Day 57: I thought you did it for me Mama…

Hey there adoring fans (Tree Sarvay and Matty Wilson)!

Let me tell you all about Tina Fey!

Psych.  I have to head to an improv show so I’ll just post this exciting event that happened on Monday.  Stay tuned for Tina Fey Thursday!

So last week I finally sat down (with a bottle of wine) and wrote down some concrete goals for myself.  Immediately after, I regretted it and threw up (I didn’t throw up).  I mean, who says they want to be in the movies?  7 year olds, Teen Moms and the contestants of the new celebrity diving reality show SPLASH, that’s who.  I’ve always enjoyed what little acting I’ve done.  It was always just a line here or there in a musical which usually sounded like “Hey Zippy!  Which way to the Sock-Hop?” or “Oooohhh-oh-oh-ah-ah-ah” (I played a gorilla in Tarzan…not a hooker in a porno…I could see how that phrase could be misleading).  So the Oscars Sunday night were super inspirational (70% of the Oscars on Sunday night were super inspirational).  So I said to myself “Sarah, you pansy, it’s time for you to get your ass out there and start pursuing that dream.  One day you could be joking around with Meryl Streep, lip syncing All That Jazz or challenging Adele to an “F” verses “Th” debate.  In order to make this goal happen you’re gonna have to stop finking about it and get off your ass and do that s*it!”   So I started using my positive thinking powers and the laws of attraction to have an on camera job fall in my lap, and you know what?  It did!  Not really.  Well kinda. My friend Joanna asked me to come along to help her with some behind the scenes work for a shoot of her vaudevillian-silent-movie-webisode, and I was happy to help.  Then (as luck would have it) one of the small dogs that Joanna had cast had bailed on the shoot.  And lucky me…my small dog was camera ready*.

Here is a slide show of how it all worked out.

Part A

For you normal people…

I’m so excited!  My dog is going to be famous!

crazy me

“Ruby!  Get your s*it together.  You’re gonna be a star.  This could by my your big break!  Oh, these cheek bones!”

dog star 6

“And of course it had to be humid today…”

dog star 5

“What do you mean you don’t want to be a star?  What the HELL is wrong with you!?”

dog star 4

“How else am I going to become a famous actor?!  What, am I supposed to do?  Pay for an acting class?!  That s*it’s expensive!  You have ruined me and brought shame to our family!”

dog star 3

“You know, this hurts me way more than it hurts you…”

dog star

But eventually she got the hang of it.

dog star 10

The End.

dog star 7

——————————————————————————————————-

Part B

This is what would have happened had it been a Broadway Musical

“My daughter can do it!” 

crazy me

” Since when?”

  “Ever since she’s been here to see how little there is to it.”

“Well, she better get ready right damn now.”

“Well, come on, get your makeup on, there ain’t much time!”

dog star 6

“Not too much makeup, baby.  Young and girlish.  Pure.  Don’t smear that junk all over your face like they do.  You just keep your mouth the way the good Lord made it…you’ll be a lady: grand, elegant…with a classy lady like walk.”

“Oh no— your hair’s all wrong.  You can’t just let it just hang like spaghetti.  Put it up!  It’s got to have class!  Fluff it out in front.  Thank God, the Lord gave us good color — and that you washed it this morning…”


dog star 5

“Baby, it’s all right to walk out when they want you.  But you can’t walk out now when after all these rotten years, we’re still a flop.  That’s quitting.  We can’t quit because we’re a flop!”

dog star 3

“You just walk and dip.  My girl’s a lady, you make ’em beg for more — and then don’t give it to them!  Now let’s see, anything else?”

dog star 4

“I’ll take this to the conductor.  Just remember.  You are a lady.  And you are going to be a STAR!”

dog star

And eventually, she got the hang of it!

dog star 10

The End.

dog star 7

In conclusion…I’m well on my way to starring in feature films.  Just as soon as this web series goes global and my dog becomes famous.  Then the offers will come pouring in, and eventually Spielberg will learn that the owner of that adorable little “naturally curly haired” dog belongs to a fabulous owner with a background in theatre and copyright infringements.  In just a few short months this video will be edited and my Ruby will be featured for a solid 15 seconds in a web series that already has 500 hits on Facebook…and my dear Arthur Laurents will roll over in his grave.

And foshizzle check out the first episode of this web series.  Even though neither Ruby or myself is in it, it’s pretty awesome and features my roommate and some other great and talented friends.

http://www.whocouldaskforanythingmore.webs.com

                                                           The End.

