Day 221: Life on the Upper Yeast Side

Hey there adoring fans (Kevin Still )!

Last night I was invited to a fancy event on the East Side.  It was a performance of a series of One Acts (for you uncultured non-theatre hobo’s, One Acts are plays that consist of only One Act….duh….now go read a book!  Ok, I’m sorry for calling you an uncultured hobo…I wikipedia’d what One Acts were just to make sure I was right….I’m just as uncultured and hobo like as you….again, my apologies).  The show was great, and in fact, made me want to try writing a One Act, but my real take home for the evening was how much the East Side of New York City makes me feel like a poverty-stricken-unambitious-teenage-slob.  People that go to the theatre on the Upper East Side (with free open bar passes….oh the life!) look like this…


I on the other hand, pulled out a Betsy Johnson dress that I bought in 2008, the year I had a lot of money from dancing in a Broadway show.  In my (messier than a 14 year old suburban boy with head lice) bedroom that morning, the name brand dress seemed like a great idea for the fancy occasion.  I didn’t register that although it was a name brand item, it was still 5 years old and was meant for a 22 year old to wear to her younger sister’s 19th birthday party after spending a few hours scrubbing out the jello-shot vomit stains.  Walking down Lexington Avenue yesterday, with successful, beautifully dressed, age appropriate career women as far as the eye could see, made me super self conscious.  Oddly enough, my clothing choice made me become increasingly aware of the immature way I’ve been living my life.  Sure, I have fun, but I bet these women don’t stay out drinking til 2am (4am….who am I kidding), wake up at noon, skip the gym because a marathon of What Not to Wear is on, eat a slice of pizza for lunch and dinner because that’s all they can afford at the moment, fall asleep without washing their face, brushing their teeth, and taking off their waitressing clothes…and shoes, and then repeating the same routine 4 to 5 times a week.  I know these women are not perfect at all (they probably cut themselves every morning after their studly boyfriends continue to mention how their secretary’s boobs came out looking better than the “real thing”), and I know that I am not an awful excuse for a human being, and that name brand clothing does not define a person’s success, BUT I really need to step up my effing game!

As, some of you may remember, I’ve been kinda into reading (the first half of) self help and self realization books (until I get bored and open a bottle of wine and lose the book in one of the couch cushions or drop it in the toilet…true story) and I’ve learned from both The Happiness Project, and The Secret (and by not reading but watching a youtube interview with the author of the book Turning Pro) that to be successful we should act the way we want to feel and live the way we want our successful lives to be, even if we aren’t hugely successful yet.  So basically, even though my only source of income right now is from waiting tables, it doesn’t mean that I need to live like a waitress.  I need to act as if I work for a hugely successful, world renowned Improv and Personal Development company, have 3 New York Times Bestsellers, and get nightly foot massages by my loyal and affectionate personal assistant.   How would someone like this act?  Well, I’ll tell you how I’m going to try!  With some new rituals….on a list.  Because I love lists!

How to Act like Successful Sarah

1.  Go to bed and wake up at reasonable hours.  Preferably bed by 1am and up by 8:30am (unless closing the restaurant).

2.  Schedule 2 hours each day to write.

3.   Gym 3-5 days each week.

(And real gym, not doing 20 crunches between commercials while drinking a beer.  Or wine.  Or the leftover peppermint schnapps from last year’s Christmas party because it’s raining outside and I don’t feel like walking to the booze emporium.)

4.  Cut drinking down to 2 nights per week.

5.   No more day drinking.  It always sounds like a fun idea until you knock over the cereal display at Trader Joe’s.

6.  Address the issue that you might have a drinking problem.

7.  Keep bedroom/home office neat and orderly.  (Disclaimer: Living in New York City means that you have bedroom/home offices.  Also common among New Yorkers:  bathtub/washing machines,  and seedy-neighborhood-gang-bangers/doormen).

8.  Get rid of all clothes that someone would wear while drinking a Malibu Pinneapple.

9.  Eat more like a fiscally successful person, and less like a hobo.

10.  Google words like “fiscally” before writing as if you know what you are talking about.

It’s going to be really hard for me to stick to these rituals (especially since I’ve already had several cocktails  4  out of 4 nights so far this week) but I’m going to give it a try.  I’m 30 for Pete’s sake.  It’s time to grow up a little bit.

PS: Here’s the only picture I could find of the Betsy Johnson dress I was talking about.  It’s from 5 years ago when I was touring with 42nd Street.  I’m with my current roommate Abby  and our fabulous tap dancing friend Adam.  I know what your thinking.  My eyes look really nice in this picture.  You’re welcome.


Day 50something: Don’t Cry for me ArgenTINA!!

Hey there adoring fans (Caitlin Maura)!

If we go back eons (or just 3 months ago) you’ll notice that I have a little thing (in an admiring way…not a gay way…not that I would throw her out of bed because she would probably just lay there saying hilarious things all night…and bring along a sandwich) for the one and only

Tina Fey…

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In fact, one of my goals before the End of the World (this blog originally began as a bucket list of things I wanted to do before D-day/December 21st…I also tried my first raw oyster…impressed?)  was to meet her.  I even went so far as to send her an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner in the shape of a

hand turkey…



And when that didn’t work I spent an entire Sunday afternoon  at the restaurant where a friend had told me she saw her having brunch one time…


She never showed.

