Day 18: Butt Aid…When Sandy Comes btw You and Your Calvins.

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Hey there adoring fans (Aubrey Mock and Erin Whaling)!

I know a bunch of you out there are like, “Oh, cute idea for a blog Sarah.  Too bad the world is not gonna end.  If the Mayans were any good a predicting stuff then why aren’t they still here?  You know, you’d think if they were all telepathic and stuff, they would have been like, ‘Oh s*it our race is about to mysteriously disappear.  Let’s do something to not have that happen.’  But instead they just built a bunch of buildings with a crap load of stairs that my girlfriend made me go visit last summer in Mexico instead of letting me go on a booze cruise.  The Mayans don’t know squat Sarah”.

Well, theoretical dude who might say that, I really hope that you’re right, but as I mentioned in the beginning of this blog, I am 50% terrified that come December 21st, this planet may cease to exist, and things like people eating other peoples faces off and Hurricanes in New York City are not helping calm my fears.  Again, I digress.  Back to the list!

As a citizen of Planet Earth (while we’ve still got her) I did my part…

I VOLUNTEERED!

Yesterday, I volunteered to help the victims of Hurricane Sandy.  I’m still working on the people eating other people’s faces part, but so far the best I’ve done is to not, myself, eat another persons face and to discourage friends and family from doing so as well.  Some would say I’m a martyr…but that’s just silly…or is it?

The reason that volunteering was a pre-EOW must for me is because so many people on this planet have helped me in a million different ways and I wanted to make sure that (before it’s too late) I could give back and help other people that needed it.  So yesterday, I went in search of ways to help (messaged my proactive friend Jeff on Facebook), grabbed my neighbor, and headed down to a shelter on 49th street to offer a hand.

First of all, no, I did not wear this adorable volunteer outfit to be all matchy-matchy with the Command Center Sign (the command center sign merely decided to be matchy-matchy with me).  And second of all, yes, this was an obnoxious picture to take while people are living on cots because their homes blew away (which probably means I’m not a martyr after all).

Meet the cast: Jeff Metler (musical theatre buddy), Bridget Guerra (neighbor), and me!

Our first order of business as volunteers was to bring supplies (provided by super generous donors) from the sidewalk into the school/shelter.  What?  You think that sounds like a piece of cake?  You know how many packs of batteries those big ass Duane Reade bags can hold?  You know how heavy batteries are?  D batteries?!  Whatever, it was hard.

Our next assignment was cleaning patrol.

Side note: the homeless gentleman standing directly behind me in this picture invited me to “anywhere that needed tickets” because he had connections to a friend that had “tickets”.  He wouldn’t give me his name (mysterious), only that his email address was HotFeet@.com (have you ever met a man that was so connected that he didn’t even need a service provider?), and that I should put the word “tickets” in the subject line because he gets a lot of junk mail and that this way he knew it would be from me.   I would have been flattered if I had not seen him say the same thing to a cafeteria volunteer, and a mounted fire extinguisher.

Next order of volunteer work…

Mopping.

I’m going to go ahead and leave some space below open for my roommates and mother to rant about how I never clean at home and how I wouldn’t know how to use a mop if the world depended on it (I really hope the EOW does not come down to a mop off, where the best moppers get to board the mothership and the terrible moppers are left for dead.  That would really suck for me.)

Rant space for roommates/Mom n’ Dad/Anyone who’s ever met me(fill in the blank):

Sarah,

You___________________________________________messiest girl I’ve ever met___________________________when’s the last time you touched a broom?_____________ever heard of a duster?________________that’s the power of PineSol moron!

Sincerely,

Everyone that thinks you are a messy friend

Next up, we organized all of the donations into categories of: canned goods, dry foods, medicines, and leftover Halloween Candy.

We found this peculiar item along the way.

Butt Aid…for when Sandy gets between me and my Calvins.

In all seriousness, I had a great time Volunteering.  Although the hurricane barely affected me (except that Dunkin Doughnuts was closed for 2 whole days!), it felt truly great to help the people of this wonderful city who were less fortunate during this crisis.  I would like to thank Hurricane Sandy for reminding me what it means to be apart this wonderful community, and for hooking me up with my date next Saturday night with HotFeet@.com, where we will go to someplace requiring tickets, as he has a friend with connections.

If you would like to donate to help the victims of Hurricane Sandy, you cant totes go to www.redcross.org/Hurricane_Aid

PS: Duh!  We got drinks after.

