Day 54: Guess who fell into the Idiot Taxhole…?

Hey there adoring fans (John Raterman and Franklyn Warfield)!

So, as previously mentioned on Day 53 (what?  you haven’t read Day 53?  you’re never going to become a coveted “adoring fan” with that attitude) I devoted my first 66 bucks of last night’s shot selling money to spend on the lottery.  I mean, the world’s gonna end (or not) anyway.  Why not try to turn 66 bucks into 24 million bucks?  I mean, Jesus turned water into wine, right? (is that not a good comparison?)   Plus, if you don’t win you’re only out 66 bucks (6 bottles of wine…if you’re classy….9 bottles if you’re less classy…and 14 bottles if you’re…well…me), and if you DO win, you’re an effing millionaire (if you get the money within the next 12 days that is…otherwise you’re still a poor single girl with no health insurance who might have been a millionaire if the world didn’t explode..or half millionaire because you owe your good friend Rebecca a percentage…and probs the IRS will take a portion of your winnings…so now you’re what…a quarter millionaire?  Still with no insurance?  But now you can finally afford COBRA.  But that’s probably expired by now.  Whatevs, with a quarter of a million dollars you can probs buy some  freelancers insurance or some s*it…  Maybe get that mole checked out.  The border is looking a tad irregular.  I digress)!

Ok, so last night started as a great shot night.  I made $66 within the firs 20 minutes…

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Yep.  That’s me selling shots.  Don’t be jealous of my career path.  Unfortunately the next four hours didn’t go as well.  I don’t understand this new phenomenon of coming out to a bar for a bachelorette party and not pounding shots.  What is wrong with you people.  If you are wearing a tiara made out of glow in the dark penises, you are obligated to do a $5 shot out of a test-tube!  No exceptions.  I don’t care if you promised your fiance that you would only have 2 glasses of  pinot grigio…he’s probably a douche just like you… you blissfully happy whore.!!! Ok, Sarah.  Take a break.  Calm down.

3….

2….

1…..

Ok, I’m back.   So basically,  I didn’t make the $350 that I was hoping for.  But that didn’t stop me from spending that first $66 on lottery tickets this morning  (Plus, Rebecca took pitty on me and chipped in  $11 to the campaign…which is why I will only be a quarter of a millionaire when all is said and done).  image

So this morning, after walking the dogs, we headed to our neighborhood gas station (yep.  We’re the only people in Manhattan that have a neighborhood gas station.  Jealous?!) and spent $66 dollars on lottery tickets…

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And $1.50 on a coke zero…

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$22 was spent on scratch offs…

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$22 on Mega Million…

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And $22 on Powerball!  Shout out to my homies at BP (don’t worry…none of these guys personally killed New Orleans or baby ducks with a giant oil spill…I swear)!  I visit these guys every morning.  A coke zero a day keeps the doctor away…am I right?  No?  What’s that you say?  Aspartame causes cancer in 10 out of 12 lab rats?  Sounds like something I need to worry about …on December 22nd.

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We started out with some positive signs.

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Then we spent 20 minutes (and the $22) not winning a single penny on our scratch offs.  Until… with one more left to go…we won!

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One dollar…

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Which is totally fine because…

A.  I need laundry money.

And B.  On Wednesday night at 9pm we are going to win both the Powerball and the Mega Million jackpots!  Here’s Rebecca filling out our lucky numbers…ie: the numbers she got from her Chinese delivery fortune cookies last night…

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PS: Don’t worry.  Rebecca got her portion of the winnings…thus far.

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Day 53: You gotta play to win…

Hey there adoring fans (Nicole Mangi Kramer)!

