Day 66: The Last Supper…

Hey there adoring fans (My Mary Trotter)!

What would you eat for your last meal?  You know, say if some ancient people predicted that the world was going to end on December 21st 2012 and it was well, December 21st 2012?  Hmm?  Chocolate cake?   Lobster?  Vodka?  For me, it’s a trip down under!  Wait, no…that sounds oddly sexual…by down under I mean Australia…not genitalia…get your mind out of the gutter…who me?…my mind isn’t in the gutter…it’s you, you weirdo…

66 sarah 16

Ooops, all of this genitalia talk made me lose my train of thought.  This is the wrong picture.  My mom made us stop at the Tractor Supply Store for Chicken Feed before dinner (the amount of camouflage sold here is disturbing, more so because they start with toddler sizes…in pink….Plus side, they do have every single flavor of beef jerkey ever invented…who knew Honey Nutmeg would go well with dried and salted beef?)

My favorite meal (which I have on my Birthday every year…which hopefully I’ll get to do again on January 3rd…if there is a January 3rd…the day’s not over yet) is at…

66 sarah 15

Here it is folks!  My single favorite meal of all time!

We start off with some Wallaby Darned’s (basically a frozen peach daquiri that is like 700 calories but is crazy delicious).

66 sarah 18

Thank you waitress Stacy who keeps calling me ma’am and didn’t ask to see my ID…it’s fine Sarah…you’re just getting older…breathe…breathe…breathe.

Then we order a sensible side salad with ranch dressing (is it still cool to overuse the word sensible?  I’m gonna roll with it anyway)…

66 sarah 19     Don’t forget the bread and butter…a delicious staple at the OBS.

Then comes the bestest most delicious 2 food items on the Earth…

1. Cheese Fries

2. Bloomin’ Onion!

hallelujah! hallelujah-hallelujah-halleee-lujah!

(that’s the sound of 3 million fat angels wetting their pants over the deliciousness that is these 2 glorious appetizers)

66 sarah 20

Mmmmm….if we have to be passed onto the after life, or imprisoned by eight legged zombies, (or absolutely nothing happens before midnight tonight) it will be all good knowing that I’ve finished this world as we know it with this glorious meal.

66 sarah 21(I cropped out my forehead wrinkle in this shot… something to worry about on December 22nd…botox)

Plus, my fab Mom (who has lost over 50 lbs and is now signing up to run a 10k…woot woot!)  received a gift card from her employer yesterday…it’s a sign!

66 sarah 17Love you Mammasita!

Now time to head home to wait out the rest of the sensible day.

So… what did you have for your sensible last supper?

66 sarah 23

Day 65 Part II: It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday…

Hey there adoring fans (I mean it, anyone who’s read any part of this out there)!

So here it is, 12:30’ish am December 21st 2012. I’m still s*itting my pants about the space zombies but  I’m going to go ahead and say right now that this blog is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.  Whether or not the world ends, I’ve taken the time to get back to being myself (a disgusting weirdo)…being creative…and taking risks.  I cannot thank all of you readers enough for supporting me along this production.  The love and support (and amazing comments…if the world doesn’t end, take note that you can leave comments…) that I’ve received from you guys has been incredible.  I have accomplished so many things in these last 66 days that I never would have made a point to do.  I’ve also missed a few…

I never met Tina Fey…

66 sarah 13

I never saw a live taping of SNL…

66 sarah 14


I never fell in love…

wait for it….

In all of my pursuits to fall in love… man hunting, online dating, hookery (j/k) ,  I have yet to find that “special someone”  (although I have “made out” with several non-special someones…just to be sure).  But guess what?  I didn’t need to find  a man to fall in love with (gasp!).  I (as my friend Rebecca predicted) have fallen in love with…myself.  I really don’t mean for that to sound vain.  Seriously.  I didn’t know I had it in me.  All of my life,  I hadn’t realized that  I could become anything except a cute blonde chorus girl (who makes occasional fart jokes)  wishing and hoping that one day a gorgeous prince would come along to complete me.  Well, news flash to me…you don’t need anyone to complete you…if you are complete yourself (I know, go choke down a bag of granola why dontcha?!   Maybe hug a unicorn?!).   I’ve grown so much in my 29.95 years of life and it is 100%  thanks to all of the terrific friends and family that I have surrounded myself with (PS: my mom’s computer doesn’t have that spell check thing where there is a squiggly red line under anything you spell wrong so this blog post could be pretty bad…plus I’ve drank a bottle(s) of wind…whatevs, it’s the end of the world!).  I could go into further detail about these people these “life changers”, but A: they know who they are.  And B: I’m going to spend our last hours calling them 🙂

Here’s a fun shot of me and my (amazing)  Dad…just cause I love him.


In conclusion: I am so happy to have lived the life that I’ve been blessed with and to have met the most amazing people that the world has to offer.  Thank you all for reading my silly little blog, and I wish you all a “Happy Apocalypse!”


Day 65 Part I: Reflection…

Hey there adoring fans (all of you out there who have read even 1 word of this blog)!