*This story is a big lie.  Joanna had asked me weeks ago if Ruby could be an extra on the show and I said yes.  But this way is better, no?

PS: Big shout out to my fellow cast mates from the Broadway revival of Gypsy.  Because one time I was on Broadway.

The End.

*If any of you would like to subscribe to my blog to get alerted when I write new posts so that you don’t have to rely on Facebook or that batman like shadow that I post in the sky, please do.  I think there’s a ‘follow’ button somewhere.*

Day 55: P is for Progress…

Hey there adoring fans (Lisa Rohinsky)!

It looks like things are looking up.  I’ve just been hired to write the weekly newsletter for my favorite Improv family (http://www.Improvolution.org) , I have a meeting with the founder of a new comedy website coming up in a few days, and I have something really awesome planned for this Tuesday that I would love to share with you all but I don’t want to jinx it so your just going to have to wait.  (No, it’s not a date Mom.  Yes, I’m sure there are plenty of nice boys out there.  Leave me alone.  No, I’m not going to end up a cat lady.  I don’t even like cats.  If anything I’ll be a dog lady…or an alcoholic.)  So now that I’m on a pretty good writing path, I thought it would be fun to share with you a little insight about my writing process.  See, I’m always looking for things to write about.  Some of them are good ideas, and some of them are not so good.  Let’s  take a look at the blog posts that didn’t quite make the cut…

Day 17: Blow me!

The day I gave Ruby a blow dry.

2013-02-23 17.02.25

Day 35:  How long has that been in your hole?

The day I cleaned out the mysterious hole in the office at work…

2013-02-13 23.43.50

2013-02-13 23.39.21

Day 23:  If a Ebenezer Scrooge was contacted in a Chinese Restaurant

The day my fortune cookie freaked me out.

2013-02-21 16.23.29

Day 37:  Excuse me dear, how much to check this penis?

The day I checked really weird stuff while working coat check…


2012-03-11 01.38.22

Day 50:  S is for Solidification…

The day Ruby finally took a solid poop…

2013-02-10 23.52.22

Day 21:  Ouch, my carbon foot print just kicked Earth in the nuts.

The day I discovered that my printer has been plugged in for the past 7 years without ever using it because it ran out of ink…in 2006.

2013-01-15 17.48.32

Day 2:  I’m too afraid to jump!

The day I almost tested my parents memory foam mattress like they do on the infomercial. 

2012-12-19 23.31.55

Day 53:  I wanna get wit’ ya, mami.  Now let me see where the lord split ya?

The day I got drunk while listening to a Pitbull song and took a picture of my split ends.

2013-01-25 02.22.27

So there you have it.  Not every idea is a good idea, but just like they say in the Lottery,

“You gotta play to win!”

*If any of you would like to subscribe to my blog to get alerted when I write new posts so that you don’t have to rely on Facebook or that batman like shadow that I post in the sky, please do.  I think there’s a ‘Follow’ button somewhere.*

Day 52: Wine Rack Wednesday!

Hey there adoring fans (Nikki De Lapenta)!

As all of you are loyal readers of my blog (or you just checked this site out hoping to find 66 different sex positions of Sarah…which you won’t…because there’s only 2…and why would I call it SixtySixdaysofSarah if it was about sex positions you weirdo?  I would call it SixtySixSexPositionsofSarah…someone’s totally going to steal that idea…I want 5% of it’s earnings you perverts!), you know that I had a major realization on Tuesday, which was:

 I’ve been spending all of my energy  focusing on the things that I don’t want in my life and haven’t even scratched the surface of the things I do want in life.  

I needed to admit to myself (and to all of you Nosy McNosersons) what my big goals were.  And naturally, those goals consisted of becoming a rich and famous actor/screenwriter/novelist/world leader.  So on Wednesday  I set my eyes on the prize and got to work…

winerack

bra 1

bra 2

bra 3

bra 6

bra 5

bra 7

“Desire is the key to motivation, but it’s determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal- a commitment to excellence -that will enable you to attain the success you seek.”

 -Mario Andretti

Special shout out to Abby Church for helping me out…and for filling her Wine Rack with G & T’s!

bra 4

PS: no joke you guys.  You can buy this s*it on Amazon.com.  I prefer to give them as wedding gifts.  Holla Kelly Cwalina McKew!