So, as you may have noticed my last post was from Day 44.  Well, it seems that I’ve missed some days (because I’ve been lazy…and by lazy I mean drunk) here and there, and am now realizing that we only have 13 days left until the world explodes (or is taken over by aliens, or zombies, or absolutely nothing happens and I will turn 30 and have to find a job with health insurance) and I am actually on Day 53…whoops!  As the days are dwindling down I am getting more and more nervous, not only about our fate, but about getting some things done on this blog.  It’s really hard juggling these 20 hour work weeks, improv shows, and reruns of How I Met Your Mother.  So, as I have to work tonight, I’d thought I’d make a goal out of my test-tube shot selling.  I chatted with my buddy Rebecca about the idea.  Here is a recap of the conversation

Rebecca:  “How about you take the first 66 dollars that you make and donate it to the victims of Hurricane Sandy.”

Sarah:  “Well that sounds lovely but I am selfish.  I’ve got a better idea.  How about I take the first 66 dollars that I make and blow it all on lottery tickets!”

Rebecca:  “Sarah.  You are a terrible person.  Here’s 5 bucks.  I want in”

 

boobs $5

So here we go.  I’ve always wanted to see what would happen if I spent an absurd amount of money on what some people call the “idiot tax,” and tonight is the night (well, technically tomorrow morning.  I don’t think you can buy lottery tickets after 11pm)!   I mean, I have to win something right?   And if not.  Who cares.  Tickets to the apocalypse are free!

First thing I’m doing if I win the lottery?  Going to Disney World (shut up, I love it there).  Second thing, inviting Tina Fey (my friend Andrew just let me know that she works out at his gym…I’m getting closer!)

PS:  I guess if I win the lottery I could throw some cash to Sandy victims.  That would bring me back to being a good person right?   Decent person?  Ok person?  Oh well. Here we go!

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Day 44: Lights….camera…IMPROV!


Hey there adoring fans (that’s you Allison)!

So, here’s the thing.  About a year ago.  I decided I wanted to try something new.  It was right around New Years and my 29th birthday was approaching (I’ve got the big 3-0 coming up…you know, if the world doesn’t explode.  Feel free to message me for the mailing address to send my gifts.  The top contenders are a new computer and glow in the dark slinky).  You see,  I was pretty successful with Musical Theatre but I was getting a little tired of tap dancing in the background.  My favorite times on stage were not necessarily the moments when I was grinning while charleston-ing, but the times when I’d make a cast member break on stage by mooning her with a face drawn on my butt.

 

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Yep.  That happened.

I knew with a skill set of hilarity and butt-art I could do more than just be the 3rd girl from the right in a musical.  I needed a change but had no idea what that change was.  Then a very wise woman, Broadway’s Jennifer Smith (pictured above in the pink dress and scowl) suggested that I take an improv class.  “Hmmm.  I’ve always wanted to try one of those classes,” is what I said.   A few days later,  while walking my dog in the park, I ran into a gal who I’d seen a dozen times and we started to chat about life.  I asked her if she had ever done any improv and she said “Funny you ask…I’m an impovisor myself.”  She then went on to tell me that her favorite improv teacher of all time was starting a level 1 class at the end of the month.  It was fate (plus I didn’t have to do any actual research that day and could sit on my couch and re-watch the finale of Lost which I re-hated).  I signed up that very day and it changed my life forever.

Ok, here’s comes some sappy stuff (if you don’t want to read it….don’t….just keep looking at the picture of my butt)…

The gal that suggested the class is Rebecca who has become one of my best friends (and has been featured several times in my blog, most notably the day we took our dogs to a bar).  She has definitely made me look at my life and discover the gifts that I have to offer (besides drawing faces on my butt).  If it wasn’t for her, I would never have met Holly who is indeed the best improv teacher in the world!  If I hadn’t met Holly I  would still be the girl at auditions telling fart jokes (I mean, I still do that,  but I feel that with my new training there are many more layers involved when it comes to a well crafted fart joke), and not have reached my potential both as an actor and as a stripper (just kidding…although one may be considered a stripper after posting a picture of their butt on the internet…there does seem to be someone waving a dollar bill at me).  Improv has inspired me to step out of dancing in the background and to step into being leader in the foreground.  It also lit a fire under my ass to start writing again, which lead me to this blog which is now read by tens of twenties of people (including my mom and dad…sorry about the butt picutre) from all over the United States (and Tanzania…still don’t know how I got 2 readers there?)

