Hey there adoring fans (Justin Aefsky and Madeleine Reade)!
So, as most of you know, I’m looking for love before the End of the World (kinda like that Steve Carrell movie, seeking a friend for the end of the world…but a love-r…and not sure if that’s the accurate title, but as my iBook G4 from 2005 seems to be failing me tonight as well as my stupid 3 year old android phone who won’t let me open up a Google window so I can fact check…and won’t connect to stupid Time Warner Cable because it’s well…stupid…and keeps making typos because I have big thumbs which I inherited from my father… I digress… yet again) I’ve realized that the reason that I haven’t made a love connection is not because of ME …but definitely because of my friends Flat Pam and Flat Sarah (if you don’t know who the Flat girls are, go back to Day twenty something or thirty something….what do I know, I can’t look anything up from this stupid (might as well be rotary phone)).
See, the problem is not with my flirting technique (of pretending that the guy “I swear looks so much like my next-door neighbor from growing up”…and then maybe throwing in my signature knock-knock joke and leopard thong flash…sometimes zebra, occasionally tortoise shell). The problem is that the Flat girls often accompany me to the bar…and I’ve noticed that they seem to be getting a little…soft (perhaps from all those marshmallows…or from sitting at home and writing blogs instead of going to dance class) so I took them to the Gym!
Alright girls. This is the ellyptical machine. It’s great for people with bad knees (fatty’s too lazy for treadmills).
Don’t worry. I brought some “Grey’s Anatomy” fat burning entertainment (PS: it blows again…don’t bother).
Quick water break ladies. No dilly dallying and no running…’cause my crayola’s are out of ink…get it?
Way to go Flat Pam! Some more cardio will burn that “sweet meat” right off and make you more appealing to the opposite Flat sex. Flat Sarah, I wish you could show some initiative like Flat Pam here.
Way to go Flat Sarah. The stationary bike…ie: the fitness equipment of the elderly. You’re gonna be fat forever…and maybe get a hemorrhoid.
Time for some heavy lifting ladies. Nothing says “Hey handsome 30 something guy that appears to not live with his parents…you should meet my friend life-size Sarah” like some toned triceps.
Same goes for quads…
Alright Flat Sarah. Now it’s just sad.
Don’t forget to wipe down the equipment…or else your fellow gymmers will glare at you…or you’ll get Hep C.
OK ladies. Let’s see how well you did. I wanna see -3 oz or else it’s the back-end-of-the-toothbrush-down-the-throat for you…
Pretty good girls. Now how’s about a steam and a shower to squeeze out those last few millimeters of disgust .
You girls look A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!
I have a feeling that with all of our skinny/hot/hilarious powers combined, love is right around the corner! Now, Flat ladies, have yourselves some laxatives and electrolytes and off to bed.
PS: Thank you (to my 12 readers) for tolerating this post that took 4 hours to publish, and was written on a screen the size of a powerball ticket. If the world doesn’t explode on the 21st, I will work on buying (beg a rich person to buy me) some efficient technology.
Pps : it’s 2:30 in the morning. I’ll edit tomorrow.