So tomorrow is the big day (or just a day like any other) and I’m only a tad bit panicky (it’s a good thing I brought my “audition Xanax” with me).  The best part about being home, is going through all of my old pictures….and unlimited wine in my parents kitchen.  Put the two together, and you get the first part of today’s blog…

Sarah’s life comes full circle!

You see, looking through these old pictures has brought back a ton of great memories.  I am very blessed to have been surrounded by amazing friends and family my entire life.  I’ve also been blessed to see that most of the things I did as a child have come back into my (irresponsible) adult life…especially my hair cuts.  Let’s take a stroll down memory lane…

Here I am with my Mom circa 1984.  Just goin’ for a swim out back.


Now here I am with the same exact hair cut in 2001…at prom (The Dixie Chics were really popular then ok?…I wanted Natalie’s haircut, so I got it…the night before Senior Prom…it was hot….and only made me look a little bit like a 12 year old boy..PS: nice tan line Sarah).

Scan0008Shout out to my prom date Graham…he has the same haircut…and is wearing fake glasses.

Then we grew it out a little into a nice side swiped bang…


That’s me chillin’ like a villan with my big bro (I seem to really want that cake).

Twenty some years later…

66 sarah 9

I learned how to get my own cake by throwing out gang signs (is the WuTang Clan still a gang?  Were they ever a gang?  Is this the right hand gesture?  Whatever, I’m  hard core).

Then we get blonder and fluffier…

Scan0003Yes.  Those are antennas glued to a headband.  I was a bumble bee for my preschoool graduation.  At first we were going to be butterflies but then the teacher switched it up at the last minute and I adapted to that s*it and buzzed my little heart out (first taste as an improvisor!).

Twenty-two’ish years later…

Here’s my buddy Tony and I circa 2007 after we got the call that we were going to be in Gypsy on Broadway (shut up, that hair color is totally natural…I spent a lot of time in the sun…in the winter…in Toronto…)

66 sarah 6

Then skip like 12 years and we have my lovely Senior portrait (before the Dixie Chic/12 year old boy/Lesbian haircut).

 For the record, I don’t know what I was going for here.   Sexy?  Missunderstood?  Orange?


But it sure does look a lot like the picture I just had my Mom take of me (during a commercial break of NCIS.  What’s up with anyone over the age of 50 and that show?)

66 sarah 10

Not only have I kept up with the same hairstyles, I’ve continued with the straight up coolness…


Although I probably wasn’t drinking at a house party in the picture above, I cannot say the same for the one below here…

66 sarah 8

Then there’s my signature belly that started at a young age…


It’s gotten me pretty far.

66 sarah 3


And then my sexy moves…


that have made me the sexy minx that I am today…

66 sarah 5

Looking back, if the world ends tomorrow it will be alright.  I think that if I had a chance to throw a few back at a pub with my baby self she would say “Nice work almost 30 year old Sarah.  Nice work indeed”.  Then we would do a shot of Jack and each pick out a stranger to make out with.

Ps: I plan to do another post for tonight…as soon as my wine kicks in.

Pps: I really hope no child molesters are reading my blog.

Day 64: Where are you going to be?

Hey there adoring fans (Derek Roland)!

Have you given any thought to where you want to be for the End of the World?  Huh?  You might want to figure that out because the EOW is indeed scheduled for…


See how I incorporated a movie title about the apocalypse into my blog about the apocalypse? Pretty clever huh? Eat your heart out other funny apocalypse bloggers…

So, I’ve put a lot of thought into where I’d like to be for December 21st. Since I didn’t win the lottery, Disney World is out. Since I didn’t meet stupid Tina Fey, her apartment is out (just kidding! I still love you Tina! Let’s be best friends!) And as much as I love my amazing city of New York, the millions and millions of annoying, slow walking, picture taking tourists irk me entirely too much! I can’t have their idiocy on my shoulders when maybe having to go into possible battle with space-zombies. No, the place for me to be is at my parents house…in the middle of nowhere Virginia. This way, I get to spend time (drink lots of wine) with my folks and will probs get a heads up from one of my 1200 friends/acquaintances/people I met one time/people I’ve never met/celebrity-look-alikes on facebook if s*it goes down somewhere. So this morning Ruby and I packed our things, borded a train (not a rental car as I had hoped but am too poor for, but still better than a Chinatown bus where the driver only wears one shoe and spits tobacco every 3/4 of a mile) and headed south!

Ok Ruby. Let’s go!


You wanna know a fool proof way to keep someone from sitting next to you on a train?

Wear headphones…


And sit next to an awesome celebrity like Grey’s Anatomy’s Ellen Pompeo…


So we go on a 7 hour train ride to see the rents (that’s what cool kids used to call their parents in the late 90’s. Super ool right. That’s like cool without the c. Which un-ool people like myself make up when they’re riding a train for 7 hours…or like the sign on my neighbor’s pool growing up that said “WELCOME TO OUR OOL. NOTICE THERE IS NO P IN IT. WE’D LIKE TO KEEP IT THAT WAY…I DIGRESS).

So after watching both “Pitch Perfect” (amazing) and Disney’s “Brave” (not as good as “Tangled”) on my Kindle Fire …I made it!