So here it is folks a (tad blurry…that’s what happens with bright lights and blonde hair) video of one of my monologues from last night.  If you don’t think it’s funny then whatever…you totally had to be there… performances don’t translate well on camera…shut up it was my first monologue ever…I don’t care what you think.

 

 

PS: Big shout out to Holly Mandel (best improv teacher in the world) and Rebecca Stuard (BFF who is also a kick ass improv teacher, friend, and dog walking companion) and everyone at Improvolution….www.improvolution.org

Day 43: Monologues vs. Man hunting…

 

Hey there adoring fans (Fred Macri and Jason Di Tullio)!

So, as I have a crazy busy work week ahead of me (’tis the season for test tube shots), I have to get some End of the World items checked off in the the most efficient way possible so that I can blog and still make money to blow on December 20th…

Front runners of what I’m going to blow all of my money on on December 20th:

1.  A miniature horse.  I’d name him Leon.

2.  One of those ice cream sundaes topped with gold leaf shavings.

2. A stretch limo to tour my home town so that I can pop out of the sunroof and wave at people like I’ve made it to the “Final 3” on American Idol.

3.  Pay Tina Fey to eat a sandwich with me.

The world is your oyster when you’re talking about throwing away your entire life savings($87)!  I mean the world could explode…or not.

Now back to getting sh*t done (as I am sitting in a cafe down the street from my apartment because our stupid modem is down…and all the electric outlets are being used by nerdy college students…and my sad iBook G4 goes from 99% battery to 0% in a matter of 16 minutes…so I probably shouldn’t have spent 5 of those minutes thinking of witty ways to blow my life savings…and then digressing more…as I tend to do).  Anywho, as a chorus girl in the Musical Theatre industry for past 10 years, I’ve performed in front of thousands of people.  Even some famous ones like Harry Potter (D-rad), John Travolta, and Meryl Streep.  Wait, one of the hipsters sitting by the outlets just left…hold on…YES!  Weve got power!  Now I can digress forever!  So, what was I saying.  Oh yes, I was bragging about Meryl Streep…

I’m the second closest to her on the left.

(shout out to my Gypsy peeps!)

streep

See!  And here’s Johnny T (pre-male-masseuse scandal) he really was the nicest man ever!  I think he was filming that weird movie where he steals a train.

I’m the one with the mutton chops.
john travolta

Sorry, no pic of Harry Potter…he’s always in his invisibility cloak…get it?

In every performance I’ve done, I’ve always been the member of an ensemble of 10-15 people.  I have played some small roles before but they usually only consist of 1 or 2 lines which tend to be like “Hey Peggy Sawyer, which way to the clam bake?”  but I’ve never performed solo.  Well, this Thursday that’s all about to change!  You see, I’ve been studying Improv for about a year now (best decision I ever made!  Besides switching from diet coke to coke zero…life changing).  On Thursday (as in tomorrow) I will be performing 2 character monologues which I wrote myself.  They’re about 3 1/2 minutes a piece, and they’re freaking the spit out of me.  Since I haven’t had much time to bucket list, last night I combined studying my monologues with man hunting.

 

imageIt didn’t work out very well.  See, when you stare at a beer glass and talk to it for an hour as if you’re a 57 year old Italian woman (Character #1) the fellas don’t seem to come a runnin’.  Weird right?  Who knew?

imageBut it’s all good, because tomorrow night I’m going to do a great job! …I’m going to do a good job!…I’m going to do a mediocre job!…I’m going to NOT crap my pants on stage!…I’m going to TRY not to crap my pants on stage!  I’m going to clean up after I crap my pants on stage…I’m not cleaning it up.

Wish me luck!

 

Ps: If anyone living in NYC is interested in taking an Improv class check out http://www.improvolution.org

They’re seriously life changers.

 

PPS:  I’m leaning towards Leon…

leon

Day 42: Light as a feather stiff as a board…

Hey there adoring fans (Justin Aefsky and Madeleine Reade)!