PPS: Amazon.com should totally give me money for promoting them.

*If any of you would like to subscribe to my blog to get alerted when I write new posts so that you don’t have to rely on Facebook or that batman like shadow that I post in the sky, please do.  I think there’s a ‘follow’ button somewhere.*

 

Day 50: The rapist Tuesday…

Hey there adoring fans (Nici Dani)!

This post has nothing to do with rapists.  I just stole The Rapist joke from the Saturday Night Live Celebrity Jeopardy sketch where Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond) choses  the “Therapists” category but instead says “The Rapists”.  It’s quite funny, and terrible all at the same time.  This blog post title does however have to do with me self-therapizing myself today.  You see loyal readers, I had myself a realization walking home from the gym today.  It would have been quite an “eye opener” had it not been raining this afternoon, because based on what I remember from elementary school science is that rain water comes from the clouds which some how absorb that water from the rivers and lakes and if you’ve seen the Hudson there’s no way you would want to open your eyes in the rain here…unless your pupils are craving rat feces.  What is this realization you ask?  Hold your horses!  I’ll get to it after I show you how adorable Ruby is sleeping on the couch behind me…

ruby sleeps

Ok, realization time…

I started this blog originally because I was afraid of the world ending.  Then when the world did not end (thank you Jesus…and Space Zombies),  it evolved into a search for a happier healthier life (while the Space Zombies are at bay).  You know, turning the page to find a new chapter of Sarah?   And it’s been a fantastic journey so far.  I’ve stepped back and had a long hard (that’s what she said) look at my life and started making some changes…

I don’t want to look like this anymore…

fat hooters

So I started dancing, eating right,  and going to the gym.

class 4

I don’t want to be a slave to Musical Theatre anymore…

starlight express

So I stopped auditioning.

no audition

I didn’t want to live like a teenage slob anymore…

trash_hoarding

So I reorganized and painted my bedroom.

paint 19

I don’t want to stress out anymore…

stress

So I started meditating…

meditation 1

Then, as I was brain storming for my next post on the way home from the gym, I finally noticed this pattern.   The problem is… I’ve been spending all of my energy  focusing on the things that I don’t want in my life and haven’t even scratched the surface of the things I do want in life.  Woah.  Go ahead readers.  Get out the dustpan to sweep up the pieces of your mind that has just been blown.

I started to honestly think about what it is I want in life, and not just the “I want to be happy” or “I want to be more stability” or “Can I just get some health insurance please?” things.  I started to think of my actual specific goals, the concrete things, and you know what?  I scared the s*it out of myself.  You see, I think that if I admit to myself or anyone else what I want, what I really truly want, and I don’t achieve it, then I will have failed.  And who wants to be a failure?  Isn’t life just easier if you don’t admit to what you want so that you don’t have to work really hard to get it, because if you don’t work really hard then you can’t blame yourself when you fail because you never tried anyway?  I mean, maybe I’m not good enough to achieve anything beyond being that girl that was on Broadway once and now thinks she’s a writer. Well Sarah, what’s the point of surviving the apocalypse (and Space Zombies) if you’re just gonna keep spinning on that hamster wheel?  It’s time to get down to business.

Here’s what I want for my future…(laugh all you want).

I want the world to read what I write.

I want to be in a movies.

I want to write movies.

I want to write books.

I want to create comedy.

I want to be a billionaire…so freakin’ bad.

And why the Hell not?!  Tina Fey did it.  Mindy Khaling did it.  That girl who wrote that show Girls that I don’t really like all that much (the show, not the writer) but good for her did it.  I can do it.  It’s time to stop running away from the don’ts and start running like Hell for the do’s.

Day 47: Ugh…boy roommates!

Hey there adoring fans (Jason Kelly)!

 

 

Thank you all for your feedback on my Love letters to old lovers post! I feel like a regular Taylor Swift (plus or minus 10 years, 30lbs and a few Kennedy’s).  Anywho, as you can see by this Oscar worthy video, I finally was able to complete my meditation course with the wonderful Shannon O’bryan…