Day 17: Wicked!

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Hey there adoring fans (Pamela Zanti Uhlman )!

Guess what?  Tonight I tried to win the Wicked lottery again.   And again, I didn’t win.

The End.

Just kidding!

So what did I do instead?  On this Friday date night with myself (because all of my friends are stuck in Queens with no way to come play with me)?   I did my favorite thing to do in Times Square….

I RODE THE ELEVATORS AT THE…

Now, too understand my love of the elevators at the Marquis (and why I had to ride them again before we all explode…or don’t explode and nothing happens), you must first hear about my very first trip to this city.   At the age of 11 (don’t worry, this is not a long story), my parents (after weeks of begging) allowed me to come to New York City for 10 days over the summer with my dance teacher and 2 other girls from the studio for the Dance Masters of America Convention.  It was my first time traveling anywhere without Mom and Dad and I was thrilled (I love you John and Susan Hicks)!  We hopped in a cab (which was super cool at the time…a little less cool now during Hurricane Sandy when the trains are down and your only option is to battle fellow New Yorkers to the death for a cab downtown…I digress), from Grand Central Station to Times Square and arrived at the Marriott Marquis.  Tall men in burgundy suits took our bags (bellhops, not stylish robbers as I had originally thought), escorted us to the front desk where we were given computerized room keys (which was the wave of the future in 1994) and pointed us to the elevators making sure we were aware that our room was on the 44th floor(!).  Now, to an 11 year old from Elkridge Maryland, any building that has a 44th floor is unfathomable (I mean, Towson Town Center only had 4 floors and a Rainforest Cafe).  Were my ears going to pop?  Yes.  Was my nose going to bleed?  No, nose bleeds have nothing to do with heights. Would I be high enough to shake the hand of God?  It depends on who you ask and in what context you are using the word high.  We then made our way to the elevators and discovered the most amazing thing…

The elevators were made of glass…just like Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (but not really)!

So, to get a full understanding of how cool these elevators are… here’s a picture!

Mind blowing, right?!

No?

Hold on, let me find a better picture….

ahh…here it is…

Look at how magical these elevators are!  They always put me in a “I feel like I’m a Jetson,” kind of mood.

So, after I ear-popped myself to the 48th floor, I decided I’d sit and have a cocktail at the revolving lounge.  You probably have already noticed that most (all) of my blogs involve cocktails.

And here’s a pic from of the view.  Isn’t it incredible?

No?

Hold on, my stupid flash is on the fritz,  let me take get a better pic.

Ahh…here it is.  And to imagine, no one below 24th street has power right now, and I’m being revolved at 20 megahurts per second (that is probably a lie…I have no idea how to measure the speed of revolsion…revoulution…spinning…oh, whatever) .

Next, with my new found love of whiskey, I ordered a Gentleman Jack.  Delicious!

“Oh, and waitress, you can take that other cocktail napking away.  I’m going to die alone….I mean, it’s just me for right now.”

“And get rid of that straw, I’m not a sissy!”

“That’s better.”

I had another awesome day doing 3 things that I love: riding glass elevators, having a cocktail, and enjoying New York City.

I was having such a splendid time that I asked a tourist to take a picture.

“Oh sweetie, could you turn the camera the other way?  I tend to photograph better in the vertical.”

“That’s better.”

Day 16: Audience Participation…

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Hey adoring fans (Steph Seiler and Nichole (Justice) Cwalina)!

So….

“A” of all…

I’m overwhelmed with how many responses I’ve gotten from “adoring fans”! (Plus at how many angry friends that I have who are emailing me that they have yet to be listed as adoring fans… 🙂

I’m so surprised at how many people are reading (and actually enjoying) a blog written by someone with terrible grammar and a degree in Jazz Dance.  I really do (from the bottom of my drunken/splendiforous heart) appreciate each and every one of you that have taken the time to read this silly little ditty that is “my blog”.

And…”B” of all…

I can’t believe that a lot of the feedback is from people that want to help me out with my bucket list!

I’ve gotten emails from friends, relatives, “friends of friends”, “relatives of relatives”, and circus folk, who want to help me out by:  hooking me up with super-cheap Christmas Spectacular tickets (dancing bears and rockettes alike), offering me a few days at their condo in Cape Cod  ( Abby’s fam…lobster roll time!), rides through foliage (J Dogg and wonderful mamasita), and even letting me know that they have a 6th degree of separation from Tina Fey (cousin’s uncle’s step-child!).  I am so excited that you guys are willing to help a “sista” (not entirely sure that I’m allowed to use “sista” that way) out!