So, as most of you know, I’m looking for love before the End of the World (kinda like that Steve Carrell movie, seeking a friend for the end of the world…but a love-r…and not sure if that’s the accurate title, but as my iBook G4 from 2005 seems to be failing me tonight as well as my stupid 3 year old android phone who won’t let me open up a Google window so I can fact check…and won’t connect to stupid Time Warner Cable because it’s well…stupid…and keeps making typos because I have big thumbs which I inherited from my father… I digress… yet again) I’ve realized that the reason that I haven’t made a love connection is not because of ME …but definitely because of my friends Flat Pam and Flat Sarah (if you don’t know who the Flat girls are, go back to Day twenty something or thirty something….what do I know, I can’t look anything up from this stupid (might as well be rotary phone)).

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See, the problem is not with my flirting technique (of pretending that the guy “I swear looks so much like my next-door neighbor from growing up”…and then maybe throwing in my signature knock-knock joke and leopard thong flash…sometimes zebra, occasionally tortoise shell). The problem is that the Flat girls often accompany me to the bar…and I’ve noticed that they seem to be getting a little…soft (perhaps from all those marshmallows…or from sitting at home and writing blogs instead of going to dance class) so I took them to the Gym!

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Alright girls. This is the ellyptical machine. It’s great for people with bad knees (fatty’s too lazy for treadmills).

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Don’t worry. I brought some “Grey’s Anatomy” fat burning entertainment (PS: it blows again…don’t bother).

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Quick water break ladies. No dilly dallying and no running…’cause my crayola’s are out of ink…get it?

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Way to go Flat Pam! Some more cardio will burn that “sweet meat” right off and make you more appealing to the opposite Flat sex. Flat Sarah, I wish you could show some initiative like Flat Pam here.

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Way to go Flat Sarah. The stationary bike…ie: the fitness equipment of the elderly. You’re gonna be fat forever…and maybe get a hemorrhoid.

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Time for some heavy lifting ladies. Nothing says “Hey handsome 30 something guy that appears to not live with his parents…you should meet my friend life-size Sarah” like some toned triceps.

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Same goes for quads…

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Alright Flat Sarah. Now it’s just sad.

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Don’t forget to wipe down the equipment…or else your fellow gymmers will glare at you…or you’ll get Hep C.

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OK ladies. Let’s see how well you did. I wanna see -3 oz or else it’s the back-end-of-the-toothbrush-down-the-throat for you…

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Pretty good girls. Now how’s about a steam and a shower to squeeze out those last few millimeters of disgust .

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You girls look A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!

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I have a feeling that with all of our skinny/hot/hilarious powers combined, love is right around the corner! Now, Flat ladies, have yourselves some laxatives and electrolytes and off to bed.

PS: Thank you (to my 12 readers) for tolerating this post that took 4 hours to publish, and was written on a screen the size of a powerball ticket. If the world doesn’t explode on the 21st, I will work on buying (beg a rich person to buy me) some efficient technology.

Pps : it’s 2:30 in the morning. I’ll edit tomorrow.

Day 41: The date…

Hey there adoring (Katie Green and Stephanie Seiler)!

So tonight I went on a date.  This guys asked me out at a bar last week.  Since I’m hoping to fall in love by the end of the world, I said ok.  Let’s see how it went.

(Since taking pictures would have been totally weird.  I’ve opted to use our Hollywood look-alike’s to give you the play by play.)

1st date bing“Hey there.  You are attractive and fairly intelligent.  Can I take you out on a date?”

 

megan-hilty-picture-12“I don’t know bar patron.  Are you a serial killer or douche bag?”

bing 3“No way.  I’m totally not a douche bag.  I even have a job.”

 

hilty 4“Ok.  I guess I could go on a date.  Wait how old are you?”

bing glasses

“34.  Oh and by the way, I’m not a serial killer either.  I understand my previous answer was misleading.”

hilty 3

“Alright then.  Even though this seems like a terrible idea, the world might end so I am willing to take a risk.  Plus it may prove to be a fun blog entry.  Wait, what blog?  Who said blog?  I’m not writing a blog.  Never mind.  I guess I’ll see you next week.”

