Day: Wanna come hang with my passé?

Posted on January 26, 2013 by sixtysixdaysofsarah

Hey there adoring fans (Mindy Dougherty Baida)!

So, you remember that day (Day 15: Ballet (the “T” is silent) specifically…you didn’t read day 15? You’re never going to become an adoring fan with that attitude…and if you’re not an adoring fan then what are you? Just a blog reader with no recognition…that’s like a barber hangin’ out with a bunch of bald guys…is it though Sarah?…that’s the best comparison you can come up with?…how about a hemorrhoid with no preparation H?…or better yet a hemorrhoid with no butt hole?…PS: you should probably stop talking about hemorrhoids…it makes people uncomfortable…now back to the story about the good thing you did to feel good about your life) that I got all ready to take ballet class and then the train was late (I spent too much time having my roommate take pictures of me) and I didn’t make it to class? Well, this time…

I finally made it to ballet class!

My friend Aleka told me about this ballet class that she takes on Saturday afternoons. Her pitch was “It’s a bunch of 70 year old women and me.” Which (sadly) was exactly what I was looking for (because although the rest of my body is at the ripe young age of 30, my right knee is circling the drain at the age of 105, so when you average it out, a geriatric ballet class plus 2 mimosas was the perfect decision).

Before class started…

After petite allegro (small, quick jumps that remind you that you probably should have taken a poop before class started…stop talking about poop…it’s making people think about hemorrhoids)…

After class (after a pitt stop at Duane Reade where you picked up an icepack….and a six-pack).

Moral of the story: You’re old and your body hates you. Going to they gym all of the time (once a week) is not going to give you your dancer body back and ballet actually makes you happy and happiness is what we’re going for right now. So, go to class more you fat f*ck.

See you next week Aleka (notice the under-boob-sweat. You’re welcome)!

*If any of you would like to subscribe to my blog to get alerted when I write new posts so that you don’t have to rely on Facebook or that batman like shadow that I post in the sky, please do. I think there’s a ‘subscribe’ button somewhere.*

Day 22: Yo, your Malm is so fat…

Posted on January 23, 2013 by sixtysixdaysofsarah

Hey there adoring fans (Cathy Church)!

In order to better my 30 year old adult life, I have started organizing. My roommates have advised me that it is no longer kosher for me to use the living room as my office space, and that I’m probably not allowed to use the word kosher as it may or may not be racist. So, it’s time to set up my bedroom as a home office. The first step was to de-clutter my bedroom which I started on Day 18: Everyday I’m shufflin’ (what’s that? You didn’t read Day 18? Well fine, I don’t care what you did on Day 18 of turning your life around either…unless it was really good…oooohhh, did you do something really cool on Day 18? Did you meet Tina Fey? You did?! I hate you….whoever you are…which I’m pretty sure is just a manifestation of my mind…what were we talking about? Oh, right…I de-cluttered) my apartment last week, and yesterday my roomies and I took a huge hall to the salvation army…

That’s my tax write off receipt. Can’t wait for June 27th (that’s when I do my taxes…what?). Then the roomies and I rented a Zip Car and headed out to good ole’ New Jersey (aka “the armpit of America”) to go to…

As most of you (especially New Yorkers) I’m sure know, Ikea is the most amazing place on earth. You can get a bed, shower curtain, or 10 thousand tea lights for like $4.99! I had been excited about this trip all week but when the day finally came, I found myself super anxious and in a terrible mood. After ruling out PMS (which will be in another 2 weeks…mark your calendars) I realized that this almost always happens to me when going on big shopping trips with other people. I’m always fine when I go shopping by myself but for some reason group shopping always makes me want to reach for the xanax (don’t worry, I didn’t pop any pills Mom…jeesh). Instead of just rolling with the bad mood as I usually do, I took a look back into little Sarah’s life and found exactly where the anxiety stems from. As most of you know I’ve been dancing since the age of 5. By the time I hit Middle School I started traveling with the other girls from my studio to dance competitions (did you all know that this blog was written by the former “Miss. Dance of the Mid-Atlantic, 2000”? Which means I was the best girl out of a dozen girls between the ages of 15 and 17 one time. Jealous?). Every November we would go to this competition in Williamsburg VA which was located near a ton of Outlets (shopping not electrical…although there were plenty of electrical outlets too…how else could I plug in my Crimper). Mind you this was way before my “Miss. Dance” title. I was in middle school at the time and these were the days of name brand everything. If you didn’t own Guess Jeans, an oversized Tommy Hilfiger T-shirt and Starter Jacket (throw in a teal pager if you’re a badass…well, less of a badass if the only one that pages you is your mom) you were not one of the cool kids. Our family didn’t have as much money as the other girls and I knew it, but my mother (god bless her) still took me out shopping with my friends and their Moms, made me try on the $60 jeans with the other girls, and bought them even though I tried to stop her by assuring her that I would grow out of them before the year was over (as I knew we couldn’t afford it…plus back then I had dreams of being a tall buxom bombshell…which were squashed after realizing that with a mother of 5’6” and a father of 5’3” the odds were against me). I’m not telling this story for anyone to feel bad for me because we weren’t dirt poor or anything dramatic ( I did after all have a teal pager) but in reaching my goal of becoming a better person I think it’s important to recognize why we get in bad moods or anxious at times for seemingly no reason. I have the most amazing parents who never let my brother and I live without, but somehow I can’t shake the feeling of not having enough money when I’m out shopping with other people, even my dear friends. Anybody else out there feel that way? The truth is, I’m doing ok enough with my finances to spend money on things that will improve my life or even things that won’t (like when I spent $6 renting Bachelorette OnDemand…it sucked), I just have a hard time not feeling guilty about it. So you know what? I’m working on that s*it. I’m going to stop worrying about my money because “Worry is a prayer for Chaos in our lives”…which I just stole from this awesome spiritual coach…

Gabrielle Bernstein!

I know, barf if you want to, but I think she’s super cool. I’ve never actually met her, but she has a bunch of youtube videos if anyone is interested at Spirit Junkie TV. If not, just maybe watch some porn. That puts me in a good mood too…just kidding…kind of. So now that I’ve self therapized myself and gotten rid of my bad shopping juju (I hear people say “bad juju” all of the time and wanted to make sure I was using it in the right context so I looked it up on urbandictionary.com

1.	bad juju
	Haunted by a bad vibe or aura. Can be used as a noun or an adjective. Now that place had some bad juju.In answer to a question about what someone thought of a person place or thing one could answer, “bad juju”.
2.	Bad JuJu
	A Person Who Sleeps Around So Much That They Must Have Several STDs. Damn, I Must Have Saw That Girl With Four Different Guys At That Party, I Wouldn’t Mess Around With That, She’s Bad JuJu!

…I’m going to go ahead and vote that I’m using the first definition for this circumstance. Stand by for me spending the rest of my life trying to be the girl that they’re talking about in the second).

Back to Ikea! Here we are having dinner. Because you can have dinner at Ikea…’nough said.