meditation 1

without any doggie diarrhea getting in the way! (If you don’t know anything about my dog’s bowel movements than you are not a true adoring fan and must be shunned…just kidding…all it really takes to be an adoring fan is to read one of my posts and “Like” it on Facebook…or just pretend to read any of my posts and leave a comment like “Sarah you look so skinny!”  “Have you lost 30lbs?”  “You really should eat something…” or “Of course you’ll get a butt load of money back on your tax return, my uncle can cook the books!”…of course if you post any of these things I will know that you read this post anyway so the jig is up…but I am still looking for a ‘tax guy’…wink wink.)  Now, I can’t tell you much about the meditation course, as my coach says “what is learned in private, should stay in private” but I can tell you that it was AWESOMELIFE CHANGING, and TOTALLY RAD!  And now that I’ve graduated I’m required to meditate for 22 1/2 minutes twice a day.  Now, as a single mother (of said s*itting dog), out of work actor, part time shot girl, and mildly successful blogger (MILDLY!), it is really dang hard to find 45 minutes a day to sit down relax and call upon the Space Zombies (crap!  I wasn’t supposed to tell you about the Space Zombies!  “what is learned in private stays in private” you asshole!  Forget what I said…there’s no such thing as Space Zombies…and even if there were it doesn’t mean that only us professional meditators are safe from their venom…got it?…meditation does nothing to protect you from Space Zombies so you should probably not even try to learn).  So I’m going to see if I can take the next 66 days and make a habit of meditation (and you guys out there don’t even need to worry about it….’cause remember, Space Zombies are not real…nor are they coming to take over the planet…anytime soon).   It’s going to be a huge commitment, but well worth it (in the end…not that there’s going to be an end).

In all seriousness, if anyone wants a great meditation course please check out the amazing Shannon O’bryan.  She is an incredible woman and teacher and I promise you will get so much out of her course.  She teaches all over the country and also gives a free talk about her practice before each 4 day session for those of you “on the fence-ers”…which you shouldn’t be…because like I said…it’s TOTALLY RAD!

www.sundarameditation.com.

Day 44: A love letter…

A love letter for my old lovers…because it’s Valentines Day.

Dear Karl L.: Thanks for picking me up at my house (down the old dirt road from your house) for our 5th grade graduation dance.

prom 2

Dear Chris K.: Thank you for standing up to Ronald Robinson (who threatened to beat you up if you asked me out) and asking me out. And thank you for dumping me…at the ice rink…because I wouldn’t French you.

Dear Ellie (jewish boy name):  Thank you for asking me to homecoming 3 months after I started having a crush on you.  Sorry I didn’t French you.  I would have 3 months earlier.

Dear Virginity Taker : Thank you for Frenching me.  And thank you for taking my V-card and dumping me 2 weeks later…on the beach.  No hard feelings.  Somebody had to “do it”  (get it…”do it” tee hee hee).

Dear Graham H:  thank you for not dumping me when I got the same haircut as you.  And thank you for posing like this at Prom.   And thank you for going along with my “edgy” phase.  Sorry I dumped you when you came to visit me at college…and you had to ride home with my Mom…for 4 hours…in her Jeep Grand Cherokee.

prom

Dear guy from Portland Oregon: Thank you for not telling me that you had a giant tattoo of a peacock on your back.  It was a lovely surprise the next morning.  And you were right. Real men DO paint their houses purple.

Dear Hugh Laurie (from the popular hospital drama House): Thank you for holding my hand in my dream last night.  My parent’s were quite charmed by your British accent and your time travelling speed boat.

Dear Tall Ex-boyfriend: Thank you for giving me a topic to discuss with little old ladies when you left the table at the restaurant to go to the bathroom…”why yes, he did play basketball in college…and yes…everything is in proportion …enjoy your sherbert.”

Dear bald guy that I went on a date with:  “So you’re a cop? And your last 2 partners were both Capricorns?  Fascinating.  Your father is Italian-Irish  and your mother is Irish-Lithuanian?  Neat. So your first pet was a lizard named Lizzie and you’re afraid of Snuffaluffagus from Sesame Street because when you were little you had a nightmare that he ate Lizzie?  And you think your cousin might be gay…because he painted his house purple?  You’re probably right.  No, I’m not from around here…which you would know…If you asked me a question about myself in the last 2 hours.”

Dear Tim the bartender:  Sorry I had to leave the next morning because I had an appointment to try on wedding dresses.  I had a blog…and the world was going to end…long story.

Dear Mom: Don’t worry about me.  I think it’s going to work out with Hugh Laurie.

Day 41: Brunch…the reason it’s ok to drink at 11am

Hey there adoring fans (Jon Parker…sending good vibes your way)!

