Day 39: Party like your divorce is final!

Hey there adoring fans (Meghan Lacorte and Alicia Sable)!

So, last night I took the Flat Pam and Flat Sarah to a dinner party.  Now, it’s come to my attention that some of you (straglers that haven’t read Day 21: Every Batman needs his Robin…)may not know who Flat Pam and Flat Sarah are and where they came from.  Flat Pam comes from my childhood dancing friend (real Pam) who is now a 1st grade teacher.  Her class is working on the Flat Stanley project.  Flat Stanley is  a story about a little boy who wakes up flat one day, mails himself to his grandparents, and goes on an adventure.   Despite the story completely freaking kids out that they might one day turn flat and be shipped off somewhere (I’d totes go Hogwarts…but then I’d have to find an owl to pick me up…and probably get some robes and learn magic…and then be disappointed that Hogwarts is fictional, but then I would be all flat and stuff which isn’t real anyway so what do I care if my destination is fictional…and what’s the legal drinking age in England if you’re a wizard?…I digress), teachers have their students create their “flat selves” and then send them off to friends or relatives who live far away and these friends or relatives take the “flat child” on adventures.   So, long story short (which doesn’t really work here  because I just babbled for way to long about this story already), Pam sent me her “flat self” which I have been taking on adventures (drinking) all over the city, and I’ve made my “flat self” so that Flat Pam has a partner in crime.

Last night I decided to take the girls to a friend’s dinner party where she was celebrating her divorce.  What better place to bring 2 flat girls?!

We started off at the food table…

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Then thought “What the Hell are we doing?  Where’s the booze?”

Flat Sarah opted for a Corona to keep with the fiesta theme?

Do you know why Corona’s are served with lime?  They originally served them with limes in Mexico to keep the bugs from crawling in the bottle.  My blog is not only hilarious, it’s also informative.

(PS: I learned that “fact” from some drunk guy at a bar and have done no research to back it up.)

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Flat Pam went for the hard stuff but added a lime to stay festive.

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Then it was time for some girl talk…

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Hey look, it’s Bernie and Holly!

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“Hey Mia.  First off, I’m so sorry that you have to wear the “cone of shame” but your stitches look badass!  And second, have you seen ‘FAT Sarah’?  We can’t find her.”image

Oh, here she is.  “Whatcha got there FAT Sarah?  Are those battery operated candle flames?  Whatcha gonna do with those?”image

“Oh, FAT Sarah!  You are positively the funniest person on the planet!”image

It’s that time of the night.  The time where Sarah gets so full (drunk) that she challenges her friends to a “who’s got a bigger stomach” contest… image

FAT Sarah always wins.

Clean up time everyone.  Hey Flat girls, have you seen FAT Sarah?image

Yep.  That seems about right.

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Day 32: Big a*s balloons…

Hey there adoring fans (Danny Kelly and Rebecca Stuard)!

Something I’ve been saying I want to do every year on the night before Thanksgiving is…

See the Balloons get blown up for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade!

Now I know this is Day 32, and Day 31 was also about the day before Thanksgiving…but I’ve been busy (you know, with stupid work so that I will have enough money to achieve my other goals…and will have something in the bank in the event that the World doesn’t explode or is taken over by Alien Zombies…or if it is taken over by Alien Zombies I can buy them off with the $24 I have in my savings account) and had to combine a few things

Now back to my story:

The Flat Girls and I hopped on the subway down to 79th and Central Park….

After finding our way through the crazy subway traffic (stupid toddlers walking all slow), we happened upon Papa Smurf!

Here’s me in front of Mr. Kool Aid dude riding a skateboard (Why is he on a skateboard?  I have no idea.  Maybe he took a trip to Brooklyn and found the skateboarding hipsters fascinating…and maybe next year he’ll show up with skinny jeans, quirky glasses, and a beard).

Here I am in front of Charlie Brown.  The funny thing that you’ll notice about getting your photo taken when you’re in the middle of a huge crowd of tourists (and there’s giant stimulation of mildly-rememberable-cartoon-character-balloons), you tend to be photographed next to other people (usually children or annoyingly adorable families) also getting their photos taken.

Here I am with the Pillsbury Dough Boy…

And here I am with my favorite…Santa Claus!

Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone…let’s hope it’s not the last!

