Day 275: How I fixed my vibrator….

Hey there adoring fans (Tina Michelle Smith)!

I did it!  I fixed my vibrator!  It took a little time, research, and elbow grease, but now it’s up and raring to go!  What was wrong with it?  It was on the wrong frequency, duh.  Now I can receive pleasure all the time!  At night, in the morning, in the elevator, walking my dog…What’s that?  Oh, you thought I was talking about a sexual pleasure stick.  Gross!   I’m talking about my thoughts, hopes, and dreams because…

This week on sixtysixdaysofsarah

Sarah manifests!

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Yep, I said manifest!   Does that creep you out?  A little too hippy dippy?  I can just hear my Dad harumphing  now.  “First Obamacare and now my own daughter believing in devil mind control!  It’s all that Hannah Montana’s fault!”  But for all of you non-believers out there, think of a time when you ran into someone you haven’t seen in a while at the supermarket and uttered, “Oh my god, Steve, I was just thinking about you!  What a coincidence!”  Thinking about Steve made him appear!  This is the power of manifestation.

I should probably mention the first rule of manifestation now…

Manifestation Rule #1:

You have to drink the Kool-Aid.

So manifesting is basically using your thoughts to attract what you want.  The best way to do this is to ask the universe for what you want, and then simply believe that it’s on it’s way.  It sounds like craziness, I know.  But if you believe it works, it will work.  It’s not a whole “seeing is believing” thing, it’s a “believe and you will see” sort of thing.  You definitely need to believe in the universe (or some higher power like God) too.  So if you’re not ready to drink the Kool-Aid, then you’re not ready to manifest…which is totes fine.  My next post will probably include a few fart jokes, so check back in next week if you’re interested.

  “Sarah, you’ve gone completely off topic!  I opened this blog post because I thought you were going to teach me how to fix my vibrator?!”  You’re right theoretical voice!  I’ll share with you what I’ve learned about fixing vibrators…your manifestation vibrators!  See what I did there?  (If you are totally bummed because your sex toy is still broken visit http://www.sextoyspro.com/fix-vibrators.shtml…even if your vibrator is not broken do yourself a favor and go to this link…amazing!)  

First you need to understand your vibrator.  See, the world and all of it’s stuff is made up of energy.  I’m made of energy, you’re made up of energy, this computer is made up of energy, and our neighborhood hobo’s  garbage-can-house is made up of energy.  All of these energies are vibrating at different frequencies, and in order to attract the things that you want, you have to set your vibrator to that frequency.  If you want abundance and happiness, you need to be vibrating at a high positive frequency.  If you want to attract poopsicles and despair, vibrate at a low negative frequency.  Now that you understand your vibrator a little better, it’s time to start talking to the universe.

Manifestation Rule #2

Don’t ask for apples when you really want orange stoli.

To properly manifest, what you’re asking the universe for must be aligned with what you really want.  For me, this was a problem. I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted.  I knew I wanted money, so that I didn’t have to spend my free time waiting tables, and that I wanted a fun and creative career, but I wasn’t sure what I wanted that career to be.

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Manifestation Rule #2.5

Be Specific 

As you all can tell from a lot of my recent blog posts, my new career path is a big thing I’ve been struggling with.  So I decided to finally figure it out.  I took some time (almost an entire day), and I acknowledged that what I really am passionate about is blogging and working for Improvolution (my improv company here in NYC www.improvolution.org).  So that’s what I’m going to do and I’m going to have two great careers at once dag nabbit!  (I’ll speak to how I came up with this decision in a another post, you know the one where I’ll include fart jokes).  Now I need to figure out how to make these 2 careers bigger and better.  I just wish I was more tech savvy.  Then I could really make my blog spectacular along with our Improv company’s website and social media.  I knew what to ask the universe for.

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Manifestation Rule # 3

It’ll happen, just work hard and open your damn eyes!