So, how about that President Obama and his speech huh?  He’s really into education these days.  Which brings me to a very important topic that I’d like to discuss tonight…

which is…

 “How to have Brunch with your high school girlfriends while living 4 hours away?”

It’s the biggest question rocking the American Household right now (gun control who?), and I am here to show you how to conquer it. 

All you need are:

1.  Cellphone with camera (if your cellphone does not have a camera…you’re probably not a blog reader.  You probably can’t even read!…Sorry grandma…I know you can read…yes I do remember that time you gave me a bath in a bucket in the backyard…maybe if you had a cellphone with a camera at the time we could post that photo  right here to make this post more interesting…I know it’s not your fault…cellphones didn’t exist then…nor did sanitary buckets for washing babies).

2.  A few props.

3.  Jedi-girl-mind (I’ve never seen Star Wars but I have seen Spaceballs…and what I’m referring to is the ability to know what your highschool girl friends may or may not be chatting about over brunch…and being prepared for a Warner Bros. trademarked frog to rip through someones stomach for an adorable song and dance intermission…if you haven’t seen Spaceballs disregard that last part….and if you have seen Spaceballs, I may be completely wrong about the whole Warner Bros frog thing as I haven’t seen that movie in 25 years…yes I was 5 when I saw Spaceballs….I thought it was Star Wars until I was 13…when I got corrected about how gross Pizza-the-Hut was).

Anywho, here’s how it went…

“Hey girls!  I’m so bummed I couldn’t make it to brunch, but I have to go sell my wares (shots) tonight.”

girls 1

“Oh my God, you ran into Jason Amott* where?”

girls 2

“I am so excited for Brittany’s wedding too!”

girls 11

“Oh wait….sorry…I think that was Kelly’s save-the-date…hold on”

“I’m so excited for Brittany’s wedding too!!  PS: What’s it like to have health insurance?”

girls 9

“Oooo April, can I steal a frie?”

girls 5“You guys, this has been the best brunch ever.  What’s that Brittany?  Oh yes, I will need a plus one…no I’m not bringing anyone…I just want to be sure that you estimate the open bar consumption correctly…and some extra leg room…and yes I will lead the electric slide…duh!”

“Party Hearty, Rock’n’Roll,

Drink Bacardi, Smoke a Bowl,

Sex is good and life is fun,

We’re the class of 2001!”

What’s that Holly?  Yes I did steal that poem from the class of ’98…and just changed the word “great” to the word “fun” for rhyming purposes… And no, we did not do any of the other things listed in that poem besides listen to Rock’n’Roll.  I heart you Mom!  Go lions!

Cheers!

girls 12

“We’re gonna need a bigger coozie**…”

girls 14

*Jason Amott is interchangeable with anyone that we went to school with that one of us may have run into at an Applebee’s or CheeseCake Factory.

Here’s a picture of Jason and some other high school friends, “Hey fella’s!”

“Gangs of Upper-class Maryland Suburbs.”

girls 8

**Coozies are these beer holders that my friend Kelly and other Marylander’s are obsessed with.  Go ahead, ask a Marylander to look in their purse and they will more than likely have one…and may more than likely call 911.  Marylander’s don’t play.

To sign off, here is a pic of my BFF Kelly (who received and passed along all of these amazing pics to my other GF’s at brunch) at our high school graduation party…

kellyThis is when I wanted to be a dixie chic…not a lesbian…although I totes support the gay community.  Go Obama!

*If any of you would like to subscribe to my blog to get alerted when I write new posts so that you don’t have to rely on Facebook or that batman like shadow that I post in the sky, please do.  I think there’s a ‘subscribe’ button somewhere.*

Day 38: I meditated the s*it out of her…

Hey there adoring fans (Devon Goffman)!

You know how sometimes you don’t hear about a particular thing for a really long time, and all of a sudden 17 people you know mention that particular thing to you?  Like last month it was Ithaca brewing companies (Goose Island is pretty damn good), and sometime last year it was Banana Grams (which is basically Scrabble*…but instead of having a board to play on, you have a banana shaped sack (giggle) and use jargon like “split” and “peel” when you make a move).  Well, this past month the word I keep hearing over and over again is meditation.  All of my self help books (youtube videos) are mentioning the amazing benefits from it, it seems that like half of my friends are doing it, and I swear a feral cat was chanting “OHMMMM…” at me as I was walking down an abandoned ally last week (I’m lying, it was 96th street, and the cat may have been a large piece of steel wool).  And funny enough, a friend that I haven’t seen in a while posted an event invitation for a free talk about meditation.  I figured, with my whole Vision Board and P-gan thing I’m already halfway on the tree-hugger train (although I’m sure they wouldn’t use a train…probably a covered wagon…but pulled by a white guy named Leon…they wouldn’t want to upset any horses by making them work…even though that’s what horses are for…if they weren’t working they’d probably be glue-factorying…did I mention that I won a Blue Ribbon in Pony Club?), so I figured I’d stop by my friend Shannon O’bryan’s talk and see what this whole meditation thing was about.