Keep in mind that I absolutely do NOT want any “dinero” (that’s spanish for one million dollars) from anyone.  BUT… I would love to know if any of you amazing readers out there know how to help me get “some s*it done before the EOW!”  (I will reward you all greatly with 2-4 butterfly kisses, on or after December 22nd).

Here’s What I’m Looking (and desperate) For Friends…

1.  Does anyone have any connections to SNL and could fill me in on how to get tickets?

2.  Are there any ladies who would like to come wedding dress shopping with me on November 10th, (David’s Bridal, midtown…brunch and mimosas before hand…obviously)?

3.  Any kids (or adults) interested in sending me a Flat Stanley? (I know it sounds dumb, but I don’t have any nieces/nephews, God-kids, or “for ten cents a day you can save Magdalena’s childhood”?  up for grabs to play “Flat Stanley” before the EOW).

4.  Anybody know Tina Fey?  Or maybe some sort of secret handshake I could perform at Rock Center or Gray’s Papaya to get to her?

5.  Anybody want to come to my pre-EOW 30th Birthday Party (probs December 14th or 15th)?  Or have any connections to a great place to throw a pre-EOW 30th Birthday Party?

6.   Anyone really good at photoshop? (who could make me appear 10lbs thinner or look 100k richer in any/all of my photos?)

I think that’s all for now.  If I come up with anymore I’ll let you all know.  Wait!  Is there anyone out there who knows how to beat box…and if so, could you teach a gal in 50 or so days?  If so, you should probably know I played the clarinet for 4th and 5th grade, which would probably increase my learning curve?

And…here is a silly picture of me on a very small tractor.   It has nothing to do with this post, but I was told that media encourages people to read blogs.

Day 15: Boo! It’s sexy baby time…

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Hey there adoring fans (Allison Hammer and Danny Kelly)!

So, as I mentioned on Day 4, for Halloween this year (and maybe our last),I planned to dress up as the Coppertone Baby.  You know, this adorable little girl…

Now, some people believe that this little girl was modeled after a very young Jodi Foster, but after some research (a solid 47 seconds worth on Wikipedia), I found out that the picture was actually modeled after a little girl named Cheri, and the artist was her mother Joyce Ballantyne Brand, who later went on to become a famous pinup artist (drew pinup girls, wasn’t an actual pinup girl).   At the age of 86, Joyce gave this advice for drawing pinup girls in an interview, “But you don’t do dirty. You want the girl to look a little like your sister, or maybe your girlfriend, or just the girl next door. She’s a nice girl, she’s innocent, but maybe she got caught in an awkward situation that’s a little sexy.”   Well Joyce, I’m pretty sure that’s what they teach you on the first day of Date Rape 101.   Anywho, Jodi Foster eventually did make her film debut as the Coppertone Baby for a commercial in 1965.

Now…back to what’s really important…me!  I’ve been wanting to dress up as the Coppertone Baby for years.  I mean, I already kinda look like her with this adorable bulbous head of mine.  Plus I wanted to have a kind of creative AND sexy costume.  You know?  So that people would say , “Wow! What a super creative costume….yet really sexy at the same time!  I totally want to take that woman/baby out for a lobster dinner!”    So, on Day 4 of this blog, I put my plan into action, and 10 days later, October 31st I was ready to…

DRESS UP AS THE COPPERTONE BABY FOR HALLOWEEN!

I bought an adorable stuffed dog off of Amazon.com…

… picked out the perfect pair of blue underwear…

…realized how fat I’d gotten from spending 5 days on the couch eating non-perishables because of stupid hurricane Sandy…

… thought of a brilliant idea…

…Spanks!…

…and then went on to paint the town *red, in the sexiest, most creative Halloween costume ever!

*By painting the town red, I meant walking 2 steps out the door and then realized that I had nowhere to go because the city had just been devastated by the hurricane and there was nothing to do but walk down the block and go trick or treating and I had a strong suspicion that I would upset the children and then their parents would shout “haven’t they been through enough?!” So I stayed home and watched TV instead.

I’d like to take the rest of this post to thank my roommate, John Scacchetti, for drawing the ass-crack on my spanks with a sharpie marker.  He really knows the true meaning of friendship.

Day 14: Whiskey 1, Love 0

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Hey there adoring fans (Mark from the Oyster Bar)!