Since coming to my career realizations, I’ve really started to working harder than I ever have before.  I’ve spent hours writing and researching marketing.  I’ve surrounded myself with both successful and ambitious people.  I got up before 10am almost every day!  Then things started happening.  Yesterday I got an email from http://www.dailyworth.com (a website dedicated to teaching women about money and investing…Ladies you should totally sign up for their newsletter…they break things down into terms even I can understand) telling it’s readers about a new company http://www.Skillcrush.com that teaches coding to the technologically retarded to help build better websites.  I clicked on the link and signed up for the free 10 day tech bootcamp. Free knowledge!

Last week, I got called in for an interview out of the blue with Physique 57, a fitness studio for the really rich, and/or famous women to workout (Zooey Deschanel, Kelly Ripa and Demi Moore among others).  A friend (shout out to  Courtney!) had passed along my info for a reception position, and yesterday I had my 3rd interview…where I met with the CEO!  I spent 15 minutes with a woman who made her dream of teaching fitness into a multimillion dollar company!  And it went great!  I could potentially be working with women who turn dreams into reality, by helping people!  Getting paid $15/hr to see how a successful multimillion dollar company operates…are you kidding me?!  Knowledge!  Plus a free gym membership!  Thanks universe!

Manifestation Rule #4

Always thank the Universe.

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 ‘Nough said.

Manifestation Rule #5

Child, the Universe is busy!   It ain’t got no time to filter!

When you think things like “I wish I wasn’t late all the time.” And,  “I want the universe to stop making me late.”  All the universe hears is late, late, late, and that’s all you’re gonna get. Instead, try believing that you have all the time in the world, and it will come. As a formerly late person, I switched my frequency to always having more than enough time.  A helpful and fun tip?  Whenever you feel like you might be late, use this little ditty from the Rolling Stones, “Time…is on my side…yes it is!”  I swear, every time I sing this to myself a train pulls up to the subway platform.  You gotta ask for the positive, not ask to not have the negative.   Like I said, the Universe ain’t got time for dat!

And last but not least,

Manifestation Rule #6

Just like HPV, believe that you already have it.

The best and most easy way for things to come to you, is to believe that you already have them.  Feel as if you already have that five thousand dollars.  Don’t go and spend five thousand dollars that you don’t have of course.  But feel what it would be like to not be worried about money.  To know that it’s on it’s way.  One of my favorite quotes of Gabrielle Bernstein, the Spirit Junkie, is “Those who are sure of the outcome can afford to wait, and wait without anxiety.”  If you want a high powered career, get up, put on your power suit and get out of the house as if you already had that career.  Don’t watch 14 hours of netflix a day in your pajamas drinking $3 cabernet (not that I’ve ever done that…for the whole month of April…).

That’s all you need to know!  Happy manifesting!

PS:  As you can see, I really love the idea of manifesting.  I believe in it one hundred percent and it’s because of a lot of the self-helpy research I’ve done from my fav power women:

Jen Sincerno, Your a Badass…How to stop doubting your greatness and start living an awesome life http://jensincero.com

Gabrielle Bernstein, the Spirit Junkie, http://gabbyb.tv

and Marie Forleo, business and life coach http://www.marieforleo.com

Now manifest away!

Day 12: The Vision Board…

Hey there adoring fans (Nancy Braun….sorry my post yesterday was dedicated to you but my phone auto-corrected your last name to Brain)!

So, as I said in my (shabbily written) post yesterday.  I’ve reread The Secret, by Linda Byrne.

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You see, back in 2007, I read The Secret just like every other depressed middle age housewife (I was a 24 year old tap dancer) that saw the book featured on Oprah (because if it’s featured on Oprah it must be good… and be the perfect solution to my 24 year old problems… and might turn me into a fabulous black woman…with a billion dollars).  At that time, the book’s philosophy brought me all the things I wanted in my life.  Within 6 months I got: A hit Broadway show, a Broadway salary (which was the most money that I believed any one person could possibly make…until I opened my bedazzled eyes to realize there’s a great big world out of there full of people making a lot more money…you know, like people that interview celebrities and have 4 golden retrievers and audience give aways…oh wait…I’m back to Oprah again aren’t I?  Well, there’s tons of other people that make more money than Broadway chorus girls…without bum right knees…and health insurance…I digress….back to the list of things I got), a hot boyfriend, and a smokin’  bod.  I figured that since the world didn’t end and my blog is now about making my life a little better one day at a time, I would give the old Secret another shot.