My lovely Mom picked me up…

And then I came home…
(Well, not the house I grew up in…my parents moved back to Virginia after I moved to New York…that’s why they’re so Southern …and deliciously charming)

The first thing that happened upon arrival: Buddy peed on Ruby (that’s what we call a southern handshake)…

Then I got friendly with Otis (you see, in the South you must own no less than 2 hunting dogs…even if you don’t hunt…and they must have bright green alien eyes…protocol…)

So now that it’s passed 9:30 and the rents (we’ve already discussed the word rents) are off to slumber, I guess Ruby and I shall catch up on some of those cute cat youtube videos that you can’t get enough of …especially before…

You see how I brought another apocalyptic movie back in there? Huh? That’s called a call back joke.  I learned it in my Comedy for Dummies book.  Clever girl …

Ps: Cheers…

We have one of those memory foam beds where a girl in a nighty jumps up and down on the mattress over a glass of wine…Ruby was tired…and left her nighties at home… accidentally.

Pps: holla to the Big Bang…don’t ask.

Day 59 or 60 or 63 or so…

Hey there adoring fans (Sophie Burke)!

“Sarah!  It’s almost the End of the World (which is all you seem to talk about).  What the heck have you been doing for our last days?!”

Well theoretical voice, stop being such a pessimist!  The world might not end…but just in case… I’ve been busy decorating for my End of the World/ Holiday party!


Note: this is not my apartment…or dog.
Now, as I’ve already taught you all how to make your own snowflakes out of old magazines (what?  You didn’t read Day 56: Drunken Arts and Crafts?  How dare you?! You’re never going to become an adoring fan in the next 3 days with that kind of lack of commitment).  The next step to creating an awesomely decorated hallway is to get together with your roommates and create dopplegangers of yourselves to hang on the wall (a few drinks always helps with the process).  Now you have fun (and a little creepy) people that you can decorate for any occasion (Halloween, Christmas, Flag Day, Thursday).  This time, I’ve turned ours into “Gnomes of the Winter Wonderland”…

Here’s mine…

decor sarah

Yep…those are cotton balls that I’ve dipped in glitter…and have already started to fall off…dangit…time to get out the hot glue gun….time to call my neighbor to borrow her hot glue gun.

And here’s Abby (she’s a tad “early nineties slutty gnome”)…


decor abby

And then there’s John…he’s always a little sexy…


decor john

Next we add some lights…

decor lights

Then add some classy bows to the kitchen…


decor kitchen

I know what you’re thinking…”Why Sarah, how have you maintained such a fabulous ass while writing a daily blog, skipping the gym and opting instead to drink heavily?”  Well, that’s my little secret you sassy theoretical voice you.

Now it’s time for everyone’s favorite…

the tree!

Time to grab the box out from under the bed…

decor tree box

Mmmm…smell that mildew!  Nothing a little pine scented car air freshener cant’ fix.

Time to put it together.  Fun Fact: I got this tree in Detroit…the land of decent sports teams, Little Caesar’s Pizza, and high murder rates.

decor tree 2

Now that the tree is good and trimmed (by the 15 pack of red ornaments bought at Creepy Al’s 99 cents store), what shall we top it with?

decor thought

I’ve got it!


decor flat pam

Hey Flat Pam and Flat Sarah!  Lookin’ sharp (enough to give me a paper cut…cause you’re made out of paper.  Get it?)

Now what’s next?  Oh yes.  Hey there friend Rebecca, would you mind helping me out with decorating the bathroom?

broom rebecca

Whatcha got there?  A blue tinsel triangle?  What does that have to do with Christmas?

broomOh I see.  It’s a snowflake right?  No?  The Star of David?  Who’s David?  Is he friends with Jesus?  Was he the 10th reindeer that got cut when Santa realized his name wasn’t jovial enough?

Alright.  Well now that we’re all done with decorating, all we have to do is wait for the guests to arrive

To be continued…


Day 58: Girls Just Wanna Have Fu-unnn!

Hey there adoring fans (Nadia)!

December 21st is less than a week away!  Holy crap.  I guess I should pause this episode of Teen Mom 2 and go hang out with one of my dear friends.  Becca Pace!

karaoke beccaI love Becca Pace (even though she makes my head look like a giant that got stung by a bee…on the face, every time I take a picture with her), and with our tricky schedules (Becca is a personal trainer and I like to take naps) it’s hard to find time to see one another.  With the world ending (or not) we decided to make a date for some live music and whiskey.  After a few rounds of whiskey and conversation about the most important things in life (friends, family, and internet porn) we decided to play…

Hey Sarah!  What’s in your bag?

How do you play “Hey Sarah!  What’s in your bag?”  You simply have Sarah open her obnoxiously large bag and see what’s in it.  Let’s see shall we?

We’ve got half of a bottle of Coke Zero…no surprise here.


A (rather disgusting) makeup bag in desperate need of replacing (something I’ll worry about on or after the martians don’t destroy us, you know… December 22nd)…

karaoke makeup

An ABW sock (already been worn)…gross.

karaoke sockOooohh…here’s where my glasses are!  Safe and secure in their Spong Bob Square Pants case.  No, I’m not too old for this.

karaoke spongebob“Bartender, another round please…”

karaoke whiskeyOh Wow!  I forgot I bought this.  I was really tired (hammered) after work one night and bought this Miss. Piggy lollipop because I thought that if someone ever asked me what cartoon character I looked like, I would say her..

karaoke piggy

See what I mean?

karaoke santaThat’s right.  I also have a Santa hat in my bag.  You never know when you’re gonna need one.

