Day 70-ish : it’s beginning to look a lot like technology has it in for me…

Hey there adoring fans (drunk kid sitting on the train next to me)!

Wasn’t planning on blogging tonight but I think all technology really has it in for me…or out for me?  Whichever one means that every piece of technology I own has gotten together and formed an “I hate Sarah…we should probably all go wacko on her at once for no apparent reason and see what she does” club.  So far, my computer has the same amount of battery life as my grandmother has bladder control, my stupid effing android galaxy has mysteriously lost all of my contacts (subliminally telling me that my friends don’t like me…Well they do like me you stupid android!…they do…) and to top it all off…
My kindle fire won’t let me watch Magic Mike…which I specifically downloaded to watch on this 7 hour train ride (twice)!!! 

This is the disclaimer that pops up to tell me that the “downloaded video cannot be viewed at this time and to try again later …you stupid pirate hooker.”


As you may have noticed, I’ve been typing in bold print.  Are the last few sentences so important that they are worthy of bold print?  Nope, my wordpress app on this stupid phone just won’t go back to regular font.  Great!  Oh, there we go.   Finally.  I guess I just had to push the button with the big “B” on it.  Now, as I have what looks to be another 2.75 hours of train ride left,  I’ll entertain you with some blurry pictures (as my phone does not take pics well when there is any type of movement…fantastic).

Look, here’s Ruby whom I smuggled on the train in her dog bag that I’ve sneakily covered with my coat. Look out Columbo (who I think was a detective…of some sort)!


Okay, so that’s her leg, not a very interesting shot, huh?

Well hows about this…?


These are some sheets that my mom gave me for Christmas (I think that she believes that if I have nice sheets that some day soon I will provide a grandchild).

Still not exciting enough of a boogie (haha… my phone auto corrected blog into boogie. That’s kind of funny. Ok phone, let’s be friends again) for you? Well here’s a picture of my Women’s Health Magazine…


With an article asking whether or not you drink too much…


Great.  So now not only is technology trying to destroy me (minus the boogie incident) …the magazine industry is trying to give me low self esteem.   Well screw you Women’s Health!  I’m going to spend the last 2 and a half hours on this train not reading that article!

(I will however read the articles about how to get Flat Abs, Firm Butt and Toned Legs. )

(And probs the article about Hot New Sex Positions…you know…for my mom and her future grandchildrens sake.)

Wish me luck and Merry Christmas!

Day 40: Where do you keep the Jewish ornaments?

Hey there adoring fans (Jessica Wafer)!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!  If you can’t tell already, I absolutely LOVE Christmas!  I especially love Christmas in New York City.  You see, all over town (really only in 4 locations with high volume of foot traffic…of mostly annoying tourist who walk slow and take pictures of everything.  I mean, talk about annoying.  People who constantly take silly pictures in front of signs/buildings/dead turkeys/etc.  You must be a loser if you just want pictures of yourself from all of the places you visit…)


…are Christmas Markets!  They are filled with awesome (mostly useless) gifts for your friends and family.  I recruited my (Jewish) friend Stephanie, and we checked out the loot.

Step 1: Starbucks (peppermint schnapps).


Step 2: Go to one of the 400 places that sell silly knit caps that should not be worn if you are over the age of 7, but for some reason have made them in adult sizes as to tempt those grown ups that were probably “Goth” in higschool and Europeans.

And try them on (fingers crossed you don’t get bedbugs).



And meet Stephanie.  My buddy from high school who is really excited to be the face of today’s blog.



Step 3: Search for more booze (you know…for a gift…obviously).


Then realize (with great disappointment) that it was only a candle.


Step 4: Check out the Christmas ornaments that you can have personalized with anything you want.  Stephanie’s ornament would be on the hand holding gingerbread men and would say, “Merry Christmas Mom!  Sorry I couldn’t find a Jewish ornament.  This Street Fair is racist. Happy New Year!”


Step 5: Look for more booze (Still for gifts.  I swear.)  Wait, this cider is non alcoholic?  Are you freaking kidding me?!  Why is everyone trying to ruin Christmas?!


Step 6: Pick out some cute affordable family gifts.  These coasters were made from the wood of fallen down trees in Central Park.  Looks like there was at least one person super thankful for Hurricane Sandy.  Craft making hipsters: 1,  victims of hurricane Sandy : 0.



Step 7:  Try on Alpaca hats…just cause.


Step 8: Help your friend pick out a present for her boyfriend.  “No Steph!  Not a tie!”

Giving your boyfriend a tie for Christmas is the equivalent of “No sex in the Champagne room.”