Sarah’s basic understanding of The Secret Technique (please don’t sue me if my reading comprehension isn’t what it used to be…in the 4th grade….when public schools tested you on reading comprehension):

1.  The Law of Attraction: Act as if you already have whatever it is that you want and you will receive whatever it is that you want.

2.  Visualization: Visualize everything that you want to happen and it will happen to you.

3.  The Power of Positive Thinking: If you think about positive things then positive things will happen to you. If you think about negative things then negative things will then happen to you.

In order to go along with any of these ideas you definitely have to drink the Kool-Aid (side note: I had to explain to a fellow shot girl what the expression “drink the Kool-Aid” meant last night…you know, stuff you have to embrace when you’re the oldest living shot girl in Manhattan and all of your co-workers are too young to know of such cult suicides).  So, I’ve been testing out these 3 tactics for a few days now, and it’s kinda cool the s*it that can happen (either by my powerful positive brain…or mere coincidence).  I swear I made a D train come on the 59th street platform (by visualizing it) yesterday when I was running late to work.  And by using The Law of Attraction, I’ve been pretending that I have plenty of money (which we all know that I’m as rich as a common hobo) I got 2 really easy quick paying job opportunities (…no Mom…I’m not a stripper…jeesh).

So to keep up with my Secret-ness I have decided to create a vision board (barf all you want…I’m going to be rich and famous and hot)

Step 1

Buy a cork board preferably in a girly shape, ’cause you’re a girl dammit!

(Unless you’re a boy reading this post that is…then get a cork board in the shape of a giant penis)

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Step 2

Cut out inspiring sayings from your girly magazines (or gentlemanly magazines…whatever you hoodlums read is fine).

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Step 3

Download and cut out pictures of people, places, or things that inspire you,

like this pic of Carrie Bradshaw here.  Making enough money to afford that $4,000 outfit by typing on her computer a few times a week…hmmmm….

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Step 4

Find some pictures of you when you were really happy with the way you felt and looked.  Here’s me at the beach with Ruby…when I was 400lbs (10lbs) fewer…and had probably already drank 47 miller lites….those were the days.

PS: I also cut out this picture of Carrie Bradshaw’s bedroom (when she reclaimed her life after Mr. Big…douche) because that’s what I’m going to model my bedroom after.

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(side note: I printed that picture for my hot boyfriend that I mentioned earlier. I casually showed it to him (along with a bunch of other decoy pictures of course) hoping that he would ask if he could keep it, frame it, and put it up in his bedroom to admire everyday how hot and awesome I was…he did not…so now I just have this picture of me in a bikini while holding my dog and beveling hanging out in my apartment.  Time to put it to good use!)

Look how much fun vision board making can be!

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Now that you have your finished vision board…

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Yes.  That’s a picture of Ryan Reynolds in the corner.  Don’t judge me.  You ladies know what I’m talking about (and based on my readers…probably quite a few of you men do too).

You can move onto Step 5

Pick a spot on the wall to hang your vision board.  Somewhere you will see it every single day (just be sure to test it out first…so you don’t have to put 2 holes in your drywall because it was hanging too close to your closet…whoops).

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Now you’re all set!  Just make sure to look at it every day and really believe, drink the Kool-Aid!  (No, not literally drink Kool-Aid Megan.  Were you paying attention to anything I just said?  No, I’m not mad, just disappointed.  Why yes, you have sold a lot of red headed sluts tonight.  Good job!  Now run along) that those things are coming your way.  All you have to do is be positive…and maybe get your fat ass to the gym.

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Let’s see what happens if I look at this everyday for 66 days. Hopefully I will make out with Ryan Reynolds…not turn into him (yes, I know he’s married Mom…jeesh!)