Day 71: Help! The Apocalypse shrunk my pants!

Hey there adoring fans (“Sabrina” from the Verizon Tech Support team that restored my 571 contacts)!

Ah, here we are.  Safe and sound on December 26th.  The world didn’t end.  I ate cheese fries.  Christmas was wonderful.  I drank 7 bottles of wine.  And here I am just 5 days post apocalypse and I can’t seem to button my pants.  Surely it’s not my fault.  I mean, my parents have a really hot dryer.  My ass swelled on the 7 hour train ride home.  There’s absolutely no way that opting to write a blog instead of eating right, taking dance class, and hitting the gym for 6 months would have any effect on my sexy body…

oops…

scale 1

Ok.  To be fair, the scale read 129.8 before I picked up my phone (You hear that?  It’s the sound of the little x at the top of the screen being clicked on by any dude reading this post.  What’s the matter fellas?  Don’t want to read about a lady and her weight?  But I’m naked in this picture.  Does that help?  No?  Ok, tune in tomorrow where I will be talking about motorcycles and hand jobs).  The truth is, I’ve only gained 5 lbs in the last year.  The problem is that my body has turned into 129.8 lbs of cheese, salt and vinegar potato chips, coke zero and lots and lots of booze. I feel like crap and now that the world is not going to end, I guess I should start taking care of myself…you know, so I can look (and feel) really hot for the next apocalypse.

My first step was to re-watch this really awesome documentary called…

Hungry for Change

hungry-for-change

It’s by the same peeps that made Food Matters (Netflix that son!).  It talks about all the effed up s*it that is going on with our food and yadda yadda yadda we should eat a more natural plant based diet.  I did this whole 80% vegan diet for 5 months last year and felt awesome.  I had also lost the 5lbs that I had put on, felt less tired, and had awesome skin. (You hear that?  It’s the sound of anyone else that would rather suck on a lead based paint  popsicle than read about a vegan diet).   Don’t worry, I’m not going to document everything I eat and take pictures of my poop everyday.  I’m just taking one step at a time to create a better life for my self (now that I’m going to be able to hold onto it for a little while longer).

Step 1:  No more Coke Zero (gasp!)

scale coke zero

I know I say this about twice a year, but this time I really am quitting coke zero.   In my little documentary here, I’ve learned that aspartame is quite addictive (so you see, it’s not my fault that I drink 4 20oz bottles a day!).  What happens is that it kills your cute little brain cells, but right before they die they get really excited, which makes you crave that feeling over and over again so you keep drinking more and more.  And even though it is labeled as zero calories, the way your body deals with it is by turning it into sugar…or fat…or vaseline…or something (I may not have really paid attention to that part).  Anywho, this stuff is terrible for you (as we already know…and as I just chose to ignore…you know, because we were going to be attacked by zombies).

So, instead of my usual morning stop at the gas stations, I opted instead to go to the organic market and grab a fresh vegetable juice.

scale juicer

Just a few pounds of juiced beets, spinach, celery, carrots, and garlic.

scale juice

$4.79 are you trying to bankrupt me?!?!  You evil organic market you!!

Breathe Sarah…just breathe.   You usually drink like 3 Coke zeros a day which ends up being like $4.50 worth of dead little brain cells.  You’ll be fine…or you’ll save up to buy yourself a juicer.  Or meet a handsome rich man who will buy one for you.  Screw that.  You don’t need a man to get you what you need in life.  You’re an independent woman!  All my single ladies…all my single ladies…now put your hands up…

single-ladies-438-300x300

I digress.

Anywho…no more coke zero or any other processed foods for me.  I’m going 80% vegan (there’s probs going to be dairy in some unexpected food items that I hadn’t accounted for).  Plus I’m still going to eat seafood.  I’ll be what I like to call a P-gan (pescatarian-vegan).   I’m trademarking that word (if I knew what trademarking meant).  Let’s try this out for 30 days (minus my birthday) and see how it goes.

Wish me luck!

One thought on “Day 71: Help! The Apocalypse shrunk my pants!

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