Jeez!  This Hurricane Sandy business is really putting a damper on my bucket list.  All of the trains in Manhattan are down (so I can’t go anywhere beyond a 10 block radius) Central Park is closed (Ruby will only pee on grass, so I keep having to pick up piles of leaves and stack them on top of each other to simulate a lawn of sorts), and my stock of red wine has really taken a hit.  So yesterday, after spending a solid 48 hours (minus doggy bathroom time) in the apartment.  I got my ass up and walked to the Harlem Tavern (which was surprisingly rocking) and I…

ORDERED A WHISKEY NEAT…AND LOOKED COOL DOING SO!

 

I’ve always wanted to do this, but never really had the courage to do it on my own.  Not knowing much about whiskey (besides doing shots of Jack Honey out of my coworkers belly button) I asked the bartender what he recommended that was good to sip but wouldn’t take all of my hard earned one dollar bills.  He offered me a heavy pour of 12 year Jameson.

 

 My secret plan worked!  The best way to look cool while drinking whiskey is to wear a fedora!

Now here’s where the love part comes in…

While trying very hard to resist pounding the drink in one swift gulp, I noticed I was sitting between 2 gentlemen that had arrived at the Harlem Tavern alone.  I thought “Hmm? Maybe this whiskey and fedora combo would give me some extra sex appeal?” so I decided to try my luck at flirting.   Would I go with the tall sexy tattooed guy on my left?  Or the cute guy with Harry Potter glasses on my right?  I “accidentally” bumped elbows with tattoo guy on my left, but only got a destracted head nod (don’t be jealous of my flirting skills), so I went for the guy on the right. I made some silly comment about the soccer game on TV (bingo, he’s British!) and ended up having an hour or so of great conversation (tons of penis jokes).  He fit all of my requirements in a man.  He was older than me but not too old (been there done that), taller than me but not too tall (been there done that too), and was funny but not funnier than me (because that would be physically impossible).  As I got more intoxicated from the delicious drink (I never thought I would actually enjoy sipping whiskey, I just wanted to look badass), this fellow and I shared laughs, lingering glances, and a bucket of fries.   By the time I finished my drink (plus 4-7 beers) I got up the nerve for my signature line…

“So, I’m wasted.  I gotta go home.  Do you want my phone number or something?”  (I know, what you’re thinking.  How can this suave poetic girl still possibly be single?).

As I grabbed a pen to write down my phone number, I heard the magical words I hear all too often…

“Hey, it was really nice meeting you…but…I sort of have a girlfriend.  I mean you’re awesome and all.  Oh man, this is awkward….we could be facebook friends?”

I stumbled home with my new found love for whiskey and without my dignity (and the $68 that I spent on my ‘effing bar tab), and I came to realize that falling in love before the world ends (or ever) is really unlikely.  But you know what?  A girls gotta try!

 

Cheers!

 

Day 12: Sandy…A Fire Drill for the End of the World…

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Hey there adoring fans (all of the tri-state area that’s about to get their asses handed to them)!

Hurricane Sandy is on her way!  The lines at Trader Joes, Whole Foods, and every liquor store in Manhattan are crazy!  Everyone in the city is scrambling to get ready for this massive storm that is scheduled to hit us tomorrow afternoon.  Central Park was closed at 5pm, the MTA stopped train service at 7 o’clock, and I can’t find another bottle of Cabernet to save my life.

It’s here people…

 The perfect time for us to practice our DRILLS FOR DECEMBER 21st!

Think of Hurricane Sandy as the perfect time to rehearse getting your s*it together for the EOW.

(For the remainder of this post, we shall refer to category “A” as what you should do in preparation for Hurricane Sandy, and category “B” as what you should do in preparation for the End of the World).

1.  Make sure your flashlights are filled with fresh batteries, and you have plenty of candles and matches on hand so that…

A.  You can see where you’re going in the event that the power goes out.

B.  You are ready to stun approaching Space Zombies as they are about to eat your brains.

2.  Fill your bathtub with water so that…

A.  You will have plenty of water to help flush your toilet in the event that you lose water.

B.   You can quickly submerge yourself (or a friend) in the event of fire balls falling from the sky.

3.  Shatter proof your windows with tape so that…

A.  Branches or other debris don’t shatter your windows.

B.  The devil  thinks your home has been marked as “this home is already evil, move on my fellow demons”.

4.  Make sure to have cell phones and laptop computers fully charged so that…

A.  You will have as many forms of communication as possible when power is no longer available.

B.  When your face melts off, you will be able to post a silly pic of said face melting on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or any other form of social media you prefer.