girl_meditation

Side note: I’m not the kind of person that gets talked into things very easily.  I’m just like all of you other cold hearted New Yorkers who pretend that you don’t speak English when a person on the sidewalk in a blue polo shirt and 3 ring binder asks you if you have a minute for planned parenthood.  Don’t even try to tempt me to join your “new data plan” verizon wireless, because no, I don’t need a “free gift” of 500 extra anytime minutes to use when I only use 47 minutes of actual phone calls as is.  And NO, Wholefoods, I don’t care if tumeric juice is the new beverage that’s going to ward off cancer, is a natural endorphin booster and tastes delicious…ok, I’ll buy it.  But NOT because you talked me into it…but because I don’t want cancer…and it’s tasty…and the guy that talked me into buying it was kind of cute and not wearing a wedding ring.  So, I went into my “Intro to meditation chat” and just like with turmeric juice…I got sucked in.

Benefits of Meditation

1.  Lowers stress.

2.  Improves health.

3.  Helps focus the mind.

4.  Gives you something to talk about when people start discussing earthy tree-hugging s*it like beard growing and tumeric-juice when you’re in a far off land known as Brooklyn.

So I signed up for a 4 day meditation class…that I couldn’t afford…but was sure that the Universe was going to send me the funds some how…

Day 1 of Meditation class: Shannon performs a lovely ceremony about thanking all of the teachers that came before her.

 

meditation 1

 

We learn the basics of meditation and are instructed to meditate later that evening and again in the morning before coming to Day 2.

Day 2 of Meditation Class: 3am

 

My dog Ruby  jumps off the bed and starts scratching at the door.  There is a terrible smell.  Ruby has shat all over my bed.  I throw on some clothes and take her down the hall only to find…

meditation 3

 

I pick up my sh*tting dog, scramble down 6 flights of stairs to take her out, thinking how could this day get any worse…and just like it always does when you think things like “how could this day get any worse” it does.  Because it is snowing…and your dog won’t stop leaking…in Central Park at 3 am… which is exactly when and where the murderers and hobos hang out…and you remember that the elevator is out and you have to carry  your leaky dog up 6 flights of stairs. 2 hours later I texted my meditation coach that I couldn’t come to Day 2 of Meditation class because my dog was now puking and s*itting which made her lighter to carry up and down 6 flights of stairs but was really inconvenient otherwise.

Meditation 2

 

Day 3 of Meditation Class: Poor poor Ruby Pubey

Ruby is leaking every 2 hours today and is being fed water through an eye dropper because she won’t drink it herself.  Any normal person would take their dog to the vet under these circumstances, but I am not a normal person.  I am poor out of work actor, freelance shot seller, and vision board enthusiast who believes that money is coming her way…just apparently not today.   So we give it another 24 hours to see if the leaking stops.  I text my meditation coach that I will not be able to make it to class until my dog stops peeing out of her but hole. Namaste.

rubes

Day 4 of Meditation Class: Stool sample.

So now we’ve had 4 days of bodily fluids pouring out of my adorable little dog and only 20 minutes of meditation….I’m lying.  I only really meditated for 3 minutes because it’s really hard to concentrate when you’re worried that your dog is going to die by way of organs coming out of her butt hole because someone told you that that had happened to their Uncle’s dog one time.   I call my meditation coach again and she says “F*ck you Sarah!  You think Ghandi quit meditating over a little fecal matter?!  You’re never going to be a meditator and your life is going to be stupid!  What’s that?  I put the “h” in the wrong place in Gandhi’s name.  What are you, the spiritual-leader-spell-check-police?!  I hope your dog s*its out it’s organs like that girls Uncle’s dog did that one time!  Go f*ck yourself!”  (she did not say any of that…she told me I could just come to class next week).