“Thank you bartender.  This round’s on me”

karaoke pink glassesYep, those sunglasses were in my Bag ‘O Fun too.  No, I’m not too old for them.  What’s next.  Oh yeah, my fave girls that I keep living inside my Golden Compass (haha…that sounds dirty…inside my golden compass…gross)

karaoke flat girls“I’m sorry girls.  I simply cannot afford to buy you a drink….I already said I’d buy the next round for Becca and I,  and there’s no take-sees back-sees when it comes to bar etiquette.  Now, if I had won the lottery last week that would be a differents story.  Hold on, I think I can solve this problem.  Here we go girls.”

karaoke flaskNow one swig of peppermint schnapps a piece.  You only weigh like -.5 oz.  This should get you nice and toasty…and minty.

What else?  Oh, look… Long Johns!  You never know when you’re going to get cold?  But really, you never know when it’s going to be cold anymore.  (Stupid global warming…that doesn’t exist… according to some D-bags…good thing I bought a Coke zero today…5 cents of each purchase goes to a homeless polar bear.)

karaoke long johnsAnd here’s this little guy.  It’s a pencil topper that I got from my friend Jay while doing Tarzan.   I always forget that I keep it in one of the small pockets and I freak out when I go in there because I think it’s a spider or something..but then I just put it back so I will be surprised again the next time I go in that pocket…it’s the little things.   No, again, I’m not too old for this.

karaoke monkeyWell, that’s all folks.  I had a fantastic night with an amazing friend.  And realized that if the world continues…I should probably make more time for my amazing friends…and  clean out my purse more often.  No, I take it back.  I found some awesome stuff in there.  If I got stuck in an elevator or something, I could totally Macgyver my way out.  I mean, finger monkeys, peppermint schnapps, and an ABW sock…it could happen.  And I’d nail that s*it!

Oh, and one more thing I found in my Bag ‘O Fun…tampons.  You’re welcome fellas.

karaoke tampon

Day 57: You gotta play to win!

Hey there adoring fans (William Michael)!

Remember when I spent $66 on the lottery?  Well…. I won!  I am writing this post while riding in a hot pink stretch limo on my way to the airport!  I’m going to Disney World!  I’m spending the end of the world with effing Mickey Mouse!  Oh and I bought an eye patch made out of solid gold, and Tina Fey is meeting me at the gate…


Oh wait.  No.  I didn’t win the lottery at all.  It was only a Vanilla Vodka induced dream…


Day 56: Why did the Bruschetta cross the road?

Hey there adoring fans (Micki Weiner)!

As the apocalypse is getting closer and closer I’m freaking out more and more. I’ve realized that not only do I need to get some things done that I’ve always want to do, but to also see all of the people that I want to see before the big Kung Pao (that’s Chinese for Kaboom…which is Indian for wam bam thank you mam…which is white trash for explode….which is all racist…I do apologize).   This is where Michael and Craig come in…

dinner smooches

Michael and Craig are two of my best friends in the world.  They’re my brothers from another mother(s).  I met them at a bar (big surprise) 5… 6… or 7 years ago (can’t be quite sure.  Bar years are like Dog years…1 year equals 7 years…which isn’t accurate…this joke is bombing fast….I guess this is what the delete button is for…which I’m not going to use…so just keep reading the poop on a stick sentence…sorry about it).  Monday nights have often been dinner time with Michael and Craig (and by dinner time I mean Craig cooks us dinner while Michael and I drink (lots of) wine.  Well not this time.  This time I showed up early (while Michael was at work…as a personal trainer…with his hot hot body) and Craig and I made dinner for him (Craig showed me how to do some cooking stuff and I drank wine).  We started at the grocery store…

“See Sarah, this is what a shrimp is.”

dinner shrimp

“Now, we need a carrot to cut the acidity in the sauce.  Sarah, have you seen any carrots?”

dinner carrot penis“Oh Sarah, you are positively hilarious!  The way you turned that carrot into a penis is genius!  You’re a regular Carol Burnett.  Now do you know how to pick out basil?  That’s an herb.  No, not like marijuana.  Yes, that’s an herb too.  It’s not used for cooking.  Well, yes some people use it in cookies but that’s not what we’re talking about today.  No,  we’re just making dinner.  Ok, now find the basil.”

dinner basil“Good work!  Now we just need some bread.  Sarah, can you find us some bread?”

dinner bread“Oh look, you turned the bread into a penis too.  This is also hilarious.  With jokes like that, you are certainly the next Lucile Ball.  Now, we’re all set to go.  Sarah what are you doing?  We don’t need any mozzarella today.  Oh, I see.  You’re making boobs.  How fantastically funny you are!”

dinner boobs“Now we just need to pick up one more thing before we head home.  Yup, you got it Sarah.”

dinner wine

“Great!  Now let’s head home and start cooking.  First we need to sharpen the knives.”