5.  Be sure to have “Wee Wee Pads” available so that…

A.  Your four legged friends can use the “powder room” indoors.

B.  You can absorb any bodily fluid leaking from the lesions left by the swarms of flesh hungry locusts.

6.  Have a battery powered clock radio on hand so that…

A.  You can listen to the updated weather forecasts and traffic reports.

B.  When the mothership announces that they are offering the human race a ride to the homeland  you can be the first to get in line.

It’s time to be prepared America.  Let’s have a safe and sound Hurricane Sandy, and an even safer and sounder Apocalypse!

PS:  A special thanks to the models…

Abby:  my awesome roommate/drinking buddy.

Matt:  my friend/professional model who is really excited about his Christopher Robin Halloween costume.

John: my other awesome roommate (and is the grown-up that made us hurricane proof our apartment…Abby and I just bought booze).

Johanna:  John’s friend that was wicked at catchphrase tonight.

Me: awesome in any way shape or form.

Jordan:  our new neighbor that recently moved into our building and is very fun (but needs to up his game on Balderdash).

Day 11: So, Four dogs walk into a bar…

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Hi adoring fans (Robin McMillan and cousin Gary)!

Sorry I’ve been a little behind on my posts.  After all, today is actually Day 12 (which will be posted shortly).  I’m learning that keeping up with a daily blog (while having to maintain a job and ward off natural disasters) is pretty tough.

So, yesterday  I gathered my favorite neighbors and their dogs, and we went to a bar…

Yep, you heard right.   Something I wanted to do before the EOW is to take my beloved dog Ruby to a bar, where I can spend time with my 2 favorite things…my dog and my beer.

            I’ve always wanted to go to this dive bar called Tap a Keg (Broadway btw 104 and 105), because every time I’ve passed it on my way to the gym (which is about once every 35 days…gotta maintain my sweet meat), I’ve seen dogs hanging out there!  Now if any of you are unfamiliar, dogs are usually never allowed in bars because it is against the stupid Board of Health (so why may I ask, are there so many cats hanging out in Deli’s?  New Yorkers, you know what I’m talking about).  Now, I do realize that to some of you taking your dog to a bar may not be an exciting way to spend a Saturday night, But to us crazy dog people (not the “constantly calling the dog psychic” kind of crazy…but the fun “let’s dress our dogs up as adorable bumble bees for Halloween” kind of crazy) a bar that allows the likes of Ruby, Lilly, Frankie, and Mia is a dream come true!

Here we are!

Rebecca (human), Me (human with makeup that I will explain), Ruby (dog), Lily (dog), Justin (human), Frankie (crazy dog), Bridgette (human).

Not pictured: Mia (big dog that doesn’t fit on a bar stool) and Danny (human, non-dog-owning, awesome friend that appreciates a good dive bar, and played photographer for us with his fancy iPhone 5….which he is slowly learning to use).

So, about the makeup:

For work (as a champion shot slinger) I was required to be a dead cowgirl for Halloween (which apparently is celebrated on Oct 27th this year…the Halloween forces must have known Hurricane Sandy was on her way).  And, the best thing about a bar that allows dogs, is that they typically  allow anything, including: drunken hobos, delivery service (both food and illegal drugs),  and having your friend Rebecca paint your face like a sexy zombie while drinking Sierra Nevada.

We had a blast!  And to finish the night off, Danny showed us his new snazzy panoramic picture app on his phone of the future.  Notice that Lilly (middle dog) has 3 heads, and Ruby (my dog) has no face….but this app (once mastered) is still pretty effing cool!

Thank you to my amazing neighbors for such a great night and a special shout out to the Rubinator…she really is (wo)man’s best friend!

Day 10: The booger of the sea…

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Hello adoring fans (this one’s for you Mary Trotter)!

So, yesterday, my goal was to see the Broadway Musical Wicked!  Which turned out to be (as the kids call it) an Epic Fail, due to the 300 Japanese foreign exchange students that showed up at the lottery drawing….which lowered our stupid odds of getting picked, which almost ruined my blog for today…whatever…I’m over it.   So… instead we went to PJ Clarke’s on the East Side (after having 3 margaritas and a shot of some fancy kind of tequila…I couldn’t tell you the name….they all taste like dirty old man armpits to me) to suck down….MY VERY FIRST RAW OYSTER!