I bought some sheets, organizational shelves, and curtains. Side note: This was Abby’s first time at IKEA! Can you believe it? What did she use to furnish her college apartment? Milk cartons, blow up furniture, and Nurtra-Grain bars???? She got a little overwhelmed when we got to the Ikea Self Serve Warehouse…

This is her classic W-O-W face.

How to make the Abby WOW face: Hold 3 fingers up next to each side of your face, and make an “O” with your mouth…what will these kids think of next?

Things were going well until we found that a piece Abby had written down from the show room was mislabeled. I don’t remember what it was…but it’s description had 2 umlauts and 3 swedish meatballs.

So she and John went to find the missing piece (awww….remember that Shel Silverstein book The Missing Piece? I loved that book. There was a poem about a little girl who told her parents that if they didn’t buy her a pony she would die…and then she died because her parents wouldn’t buy her a pony. Come to think of it, that is a terrible poem to put in a children’s book…and may have something to do with my anxieties about money and my parents*)

So while they were gone, I waited…

Finally everything was hunky dory and we made a pit stop at the bathroom before leaving…

Did youse guys know that public bathroom toilet seat covers are as good as using those fancy “oil blotting” papers when it comes to de-shining your face? I’m not a hobo, it’s totally true…I read it in Cosmo.

Alright. Now let’s load this s*it into our Zip Car. Abby, could please hurry up. It’s cold outside and we left our coats in the car…No Abby, you have to round the corners…get away from that giant inconvenient cement pillar.

Ok guys. Now where’s the car? I swear we parked it right outside of Ikea…Oh, crap…we’ve been in New York City for way too long…

After John ran around for 20 minutes clicking the panic button, we finally found the car. Then comes the part where you have to play the “Jenga for your Life” game by figuring out how to arrange an 8ft bookshelf, 5ft dresser, 47cm Muster und Drucke mit Vergangenheit, 2 sets of 144 thread count sheets, and 20 tubes of crab spread…yes, Ikea has crab spread.

You guys are doing a great job…

No seriously, you guys are doing a great job…I swear…no, I can see better from here. Keep it up!

Tadaa!

So ends our trip to IKEA. I’ve learned a lot of life lessons today, the most important one being to remember where you parked your rental car…especially when you opt to leave your coats in said car after the temperature has dropped to 8 degrees. Goodbye New Jersey! See you when we’re in prison!

*the poem is titled A Little Girl Named Abigail and the Beautiful Pony…not from the book The Missing Piece, but the other totally good book A Light in the Attic.

Day 21: Are you ready for some futbol?!

Posted on January 22, 2013 by sixtysixdaysofsarah

Hey there adoring fans (Mindy Cowan)!

This post is dedicated to all of my male readers. I realize that you probably haven’t been entertained too much by my last few posts about trying to lose weight, going to ballet class, and do-it-yourself-pap-smears, so today I’m going to write specifically with you fellas in mind as I give you…

the play-by-play of yesterday’s Football games!

The day started out as any other game day that I’m sure you gentleman viewers have gone through with the “picking out of the cute outfit.” Joining me for the games (among others) were my 2 amazeball neighbors that have recently moved to New York from San Franciso, so I was forced by association to be a 49-ers fan for game one. I myself am from Baltimore (well, right outside of Baltimore… in the suburbs… I really can’t give you much more than that as one of you I’m sure would like to find out exactly where I was born so that you could use that information to steal my identity…and not in a cute way like that movie that’s about to come out with that hilarious woman from bridesmaids and that guy from Juno…and I think maybe someone said he was in Arrested Development, which I’ve never seen…and then people get mad because apparently it is the type of show that I would love…in conclusion, I’m from outside of Baltimore, and I would really appreciate it if you didn’t steal my identity) so I am by my birthright forced to root for the Ravens (I don’t think that’s what birthright means).

Here right now is a complete breakdown of the playoffs..

As I do not own any NBA gear to support either team, I decided to do some arts and crafts to create some fabulous headgear (a hat…not a retainer attached to a nylon head piece).

No, that’s not a beer on the table(jeesh, Mom…) it’s balsamic vinegar which I used on my breakfast ‘vegan hoppin salad’ (yep, I’m still on the whole vegan thing…it’s working out really well…my skin is clearer and I’m having a lighter menstrual cycle…wait…this is the post to reel in some male viewers…substitute the word ‘vegan’ with ‘getting fingered in a cab’ and ‘menstrual cycle’ with ‘aversion to roofies’).

Step 1 to making an awesome football match outfit…

Find a trucker hat that you have lying around your apartment (that your roommates voted you get rid of…who’s a hoarder now?!)

Step 2…use some tape to attach the picture that you’ve drawn to said trucker hat…

Step 3…there is no step 3. You’re a 49-ers fan now!

I do believe that I’m the Martha Stewart of do-it-yourself-millinery (that’s a fancy word for hat making…that I just looked up…so I could sound fancy… substitute ‘fancy’ with ‘like I have Daddy issues’.

Now, I know some of you guys out there like to do this thing called “tail gating” before a game, but as we are New Yorkers and don’t have cars (or parking lots) we…

go to brunch!

Ok, you guys are not helping me get male viewers…straight male viewers…probably even gay for that matter. Yes, I know that hurricane’s are delicious…wait, they’re only 5 bucks? Oh Abby you should totally get one….yeah, get one and then take a picture with Bridget and I where we are smiling and you are making a sexy face…yeah, open your mouth just enough to be “interesting”…that’s it you fiery redhead…the dudes are gonna love this!

So after about 45 $5 hurricanes and 84 two for one bud lights the 49-ers win and are going to the Powerball! I have no idea why we were kissing our biceps? Maybe something to do with the home runs some guy scored?

Costume change! Time for game 2!

How’s it going Jess? Jess? Awww, look. You seem to be having a nice dream. Probably about some sweet girl-on-girl action on top of a motorcycle (that one’s for you fellas).

After 20 more beers, our roommate John finally showed up, and we took a really cute picture…

Then I guess the Ravens won (which I had to keep asking about because when you’ve had 114 beers and don’t know anything about football you have to ask other cute boys at the bar who won the game). Hooray, now we can have a Brooks Brothers Superbowl!

I hope you enjoyed my football play-by-play. If anyone has a 2nd cousin that works for ESPN 3, please send them my blog as I am looking for work. If they are not interested tell them that I’m ready and willing to do some girl-on-girl action on top of a motorcycle (but substitute ‘girl-on-girl’ with ‘drinking-red-wine-while-watching-American-Idol’ and substitute ‘motorcycle’ with ‘your face’).

Special shout out to friend Megan who is both a Patriots fan and a porn star (she is not a porn star).

PS: if any of you would like to subscribe to my blog to get alerted when I write new posts so that you don’t have to rely on Facebook or that batman like shadow that I post in the sky, please do. I think there’s a ‘subscribe’ button somewhere.

Day 18: Every day I’m shufflin’…or, yesterday I cleaned my room

Posted on January 18, 2013 by sixtysixdaysofsarah

Hey there adoring fans (Stephanie Hilton)!