Day 30: Every thirteen year old girl’s (wet) dream…

Hey there adoring fans (Carrie Ormond and chefs from the sushi bar last night)!

So, last night I went to see Twilight, Breaking Dawn: Part II.

“Sarah!  Why would you spend one of your last nights on Earth (or any night on Earth for that matter) going to see one of those horrible movies?  You have less than 35 days until December 21st!  You should go see Argo.  My friend saw it and said it was really good and that Ben Affleck might get nominated for best direction,” says every straight guy on the planet.  Well, Mr. Straight guy, first of all you should be more optimistic.  I mean, maybe the world won’t end and we will just have to find a new place to keep the polar bears.  And second…you will never understand why we ladies enjoy Twilight!  You see straight guys…you’ve never been a 13 year old girl (and if you have I apologize as you probably have a lot of surgeries and therapy ahead of you…).  A 13 year old girl that sits around eating cheese puffs, hoping that one day the hottest guy in the world will walk into your high school cafeteria take one look at you and finally understand what the true meaning of love is (despite being alive-ish for over 400 years and meeting tons of slutty undead chicks with bigger boobs than you).  Plus, not only is the guy hot (sparkles in the sunlight and has a body that is literally chiseled), but he’s super sensitive (plays piano and reads poetry) super smart (speaks like 37 different languages and has graduated from highschool like a million times), and is also crazy rich (one can build a mean 401k when you’re around for over 400 years… especially when one will live forever and doesn’t have to worry about health insurance deductables).  So now we have this crazy hot, sensitive, smart, rich, older man and he is into you, the plain, clumsy, artsy, vegetarian, pale girl who likes to read Wuthering Heights (never read it but it seems like a book that someone would read at a hipster coffee bar or while waiting for his/her quinoa to finish cooking…which means it must be cool).  So there you have it. Every chubby/pimply/flat chested girl’s fantasy comes to life in Twilight.  The most amazing male specimen picks the  female underdog.   Oh, and they have crazy sex and wind up with an adorable half human half vampire baby.

So…I took Flat Pam and Flat Sarah to see the final Twilight movie, but since they were only born between 5 and 20 days ago, I had to fill them in the best way I knew how…

From People Magazine…Special Edition…Breaking Dawn…

Now girls, this is who the actress they chose to play Bella, the awkward and plain new girl in town.  Her name is Kristen Stewart.  She takes ridiculously long pauses between sentences while constantly biting her lower lip, and is filled with enough teen angst to put sweatshirts with thumb holes and Tori Amos CD’s out of business.

And this is Robert Patinson.  He is the adorable british actor (who played Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter 4….swoon) that they chose to play Edward, the sexy, sparkly vampire with great hair.   No complaints.  Well, maybe some more shirtless scenes and less scenes with that two-bit floosie Kristen Stew…I mean Bella.

Then we have Jacob, the werewolf…ehh…not important.

You see Flat Pam and Flat Sarah, Robert and Kristen fell in love while filming these movies and became quite the item…

But then Kristen, being the angsty hoe-fo-sho that she is…cheated on poor little Robby with some director guy from some other terrible movie that she did…

And now he’s single…

Just kidding!  He took her back, and now they’re trying to work it out…

just don’t tell Craig…

So Flat Pam and Flat Sarah, now that you’re up to speed, let’s watch this b*tch!

Really Flat Ladies?   Have I taught you nothing?

That’s better!

Day 22: Flat Pam and baby Jesus…

Hey there adoring fans (Elise Kinnon, Ashley Peacock, and Marina Lazzaretto)!

So yesterday I took Flat Pam …

to a bar…

Just kidding!

We went to the invited dress rehearsal for the Radio City Christmas Spectacular!

Like most of you Americans, my favorite holiday is Christmas (unless you are Jewish or another religion that doesn’t celebrate the birth of baby Jesus…no worries, I hear Chanukah, Kwanzaa, and Flag Day are mad cool too)!  I love the music, the decorations, and the guilt/anxiety that comes along with buying presents for loved ones (and not so loved ones…you know, the peole you have to buy presents for that you don’t really like but it would be tacky not to buy them a present).  And one of my favorite things to do when I’m not performing in a Christmas show (thanks White Christmas…really…I didn’t want your stupid health insurance anyway…I’m sure I can get a “do it yourself” pap smear kit at Walgreens) is to go see a Christmas show, and what better show than the Christmas Spectacular?!