Upon arrival at PJ Clarke’s, we met 2 very nice gentlemen at the bar, Mark and  John, who were both pro’s at eating oysters, and they graciously invited us to their table for a tutorial on how it’s done (and they paid!).  Before watching my (first ever!) video blog below, let me introduce you to our new friends…

We’ve got Mark (a divorce lawyer from Florida), John (Mark’s friend, also a divorce lawyer from Florida who is upset about the size of New York Local Oysters and supports Obama) my gal pal Becca Pace (my awesome personal trainer friend who’s tiny pea head always gives my giant chubby head low self esteem in pictures), and then there’s me (giant chubby head).

And here it is folks…

what we’ve all been waiting for…

something I’ve always wanted to try…

my first ever raw oyster!

And then I went back for seconds…

Still kind of grossed out, I’m more accustomed to trying to get loogies out of my body…not putting them in…

 Then I got the hang of it!

Sort of…

Cheers to new friends and Oysters, or as I now fondly call them…The Boogers of the Sea!

Day 9: Frolicking in Foliage

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Hi adoring fans (Shannon Hicks…no relation)!

Day 8 is brought to you by my pal, Jessica Dillan.  J Dogg,  as I like to call her, checked out Day 4 on the old blog here, and noticed that I needed to RENT A CAR AND DRIVE THROUGH FOLIAGE before the EOW.  Like a true chorus-girl-friend (not all that different from a regular girlfriend.  Just more (bad) harmonizing to Taylor Swift songs, and less wearing clothes in dressing rooms during intermission), she offered to take me along (road trip!) to drop off her boyfriend at the airport, and after which she said, “the world is our oyster”! (Not to be confused with worlds of clams, mussels, or snails…nobody wants the world as your snail). So what did we do?

WE DROVE THROGH FOLIAGE all the way up to a not-so-far-away land called “Connecticut”!
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(Sexy picture.  I know.  Whatever.  I have a Droid.)

Something you should know about me (I mean, it’s been 9 days, we should probably get to know each other a little better, I’m more than just a hot body with the features of an infant…I have a brain too ya know), I LOVE FALL (and relatively short walks on the beach)!  It’s my most favorite time of year, and I couldn’t let the earth explode without taking a day to enjoy her and all her lady parts have to offer (the Earth’s lady parts, NOT J Dogg’s).

Also, I’d like to take this time to give a shout out to the Mayans for ending the world right at the end of my fave season and not at some other dismal part of the year like July 29th or April 15th.

So here is the adventure of J Dogg and Spunky Brewster (what? That’s my street name…if I ever take to the streets…it could happen), in a
little town called East Haddam, where the leaves are ‘a changin’, the apples are ripe for the pickin’, and stoplights are ready for the Chinese Fire Drillin’!
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Here’s I am becoming one with the foliage…
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Here’s JDogg being attacked by the foliage…I suggested she should become one with it instead …
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What makes for better foliage fun then a random bunch of old used tires? I think there was a whimsical family of snakes living there…

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Look! A pumpkin patch….

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J Dogg wanted to get in some cross fit training…

PS: Don’t worry my musical theatre fans. I def stopped by La Vita Gustosa for a beverage 🙂

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And the Goodspeed Opera House to say “Are you guys hiring? I could really use one of your crazy long contracts to get some health insurance. No?…moving on”
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What a wonderful day filled with foliage and friends…
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Yes, I pluralised “friends” because this tree and I are now buddies (just don’t tell it I’m on facebook. I can totally tell it’s the type of tree to take pictures of it’s food and post them in my newsfeed).

Day 8: Sushi and little Sarah

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Tonight is the night that I have ALL YOU CAN EAT SUSHI!!

But before we begin…

Do, you remember when you were in ballet class when you were like 15, and the little 10 year old girls thought  you were super cool because you could do tripple pirouettes and you kind of had boobs?   No?  That’s not how you grew up?  Loser.  Well, that is exactly how I grew up, and tonight I’m going to write about my friend that I refer to as little Sarah.  Sidenote: I’m now realizing that some people may have misinterpreted the title of this blog (I’m not quite sure why sushi is sexual, but it’s not in this case.  It’s just delicious….not in a sexual way).