dinner knife 2“Oh look.  You’re doing it again.  No matter how many times you do the same joke.  It still works!”

dinner knife penis

“Ok.  Let’s cut some carrots.  Ok, let’s cut some carrots.”

dinner carrot

“See you cut them like this.  Would you like to try Sarah?’

dinner chopped carrots

“Good work.  Now be careful.  That knife is very sharp.  Watch out!  Oh no!”

dinner blood“Oh, silly you.  That’s just ketchup.  I wish Michael was here to see how positively clever you are.”

dinner ketchup“Now we slice the bread…No Sarah.  Slice the bread…don’t eat it.”

dinner eats bread good“Now that we’ve done all this work (that I didn’t take pictures of because I was busy tasting the wine) let’s serve up the bruschetta!”

dinner cheese“Then we’ll do some more stuff that wasn’t depicted because you were drinking some more wine…”

dinner more wine tree“And now we eat the amazing food!  Look at our pretty tree!”

dinner eating and drinking“Michael just texted.  He’ll be home in 5 min Sarah.  He says he can’t wait to see you!  Sarah?…Sarah?”

dinner passed out

Day 56: Arts and (drunken) crafts…

Hey there adoring fans (Dad)!

So tonight was my third and final try (and epic fail) of seeing Wicked before the end of the world (my schedule is packed between now and the EOW).  I arrived at the lottery a half an hour early and no one was there.  It was looking to be a lucky night.  But like sneaky sneakersons…40 Japanese tourists came 5 minutes before the drawing and won all of the tickets.   I just don’t understand the Japanese’s fascination with this show. But then I guess I have a fascination with the show too…maybe I’m part Japanese…


So, alas, I did not get to see the show…again.    I took my sad loser face to Duane Reade to buy some dental floss, and noticed that they had my favourite (sometimes I like to feel fancy and spell things the European way) winter beer, Harpoon Winter Warmer.  So, I forgot the floss, grabbed some beer and headed home to …

Decorate for Christmas!

(Even though the Mayans say that Christmas is not going to happen…you know…with the whole “wold ending on December 21st” thing.  Whatever, I’m throwing a party on the 17th and my crib is going to get the s*it decorated out of it!)

So, here’s a “how to” video of snowflake making…

If you need more of a tutorial (because you are not craft savy and have yet to understand the “how to’s” of snowflake making…or the video is taking too long to load on your smart phone) here’s a step by step….

1. Grab some magazines (that are lying around your apartment because your roommate had some extra rewards points that he couldn’t use for anything better than magazine subscriptions).  Holla Anne Hathaway.  Where’s your pants?  Can’t wait for Les Mis!


2. Drink a festive holiday beer.

flakes beer 1

3. Pick out a pretty ad.

flakes mag

4. Fold to make a square.

flakes fold 1

5. Cut off end piece.

snoflakes cut

6. Fold in half.

flakes fold again

7. Do that s*it again.

flakes tiny fold

8. Cut out some squiggly pieces.


9. Carefully unfold…wow…this looks like a bull skull…or the female reproductive system.

flakes bull

10. And you’ve got a snowflake.

flakes snowflake

11. Congratulations on your hard work!  You should probably drink another beer to celebrate…

flakes beer 2

12. Tape them (the snowflakes…not the beers…although that’s not a bad idea…next year Sarah….next year) to your walls…and add some little pieces tinsel for shine.

flakes on wall

13. You’re done! But maybe…1 more beer…

flakes beer 3

Beautiful (free) decorations!

flakes hallway

“Hey Sarah.  Are those pictures of life sized people on your walls?”  Why yes they are.  To be explained another day…

Day 55: Excuse me Sir…have you seen Tina?

Hey there adoring fans (John.Raterman)!

As the clock of doom is counting down to…well…Dooms Day, I still have yet to achieve my #1 goal…

Meet Tina Fey!

I’m starting to run out of hope that this will ever happen.  I mean, I’ve done everything humanly possible to meet this goddess of comedy (and of pulling off both straight AND wavy hair…that’s not easy fellas).  So far,  I’ve walked aimlessly around 30 Rockefeller Center…


Couldn’t find her.
I’ve sent her a fan letter written on a hand turkey.


No response.

And I’ve written a Facebook status update…


I mean.  What else was I supposed to do?!?!  Find out her social security number and hack into her old Frienster account?  Well, I would if I could folks, but I doubt it would get me anywhere. I mean who uses Friendster?   Then it came to me.  A girl at work mentioned that Tina came into the restaurant that she used to work at once.  I got it!  I’ll just go to that restaurant for brunch (bottomless Bloody Marys) and run into Tina Fey while wearing the same outfit that she’ll be wearing and say “Hi Tina Fey.  Look!  We’re wearing the same outfit.  Then Tina will laugh and invite me to come work for her on her new hilarious television show (I have no idea if she’s working on a new show, but if she is I hope it involves Dance Moms and baby penguins…now that’s an idea!).  My plan was fool proof!

Step 1: dress in the exact same outfit that Tina will be wearing…



That you had to borrow from your roommate John…


Step 2:  Go to the restaurant that someone told you Tina went to one time.


