Hey there adoring fans (Jessica Wafer)!
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! If you can’t tell already, I absolutely LOVE Christmas! I especially love Christmas in New York City. You see, all over town (really only in 4 locations with high volume of foot traffic…of mostly annoying tourist who walk slow and take pictures of everything. I mean, talk about annoying. People who constantly take silly pictures in front of signs/buildings/dead turkeys/etc. You must be a loser if you just want pictures of yourself from all of the places you visit…)
…are Christmas Markets! They are filled with awesome (mostly useless) gifts for your friends and family. I recruited my (Jewish) friend Stephanie, and we checked out the loot.
Step 1: Starbucks (peppermint schnapps).
Step 2: Go to one of the 400 places that sell silly knit caps that should not be worn if you are over the age of 7, but for some reason have made them in adult sizes as to tempt those grown ups that were probably “Goth” in higschool and Europeans.
And try them on (fingers crossed you don’t get bedbugs).
And meet Stephanie. My buddy from high school who is really excited to be the face of today’s blog.
Step 3: Search for more booze (you know…for a gift…obviously).
Then realize (with great disappointment) that it was only a candle.
Step 4: Check out the Christmas ornaments that you can have personalized with anything you want. Stephanie’s ornament would be on the hand holding gingerbread men and would say, “Merry Christmas Mom! Sorry I couldn’t find a Jewish ornament. This Street Fair is racist. Happy New Year!”
Step 5: Look for more booze (Still for gifts. I swear.) Wait, this cider is non alcoholic? Are you freaking kidding me?! Why is everyone trying to ruin Christmas?!
Step 6: Pick out some cute affordable family gifts. These coasters were made from the wood of fallen down trees in Central Park. Looks like there was at least one person super thankful for Hurricane Sandy. Craft making hipsters: 1, victims of hurricane Sandy : 0.
Step 7: Try on Alpaca hats…just cause.
Step 8: Help your friend pick out a present for her boyfriend. “No Steph! Not a tie!”
Giving your boyfriend a tie for Christmas is the equivalent of “No sex in the Champagne room.”
(Advice given from me…the expert who really misses that song from the nineties…and is not at all an expert on boyfriend Christmas gift giving…but is really good at knitting sweaters for cats…I lied…I’m not good at that either…)
Why don’t you go for this creepy hand crafted leather bound book with a sculpture of Jesus on the front. You see Steph, Jesus is the reason we celebrate Christmas. On December 25th a billion years ago, Jesus became president, dressed up in a red suit, and gave all of the children of Israel iPods.
Or you could give him this other hand crafted leather bound book. Now, those white things appear to be dolphins, but the overall shape reminds me of something else. I can’t quite figure out what it reminds me of? Oh yeah. A vagina.
Step 9: For God’s sake! How can you have a proper street fair without any booze?! I swear it’s not for me. I am just looking for some gifts. Don’t you judge me. I’ll come over there and smack that smirk right off your….oh here it is.
Oh lovely. This is from a vineyard in the finger lakes. How delicious. I know just the person on my list for this…
Look Steph they have (hold on let me google how to spell it…) manischewitz!
What a wonderful day at the street fair! I found (drank) everything I was looking for. Including some delicious food (vegetarian of course)! Check out Mighty Balls New Yorkers. They’re delicious!
(Are you upset that I didn’t go for a “Mighty Ball” joke? I am.)