Confession: I am the sloppiest person known to man. I’m talking, if I was left to my own devices I would probably be a hoarder. Luckily though, I live with my 2 roommates, John and Abby, who are both extremely neat and organized. I’m talking when they have an extra 15 minutes to spare they clean the bathroom or run the dishwasher…OCD right? Cause if I have an extra 15 minutes to spare I do things like watch the middle of Criminal Minds where I have no idea what’s going on because I didn’t see the dead body in the beginning and have to leave to go to work before I find out who is responsible for the dead body that I didn’t get to see. And if I’m lucky it’s a Mandy Patinkin episode and not a Joe Mantegna episode…although he is starting to grow on me. So, as I am working on creating a happier and healthier life for myself. I have decided to nip this ongoing messiness in the bud. I googled “How to be more neat and organized” and came across the same advice over and over, which was…

In order to be organized, you must first get rid of all of your clutter.

And boy do I have a lot of clutter, especially in my closet. I enlisted my fabulously neat roommates to help me out.

And to add drama, I’ve decided to use the same technique as Carrie Bradshaw and her friends did while cleaning out her apartment in the Sex and the City Movie…the first one…we’ve previously discussed how the second one shall never be mentioned again.

For the purposes of this blog, the signs “TAKE” will be used as votes for items that I will keep (in SATC the girls used “TAKE” as in “take these items with you to your new sexy penthouse that your rich boyfriend who is about to leave your ass bought you), and the signs “TOSS” will be used as a vote for items that I should get rid of…”Thanks Captain Obvious”…”Your welcome,” annoying theoretical voice. Now let’s get this party started.

First up…

Some hats.

Let’s start with this lovely hat that my friend Margot De Labarre knitted for me 7 years ago while doing the musical White Christmas in Detroit…

And the vote is…

Good, because I really like that hat.

Now what about this crap load of yarn that I got that same day in the hopes to knit (learn how to knit ) a scarf that matches the hat?

And the vote is…

Really you guys? You have such little faith in me. Ok, fine. I’ll toss it. What’s next?

Ok, how about this White Christmas hat that I bought in hopes that I would wear it every Holiday season while on tour with this show?

Side note: I have not been hired to do this show in the last 4 years…which is totally fine…I don’t need your stupid health insurance/401k anyway…I can do my own pap smears…at home…with a few Q-tips and a milk jug….

What do you say guys?

Agreed.

(yes, this is the same photo as I already used…sorry ’bout it…my roommates are annoyed enough having to take 47 pictures of me a day doing weird s*it, I’m lucky I got them for this one).

Moving on…

Sam Adams Oktoberfest hat?

And…

Pabst Blue Ribbon trucker hat?

And St. Patrick’s Day headband with antenna…

The verdict..

You guys are going to be so sad you voted this way next Oktoberfest, St. Patty’s day, and National White Trash day (yes, I made up National White Trash day…I think?)

What about this PBR cowboy hat?

Huh? Huh?

Ok. I’m getting a little tired of this negative attitude (and this picture). What if I told you I had one for each of us?

Huh?

That’s what I thought you might say (with another stock photo).

Moving on…

My Halloween costume from 2011 made entirely out of dryer sheets. What was I? The Dyer Sheet Fairy…obvi (that’s what the kids are saying instead of obviously these days…I read it on the twitter).

What do you guys think?

F U John. I spent like 17 hours making this. What? No, I haven’t worn it since 4 am November 1st 2011, but I could wear it again some day? Did you see the sock on the back?

No. Still not good enough for you? What about the shoes?

No?! You suck (and yes, I probably should have re-painted my toe nails before I took this picture). I’m getting a 3rd party’s opinion. What say you 3rd party?

Fine. Guess who’s not getting fed later? It’s you, Ruby…it’s you.

(Don’t worry, I’m still going to feed her. Please don’t call PETA).

Here’s one you’ll like John. A little Gypsy swag (John and I were in Gypsy on Broadway together. The producers gave us this G-string on Opening night. It says Patti LuPone Gypsy. Excuse me while I pick up the name I just dropped…that only musical theatre people probably know about).

And the vote is…

Thanks John! You suck Abby What’s that? Why, yes. I did draw this picture on the back of an envelope. I accidentally deleted the real life image from my camera. Pretty good resemblance, no? I may give up blogging and shot girl-ing to become a professional illustrator. Watch your back Chris Van Allsburg…the illustrator of Jumanji and other various children’s books…like the Polar Express…who may or may not be dead…the author, not the Polar Express)

Alright, how about these pants that have holes in the crotch for various reasons…

Everyday wear and tear from morning dog walks over the past 4 years..

Reaching down to pick up your keys which you dropped in the elevator after a long night of rescuing puppies (drinking)…

And last butt not least (see how I did that? …butt with 2 “t’s”…you gotta play to win with these jokes guys…gotta play to win)

From doing a jump split at a gay karaoke bar after being challenged to a dance off by a 22 year old kid.

Which I totally won.

What do you think guys? No? Come on. How about we ask former roommate and future Mrs. Ben Gonzalez…(who is lounging in her office…in Pullman Washington).

Mary Trotter!

Ok. Fine. Not quite sure why you’re laying on the couch like that. Are you trying to seduce me Mary? Well, it’s working.

Ok, I’m getting tired (drunk). How about you help me out with some more stuff Abby Church…

Purple Unitard. Go!

Love it! In the words of Buddy the Elf “Very purple-y”.

Ok John, it’s your turn. You wouldn’t let me keep my dryer sheet Halloween costume, but what about this Little Red Riding Hood costume from 2008?

That’s a keeper…

Special shout out to John’s mom, Hi Diane!

Ok, thanks team. I think we’re done for the day. Now, off to the salvation army. I think they’ll be happy to have all of those dryer sheets…they’re spring rain scented….atleast they were in 2011…

Sarah out!

Day 15: Ballet (the “T” is silent)…

Posted on January 16, 2013 by sixtysixdaysofsarah

Hey there adoring fans (Justin Aefsky)!

So in order to better my life today, I decided to …

…Take Ballet Class!

You see kids, my mother signed me up for ballet lessons at the ripe old age of 5. I hated it. My Mom wanted me do it…

A. Because her mother made her take ballet when she was a little girl.

and

B. Because her best friends were signing their daughters up.

Yep. That’s adorable little me (can you guess which one? You’re right! I’m all the way on the left). The funny thing is that my Mom didn’t even want me to do ballet. She wanted me to be a horseback rider (like she was at that age…which I kind of did until I fell off a Thoroughbred at the Race Track…when I was 7…Did I ever mention that I grew up on a Race Track? Or that Thoroughbreds like grass more than they like 7 year old girls? No. That’s a whole ‘nother story …for a ‘nother time….I like usin’ ‘nother) but after my very first recital, I was hooked!