Step 3: Stay there for 2 hours (drinking) until she doesn’t show up and brunch is over and your dreams of ever meeting her before the world explodes are crushed…sad face.


Step 4:  Mope about it until your friend gets tired of you and decides to punch you in the thyroid.  Then make up and go to a bar with the most fabulous Christmas decorations ever!


I know you’re out there Tina!  I’ve only got a few days left but I WILL FIND YOU!  ok, I’m sorry about that.  Why does using Caps lock make me look like a serial molester?  Oh and Tina, I found out where you work out…I’LL BE WAITING…sorry again…i’ll be waiting to meet you, except not really because I can’t even afford a smoothie at that place.

Day 54: Guess who fell into the Idiot Taxhole…?

Hey there adoring fans (John Raterman and Franklyn Warfield)!

So, as previously mentioned on Day 53 (what?  you haven’t read Day 53?  you’re never going to become a coveted “adoring fan” with that attitude) I devoted my first 66 bucks of last night’s shot selling money to spend on the lottery.  I mean, the world’s gonna end (or not) anyway.  Why not try to turn 66 bucks into 24 million bucks?  I mean, Jesus turned water into wine, right? (is that not a good comparison?)   Plus, if you don’t win you’re only out 66 bucks (6 bottles of wine…if you’re classy….9 bottles if you’re less classy…and 14 bottles if you’re…well…me), and if you DO win, you’re an effing millionaire (if you get the money within the next 12 days that is…otherwise you’re still a poor single girl with no health insurance who might have been a millionaire if the world didn’t explode..or half millionaire because you owe your good friend Rebecca a percentage…and probs the IRS will take a portion of your winnings…so now you’re what…a quarter millionaire?  Still with no insurance?  But now you can finally afford COBRA.  But that’s probably expired by now.  Whatevs, with a quarter of a million dollars you can probs buy some  freelancers insurance or some s*it…  Maybe get that mole checked out.  The border is looking a tad irregular.  I digress)!

Ok, so last night started as a great shot night.  I made $66 within the firs 20 minutes…


Yep.  That’s me selling shots.  Don’t be jealous of my career path.  Unfortunately the next four hours didn’t go as well.  I don’t understand this new phenomenon of coming out to a bar for a bachelorette party and not pounding shots.  What is wrong with you people.  If you are wearing a tiara made out of glow in the dark penises, you are obligated to do a $5 shot out of a test-tube!  No exceptions.  I don’t care if you promised your fiance that you would only have 2 glasses of  pinot grigio…he’s probably a douche just like you… you blissfully happy whore.!!! Ok, Sarah.  Take a break.  Calm down.




Ok, I’m back.   So basically,  I didn’t make the $350 that I was hoping for.  But that didn’t stop me from spending that first $66 on lottery tickets this morning  (Plus, Rebecca took pitty on me and chipped in  $11 to the campaign…which is why I will only be a quarter of a millionaire when all is said and done).  image

So this morning, after walking the dogs, we headed to our neighborhood gas station (yep.  We’re the only people in Manhattan that have a neighborhood gas station.  Jealous?!) and spent $66 dollars on lottery tickets…


And $1.50 on a coke zero…


$22 was spent on scratch offs…


$22 on Mega Million…


And $22 on Powerball!  Shout out to my homies at BP (don’t worry…none of these guys personally killed New Orleans or baby ducks with a giant oil spill…I swear)!  I visit these guys every morning.  A coke zero a day keeps the doctor away…am I right?  No?  What’s that you say?  Aspartame causes cancer in 10 out of 12 lab rats?  Sounds like something I need to worry about …on December 22nd.


We started out with some positive signs.


Then we spent 20 minutes (and the $22) not winning a single penny on our scratch offs.  Until… with one more left to go…we won!


One dollar…


Which is totally fine because…

A.  I need laundry money.

And B.  On Wednesday night at 9pm we are going to win both the Powerball and the Mega Million jackpots!  Here’s Rebecca filling out our lucky numbers…ie: the numbers she got from her Chinese delivery fortune cookies last night…


PS: Don’t worry.  Rebecca got her portion of the winnings…thus far.


Day 53: You gotta play to win…

Hey there adoring fans (Nicole Mangi Kramer)!

So, as you may have noticed my last post was from Day 44.  Well, it seems that I’ve missed some days (because I’ve been lazy…and by lazy I mean drunk) here and there, and am now realizing that we only have 13 days left until the world explodes (or is taken over by aliens, or zombies, or absolutely nothing happens and I will turn 30 and have to find a job with health insurance) and I am actually on Day 53…whoops!  As the days are dwindling down I am getting more and more nervous, not only about our fate, but about getting some things done on this blog.  It’s really hard juggling these 20 hour work weeks, improv shows, and reruns of How I Met Your Mother.  So, as I have to work tonight, I’d thought I’d make a goal out of my test-tube shot selling.  I chatted with my buddy Rebecca about the idea.  Here is a recap of the conversation

Rebecca:  “How about you take the first 66 dollars that you make and donate it to the victims of Hurricane Sandy.”

Sarah:  “Well that sounds lovely but I am selfish.  I’ve got a better idea.  How about I take the first 66 dollars that I make and blow it all on lottery tickets!”