The next week…

bing phone“Hey Sarah.  It’s me.  The guy from the bar.  How about we go out this weekend.”

hilty phone“Sure, guy from bar.  Where should we go?”

bing phone“Well, I live in Long Island.  I’ll have to take the train in.  Any suggestions?”

hilty phone“Wow.  Long Island.  Ok, that sounds like a fun place.  How about we play it by ear?  I’ll see you Sunday.”

Sunday…at another bar…

bing poster“Hey Sarah!  I hope you don’t mind.  I got us a table.  So where are you from?”

hilty black and white“I’m from Maryland.  Go Ravens!”

bing tv guide“Oh cool.  My older brother is getting married in Maryland in July.”

hilty 2“Oh, cool.  How old is your brother?”

Republic“26.   He’s a pretty cool guy.”

hilty stunned

“Wait, what?  I thought you said you were 34?”

bing blue“No.  I’m 24.  The music was pretty loud, maybe you misheard me.  So anyways, I live on Long Island and am saving up to move into the city.”

hilty stunned“Wait.  Do you live with your parents?”

bing nyc“I mean, just for now.  Why, is that a problem?”

hilty stunned“No no no.  That’s totally cool.  Oh look.  I just got a text message from my Landlord…our apartment has been taken over by those really big termites from those commercials.  I gotta run.”

1st date bing“Ok, are you sure it wasn’t something I said.”

hilty gotta go“No, not at all.  I just really need to check on my apartment.  It was nice meeting you.”

bing hat“Oh, ok.  Can I call you next week?”

run away!“Umm…I think my phone just exploded.  How about I contact you?”

Day 40: Where do you keep the Jewish ornaments?

Hey there adoring fans (Jessica Wafer)!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!  If you can’t tell already, I absolutely LOVE Christmas!  I especially love Christmas in New York City.  You see, all over town (really only in 4 locations with high volume of foot traffic…of mostly annoying tourist who walk slow and take pictures of everything.  I mean, talk about annoying.  People who constantly take silly pictures in front of signs/buildings/dead turkeys/etc.  You must be a loser if you just want pictures of yourself from all of the places you visit…)

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…are Christmas Markets!  They are filled with awesome (mostly useless) gifts for your friends and family.  I recruited my (Jewish) friend Stephanie, and we checked out the loot.

Step 1: Starbucks (peppermint schnapps).

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Step 2: Go to one of the 400 places that sell silly knit caps that should not be worn if you are over the age of 7, but for some reason have made them in adult sizes as to tempt those grown ups that were probably “Goth” in higschool and Europeans.

And try them on (fingers crossed you don’t get bedbugs).

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And meet Stephanie.  My buddy from high school who is really excited to be the face of today’s blog.

 

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Step 3: Search for more booze (you know…for a gift…obviously).

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Then realize (with great disappointment) that it was only a candle.

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Step 4: Check out the Christmas ornaments that you can have personalized with anything you want.  Stephanie’s ornament would be on the hand holding gingerbread men and would say, “Merry Christmas Mom!  Sorry I couldn’t find a Jewish ornament.  This Street Fair is racist. Happy New Year!”

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Step 5: Look for more booze (Still for gifts.  I swear.)  Wait, this cider is non alcoholic?  Are you freaking kidding me?!  Why is everyone trying to ruin Christmas?!

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Step 6: Pick out some cute affordable family gifts.  These coasters were made from the wood of fallen down trees in Central Park.  Looks like there was at least one person super thankful for Hurricane Sandy.  Craft making hipsters: 1,  victims of hurricane Sandy : 0.

 

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Step 7:  Try on Alpaca hats…just cause.

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Step 8: Help your friend pick out a present for her boyfriend.  “No Steph!  Not a tie!”

Giving your boyfriend a tie for Christmas is the equivalent of “No sex in the Champagne room.”