See how adorable I was (PS: this is my current goal weight)! Anywho. I haven’t danced in 6 months (since I hurt my knee in Broadway Bares…where we strip to raise money to fight AIDS….yes, strippers fighting AIDS….just go with it) and my body has turned into a human jello mold (even though over the last month I’ve gone to the gym 5 times a week…3 times a week…1 time a week…I went once…and No, I’m not stealing that joke from Mindy Khaling from The Mindy Project….ok maybe I am…I love her….she’s my new girl crush since Tina Fey and I are fighting….Tina Fey does not know who I am…does anyone have Zooey Deschanel’s number?). Having ballet back in my life will make me feel better mentally and physically (and take up some red wine drinking time…which I don’t need because I don’t have a problem Mom…jeesh).

First thing’s first. What the Hell do grownups wear to ballet class these days?

Aha! Here’s a leotard. Oh wait, this is definitely from college. Do you hear dry rot in that elastic? Yep.

Ok, we got the leotard covered (what’s that sound? All of my male viewers once again clicking the little x at the top of the screen because they are tired of hearing about ballet class? Fair enough. The next few pictures are quite vivid…but not attractive at all. I understand if you bow out now. One day soon I will get to your favorite topics…hand jobs and motorcycles (that one’s for you neighbor)).

Time for tights…

Oh Jesus. This is not going to be a good day.

Special shout out to Abby Church for taking super awkward pictures of me looking crazy attractive. Why am I still single? Who knows.

Ok, this is not working. I’m going to be the biggest loser at the barre (when usually I’m the biggest winner at the BAR! Get it? Barre and Bar are homonyms. Words that sound the same but mean different things. Thank you Howard County Public School Systems…and bartenders).

I’ve got an idea!

Side note: Abby commented on how much she love’s my “I have an idea” photo’s…which means I’ve done this bit a few times….jeesh.

I know! I’ll put on those garbage bag looking pants (that only fellow ballet class attenders would understand. I’m not quite sure of the purpose. They either make you sweat more in the ass-al region, or just make your ass-al region look bigger which in turn makes the rest of your non ass-al region look smaller?)

See what I mean? Now where are my freakin’ ballet shoes?

Yes. Those boots are very cool. I figure they’re a mix between “Punky Brewster” and a 90 year old gardner.

Here they are!

Now that you’ve spent 45 minutes (having your picture taken…without any make-up…that you’re posting for millions (12) of people to see) getting ready. Get your ass out the door and get to class!

Sad side note: The train took 10 minutes to come (that’s what she said) and I was too late to make it to class. Inspirational blog though! No?

Let’s see if we can make it tomorrow.

PS: ‘nother shout out to my Mom and Dad who stuck by me and helped pay for my “Degree in Dance”…and for figuring out to scan pictures into their computer and then send them to my email address from 1999. Love you!

Day 14: Sarah finds a horse that bevels…

Posted on January 15, 2013 by sixtysixdaysofsarah

Hey there adoring fans (Shane Regier)!

Today’s post isn’t really about a beveling horse…

Although I did come upon this fabulous creature while walking down Central Park South on the way to my “Introduction to your new Mac” class! (For any of you non-musical theatre kids out there, a bevel is a position that one can stand in to make one’s physique look taller/thinner/sexier/gay-er. I mean, how sexy is this gay horse? The bevel is a staple of the Radio City Rockettes…

which my stubby 5’4” self will never be…whatever…I’m the perfect height for a lot of things…like being in the front line of group soccer photos…if I ever decided to play group soccer…or needing to ask a tall handsome fella to grab me some pickled beets from the top shelf of the grocery store…which leads to a conversation about the pickling industry…which turns into coffee around the corner where you find out that both of your grandmother’s went to the same elementary school…which leads to a second date…which leads to becoming the 3rd Mrs. Ryan Reynolds… I digress…).

So, in keeping with the theme of my blog which is “doing something to better myself on a daily basis”, I’ve decided to…

…call a truce with technology.

Our war has been going on long enough and it is time that I break down and wave my little white “I give up, you win computer/phone/cable box/microwave/curling iron” flag, and learn one or 2 things about how this stuff works.

Which brings me back to the Apple Store on 5th Avenue. A special thanks to the Japanese family that took this photo and didn’t run away with my cell phone…and didn’t giggle at my two thumbs up as I did not giggle at the peace signs in their photo…I’m lying…I did giggle…but only a little.

I learned a great deal from my Intro to your Mac class…like what the F3 button does, and how to make your screen brighter or duller (which I’m pretty sure most 3 year olds already knew how to do). Being so excited to learn how to do more s*it, I decided to pay (put on my credit card) the $99 for a years worth of “one-to-one” classes. The first step was to transfer the crap from my old computer onto my new computer. Here is a picture of my fantastic helper Shane and his helper in training (who’s name I feel terrible about forgetting…so we will call him Shawn…Shane and Shawn, how adorable) Shawn taking a moment to get acquainted with the oldest living computer on the planet…which is mine.

Puzzled that this was indeed a lap top and not one of the tablets on which the 10 Commandments was written, Shane went in search of some help from a Tech guy from the Genius Bar (No, they don’t serve drinks there, I already asked). After a few minutes of sitting quietly and checking my bank account (trying not to cry…then remembering that I am practicing The Secret method and that someone is going to give me a check for 1 million dollars soon) on my phone, Shane, Shawn, and Tech guy came to me with some answers.

Tech Guy: Your computer is using the 2nd operating system ever invented. It’s the same software that Lincoln used to write the Gettysburg Address (he didn’t really say that…I just wanted to use Lincoln as a reference so I could tag him in this post and maybe get some more hits…Lincoln is doing for 2013 what little people, obesity, and Ke$ha did for 2012…Yes! Now I can tag Ke$ha…)

Me: I have no idea what that means.

Tech Guy: It means that in order to transfer anything from your old computer to your new computer you would have to buy a set of disks to upgrade your operating system. Unfortunately we haven’t made any of those disks since 2 Pac “died” (nailing it with celebrity tags!)

Me: Ok. I have no idea what that means.

Tech Guy: Well, the quotations around the word “died” mean that it is rumored that 2 Pac didn’t really die, he just went into hiding.

Me: Duh. Everyone knows that. What about my computer?

Tech Guy: Right. Well, you just need to buy an external hard drive, transfer each file onto the hard drive, and then transfer the files from the hard drive onto your new computer.

Me: I have no idea what that means.

Tech Guy: I know! I know! You stupid stupid girl. That’s why your paying us $99! So us smart guys can do really simple stuff for dumb girls and take their money.

Me: So, where did you say your grandmother went to Elementary school?

So, now I have to buy (my roommate John will look online, take my credit card, and buy) an external hard drive. My goal: to take a class once a week so that I can become tech savvy and maybe figure out how to do some cool things with my blog here. Oooh, maybe I can make it 3D! But then how could I get those blue and red glasses out to all 10 of my readers (12 readers now that Shane and Shawn are on board…or they just said they would read it so I would buy more stuff. Hmmm…).