Rebecca:  “Sarah.  You are a terrible person.  Here’s 5 bucks.  I want in”


boobs $5

So here we go.  I’ve always wanted to see what would happen if I spent an absurd amount of money on what some people call the “idiot tax,” and tonight is the night (well, technically tomorrow morning.  I don’t think you can buy lottery tickets after 11pm)!   I mean, I have to win something right?   And if not.  Who cares.  Tickets to the apocalypse are free!

First thing I’m doing if I win the lottery?  Going to Disney World (shut up, I love it there).  Second thing, inviting Tina Fey (my friend Andrew just let me know that she works out at his gym…I’m getting closer!)

PS:  I guess if I win the lottery I could throw some cash to Sandy victims.  That would bring me back to being a good person right?   Decent person?  Ok person?  Oh well. Here we go!


Day 44: Lights….camera…IMPROV!

Hey there adoring fans (that’s you Allison)!

So, here’s the thing.  About a year ago.  I decided I wanted to try something new.  It was right around New Years and my 29th birthday was approaching (I’ve got the big 3-0 coming up…you know, if the world doesn’t explode.  Feel free to message me for the mailing address to send my gifts.  The top contenders are a new computer and glow in the dark slinky).  You see,  I was pretty successful with Musical Theatre but I was getting a little tired of tap dancing in the background.  My favorite times on stage were not necessarily the moments when I was grinning while charleston-ing, but the times when I’d make a cast member break on stage by mooning her with a face drawn on my butt.



Yep.  That happened.

I knew with a skill set of hilarity and butt-art I could do more than just be the 3rd girl from the right in a musical.  I needed a change but had no idea what that change was.  Then a very wise woman, Broadway’s Jennifer Smith (pictured above in the pink dress and scowl) suggested that I take an improv class.  “Hmmm.  I’ve always wanted to try one of those classes,” is what I said.   A few days later,  while walking my dog in the park, I ran into a gal who I’d seen a dozen times and we started to chat about life.  I asked her if she had ever done any improv and she said “Funny you ask…I’m an impovisor myself.”  She then went on to tell me that her favorite improv teacher of all time was starting a level 1 class at the end of the month.  It was fate (plus I didn’t have to do any actual research that day and could sit on my couch and re-watch the finale of Lost which I re-hated).  I signed up that very day and it changed my life forever.

Ok, here’s comes some sappy stuff (if you don’t want to read it….don’t….just keep looking at the picture of my butt)…

The gal that suggested the class is Rebecca who has become one of my best friends (and has been featured several times in my blog, most notably the day we took our dogs to a bar).  She has definitely made me look at my life and discover the gifts that I have to offer (besides drawing faces on my butt).  If it wasn’t for her, I would never have met Holly who is indeed the best improv teacher in the world!  If I hadn’t met Holly I  would still be the girl at auditions telling fart jokes (I mean, I still do that,  but I feel that with my new training there are many more layers involved when it comes to a well crafted fart joke), and not have reached my potential both as an actor and as a stripper (just kidding…although one may be considered a stripper after posting a picture of their butt on the internet…there does seem to be someone waving a dollar bill at me).  Improv has inspired me to step out of dancing in the background and to step into being leader in the foreground.  It also lit a fire under my ass to start writing again, which lead me to this blog which is now read by tens of twenties of people (including my mom and dad…sorry about the butt picutre) from all over the United States (and Tanzania…still don’t know how I got 2 readers there?)

So here it is folks a (tad blurry…that’s what happens with bright lights and blonde hair) video of one of my monologues from last night.  If you don’t think it’s funny then whatever…you totally had to be there… performances don’t translate well on camera…shut up it was my first monologue ever…I don’t care what you think.



PS: Big shout out to Holly Mandel (best improv teacher in the world) and Rebecca Stuard (BFF who is also a kick ass improv teacher, friend, and dog walking companion) and everyone at Improvolution…

Day 43: Monologues vs. Man hunting…


Hey there adoring fans (Fred Macri and Jason Di Tullio)!

So, as I have a crazy busy work week ahead of me (’tis the season for test tube shots), I have to get some End of the World items checked off in the the most efficient way possible so that I can blog and still make money to blow on December 20th…

Front runners of what I’m going to blow all of my money on on December 20th:

1.  A miniature horse.  I’d name him Leon.

2.  One of those ice cream sundaes topped with gold leaf shavings.

2. A stretch limo to tour my home town so that I can pop out of the sunroof and wave at people like I’ve made it to the “Final 3” on American Idol.

3.  Pay Tina Fey to eat a sandwich with me.

The world is your oyster when you’re talking about throwing away your entire life savings($87)!  I mean the world could explode…or not.

Now back to getting sh*t done (as I am sitting in a cafe down the street from my apartment because our stupid modem is down…and all the electric outlets are being used by nerdy college students…and my sad iBook G4 goes from 99% battery to 0% in a matter of 16 minutes…so I probably shouldn’t have spent 5 of those minutes thinking of witty ways to blow my life savings…and then digressing more…as I tend to do).  Anywho, as a chorus girl in the Musical Theatre industry for past 10 years, I’ve performed in front of thousands of people.  Even some famous ones like Harry Potter (D-rad), John Travolta, and Meryl Streep.  Wait, one of the hipsters sitting by the outlets just left…hold on…YES!  Weve got power!  Now I can digress forever!  So, what was I saying.  Oh yes, I was bragging about Meryl Streep…

I’m the second closest to her on the left.