 Back to Ruby…. so my roommate Abby suggests that I call her cousin who is a vet in Boston.  He says that since the Rubinator (that’s what I call her sometimes.  I think it’s clever.  Sometimes I call her Rubinator pie…and if she’s being bad, Rubinator pie-hole…I’m never going to get married…) hadn’t thrown up since early that morning and now had enough energy to bark at my other roommate John as he vacuumed the hallway  that I could just take a stool sample into the vet to make sure she hadn’t contracted a parasite.  Unfortunately in order to get the sample and get to the vet  I had to take the night off work.  Which is totally fine because The Secret says I just have to believe that money is on it’s way and I will be rich…right?

poop

Yep, that’s poop.  You’re welcome.

Day 5: Ruby is feeling much better and is really into boiled chicken and rice mixed with cottage cheese.  I will attend Days 2-4 of Meditation class next week and let you know how it goes.  Who knows..maybe I can start writing this blog via my mind instead of this computer…which I’m still paying off…so I might as well just type it and let my enlightened mind do other useful stuff…like laundry and that vagina dance move that Beyonce did at the Superbowl.  Namaste.

beyonce-superbowl-_2473524b

*Scrabble is what us old people call Words with Friends.

Day 36: 33 is half of 66…incase you’re an idiot.

Hey there adoring fans (Bob Richard)!

So, today is the halfway point of starting the new habit that is “NO dairy and NO Coke Zero.”

NoDairy288

no coke zero

It’s been 33 days since I gave up both, and research has shown that it takes 66 days to kick a habit or start a new one.  Which is pretty convenient given the name of my blog (which is a relief because I had no idea what I was going to do with this whole 66-days-till-the-end-of-the-world-but-then-the-end-of-the-world-didin’t-happen-so-what-the-eff-is-my-blog-going-to-be-about-now-?-thing…plus I don’t have any money to buy a new domain name…nor am I creative enough to think another one up).  So today is the check in point of how my life is as an Aspartameless P-gan….

What’s a P-gan?  It’s a Pescetarian Vegan/a word I completely made up.  What’s a Pescetarian you say?  A really hot chick that doesn’t eat meat but still eats seafood.  What’s a vegan?  A really hot chick that doesn’t eat any animals or products produced by animals.  In conclusion, a P-gan is a really hot chick who doesn’t eat meat, still eats seafood, but doesn’t eat any dairy products, and is really hot.  Oh, I already mentioned really hot?  Well, it just needed to be mentioned again for all of you hot single guys that read my blog (there are no hot single guys that read my blog…well maybe they do…until I start talking about my diet…and farts…I won’t talk about farts…girls don’t fart…well some do…the really mean ones fart all of the time…I’m not mean) and might be weirded out by a girl that you can’t take out for a burger even though she will gladly drink beer and eat french fries while you chomp on your rotting animal carcass so why don’t you just go ahead and ask me out already?

Pro’s about being a P-gan and quitting Aspartame

1.  Your farts are nicer (as opposed to mean farts…don’t pretend you don’t know what a mean fart is…it’s exactly what you think it is…that’s the last time I talk about farts…how am I still single?).

2.  You have more energy and need less sleep at night.

3.  You’re skin is clearer.

4.  You’re generally happier (not that you were depressed before, but for some reason you are super happy most of the time now…probably because of the nicer farts).

5.  You get to explain what a P-gan is to people who seem really surprised that it has nothing to do with penises.

Cons about being a P-gan and quitting Aspartame

1.  You gained a pound (which I’m sure has nothing to do with not working out and drinking beer instead…and remember that time when you said you were going to do 100 crunches a day?  Yeah, well that only worked for 2 days fat ass…get your sh*it together…you’ve got 3 weddings to go to this year…by yourself…so it’ time to stop being polite and start getting real…this is the real world…Upper-upper-upper Westside).

2.  People are disappointed that the word P-gan has nothing to do with penises.

Now, to be fair, I have to admit that I’m only about 90% P-gan as I did eat crawfish chowder 2 weeks ago and I’m pretty sure there was some butter in the mussels I ordered last night.  And I guess I’m only 85% Aspartameless too because I’ve still been chewing some spearmint Orbit gum which I’m pretty sure has aspartame in it, but I haven’t found any gum that hasn’t.  So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m a complete fraud and you shouldn’t listen to anything I have to say and that all of my lying is probably the reason that I gained a pound.  But I swear I haven’t had a diet soda since January 3rd, which was my 30th birthday, which was 33 days ago.  Oh, and I may not be as hot as I previously mentioned…

class 3  

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Day 33: Punxsutawney Philly

Hey there adoring fans (Drew Humphrey)!