Anywho, at the age of 10, Little Sarah thought I was super cool and super grown up with my triple pirouettes,  sexy training bras, armpit hair, and (coincidentally) teen spirit deodorant.  Fast forward to 15 years later, and now it is she who is super cool and grown up with giant bazoongas, and it is I who might be the B-cupped  loser.  Little Sarah works for Fordham University, has health insurance (including Dental) and is toying with the idea of going to gradschool for Ethics!  Can you believe it?  Ethics?  And here I am, an unemployed actress (with a BA in dance, holla PPU!), spending my Saturday nights selling shots out of test tubes (red headed sluts anyone?), and using all of my free time on a bucket list of silly things like ‘all you can eat sushi’ and ‘Grey’s Anatomy marathons’.   Now I know that if/when the world ends, none of this matters, and Angels/Martians don’t care about health insurance and bazoongas in Heaven/Black Holes, BUT… if the world goes on… I hope that  the “little Sarah’s” of the world will grow and continue to be amazing grown-ups with big boobs,  hearts of gold, tolerances of sailors, and  become amazing women that we can all look up to and hope to be some day (single apocalyptic tear).

So that is why I brought little Sarah to…ALL YOU CAN EAT SUSHI!

I mean, ALL YOU CAN EAT SUSHI?!   How can you go wrong, ESPECIALLY when there is ALL YOU CAN DRINK SAKE involved!   (The world doesn’t need to hold onto all that excess sake, dead fish, and sticky-rice, anyway….I mean it all comes out in the wash…gross).

I’ve always wanted to spend an sensible Wednesday night stuffing my face with raw fish, while drinking chilled sake out of a teenie tiny cup until the button on my pants burst.   So tonight, it happened, with little Sarah.  Enjoy…

BTW, look at these links.  They are a silly flip book of me getting fatter, and/or me making music with sake jugs.

Plus….we had all you can eat Sushi and all you can Drink Sake for $26.95 at Hanami Sushi on 9th Ave!   I’m hammered!

Hmmm…am I intoxicated enough to try these weird fish slab on a rice pillow things?

Now this sushi looks good and all, but I just can’t help wondering how much cooler I would look with 2 chopsticks so I would resemble a silly walrus?

Don’t worry little Sarah! If you choke on that sake I will just follow the simple steps clearly posted on the wall behind you. Oh wait, nope, written in Japanese. Your s*it out of luck…
Check!

Another one bites the dust!

Day 7: Previously…on Grey’s Anatomy

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Good evening adoring fans (Abby Church and family)!

As you’ve probably read from my award winning blog (my blog has not won any awards), I must catch up on Grey’s Anatomy before the EOW.  Now, I know what most of you are thinking…

“Grey’s Anatomy?  Really?  Is that show still on?  I stopped watching after like the 3rd season.  I mean, the whole Meredith drowning and seeing Denny, (Izzy’s dead fiance), and super sick alzheimer laden mother thing?  And then the Izzy and George as a hot and sexy couple that can’t get it on because George is still married, and Izzy’s not over her dead fiance thing?  Sarah, you silly girl!  Why would you waste your time on this horrible show, when there are so many better TV shows to catch up on before the world ends?  Have you not seen Downtown Abbey?”

And you are 64% right!   Only, after the 5th season, it got really awesome again.  As of right now (season 7, episode 20),  Derek and Meredith are totally together, there are sick African babies everywhere, there’s about to be a lesbian wedding, and there are only 2 more episodes ’til the Season 7 finale!   Season finales of Grey’s Anatomy are like Christmas morning!  Except instead of a new walkman you get dead heart-transplant fiances, fatal bus accidents involving adorable cast members, and Hospital mass shootings (which I’m now realizing should not be in any way similar to Christmas morning….if it is in anyway similar to your Christmas morning, please contact the crisis hotline at at 1-888-925-2615).  Anywho, here we go!

PS:  I wouldn’t say I’m a “Super Fan”…

…I am just really committed to this show.

….some people say commitment is really important in a relationship

….I need more friends.

Day 6: The Debate

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Dear adoring fans (that’s you Jon Parker)!

So, I know that we’re all a little riled up about the presidential debate this evening.  Some of you are having a hard time deciding who to pick for the next President, but guess what?   You don’t have to!  After December 22nd, our new leader will be the PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD, Marvin the Martian!

(or nothing is going to happen to us and you should probably research each candidate and find out which one you feel best represents your beliefs on how the Country should be run).  But more importantly, I scratched another goal off of my bucket list today!  (Woops!  Did the title of todays blog lead you to believe that I was going to write more one the debate? :))

Today I…..

