Hey there adoring fans (Carrie Ormond and chefs from the sushi bar last night)!

So, last night I went to see Twilight, Breaking Dawn: Part II.

“Sarah!  Why would you spend one of your last nights on Earth (or any night on Earth for that matter) going to see one of those horrible movies?  You have less than 35 days until December 21st!  You should go see Argo.  My friend saw it and said it was really good and that Ben Affleck might get nominated for best direction,” says every straight guy on the planet.  Well, Mr. Straight guy, first of all you should be more optimistic.  I mean, maybe the world won’t end and we will just have to find a new place to keep the polar bears.  And second…you will never understand why we ladies enjoy Twilight!  You see straight guys…you’ve never been a 13 year old girl (and if you have I apologize as you probably have a lot of surgeries and therapy ahead of you…).  A 13 year old girl that sits around eating cheese puffs, hoping that one day the hottest guy in the world will walk into your high school cafeteria take one look at you and finally understand what the true meaning of love is (despite being alive-ish for over 400 years and meeting tons of slutty undead chicks with bigger boobs than you).  Plus, not only is the guy hot (sparkles in the sunlight and has a body that is literally chiseled), but he’s super sensitive (plays piano and reads poetry) super smart (speaks like 37 different languages and has graduated from highschool like a million times), and is also crazy rich (one can build a mean 401k when you’re around for over 400 years… especially when one will live forever and doesn’t have to worry about health insurance deductables).  So now we have this crazy hot, sensitive, smart, rich, older man and he is into you, the plain, clumsy, artsy, vegetarian, pale girl who likes to read Wuthering Heights (never read it but it seems like a book that someone would read at a hipster coffee bar or while waiting for his/her quinoa to finish cooking…which means it must be cool).  So there you have it. Every chubby/pimply/flat chested girl’s fantasy comes to life in Twilight.  The most amazing male specimen picks the  female underdog.   Oh, and they have crazy sex and wind up with an adorable half human half vampire baby.

So…I took Flat Pam and Flat Sarah to see the final Twilight movie, but since they were only born between 5 and 20 days ago, I had to fill them in the best way I knew how…

From People Magazine…Special Edition…Breaking Dawn…

Now girls, this is who the actress they chose to play Bella, the awkward and plain new girl in town.  Her name is Kristen Stewart.  She takes ridiculously long pauses between sentences while constantly biting her lower lip, and is filled with enough teen angst to put sweatshirts with thumb holes and Tori Amos CD’s out of business.

And this is Robert Patinson.  He is the adorable british actor (who played Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter 4….swoon) that they chose to play Edward, the sexy, sparkly vampire with great hair.   No complaints.  Well, maybe some more shirtless scenes and less scenes with that two-bit floosie Kristen Stew…I mean Bella.

Then we have Jacob, the werewolf…ehh…not important.

You see Flat Pam and Flat Sarah, Robert and Kristen fell in love while filming these movies and became quite the item…

But then Kristen, being the angsty hoe-fo-sho that she is…cheated on poor little Robby with some director guy from some other terrible movie that she did…

And now he’s single…

Just kidding!  He took her back, and now they’re trying to work it out…

just don’t tell Craig…

So Flat Pam and Flat Sarah, now that you’re up to speed, let’s watch this b*tch!

Really Flat Ladies?   Have I taught you nothing?

That’s better!