(Side note: You’ll notice I wore a very calculated outfit in the hopes that we would be wearing the same sweater so I could say “Hey!  Same sweater!  Did you plan this..wink wink?  Let’s be friends.  I wear glasses for distance.”)

And thanks to a treaty made with the Space Zombies, the world did not end ( everyone knows it was the Space Zombies that were after us…not the Mayans…duh) and I now had an infinite amount of time to meet Tina Fey, find her on Facebook, and wear those little heart necklaces where her’s says “Best” and mine says “Friends 4 Eva”.  With no deadline in sight, I could finally relax.  I turned 30, reevaluated my life and started making new goals for myself.  I re-read The Secret and   created a vision board of all of the things I wanted for my future, and as you can see…

Tina was still there, right at the top!

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(and oddly enough, the Family Guy episode featuring Ryan Reynolds came on that night…his picture is on the right had cork-board-flower petal because he is going to be my pool boy…when I get really rich and buy a pool…for my rooftop…of my very own Manhattan Skyscraper…that only has 4 floors because I’m kinda afraid of heights…)

 I added in some more Improv classes to my schedule, continued to work on my screenplay, and started saving my pennies so that soon I could take and acting for TV and Film course.  All of which are things I believe Tina would be proud of.  I kept trucking along and one day, as luck would have it, I got the call.  My friend Sarah’s husband Andrew was a personal trainer in the city and just happened to be the personal-trainer-of-James-Lipton’s-wife’s-boss (say that 5 times fast).  She had been offered tickets for a very special Inside the Actors Studio, but was going to be out of town and asked Andrew if he had any friends that might be interested. And lucky for me Andrew is a big fan of my blog,


on Tuesday March 26th, I was invited to a filming of Inside the Actors Studio with guest artist…my hero…Tina Fey!

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And like any good student (stalker) I took some notes that I would like to share with you.

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 Here are my favorite quotes from the evening:

“Only in mid 90’s comedy does an obedient white girl from the suburbs count as diversity.”  -when asked to interview for a writing position at SNL, as Lorne was looking for diversity.

“Do you want me, or do you want (me to do) Will Ferrell’s me?” – James Lipton when asked to perform as himself in a film.

“Fuck it.  They can’t fire me.  I don’t work here anymore.”when approached by SNL to do Sarah Palin.

“Writing is tedious, painful, and boring until it’s done.  Then it’s Thrilling.” – when asked about her process.

“These sketches were not just funny, they were history.” – James Lipton on Tina’s Sarah Palin sketches.

“He’s a hilarious character actor in a leading man’s skull.” – when asked about working with Alec Baldwin.

“They have to talk fast and not paraphrase.” – on auditioning actors for 30 Rock.

“Shhhh…don’t speak. – what her father said to her after a stranger had stabbed her in the face.

“Shitballs.” – when asked what her favorite curse word was.

“Your job is to be a director.  Your job is not to teach people that women can be directors” – when asked about women working in a man’s world.

“Talent is not sexually transmitted.  You don’t have to have sex with someone talented to get talent.” when giving advice to the female acting majors.

“You’re roommates with Oprah!” – when asked what she hoped God would say to her when he met her at the Pearly Gates.

Don’t eat Lean Cuisines.” – more advice about working with men.

“The nice thing about improv is you learn how to fail.  Five times out of ten it’s going to be terrible.  Failing in front of an audience.  You know it’s not going to kill you.” – on the benefits of Improv.

Clearly defined characters from the beginning.  Give everyone a clear point of view.  4 white girls living in an apartment.  Not so clear.” – on the success of writing for 30 Rock.

“Laughter” – when asked what was her turn on.

“Cowardice” – when asked what was her turn off.

“If I was just an actress none of this would have happened.” – the reason that I get a lady boner for her.

And just a few other fun facts

Did you know…?

  • In High School Tina wrote an anonymous comedy column for her school newspaper.
  • She met Amy Poehler in an Improv Company called Improv Olympic.
  • Darrell Hammond was actually the first SNL player to try James Lipton, but when it bombed Will Ferrell asked if he could have a stab at it.
  • Lorne Michael’s doorman was the first to offer that Tina Fey looked an awful lot like Sarah Palin.

Although I did not get to actually meet Tina (yet), I had a wonderful time listening to her speak.  She is everything I hoped she would be.  She likes the word shitballs and has done a damn good job for us women in the industry.  Oh yeah, and my vision board worked mutha fu*k@’s!

Shout out to my amazing friends Sarah Marie Jenkins Briedis and Andrew Briedis!  You are my heroes!

tina day

(And that giant line of people are all of the students that waited outside for 6 hours in order to see the filming.  Which makes me glad that I am 30 and thanks to Andrew and Sarah, a VIP!)