WENT TO A MUSEUM…BY MYSELF!

Like many of you fancy people, I have been to a museum.  In fact, I’ve been to several (I am very fancy).  Most of them were in grade school where chaperones herded 30 of us snot-laden kids from exhibit to exhibit while clutching our brown bag lunches and purple crystal paper weights that we spent seventeen of our parents hard earned dollars on at the gift shop.  Then as I got older and started touring with musical theatre, I would go with my castmates to whichever museums or aquariums the town we were in was known for.  But every time I found myself in a museum, young or old, I would find myself having the same anxieties….

Was everyone but me bored with this exhibit and ready to move on?

I have to pee but no one else does.  Should I just hold it?

Is the stranger next to me done reading this plaque about the *Tanzanian Wallaby and just standing here judging how slow of a reader I am?

So today, I did it!  I went to the New York City Museum of Natural History all by myself and it was… AWESOME!    I looked at each exhibit for as long as I wanted, went to the bathroom anytime I felt the need to (every twenty-seven minutes, I drink a lot of water), learned that the Amazon is in South America (not Africa), and got lost and ended up reading about the fire exits in the coat check room.   All in all… great day!

I should probably let you know that I also ran into a scary exhibit…..

THE MAYANS!…who ever thought they would be there amongst the ancient people?

Here I am with the statue that was made to mark “the end of periods in the Mayan Calendar”.   Don’t worry, I spat on the ground and danced around backwards in a circle (otherwise known as “the snow dance” that we did in elementary school to make it snow so we would miss school the next day.  I think it still applies).

I also found myself amongst some other pretty cool non-end-of-the-world-predicting exhibits.

Here I am with the ancients Armenians.  So, it’s like I’m hanging out with the ancient Kardashians!  (well, half of the Kardashians.  I think their mom is Italian or something.)

Here are  some aztec artifacts.  The plaque said they go in this order, from left to right:

1. A woman giving birth.  2. A warrior at the ready. 3. A dreamer thinking of applying to theatre school.   4. Meditation.

And finally, another goal to cross off my list…..I fell in love!

It was a great day at the Museum, but I do need to make it back for the butterfly exhibit prior to the EOW.  Somebody’s gotta set em free!  (just kidding, I’m not some sort of butterfly evangelist…is that how you use the word evangelist?  Anyway, I won’t set them free.  Don’t call the police…or PETA).

PS: *The Tanzanian Wallaby does not exist.

Day 5: Dear Underwear Drawer,

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Dear Underwear Drawer,

Today your life is about to change.   In about 6 hours you will no longer be filled with the underwear of the past.  No more garments that date back to my first year of college.  No more nude g-strings with my name sharpied on the tag from countless regional theatres all over the US and Canada.  No more pairs of underwear that I bought in a size too small for me that are left unworn because they give me the unfortunate underpants-muffin-top.  Gone are the 3 pairs that I keep around for that “special time of the month” (Sorry dudes, had to mention it.  Ladies, you feel me!).  No.  From this day forward you shall be filled with the beautiful shiny new underwear of the future.   Underwear from such extravagant retailers as H&M, aeri, and the notoriously scandalous Victorias Secret.  Yes, underwear drawer, today is the day that Sarah will reclaim what is right for her bum!

Your humble servant,

Sarah

Today is first day of the rest of your life…

Day 4: The Apocalypse takes organizing.

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Hey there adoring fans (that means you Mom)!

So, being that this is both my first blog and first apocalypse, I’ve decided to take a minute to organize some thoughts.  Sure, I’ve got all of these things I need to get done before the world ends, but how are some of them going to get done unless I start planning?   For example, this Halloween I’ve finally decided to dress up as the Coppertone Baby.  I’ve wanted to do it for about 5 years now, but every Halloween I cop out because I don’t have my s*it together.  I’d also like to get caught up on Greys Anatomy, but I’m only half way through Season 7 on Netflix.   I mean, is Meredith ever going to get pregnant or will her hostile uterus leave she and Derek barren?  This s*it is going to take some strategizing.  So today I started a list of the things I need to get done while the planet is still up and running.  Don’t worry.  I’ve also included a list of things I need to get done after December 22nd.

To do list before December 21st

To do list for after December 22nd

Just 2 things I need to ask:

1.  Does anybody know Tina Fey?

2.  Who’s around on November 10th to help me try on wedding dresses?