A big thanks to Shane, Shawn (I’m so sorry I forgot your real name but you were very nice), and Tech Guy (who was not mean at all. I just wanted to get better ratings. No one rates this).

How many red headed sluts and blue kamikaze shots does one shot girl have to sell to buy an external hard drive? I guess we’ll find out…

Day 12: The Vision Board…

Posted on January 12, 2013 by sixtysixdaysofsarah

Hey there adoring fans (Nancy Braun….sorry my post yesterday was dedicated to you but my phone auto-corrected your last name to Brain)!

So, as I said in my (shabbily written) post yesterday. I’ve reread The Secret, by Linda Byrne.

You see, back in 2007, I read The Secret just like every other depressed middle age housewife (I was a 24 year old tap dancer) that saw the book featured on Oprah (because if it’s featured on Oprah it must be good… and be the perfect solution to my 24 year old problems… and might turn me into a fabulous black woman…with a billion dollars). At that time, the book’s philosophy brought me all the things I wanted in my life. Within 6 months I got: A hit Broadway show, a Broadway salary (which was the most money that I believed any one person could possibly make…until I opened my bedazzled eyes to realize there’s a great big world out of there full of people making a lot more money…you know, like people that interview celebrities and have 4 golden retrievers and audience give aways…oh wait…I’m back to Oprah again aren’t I? Well, there’s tons of other people that make more money than Broadway chorus girls…without bum right knees…and health insurance…I digress….back to the list of things I got), a hot boyfriend, and a smokin’ bod. I figured that since the world didn’t end and my blog is now about making my life a little better one day at a time, I would give the old Secret another shot.

Sarah’s basic understanding of The Secret Technique (please don’t sue me if my reading comprehension isn’t what it used to be…in the 4th grade….when public schools tested you on reading comprehension):

1. The Law of Attraction: Act as if you already have whatever it is that you want and you will receive whatever it is that you want.

2. Visualization: Visualize everything that you want to happen and it will happen to you.

3. The Power of Positive Thinking: If you think about positive things then positive things will happen to you. If you think about negative things then negative things will then happen to you.

In order to go along with any of these ideas you definitely have to drink the Kool-Aid (side note: I had to explain to a fellow shot girl what the expression “drink the Kool-Aid” meant last night…you know, stuff you have to embrace when you’re the oldest living shot girl in Manhattan and all of your co-workers are too young to know of such cult suicides). So, I’ve been testing out these 3 tactics for a few days now, and it’s kinda cool the s*it that can happen (either by my powerful positive brain…or mere coincidence). I swear I made a D train come on the 59th street platform (by visualizing it) yesterday when I was running late to work. And by using The Law of Attraction, I’ve been pretending that I have plenty of money (which we all know that I’m as rich as a common hobo) I got 2 really easy quick paying job opportunities (…no Mom…I’m not a stripper…jeesh).

So to keep up with my Secret-ness I have decided to create a vision board (barf all you want…I’m going to be rich and famous and hot)

Step 1

Buy a cork board preferably in a girly shape, ’cause you’re a girl dammit!

(Unless you’re a boy reading this post that is…then get a cork board in the shape of a giant penis)

Step 2

Cut out inspiring sayings from your girly magazines (or gentlemanly magazines…whatever you hoodlums read is fine).

Step 3

Download and cut out pictures of people, places, or things that inspire you,

like this pic of Carrie Bradshaw here. Making enough money to afford that $4,000 outfit by typing on her computer a few times a week…hmmmm….

Step 4

Find some pictures of you when you were really happy with the way you felt and looked. Here’s me at the beach with Ruby…when I was 400lbs (10lbs) fewer…and had probably already drank 47 miller lites….those were the days.

PS: I also cut out this picture of Carrie Bradshaw’s bedroom (when she reclaimed her life after Mr. Big…douche) because that’s what I’m going to model my bedroom after.

(side note: I printed that picture for my hot boyfriend that I mentioned earlier. I casually showed it to him (along with a bunch of other decoy pictures of course) hoping that he would ask if he could keep it, frame it, and put it up in his bedroom to admire everyday how hot and awesome I was…he did not…so now I just have this picture of me in a bikini while holding my dog and beveling hanging out in my apartment. Time to put it to good use!)

Look how much fun vision board making can be!

Now that you have your finished vision board…

Yes. That’s a picture of Ryan Reynolds in the corner. Don’t judge me. You ladies know what I’m talking about (and based on my readers…probably quite a few of you men do too).

You can move onto Step 5

Pick a spot on the wall to hang your vision board. Somewhere you will see it every single day (just be sure to test it out first…so you don’t have to put 2 holes in your drywall because it was hanging too close to your closet…whoops).

Now you’re all set! Just make sure to look at it every day and really believe, drink the Kool-Aid! (No, not literally drink Kool-Aid Megan. Were you paying attention to anything I just said? No, I’m not mad, just disappointed. Why yes, you have sold a lot of red headed sluts tonight. Good job! Now run along) that those things are coming your way. All you have to do is be positive…and maybe get your fat ass to the gym.

Let’s see what happens if I look at this everyday for 66 days. Hopefully I will make out with Ryan Reynolds…not turn into him (yes, I know he’s married Mom…jeesh!)

Day 5: O is for Oh my god I have to get my s*it together….

Posted on January 8, 2013 by sixtysixdaysofsarah

Hey there adoring fans (Jessica Pack)!

Have you ever had one of those days where you realize that your life is not going in the direction you want? Well maybe it’s going in the direction that you wanted for the last 20 years but all of a sudden it doesn’t seem quite as fulfilling as it did before? And then you realize that in order to change the path your going down, you should probably have a panic attack and decide you need to change everything about yourself all at once and then drink a bottle of wine and start googling things like:

“How to make a living out of the things that you love to do.”

“How to take a break from Musical Theatre (that you’ve spent your entire adult life focussing on) and not feel bad about it.”

“How to start living less like a teenage slob and more like a 30 year old woman”

“How to come to terms with the fact that you are probably going to die alone…well not completely alone if you’re surrounded by 27 ferrets…(but then realize that you’re a strong independent woman and you don’t need anyone to make your life complete… until you start watching movies like The Notebook and Sweet Home Alabama…and then you google ‘Top 27 cute ferret names'”

“How to write a screenplay.”

“How to get some damned health insurance (and maybe some dental while your at it because that back left molar feels weird and looks a little grey.)”

“How to lose 10lbs”

“How to NOT drink 2 bottles of wine every night (except Saturdays, cause that’s when you drink a dozen Corona’s and Jack Daniel’s shots…at work…which is probably not helping you lose 10lbs you fat moron).”

“How to save enough money so that you can afford this new shiny computer that you financed, be a bridesmaid in your best friend’s wedding (who is getting married in Illinois this summer and the dress alone costs $211), and I don’t know, save for retirement because ferret food is expensive.”

