Hey there adoring fans (Tommy Casabona)!

Tonight I’d like to introduce you all to a new friend that I have recruited to help me with my EOW endeavors.  Ladies, gentlemen, and hobos I’d like you to meet…

FLAT PAM!

You should note that Flat Pam is from Baltimore (hence the Ravens garb.  Go Ravens!) and that she was colored with scented markers and smells of grape and rootbeer (never has a lady had her crotch sniffed so frequently).

As you all know (or have no idea because you haven’t read any of my other blogs…shame on you jerks…but also, thanks for reading my blog!), something that I’ve always wanted to do (especially before the EOW) was to have a child send me a “Flat Stanley”.  I have no nieces or nephews of my own, and all of my friends who have babies have well…babies.  “Flat Stanley” is a school project done by 1st graders all over the country.  And I really wanted one….sooooooo,  I got one (hooray)!

On Day 16: Audience Participation, I asked any fans of the blog if they knew of anyone working on Flat Stanley’s.  My friend Pam (who I grew up dancing with and haven’t seen for 15 years) contacted me and let me know that she was now a 1st grade teacher (long way from a shot girl like myself…not that there’s anything wrong with my profession) and that her class was working on Flat Stanley’s!  Oh what joy!  She volunteered to send me her Flat Stanley to share with her class.

And yesterday I got my new friend Flat Pam in the mail!

The letter that came with Flat Pam read as follows,

Dear Sarah,

As a part of our class’s “Families Around the World” and holiday units in Social Studies, our class has read the story Flat Stanley.  This story is about a boy who wakes up flat (Jesus!  It’s like American Horror Story) and goes on many different adventures.  One of these adventures includes mailing himself to his grandma in an envelope (I’d mail myself to Ryan Reynolds’ home covered in banana boat tanning oil while holding a picture of Blake Lively looking fat)!

To go along with this story we have drawn pictures of our “flat selves” to mail a relative.  If you could please send back a nice note about where you live (Harlem), your holiday traditions (alcohol abuse), and a souvenir or two (hip flasks), our class would really appreciate it.  The children love seeing items from around and hearing about different parts of the country and world!

We will be marking a map in our classroom of where each flat child traveled.  Hopefully, this activity will open the children’s eyes to many different people (hobos) , places (cock fights), and things (mechanical bull rides) in our country and world!  Thank you for your support in making our Flat Stanleys a success!

**Please don’t forget (what are you a terd?) to return Flat Pam with your letter!!**

Love,  Pam

Flat Pam’s only been here for 2 days and she’s already helped me with so many things…

She helped me Rock the Vote last night in Rockefeller Center…

(Yep.  This is the place you saw when you were following MSNBC for the election…unless you were too busy watching a hammered Diane Sawyer on ABC.  Way to go Flat Pam!)

She’s helped me edit my blog…

Yes, I have an iBook G4 from 2005.  Jealous?

She helped me try on funny mustaches…
Again.  Jealous?

She carried her own in the first snow storm of the season…

Yes I  took this picture myself.  Not too many helpers walking around in a “freezing mix of snow and sleet”.

She helped me warm up with a second (fourth) glass of wine…

Don’t judge.

And she helped me get a good nights sleep…

Sleep tight Flat Pam.  Don’t let the bed bugs bite.  And seriously…don’t joke about bedbugs in New York Flat Pam.  That s*it’s for real.