(Advice given from me…the expert who really misses that song from the nineties…and is not at all an expert on boyfriend Christmas gift giving…but is really good at knitting sweaters for cats…I lied…I’m not good at that either…)

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Why don’t you go for this creepy hand crafted leather bound book with a sculpture of Jesus on the front.  You see Steph, Jesus is the reason we celebrate Christmas.  On December 25th a billion years ago, Jesus became president, dressed up in a red suit, and gave all of the children of Israel iPods.

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Or you could give him this other hand crafted leather bound book. Now, those white things appear to be dolphins, but the overall shape reminds me of something else.  I can’t quite figure out what it reminds me of?    Oh yeah.  A vagina.

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Step 9: For God’s sake!  How can you have a proper street fair without any booze?!  I swear it’s not for me.  I am just looking for some gifts.  Don’t you judge me.  I’ll come over there and smack that smirk right off your….oh here it is.

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Oh lovely.  This is from a vineyard in the finger lakes.  How delicious.  I know just the person on my list for this…

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Look Steph they have (hold on let me google how to spell it…) manischewitz!

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What a wonderful day at the street fair!  I found (drank) everything I was looking for.  Including some delicious food (vegetarian of course)!  Check out Mighty Balls New Yorkers.  They’re delicious!

 

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(Are you upset that I didn’t go for a “Mighty Ball” joke?  I am.)

Day 39: Party like your divorce is final!

Hey there adoring fans (Meghan Lacorte and Alicia Sable)!

So, last night I took the Flat Pam and Flat Sarah to a dinner party.  Now, it’s come to my attention that some of you (straglers that haven’t read Day 21: Every Batman needs his Robin…)may not know who Flat Pam and Flat Sarah are and where they came from.  Flat Pam comes from my childhood dancing friend (real Pam) who is now a 1st grade teacher.  Her class is working on the Flat Stanley project.  Flat Stanley is  a story about a little boy who wakes up flat one day, mails himself to his grandparents, and goes on an adventure.   Despite the story completely freaking kids out that they might one day turn flat and be shipped off somewhere (I’d totes go Hogwarts…but then I’d have to find an owl to pick me up…and probably get some robes and learn magic…and then be disappointed that Hogwarts is fictional, but then I would be all flat and stuff which isn’t real anyway so what do I care if my destination is fictional…and what’s the legal drinking age in England if you’re a wizard?…I digress), teachers have their students create their “flat selves” and then send them off to friends or relatives who live far away and these friends or relatives take the “flat child” on adventures.   So, long story short (which doesn’t really work here  because I just babbled for way to long about this story already), Pam sent me her “flat self” which I have been taking on adventures (drinking) all over the city, and I’ve made my “flat self” so that Flat Pam has a partner in crime.

Last night I decided to take the girls to a friend’s dinner party where she was celebrating her divorce.  What better place to bring 2 flat girls?!

We started off at the food table…

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Then thought “What the Hell are we doing?  Where’s the booze?”

Flat Sarah opted for a Corona to keep with the fiesta theme?

Do you know why Corona’s are served with lime?  They originally served them with limes in Mexico to keep the bugs from crawling in the bottle.  My blog is not only hilarious, it’s also informative.

(PS: I learned that “fact” from some drunk guy at a bar and have done no research to back it up.)

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Flat Pam went for the hard stuff but added a lime to stay festive.

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Then it was time for some girl talk…

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Hey look, it’s Bernie and Holly!

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“Hey Mia.  First off, I’m so sorry that you have to wear the “cone of shame” but your stitches look badass!  And second, have you seen ‘FAT Sarah’?  We can’t find her.”image

Oh, here she is.  “Whatcha got there FAT Sarah?  Are those battery operated candle flames?  Whatcha gonna do with those?”image

“Oh, FAT Sarah!  You are positively the funniest person on the planet!”image

It’s that time of the night.  The time where Sarah gets so full (drunk) that she challenges her friends to a “who’s got a bigger stomach” contest… image

FAT Sarah always wins.

Clean up time everyone.  Hey Flat girls, have you seen FAT Sarah?image

Yep.  That seems about right.

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