In honor of Groundhog’s day (the movie…not the actual day) I’ve decided to repeat a day over in order to mark another item off of my bucket list before the world ends (this blog originally started 66 days before the end of the world, December 21st….silly Mayans…and was about getting everything I’ve always wanted to do done before we were taken over by space zombies).  I have decided to go back in time (I did not go back in time) and repeat November 15th 2012 (not really) to do a quite amazing thing that I’ve never been able to do before…

 

soup 1

I got a free soup at Hale and Hearty by using my frequent customer punch card thing!

This may not seem like a big deal to some of you highly organized (you don’t lose these punch cards when you have say 8 of the 10 punches punched out) or super wealthy (you can afford 11 full priced soups) people out there, but it is to me.  I’ve been dreaming of the day that I could walk up to this stoic (and slightly annoyed) soup lady and say, “I’ve filled my punch card!  May I please have my free soup!  Hold on.  I think I have enough punches.  Wait.  Just let me find it.  I know it’s here somewhere.  I left it right next to my Regal Cinema’s rewards card.  You can get free candy on Tuesdays with it.  Whoops.  No.  That was a subway card…the restaurant…not the mode of transportation that is highly inefficient on weekends and holidays…and Mondays-Fridays after 9pm…and when you’re running really late to work and all that’s running are stupid express trains….Oh crap, my subway card is expired.  Do your punch cards expire here?  They do?  Dang.  I hope mine isn’t expired.  Give me just a second.  Nicole, would you hold this?  No it’s just an empty case.  There’s no gum in there.  Remind me to get some gum on the way home.  No, spearmint starts to taste like an old stale gin and tonic after a while.  I like the sweet mint, yeah it’s kind of like you’re chewing on some mint chocolate chip ice cream.  Yeah, I’m still off dairy.  No, I don’t miss it too much.  I fart less.  Ahhh!  Here it is Miss.  One free soup!  Thank you so much for your patience.  I really mean it from the bottom of my Hearty!  Get it?  Because you work at Hale and Hearty?  It’s a play on words.  Ok, yes I’ll keep moving.  Jeez, you really should get a sense of humor.  Nope, there’s not a snowball’s chance in Hale that you are going to find me amusing, huh?  Have a nice day.”

It was great day spent with a medium sized (now that I think of it, I’m an idiot.  Who doesn’t get the large size soup when it’s FREE?!  Stupid Sarah) 3 lentil chili soup, and my awesome friend Nicole Mangi!  Nicole recently moved with her husband out to LA and was in town for a visit before she headed to New Orleans for the big Power Ball game tomorrow (where her husband is the set designer for ESPN…I think)  Nicole and I have known each other since Gypsy on Broadway (did I mention I was on Broadway?  Oh, I did?  Quite a few times?  It’s getting old?  It sounds like I’m bragging? I played on a softball league with Patti LuPone’s son.  Ok, I’ll stop).

(Broadway)

soup 5

Yes, we started the trend of teenie-tiny hats.

We had an amazing conversation about life, the business of show (a fancy way of saying ‘showbiz’ if you didn’t catch that.  If you didn’t catch that you should probably go and hang out at Hale and Hearty on 55th and 8th.  You’ve got a friend behind the counter) and life after 30.   It’s really comforting to know that you’re not crazy and that other people are facing challenges with moving onto different avenues of life.   And also really comforting that someone else has my same affinity for soup on a cold day…

soup 2

Even though this post was meant to happen before the end of the world (which didn’t happen….clearly….or else it did and I’m in a weird Truman Show sociological experiment…I’ll know for sure if I run into that guy that played Biff in the Back to the Future movies today….cause he was in the Truman Show… which is a movie…starring Jim Carrey….rent it…I digress…again), I had another great day of pointing my life in the right direction by hanging out with an amazing friend…who promised she would become a subscriber to my blog.  You guys out there should probably subscribe too.  Or else you may miss one of my life changing events here.  Like earning a free soup.

Big shout out to Nicole Mangi, the soup lady, and the Baltimore Ravens.  Let’s kick some Wild Cat ASS tomorrow!!  What’s that?  They’re not playing the Wild Cats?  Who are the Wild Cats anyway?  Oh, they’re from High School Musical aren’t they.  Oh well.  Let’s give it up for Zac Efron…

zac efron