All of these thoughts came rushing at me like an angry mob carrying pitchforks and those big sticks where the ends of them are lit on fire …torches!…that’s the word I’m looking for, torches!… on January 4th, the day after I turned 30. Over the last few days, I’ve calmed myself down (xanax) and come to terms with the fact that although I have a ton of new aspirations, my life is pretty good right now, and I’ll be ok if I don’t get everything done in one day. It’s time for some baby steps. I read in an Anthony Robbins book once, Awaken the Giant Within, (whatever, I read self-help books sometimes, well, I start self-help books and get about half way through before I get bored and start drinking wine sometimes) that…if you do something to better your life every single day, your life is gonna, duh, get better*! I also came across this quote in a women’s magazine (I don’t remember which one, “Self”, “Women’s Health”, “Eat Right and Workout you idiot so you can stop buying all of these magazines because they all say the same thing just in different colored fonts”, that said “it takes 66 days to form a habit**” which I think is really poignant given the name of my beloved blog here.

So that’s what the new Sixty-six days of Sarah is about. Each day I will try to do something to better my life and hopefully 66 days will go by and I will acquire myself a nice little habit and an even nicer little life…smiley face!

*that Tony Robbins quote isn’t really a quote because I didn’t feel like looking it up, but I’m pretty sure he said that….minus the “duh”.

**says Professor Jane Wardle, of University College London, who carried out the study with Dr Phillippa Lally.

Day 71: Help! The Apocalypse shrunk my pants!

Posted on December 26, 2012 by sixtysixdaysofsarah

Hey there adoring fans (“Sabrina” from the Verizon Tech Support team that restored my 571 contacts)!

Ah, here we are. Safe and sound on December 26th. The world didn’t end. I ate cheese fries. Christmas was wonderful. I drank 7 bottles of wine. And here I am just 5 days post apocalypse and I can’t seem to button my pants. Surely it’s not my fault. I mean, my parents have a really hot dryer. My ass swelled on the 7 hour train ride home. There’s absolutely no way that opting to write a blog instead of eating right, taking dance class, and hitting the gym for 6 months would have any effect on my sexy body…

oops…

Ok. To be fair, the scale read 129.8 before I picked up my phone (You hear that? It’s the sound of the little x at the top of the screen being clicked on by any dude reading this post. What’s the matter fellas? Don’t want to read about a lady and her weight? But I’m naked in this picture. Does that help? No? Ok, tune in tomorrow where I will be talking about motorcycles and hand jobs). The truth is, I’ve only gained 5 lbs in the last year. The problem is that my body has turned into 129.8 lbs of cheese, salt and vinegar potato chips, coke zero and lots and lots of booze. I feel like crap and now that the world is not going to end, I guess I should start taking care of myself…you know, so I can look (and feel) really hot for the next apocalypse.

My first step was to re-watch this really awesome documentary called…

Hungry for Change

It’s by the same peeps that made Food Matters (Netflix that son!). It talks about all the effed up s*it that is going on with our food and yadda yadda yadda we should eat a more natural plant based diet. I did this whole 80% vegan diet for 5 months last year and felt awesome. I had also lost the 5lbs that I had put on, felt less tired, and had awesome skin. (You hear that? It’s the sound of anyone else that would rather suck on a lead based paint popsicle than read about a vegan diet). Don’t worry, I’m not going to document everything I eat and take pictures of my poop everyday. I’m just taking one step at a time to create a better life for my self (now that I’m going to be able to hold onto it for a little while longer).

Step 1: No more Coke Zero (gasp!)

I know I say this about twice a year, but this time I really am quitting coke zero. In my little documentary here, I’ve learned that aspartame is quite addictive (so you see, it’s not my fault that I drink 4 20oz bottles a day!). What happens is that it kills your cute little brain cells, but right before they die they get really excited, which makes you crave that feeling over and over again so you keep drinking more and more. And even though it is labeled as zero calories, the way your body deals with it is by turning it into sugar…or fat…or vaseline…or something (I may not have really paid attention to that part). Anywho, this stuff is terrible for you (as we already know…and as I just chose to ignore…you know, because we were going to be attacked by zombies).

So, instead of my usual morning stop at the gas stations, I opted instead to go to the organic market and grab a fresh vegetable juice.

Just a few pounds of juiced beets, spinach, celery, carrots, and garlic.

$4.79 are you trying to bankrupt me?!?! You evil organic market you!!

Breathe Sarah…just breathe. You usually drink like 3 Coke zeros a day which ends up being like $4.50 worth of dead little brain cells. You’ll be fine…or you’ll save up to buy yourself a juicer. Or meet a handsome rich man who will buy one for you. Screw that. You don’t need a man to get you what you need in life. You’re an independent woman! All my single ladies…all my single ladies…now put your hands up…

I digress.

Anywho…no more coke zero or any other processed foods for me. I’m going 80% vegan (there’s probs going to be dairy in some unexpected food items that I hadn’t accounted for). Plus I’m still going to eat seafood. I’ll be what I like to call a P-gan (pescatarian-vegan). I’m trademarking that word (if I knew what trademarking meant). Let’s try this out for 30 days (minus my birthday) and see how it goes.

Wish me luck!

Day 70-ish : it’s beginning to look a lot like technology has it in for me…

Posted on December 26, 2012 by sixtysixdaysofsarah

Hey there adoring fans (drunk kid sitting on the train next to me)!

Wasn’t planning on blogging tonight but I think all technology really has it in for me…or out for me? Whichever one means that every piece of technology I own has gotten together and formed an “I hate Sarah…we should probably all go wacko on her at once for no apparent reason and see what she does” club. So far, my computer has the same amount of battery life as my grandmother has bladder control, my stupid effing android galaxy has mysteriously lost all of my contacts (subliminally telling me that my friends don’t like me…Well they do like me you stupid android!…they do…) and to top it all off…
My kindle fire won’t let me watch Magic Mike…which I specifically downloaded to watch on this 7 hour train ride (twice)!!!

This is the disclaimer that pops up to tell me that the “downloaded video cannot be viewed at this time and to try again later …you stupid pirate hooker.”

As you may have noticed, I’ve been typing in bold print. Are the last few sentences so important that they are worthy of bold print? Nope, my wordpress app on this stupid phone just won’t go back to regular font. Great! Oh, there we go. Finally. I guess I just had to push the button with the big “B” on it. Now, as I have what looks to be another 2.75 hours of train ride left, I’ll entertain you with some blurry pictures (as my phone does not take pics well when there is any type of movement…fantastic).

Look, here’s Ruby whom I smuggled on the train in her dog bag that I’ve sneakily covered with my coat. Look out Columbo (who I think was a detective…of some sort)!

Okay, so that’s her leg, not a very interesting shot, huh?

Well hows about this…?

These are some sheets that my mom gave me for Christmas (I think that she believes that if I have nice sheets that some day soon I will provide a grandchild).

Still not exciting enough of a boogie (haha… my phone auto corrected blog into boogie. That’s kind of funny. Ok phone, let’s be friends again) for you? Well here’s a picture of my Women’s Health Magazine…

With an article asking whether or not you drink too much…

Great. So now not only is technology trying to destroy me (minus the boogie incident) …the magazine industry is trying to give me low self esteem. Well screw you Women’s Health! I’m going to spend the last 2 and a half hours on this train not reading that article!

