads…

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Alright Flat Sarah. Now it’s just sad.

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Don’t forget to wipe down the equipment…or else your fellow gymmers will glare at you…or you’ll get Hep C.

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OK ladies. Let’s see how well you did. I wanna see -3 oz or else it’s the back-end-of-the-toothbrush-down-the-throat for you…

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Pretty good girls. Now how’s about a steam and a shower to squeeze out those last few millimeters of disgust .

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You girls look A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!

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I have a feeling that with all of our skinny/hot/hilarious powers combined, love is right around the corner! Now, Flat ladies, have yourselves some laxatives and electrolytes and off to bed.

PS: Thank you (to my 12 readers) for tolerating this post that took 4 hours to publish, and was written on a screen the size of a powerball ticket. If the world doesn’t explode on the 21st, I will work on buying (beg a rich person to buy me) some efficient technology.

Pps : it’s 2:30 in the morning. I’ll edit tomorrow.