(shout out to my Gypsy peeps!)


See!  And here’s Johnny T (pre-male-masseuse scandal) he really was the nicest man ever!  I think he was filming that weird movie where he steals a train.

I’m the one with the mutton chops.
john travolta

Sorry, no pic of Harry Potter…he’s always in his invisibility cloak…get it?

In every performance I’ve done, I’ve always been the member of an ensemble of 10-15 people.  I have played some small roles before but they usually only consist of 1 or 2 lines which tend to be like “Hey Peggy Sawyer, which way to the clam bake?”  but I’ve never performed solo.  Well, this Thursday that’s all about to change!  You see, I’ve been studying Improv for about a year now (best decision I ever made!  Besides switching from diet coke to coke zero…life changing).  On Thursday (as in tomorrow) I will be performing 2 character monologues which I wrote myself.  They’re about 3 1/2 minutes a piece, and they’re freaking the spit out of me.  Since I haven’t had much time to bucket list, last night I combined studying my monologues with man hunting.


imageIt didn’t work out very well.  See, when you stare at a beer glass and talk to it for an hour as if you’re a 57 year old Italian woman (Character #1) the fellas don’t seem to come a runnin’.  Weird right?  Who knew?

imageBut it’s all good, because tomorrow night I’m going to do a great job! …I’m going to do a good job!…I’m going to do a mediocre job!…I’m going to NOT crap my pants on stage!…I’m going to TRY not to crap my pants on stage!  I’m going to clean up after I crap my pants on stage…I’m not cleaning it up.

Wish me luck!


Ps: If anyone living in NYC is interested in taking an Improv class check out

They’re seriously life changers.


PPS:  I’m leaning towards Leon…


Day 42: Light as a feather stiff as a board…

Hey there adoring fans (Justin Aefsky and Madeleine Reade)!

So, as most of you know, I’m looking for love before the End of the World (kinda like that Steve Carrell movie, seeking a friend for the end of the world…but a love-r…and not sure if that’s the accurate title, but as my iBook G4 from 2005 seems to be failing me tonight as well as my stupid 3 year old android phone who won’t let me open up a Google window so I can fact check…and won’t connect to stupid Time Warner Cable because it’s well…stupid…and keeps making typos because I have big thumbs which I inherited from my father… I digress… yet again) I’ve realized that the reason that I haven’t made a love connection is not because of ME …but definitely because of my friends Flat Pam and Flat Sarah (if you don’t know who the Flat girls are, go back to Day twenty something or thirty something….what do I know, I can’t look anything up from this stupid (might as well be rotary phone)).


See, the problem is not with my flirting technique (of pretending that the guy “I swear looks so much like my next-door neighbor from growing up”…and then maybe throwing in my signature knock-knock joke and leopard thong flash…sometimes zebra, occasionally tortoise shell). The problem is that the Flat girls often accompany me to the bar…and I’ve noticed that they seem to be getting a little…soft (perhaps from all those marshmallows…or from sitting at home and writing blogs instead of going to dance class) so I took them to the Gym!


Alright girls. This is the ellyptical machine. It’s great for people with bad knees (fatty’s too lazy for treadmills).


Don’t worry. I brought some “Grey’s Anatomy” fat burning entertainment (PS: it blows again…don’t bother).


Quick water break ladies. No dilly dallying and no running…’cause my crayola’s are out of ink…get it?


Way to go Flat Pam! Some more cardio will burn that “sweet meat” right off and make you more appealing to the opposite Flat sex. Flat Sarah, I wish you could show some initiative like Flat Pam here.


Way to go Flat Sarah. The stationary bike…ie: the fitness equipment of the elderly. You’re gonna be fat forever…and maybe get a hemorrhoid.


Time for some heavy lifting ladies. Nothing says “Hey handsome 30 something guy that appears to not live with his parents…you should meet my friend life-size Sarah” like some toned triceps.


Same goes for quads…


Alright Flat Sarah. Now it’s just sad.


Don’t forget to wipe down the equipment…or else your fellow gymmers will glare at you…or you’ll get Hep C.


OK ladies. Let’s see how well you did. I wanna see -3 oz or else it’s the back-end-of-the-toothbrush-down-the-throat for you…


Pretty good girls. Now how’s about a steam and a shower to squeeze out those last few millimeters of disgust .


You girls look A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!


I have a feeling that with all of our skinny/hot/hilarious powers combined, love is right around the corner! Now, Flat ladies, have yourselves some laxatives and electrolytes and off to bed.

PS: Thank you (to my 12 readers) for tolerating this post that took 4 hours to publish, and was written on a screen the size of a powerball ticket. If the world doesn’t explode on the 21st, I will work on buying (beg a rich person to buy me) some efficient technology.

Pps : it’s 2:30 in the morning. I’ll edit tomorrow.