*If any of you would like to subscribe to my blog to get alerted when I write new posts so that you don’t have to rely on Facebook or that batman like shadow that I post in the sky, please do.  I think there’s a ‘subscribe’ button somewhere.*


Day 12: The Vision Board…

Hey there adoring fans (Nancy Braun….sorry my post yesterday was dedicated to you but my phone auto-corrected your last name to Brain)!

So, as I said in my (shabbily written) post yesterday.  I’ve reread The Secret, by Linda Byrne.


You see, back in 2007, I read The Secret just like every other depressed middle age housewife (I was a 24 year old tap dancer) that saw the book featured on Oprah (because if it’s featured on Oprah it must be good… and be the perfect solution to my 24 year old problems… and might turn me into a fabulous black woman…with a billion dollars).  At that time, the book’s philosophy brought me all the things I wanted in my life.  Within 6 months I got: A hit Broadway show, a Broadway salary (which was the most money that I believed any one person could possibly make…until I opened my bedazzled eyes to realize there’s a great big world out of there full of people making a lot more money…you know, like people that interview celebrities and have 4 golden retrievers and audience give aways…oh wait…I’m back to Oprah again aren’t I?  Well, there’s tons of other people that make more money than Broadway chorus girls…without bum right knees…and health insurance…I digress….back to the list of things I got), a hot boyfriend, and a smokin’  bod.  I figured that since the world didn’t end and my blog is now about making my life a little better one day at a time, I would give the old Secret another shot.

Sarah’s basic understanding of The Secret Technique (please don’t sue me if my reading comprehension isn’t what it used to be…in the 4th grade….when public schools tested you on reading comprehension):

1.  The Law of Attraction: Act as if you already have whatever it is that you want and you will receive whatever it is that you want.

2.  Visualization: Visualize everything that you want to happen and it will happen to you.

3.  The Power of Positive Thinking: If you think about positive things then positive things will happen to you. If you think about negative things then negative things will then happen to you.

In order to go along with any of these ideas you definitely have to drink the Kool-Aid (side note: I had to explain to a fellow shot girl what the expression “drink the Kool-Aid” meant last night…you know, stuff you have to embrace when you’re the oldest living shot girl in Manhattan and all of your co-workers are too young to know of such cult suicides).  So, I’ve been testing out these 3 tactics for a few days now, and it’s kinda cool the s*it that can happen (either by my powerful positive brain…or mere coincidence).  I swear I made a D train come on the 59th street platform (by visualizing it) yesterday when I was running late to work.  And by using The Law of Attraction, I’ve been pretending that I have plenty of money (which we all know that I’m as rich as a common hobo) I got 2 really easy quick paying job opportunities (…no Mom…I’m not a stripper…jeesh).

So to keep up with my Secret-ness I have decided to create a vision board (barf all you want…I’m going to be rich and famous and hot)

Step 1

Buy a cork board preferably in a girly shape, ’cause you’re a girl dammit!

(Unless you’re a boy reading this post that is…then get a cork board in the shape of a giant penis)

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Step 2

Cut out inspiring sayings from your girly magazines (or gentlemanly magazines…whatever you hoodlums read is fine).

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Step 3

Download and cut out pictures of people, places, or things that inspire you,

like this pic of Carrie Bradshaw here.  Making enough money to afford that $4,000 outfit by typing on her computer a few times a week…hmmmm….

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Step 4

Find some pictures of you when you were really happy with the way you felt and looked.  Here’s me at the beach with Ruby…when I was 400lbs (10lbs) fewer…and had probably already drank 47 miller lites….those were the days.

PS: I also cut out this picture of Carrie Bradshaw’s bedroom (when she reclaimed her life after Mr. Big…douche) because that’s what I’m going to model my bedroom after.

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(side note: I printed that picture for my hot boyfriend that I mentioned earlier. I casually showed it to him (along with a bunch of other decoy pictures of course) hoping that he would ask if he could keep it, frame it, and put it up in his bedroom to admire everyday how hot and awesome I was…he did not…so now I just have this picture of me in a bikini while holding my dog and beveling hanging out in my apartment.  Time to put it to good use!)

Look how much fun vision board making can be!

vision 1

Now that you have your finished vision board…

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Yes.  That’s a picture of Ryan Reynolds in the corner.  Don’t judge me.  You ladies know what I’m talking about (and based on my readers…probably quite a few of you men do too).

You can move onto Step 5

Pick a spot on the wall to hang your vision board.  Somewhere you will see it every single day (just be sure to test it out first…so you don’t have to put 2 holes in your drywall because it was hanging too close to your closet…whoops).

vision 2

Now you’re all set!  Just make sure to look at it every day and really believe, drink the Kool-Aid!  (No, not literally drink Kool-Aid Megan.  Were you paying attention to anything I just said?  No, I’m not mad, just disappointed.  Why yes, you have sold a lot of red headed sluts tonight.  Good job!  Now run along) that those things are coming your way.  All you have to do is be positive…and maybe get your fat ass to the gym.

vision 10

Let’s see what happens if I look at this everyday for 66 days. Hopefully I will make out with Ryan Reynolds…not turn into him (yes, I know he’s married Mom…jeesh!)