Day 221: Life on the Upper Yeast Side

Hey there adoring fans (Kevin Still )!

Last night I was invited to a fancy event on the East Side.  It was a performance of a series of One Acts (for you uncultured non-theatre hobo’s, One Acts are plays that consist of only One Act….duh….now go read a book!  Ok, I’m sorry for calling you an uncultured hobo…I wikipedia’d what One Acts were just to make sure I was right….I’m just as uncultured and hobo like as you….again, my apologies).  The show was great, and in fact, made me want to try writing a One Act, but my real take home for the evening was how much the East Side of New York City makes me feel like a poverty-stricken-unambitious-teenage-slob.  People that go to the theatre on the Upper East Side (with free open bar passes….oh the life!) look like this…

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I on the other hand, pulled out a Betsy Johnson dress that I bought in 2008, the year I had a lot of money from dancing in a Broadway show.  In my (messier than a 14 year old suburban boy with head lice) bedroom that morning, the name brand dress seemed like a great idea for the fancy occasion.  I didn’t register that although it was a name brand item, it was still 5 years old and was meant for a 22 year old to wear to her younger sister’s 19th birthday party after spending a few hours scrubbing out the jello-shot vomit stains.  Walking down Lexington Avenue yesterday, with successful, beautifully dressed, age appropriate career women as far as the eye could see, made me super self conscious.  Oddly enough, my clothing choice made me become increasingly aware of the immature way I’ve been living my life.  Sure, I have fun, but I bet these women don’t stay out drinking til 2am (4am….who am I kidding), wake up at noon, skip the gym because a marathon of What Not to Wear is on, eat a slice of pizza for lunch and dinner because that’s all they can afford at the moment, fall asleep without washing their face, brushing their teeth, and taking off their waitressing clothes…and shoes, and then repeating the same routine 4 to 5 times a week.  I know these women are not perfect at all (they probably cut themselves every morning after their studly boyfriends continue to mention how their secretary’s boobs came out looking better than the “real thing”), and I know that I am not an awful excuse for a human being, and that name brand clothing does not define a person’s success, BUT I really need to step up my effing game!

As, some of you may remember, I’ve been kinda into reading (the first half of) self help and self realization books (until I get bored and open a bottle of wine and lose the book in one of the couch cushions or drop it in the toilet…true story) and I’ve learned from both The Happiness Project, and The Secret (and by not reading but watching a youtube interview with the author of the book Turning Pro) that to be successful we should act the way we want to feel and live the way we want our successful lives to be, even if we aren’t hugely successful yet.  So basically, even though my only source of income right now is from waiting tables, it doesn’t mean that I need to live like a waitress.  I need to act as if I work for a hugely successful, world renowned Improv and Personal Development company, have 3 New York Times Bestsellers, and get nightly foot massages by my loyal and affectionate personal assistant.   How would someone like this act?  Well, I’ll tell you how I’m going to try!  With some new rituals….on a list.  Because I love lists!

How to Act like Successful Sarah

1.  Go to bed and wake up at reasonable hours.  Preferably bed by 1am and up by 8:30am (unless closing the restaurant).

2.  Schedule 2 hours each day to write.

3.   Gym 3-5 days each week.

(And real gym, not doing 20 crunches between commercials while drinking a beer.  Or wine.  Or the leftover peppermint schnapps from last year’s Christmas party because it’s raining outside and I don’t feel like walking to the booze emporium.)

4.  Cut drinking down to 2 nights per week.

5.   No more day drinking.  It always sounds like a fun idea until you knock over the cereal display at Trader Joe’s.

6.  Address the issue that you might have a drinking problem.

7.  Keep bedroom/home office neat and orderly.  (Disclaimer: Living in New York City means that you have bedroom/home offices.  Also common among New Yorkers:  bathtub/washing machines,  and seedy-neighborhood-gang-bangers/doormen).

8.  Get rid of all clothes that someone would wear while drinking a Malibu Pinneapple.

9.  Eat more like a fiscally successful person, and less like a hobo.

10.  Google words like “fiscally” before writing as if you know what you are talking about.

It’s going to be really hard for me to stick to these rituals (especially since I’ve already had several cocktails  4  out of 4 nights so far this week) but I’m going to give it a try.  I’m 30 for Pete’s sake.  It’s time to grow up a little bit.

PS: Here’s the only picture I could find of the Betsy Johnson dress I was talking about.  It’s from 5 years ago when I was touring with 42nd Street.  I’m with my current roommate Abby  and our fabulous tap dancing friend Adam.  I know what your thinking.  My eyes look really nice in this picture.  You’re welcome.

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