Hey there adoring fans (Micki Weiner)!

As the apocalypse is getting closer and closer I’m freaking out more and more. I’ve realized that not only do I need to get some things done that I’ve always want to do, but to also see all of the people that I want to see before the big Kung Pao (that’s Chinese for Kaboom…which is Indian for wam bam thank you mam…which is white trash for explode….which is all racist…I do apologize).   This is where Michael and Craig come in…

Michael and Craig are two of my best friends in the world.  They’re my brothers from another mother(s).  I met them at a bar (big surprise) 5… 6… or 7 years ago (can’t be quite sure.  Bar years are like Dog years…1 year equals 7 years…which isn’t accurate…this joke is bombing fast….I guess this is what the delete button is for…which I’m not going to use…so just keep reading the poop on a stick sentence…sorry about it).  Monday nights have often been dinner time with Michael and Craig (and by dinner time I mean Craig cooks us dinner while Michael and I drink (lots of) wine.  Well not this time.  This time I showed up early (while Michael was at work…as a personal trainer…with his hot hot body) and Craig and I made dinner for him (Craig showed me how to do some cooking stuff and I drank wine).  We started at the grocery store…

“See Sarah, this is what a shrimp is.”

“Now, we need a carrot to cut the acidity in the sauce.  Sarah, have you seen any carrots?”

“Oh Sarah, you are positively hilarious!  The way you turned that carrot into a penis is genius!  You’re a regular Carol Burnett.  Now do you know how to pick out basil?  That’s an herb.  No, not like marijuana.  Yes, that’s an herb too.  It’s not used for cooking.  Well, yes some people use it in cookies but that’s not what we’re talking about today.  No,  we’re just making dinner.  Ok, now find the basil.”

“Good work!  Now we just need some bread.  Sarah, can you find us some bread?”

“Oh look, you turned the bread into a penis too.  This is also hilarious.  With jokes like that, you are certainly the next Lucile Ball.  Now, we’re all set to go.  Sarah what are you doing?  We don’t need any mozzarella today.  Oh, I see.  You’re making boobs.  How fantastically funny you are!”

“Now we just need to pick up one more thing before we head home.  Yup, you got it Sarah.”

“Great!  Now let’s head home and start cooking.  First we need to sharpen the knives.”

“Oh look.  You’re doing it again.  No matter how many times you do the same joke.  It still works!”

“Ok.  Let’s cut some carrots.  Ok, let’s cut some carrots.”

“See you cut them like this.  Would you like to try Sarah?’

“Good work.  Now be careful.  That knife is very sharp.  Watch out!  Oh no!”

“Oh, silly you.  That’s just ketchup.  I wish Michael was here to see how positively clever you are.”

“Now we slice the bread…No Sarah.  Slice the bread…don’t eat it.”

“Now that we’ve done all this work (that I didn’t take pictures of because I was busy tasting the wine) let’s serve up the bruschetta!”

“Then we’ll do some more stuff that wasn’t depicted because you were drinking some more wine…”

“And now we eat the amazing food!  Look at our pretty tree!”

“Michael just texted.  He’ll be home in 5 min Sarah.  He says he can’t wait to see you!  Sarah?…Sarah?”