Plus, Flat Pam really wants to be a Rockette…

Then I told her that the height minimum was 5 feet 6 and a half inches, and since she was only 7 inches tall, she would never be a Rockette.  Flat Pam was crushed (good thing she’s already flat…get it?)

We arrived at the theatre….

Ran into some friends (what up Elise and Ashley!)…

And sat back, relaxed, and enjoyed the show!

Flat Pam wanted to play baby Jesus but I told her she had to be in the union (AGVA) to perform at Radio City.

She was sad because AGVA doesn’t accept people made out of paper and grape scented markers (racists), so I decided to cheer her up by introducing her to a real live Rockette!  “Hi Naomi!  Thanks for the tickets!”

And then….

We went to a bar…

Day 21: Every Batman needs his Robin…

Hey there adoring fans (Tommy Casabona)!

Tonight I’d like to introduce you all to a new friend that I have recruited to help me with my EOW endeavors.  Ladies, gentlemen, and hobos I’d like you to meet…

FLAT PAM!

You should note that Flat Pam is from Baltimore (hence the Ravens garb.  Go Ravens!) and that she was colored with scented markers and smells of grape and rootbeer (never has a lady had her crotch sniffed so frequently).

As you all know (or have no idea because you haven’t read any of my other blogs…shame on you jerks…but also, thanks for reading my blog!), something that I’ve always wanted to do (especially before the EOW) was to have a child send me a “Flat Stanley”.  I have no nieces or nephews of my own, and all of my friends who have babies have well…babies.  “Flat Stanley” is a school project done by 1st graders all over the country.  And I really wanted one….sooooooo,  I got one (hooray)!

On Day 16: Audience Participation, I asked any fans of the blog if they knew of anyone working on Flat Stanley’s.  My friend Pam (who I grew up dancing with and haven’t seen for 15 years) contacted me and let me know that she was now a 1st grade teacher (long way from a shot girl like myself…not that there’s anything wrong with my profession) and that her class was working on Flat Stanley’s!  Oh what joy!  She volunteered to send me her Flat Stanley to share with her class.

And yesterday I got my new friend Flat Pam in the mail!

The letter that came with Flat Pam read as follows,

Dear Sarah,

As a part of our class’s “Families Around the World” and holiday units in Social Studies, our class has read the story Flat Stanley.  This story is about a boy who wakes up flat (Jesus!  It’s like American Horror Story) and goes on many different adventures.  One of these adventures includes mailing himself to his grandma in an envelope (I’d mail myself to Ryan Reynolds’ home covered in banana boat tanning oil while holding a picture of Blake Lively looking fat)!

To go along with this story we have drawn pictures of our “flat selves” to mail a relative.  If you could please send back a nice note about where you live (Harlem), your holiday traditions (alcohol abuse), and a souvenir or two (hip flasks), our class would really appreciate it.  The children love seeing items from around and hearing about different parts of the country and world!

We will be marking a map in our classroom of where each flat child traveled.  Hopefully, this activity will open the children’s eyes to many different people (hobos) , places (cock fights), and things (mechanical bull rides) in our country and world!  Thank you for your support in making our Flat Stanleys a success!

**Please don’t forget (what are you a terd?) to return Flat Pam with your letter!!**

Love,  Pam

Flat Pam’s only been here for 2 days and she’s already helped me with so many things…

She helped me Rock the Vote last night in Rockefeller Center…

(Yep.  This is the place you saw when you were following MSNBC for the election…unless you were too busy watching a hammered Diane Sawyer on ABC.  Way to go Flat Pam!)

She’s helped me edit my blog…

Yes, I have an iBook G4 from 2005.  Jealous?

She helped me try on funny mustaches…
Again.  Jealous?

She carried her own in the first snow storm of the season…

Yes I  took this picture myself.  Not too many helpers walking around in a “freezing mix of snow and sleet”.

She helped me warm up with a second (fourth) glass of wine…

Don’t judge.

And she helped me get a good nights sleep…

Sleep tight Flat Pam.  Don’t let the bed bugs bite.  And seriously…don’t joke about bedbugs in New York Flat Pam.  That s*it’s for real.