(Advice given from me…the expert who really misses that song from the nineties…and is not at all an expert on boyfriend Christmas gift giving…but is really good at knitting sweaters for cats…I lied…I’m not good at that either…)


Why don’t you go for this creepy hand crafted leather bound book with a sculpture of Jesus on the front.  You see Steph, Jesus is the reason we celebrate Christmas.  On December 25th a billion years ago, Jesus became president, dressed up in a red suit, and gave all of the children of Israel iPods.


Or you could give him this other hand crafted leather bound book. Now, those white things appear to be dolphins, but the overall shape reminds me of something else.  I can’t quite figure out what it reminds me of?    Oh yeah.  A vagina.


Step 9: For God’s sake!  How can you have a proper street fair without any booze?!  I swear it’s not for me.  I am just looking for some gifts.  Don’t you judge me.  I’ll come over there and smack that smirk right off your….oh here it is.


Oh lovely.  This is from a vineyard in the finger lakes.  How delicious.  I know just the person on my list for this…


Look Steph they have (hold on let me google how to spell it…) manischewitz!



What a wonderful day at the street fair!  I found (drank) everything I was looking for.  Including some delicious food (vegetarian of course)!  Check out Mighty Balls New Yorkers.  They’re delicious!



(Are you upset that I didn’t go for a “Mighty Ball” joke?  I am.)

Day 22: Flat Pam and baby Jesus…

Hey there adoring fans (Elise Kinnon, Ashley Peacock, and Marina Lazzaretto)!

So yesterday I took Flat Pam …

to a bar…

Just kidding!

We went to the invited dress rehearsal for the Radio City Christmas Spectacular!

Like most of you Americans, my favorite holiday is Christmas (unless you are Jewish or another religion that doesn’t celebrate the birth of baby Jesus…no worries, I hear Chanukah, Kwanzaa, and Flag Day are mad cool too)!  I love the music, the decorations, and the guilt/anxiety that comes along with buying presents for loved ones (and not so loved ones…you know, the peole you have to buy presents for that you don’t really like but it would be tacky not to buy them a present).  And one of my favorite things to do when I’m not performing in a Christmas show (thanks White Christmas…really…I didn’t want your stupid health insurance anyway…I’m sure I can get a “do it yourself” pap smear kit at Walgreens) is to go see a Christmas show, and what better show than the Christmas Spectacular?!

Plus, Flat Pam really wants to be a Rockette…

Then I told her that the height minimum was 5 feet 6 and a half inches, and since she was only 7 inches tall, she would never be a Rockette.  Flat Pam was crushed (good thing she’s already flat…get it?)

We arrived at the theatre….

Ran into some friends (what up Elise and Ashley!)…

And sat back, relaxed, and enjoyed the show!

Flat Pam wanted to play baby Jesus but I told her she had to be in the union (AGVA) to perform at Radio City.

She was sad because AGVA doesn’t accept people made out of paper and grape scented markers (racists), so I decided to cheer her up by introducing her to a real live Rockette!  “Hi Naomi!  Thanks for the tickets!”

And then….

We went to a bar…

Day 7: Previously…on Grey’s Anatomy

Good evening adoring fans (Abby Church and family)!

As you’ve probably read from my award winning blog (my blog has not won any awards), I must catch up on Grey’s Anatomy before the EOW.  Now, I know what most of you are thinking…

“Grey’s Anatomy?  Really?  Is that show still on?  I stopped watching after like the 3rd season.  I mean, the whole Meredith drowning and seeing Denny, (Izzy’s dead fiance), and super sick alzheimer laden mother thing?  And then the Izzy and George as a hot and sexy couple that can’t get it on because George is still married, and Izzy’s not over her dead fiance thing?  Sarah, you silly girl!  Why would you waste your time on this horrible show, when there are so many better TV shows to catch up on before the world ends?  Have you not seen Downtown Abbey?”

And you are 64% right!   Only, after the 5th season, it got really awesome again.  As of right now (season 7, episode 20),  Derek and Meredith are totally together, there are sick African babies everywhere, there’s about to be a lesbian wedding, and there are only 2 more episodes ’til the Season 7 finale!   Season finales of Grey’s Anatomy are like Christmas morning!  Except instead of a new walkman you get dead heart-transplant fiances, fatal bus accidents involving adorable cast members, and Hospital mass shootings (which I’m now realizing should not be in any way similar to Christmas morning….if it is in anyway similar to your Christmas morning, please contact the crisis hotline at at 1-888-925-2615).  Anywho, here we go!

PS:  I wouldn’t say I’m a “Super Fan”…

…I am just really committed to this show.

….some people say commitment is really important in a relationship

….I need more friends.