Day 15: Ballet (the “T” is silent)…

Hey there adoring fans (Justin Aefsky)!

So in order to better my life today, I decided to …

…Take Ballet Class!

You see kids, my mother signed me up for ballet lessons at the ripe old age of 5.  I hated it.  My Mom wanted me do it…

A. Because her mother made her take ballet when she was a little girl.


B.  Because her best friends were signing their daughters up.

powder puff

Yep.  That’s adorable little me (can you guess which one?  You’re right!  I’m all the way on the left).  The funny thing is that my Mom didn’t even want me to do ballet.  She wanted me to be a horseback rider (like she was at that age…which I kind of did until I fell off a Thoroughbred at the Race Track…when I was 7…Did I ever mention that I grew up on a Race Track?  Or that Thoroughbreds like grass more than they like 7 year old girls?   No.  That’s a whole ‘nother story …for a ‘nother  time….I like usin’ ‘nother) but after my very first recital, I was hooked!

ballet 2See how adorable I was (PS: this is my current goal weight)!  Anywho.  I haven’t danced in 6 months (since I hurt my knee in Broadway Bares…where we strip to raise money to fight AIDS….yes, strippers fighting AIDS….just go with it) and my body has turned into a human jello mold (even though over the last month I’ve gone to the gym 5 times a week…3 times a week…1 time a week…I went once…and No, I’m not stealing that joke from Mindy Khaling from The Mindy Project….ok maybe I am…I love her….she’s my new girl crush since Tina Fey and I are fighting….Tina Fey does not know who I am…does anyone have Zooey Deschanel’s number?).  Having ballet back in my life will make me feel better mentally and physically (and take up some red wine drinking time…which I don’t need because I don’t have a problem Mom…jeesh).

First thing’s first.  What the Hell do grownups wear to ballet class these days?

leotard 2

Aha!  Here’s a leotard.  Oh wait, this is definitely from college.  Do you hear dry rot in that elastic?  Yep.

leotard 1

Ok, we got the leotard covered (what’s that sound?  All of my male viewers once again clicking the little x at the top of the screen because they are tired of hearing about ballet class?  Fair enough.  The next few pictures are quite vivid…but not attractive at all.  I understand if you bow out now.  One day soon I will get to your favorite topics…hand jobs and motorcycles (that one’s for you neighbor)).

Time for tights…

leotard 3

Oh Jesus.  This is not going to be a good day.

leotard 4

Special shout out to Abby Church for taking super awkward pictures of me looking crazy attractive.  Why am I still single?  Who knows.

Ok, this is not working.  I’m going to be the biggest loser at the barre (when usually I’m the biggest winner at the BAR!  Get it?  Barre and Bar are homonyms.  Words that sound the same but mean different things.  Thank you Howard County Public School Systems…and bartenders).

leotard 7

I’ve got an idea!

leotard 8

Side note: Abby commented on how much she love’s my “I have an idea” photo’s…which means I’ve done this bit a few times….jeesh.

I know!  I’ll put on those garbage bag looking pants (that only fellow ballet class attenders would understand.  I’m not quite sure of the purpose.  They either make you sweat more in the ass-al region, or just make your ass-al region look bigger which in turn makes the rest of your non ass-al region look smaller?)

leotard 9

See what I mean?  Now where are my freakin’ ballet shoes?

leotard 10

Yes.  Those boots are very cool.  I figure they’re a mix between “Punky Brewster” and a 90 year old gardner.

Here they are!

leotard 11

Now that you’ve spent 45 minutes (having your picture taken…without any make-up…that you’re posting for millions (12) of people to see) getting ready.   Get your ass out the door and get  to class!

leotard 12Sad side note: The train took 10 minutes to come (that’s what she said) and I was too late to make it to class.  Inspirational blog though! No?

Let’s see if we can make it tomorrow.

PS: ‘nother shout out to my Mom and Dad who stuck by me and helped pay for my “Degree in Dance”…and for figuring out to scan pictures into their computer and then send them to my email address from 1999.  Love you!