(I will however read the articles about how to get Flat Abs, Firm Butt and Toned Legs. )

(And probs the article about Hot New Sex Positions…you know…for my mom and her future grandchildrens sake.)

Wish me luck and Merry Christmas!

Day 68: Bull’s eye…

Posted on December 23, 2012 by sixtysixdaysofsarah

Hey there adoring fans (Tommy Harron)!

So, I’ve been spending lots of time with my folks these last couple of (end of) days. I don’t have much to report on. I’m crazy happy that we still have our beautiful planet, but I’m overwhelmed for what I should write about it. In the meantime I will be providing videos that I think are mildly entertaining…

Our first is a video of our sitz probe (which means the first time that you get to rehearse with the entire orchestra…not just the pianist…sounds like penis…giggle) at the North Shore Musical Theatre’s production of “GYPSY.” One of my many (chorus) roles in this production was the “Front End of Cow” in Dainty June’s Big Number (I’m not quite sure why I italicized that, but it is her big production number (if there was an app that threw glitter on the screeen for any time someone says “production number” than I would use it! Oh wait, they should totes make an app for that…don’t tell anyone about my idea…seriously…wait, what were we talking about? I’m totes going to cut down on my wine consumption after my 30th birthday…I digress…)).

So basically, everyone was in sweats and we were just getting to know the orchestra (lovely) …until I got bored…and put on a pink string bikini (to be funny..sitz probes get really boring when you’re only in 2 scenes…one of which you are in a giant cow costume..there are not enough crossword puzzles in the world to help with these 8 hours of boredom…plus, you’re wearing a giant cow head! it’s just funny)…to break my co-worker (Amanda…who I love!)…and my director (Dick Sabellico…who I love love love) and for me to make an ass out of myself…

So this video started with Dainty June onstage and had no idea that she was going to encounter a “different” kinda cow…

http://youtu.be/q9LLmeeI7-4

Day 66: The Last Supper…

Posted on December 22, 2012 by sixtysixdaysofsarah

Hey there adoring fans (My Mary Trotter)!

What would you eat for your last meal? You know, say if some ancient people predicted that the world was going to end on December 21st 2012 and it was well, December 21st 2012? Hmm? Chocolate cake? Lobster? Vodka? For me, it’s a trip down under! Wait, no…that sounds oddly sexual…by down under I mean Australia…not genitalia…get your mind out of the gutter…who me?…my mind isn’t in the gutter…it’s you, you weirdo…

Ooops, all of this genitalia talk made me lose my train of thought. This is the wrong picture. My mom made us stop at the Tractor Supply Store for Chicken Feed before dinner (the amount of camouflage sold here is disturbing, more so because they start with toddler sizes…in pink….Plus side, they do have every single flavor of beef jerkey ever invented…who knew Honey Nutmeg would go well with dried and salted beef?)

My favorite meal (which I have on my Birthday every year…which hopefully I’ll get to do again on January 3rd…if there is a January 3rd…the day’s not over yet) is at…

Here it is folks! My single favorite meal of all time!

We start off with some Wallaby Darned’s (basically a frozen peach daquiri that is like 700 calories but is crazy delicious).

Thank you waitress Stacy who keeps calling me ma’am and didn’t ask to see my ID…it’s fine Sarah…you’re just getting older…breathe…breathe…breathe.

Then we order a sensible side salad with ranch dressing (is it still cool to overuse the word sensible? I’m gonna roll with it anyway)…

Don’t forget the bread and butter…a delicious staple at the OBS.

Then comes the bestest most delicious 2 food items on the Earth…

1. Cheese Fries

2. Bloomin’ Onion!

hallelujah! hallelujah-hallelujah-halleee-lujah!

(that’s the sound of 3 million fat angels wetting their pants over the deliciousness that is these 2 glorious appetizers)

Mmmmm….if we have to be passed onto the after life, or imprisoned by eight legged zombies, (or absolutely nothing happens before midnight tonight) it will be all good knowing that I’ve finished this world as we know it with this glorious meal.

(I cropped out my forehead wrinkle in this shot… something to worry about on December 22nd…botox)

Plus, my fab Mom (who has lost over 50 lbs and is now signing up to run a 10k…woot woot!) received a gift card from her employer yesterday…it’s a sign!

Love you Mammasita!

Now time to head home to wait out the rest of the sensible day.

So… what did you have for your sensible last supper?

Day 65 Part II: It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday…

Posted on December 21, 2012 by sixtysixdaysofsarah

Hey there adoring fans (I mean it, anyone who’s read any part of this out there)!

So here it is, 12:30’ish am December 21st 2012. I’m still s*itting my pants about the space zombies but I’m going to go ahead and say right now that this blog is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. Whether or not the world ends, I’ve taken the time to get back to being myself (a disgusting weirdo)…being creative…and taking risks. I cannot thank all of you readers enough for supporting me along this production. The love and support (and amazing comments…if the world doesn’t end, take note that you can leave comments…) that I’ve received from you guys has been incredible. I have accomplished so many things in these last 66 days that I never would have made a point to do. I’ve also missed a few…

I never met Tina Fey…

I never saw a live taping of SNL…

And…

I never fell in love…

wait for it….

In all of my pursuits to fall in love… man hunting, online dating, hookery (j/k) , I have yet to find that “special someone” (although I have “made out” with several non-special someones…just to be sure). But guess what? I didn’t need to find a man to fall in love with (gasp!). I (as my friend Rebecca predicted) have fallen in love with…myself. I really don’t mean for that to sound vain. Seriously. I didn’t know I had it in me. All of my life, I hadn’t realized that I could become anything except a cute blonde chorus girl (who makes occasional fart jokes) wishing and hoping that one day a gorgeous prince would come along to complete me. Well, news flash to me…you don’t need anyone to complete you…if you are complete yourself (I know, go choke down a bag of granola why dontcha?! Maybe hug a unicorn?!). I’ve grown so much in my 29.95 years of life and it is 100% thanks to all of the terrific friends and family that I have surrounded myself with (PS: my mom’s computer doesn’t have that spell check thing where there is a squiggly red line under anything you spell wrong so this blog post could be pretty bad…plus I’ve drank a bottle(s) of wind…whatevs, it’s the end of the world!). I could go into further detail about these people these “life changers”, but A: they know who they are. And B: I’m going to spend our last hours calling them 🙂

Here’s a fun shot of me and my (amazing) Dad…just cause I love him.

In conclusion: I am so happy to have lived the life that I’ve been blessed with and to have met the most amazing people that the world has to offer. Thank you all for reading my silly little blog, and I wish you all a “Happy Apocalypse!”

Day 44: Lights….camera…IMPROV!

Posted on December 7, 2012 by sixtysixdaysofsarah

Hey there adoring fans (that’s you Allison)!

