Hey there adoring fans (all of the tri-state area that’s about to get their asses handed to them)!
Hurricane Sandy is on her way! The lines at Trader Joes, Whole Foods, and every liquor store in Manhattan are crazy! Everyone in the city is scrambling to get ready for this massive storm that is scheduled to hit us tomorrow afternoon. Central Park was closed at 5pm, the MTA stopped train service at 7 o’clock, and I can’t find another bottle of Cabernet to save my life.
It’s here people…
The perfect time for us to practice our DRILLS FOR DECEMBER 21st!
Think of Hurricane Sandy as the perfect time to rehearse getting your s*it together for the EOW.
(For the remainder of this post, we shall refer to category “A” as what you should do in preparation for Hurricane Sandy, and category “B” as what you should do in preparation for the End of the World).
1. Make sure your flashlights are filled with fresh batteries, and you have plenty of candles and matches on hand so that…
A. You can see where you’re going in the event that the power goes out.
B. You are ready to stun approaching Space Zombies as they are about to eat your brains.
2. Fill your bathtub with water so that…
A. You will have plenty of water to help flush your toilet in the event that you lose water.
B. You can quickly submerge yourself (or a friend) in the event of fire balls falling from the sky.
3. Shatter proof your windows with tape so that…
A. Branches or other debris don’t shatter your windows.
B. The devil thinks your home has been marked as “this home is already evil, move on my fellow demons”.
4. Make sure to have cell phones and laptop computers fully charged so that…
A. You will have as many forms of communication as possible when power is no longer available.
B. When your face melts off, you will be able to post a silly pic of said face melting on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or any other form of social media you prefer.
5. Be sure to have “Wee Wee Pads” available so that…
A. Your four legged friends can use the “powder room” indoors.
B. You can absorb any bodily fluid leaking from the lesions left by the swarms of flesh hungry locusts.
6. Have a battery powered clock radio on hand so that…
A. You can listen to the updated weather forecasts and traffic reports.
B. When the mothership announces that they are offering the human race a ride to the homeland you can be the first to get in line.
It’s time to be prepared America. Let’s have a safe and sound Hurricane Sandy, and an even safer and sounder Apocalypse!
PS: A special thanks to the models…
Abby: my awesome roommate/drinking buddy.
Matt: my friend/professional model who is really excited about his Christopher Robin Halloween costume.
John: my other awesome roommate (and is the grown-up that made us hurricane proof our apartment…Abby and I just bought booze).
Johanna: John’s friend that was wicked at catchphrase tonight.
Me: awesome in any way shape or form.
Jordan: our new neighbor that recently moved into our building and is very fun (but needs to up his game on Balderdash).