So, here’s the thing. About a year ago. I decided I wanted to try something new. It was right around New Years and my 29th birthday was approaching (I’ve got the big 3-0 coming up…you know, if the world doesn’t explode. Feel free to message me for the mailing address to send my gifts. The top contenders are a new computer and glow in the dark slinky). You see, I was pretty successful with Musical Theatre but I was getting a little tired of tap dancing in the background. My favorite times on stage were not necessarily the moments when I was grinning while charleston-ing, but the times when I’d make a cast member break on stage by mooning her with a face drawn on my butt.

Yep. That happened.

I knew with a skill set of hilarity and butt-art I could do more than just be the 3rd girl from the right in a musical. I needed a change but had no idea what that change was. Then a very wise woman, Broadway’s Jennifer Smith (pictured above in the pink dress and scowl) suggested that I take an improv class. “Hmmm. I’ve always wanted to try one of those classes,” is what I said. A few days later, while walking my dog in the park, I ran into a gal who I’d seen a dozen times and we started to chat about life. I asked her if she had ever done any improv and she said “Funny you ask…I’m an impovisor myself.” She then went on to tell me that her favorite improv teacher of all time was starting a level 1 class at the end of the month. It was fate (plus I didn’t have to do any actual research that day and could sit on my couch and re-watch the finale of Lost which I re-hated). I signed up that very day and it changed my life forever.

Ok, here’s comes some sappy stuff (if you don’t want to read it….don’t….just keep looking at the picture of my butt)…

The gal that suggested the class is Rebecca who has become one of my best friends (and has been featured several times in my blog, most notably the day we took our dogs to a bar). She has definitely made me look at my life and discover the gifts that I have to offer (besides drawing faces on my butt). If it wasn’t for her, I would never have met Holly who is indeed the best improv teacher in the world! If I hadn’t met Holly I would still be the girl at auditions telling fart jokes (I mean, I still do that, but I feel that with my new training there are many more layers involved when it comes to a well crafted fart joke), and not have reached my potential both as an actor and as a stripper (just kidding…although one may be considered a stripper after posting a picture of their butt on the internet…there does seem to be someone waving a dollar bill at me). Improv has inspired me to step out of dancing in the background and to step into being leader in the foreground. It also lit a fire under my ass to start writing again, which lead me to this blog which is now read by tens of twenties of people (including my mom and dad…sorry about the butt picutre) from all over the United States (and Tanzania…still don’t know how I got 2 readers there?)

So here it is folks a (tad blurry…that’s what happens with bright lights and blonde hair) video of one of my monologues from last night. If you don’t think it’s funny then whatever…you totally had to be there… performances don’t translate well on camera…shut up it was my first monologue ever…I don’t care what you think.

PS: Big shout out to Holly Mandel (best improv teacher in the world) and Rebecca Stuard (BFF who is also a kick ass improv teacher, friend, and dog walking companion) and everyone at Improvolution….www.improvolution.org

Day 43: Monologues vs. Man hunting…

Posted on December 5, 2012 by sixtysixdaysofsarah

Hey there adoring fans (Fred Macri and Jason Di Tullio)!

So, as I have a crazy busy work week ahead of me (’tis the season for test tube shots), I have to get some End of the World items checked off in the the most efficient way possible so that I can blog and still make money to blow on December 20th…

Front runners of what I’m going to blow all of my money on on December 20th:

1. A miniature horse. I’d name him Leon.

2. One of those ice cream sundaes topped with gold leaf shavings.

2. A stretch limo to tour my home town so that I can pop out of the sunroof and wave at people like I’ve made it to the “Final 3” on American Idol.

3. Pay Tina Fey to eat a sandwich with me.

The world is your oyster when you’re talking about throwing away your entire life savings($87)! I mean the world could explode…or not.

Now back to getting sh*t done (as I am sitting in a cafe down the street from my apartment because our stupid modem is down…and all the electric outlets are being used by nerdy college students…and my sad iBook G4 goes from 99% battery to 0% in a matter of 16 minutes…so I probably shouldn’t have spent 5 of those minutes thinking of witty ways to blow my life savings…and then digressing more…as I tend to do). Anywho, as a chorus girl in the Musical Theatre industry for past 10 years, I’ve performed in front of thousands of people. Even some famous ones like Harry Potter (D-rad), John Travolta, and Meryl Streep. Wait, one of the hipsters sitting by the outlets just left…hold on…YES! Weve got power! Now I can digress forever! So, what was I saying. Oh yes, I was bragging about Meryl Streep…

I’m the second closest to her on the left.

(shout out to my Gypsy peeps!)

See! And here’s Johnny T (pre-male-masseuse scandal) he really was the nicest man ever! I think he was filming that weird movie where he steals a train.

I’m the one with the mutton chops.

Sorry, no pic of Harry Potter…he’s always in his invisibility cloak…get it?

In every performance I’ve done, I’ve always been the member of an ensemble of 10-15 people. I have played some small roles before but they usually only consist of 1 or 2 lines which tend to be like “Hey Peggy Sawyer, which way to the clam bake?” but I’ve never performed solo. Well, this Thursday that’s all about to change! You see, I’ve been studying Improv for about a year now (best decision I ever made! Besides switching from diet coke to coke zero…life changing). On Thursday (as in tomorrow) I will be performing 2 character monologues which I wrote myself. They’re about 3 1/2 minutes a piece, and they’re freaking the spit out of me. Since I haven’t had much time to bucket list, last night I combined studying my monologues with man hunting.

It didn’t work out very well. See, when you stare at a beer glass and talk to it for an hour as if you’re a 57 year old Italian woman (Character #1) the fellas don’t seem to come a runnin’. Weird right? Who knew?

But it’s all good, because tomorrow night I’m going to do a great job! …I’m going to do a good job!…I’m going to do a mediocre job!…I’m going to NOT crap my pants on stage!…I’m going to TRY not to crap my pants on stage! I’m going to clean up after I crap my pants on stage…I’m not cleaning it up.

Wish me luck!

Ps: If anyone living in NYC is interested in taking an Improv class check out http://www.improvolution.org

They’re seriously life changers.

PPS: I’m leaning towards Leon…

sixty six days of sarah

Tag Archives: sixtysixdaysofsarah

Day: Wanna come hang with my passé?

Day 22: Yo, your Malm is so fat…

Gabrielle Bernstein!

Day 21: Are you ready for some futbol?!

Day 18: Every day I’m shufflin’…or, yesterday I cleaned my room

Day 15: Ballet (the “T” is silent)…

Day 14: Sarah finds a horse that bevels…

Day 12: The Vision Board…

Day 5: O is for Oh my god I have to get my s*it together….

Day 71: Help! The Apocalypse shrunk my pants!

Day 70-ish : it’s beginning to look a lot like technology has it in for me…

Day 68: Bull’s eye…

Day 66: The Last Supper…

Day 65 Part II: It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday…

Day 44: Lights….camera…IMPROV!

Day 43: Monologues vs. Man hunting…

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Gabrielle Bernstein!

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