This post is dedicated to all of my male readers. I realize that you probably haven’t been entertained too much by my last few posts about trying to lose weight, going to ballet class, and do-it-yourself-pap-smears, so today I’m going to write specifically with you fellas in mind as I give you…
the play-by-play of yesterday’s Football games!
The day started out as any other game day that I’m sure you gentleman viewers have gone through with the “picking out of the cute outfit.” Joining me for the games (among others) were my 2 amazeball neighbors that have recently moved to New York from San Franciso, so I was forced by association to be a 49-ers fan for game one. I myself am from Baltimore (well, right outside of Baltimore… in the suburbs… I really can’t give you much more than that as one of you I’m sure would like to find out exactly where I was born so that you could use that information to steal my identity…and not in a cute way like that movie that’s about to come out with that hilarious woman from bridesmaids and that guy from Juno…and I think maybe someone said he was in Arrested Development, which I’ve never seen…and then people get mad because apparently it is the type of show that I would love…in conclusion, I’m from outside of Baltimore, and I would really appreciate it if you didn’t steal my identity) so I am by my birthright forced to root for the Ravens (I don’t think that’s what birthright means).
Here right now is a complete breakdown of the playoffs..
As I do not own any NBA gear to support either team, I decided to do some arts and crafts to create some fabulous headgear (a hat…not a retainer attached to a nylon head piece).
No, that’s not a beer on the table(jeesh, Mom…) it’s balsamic vinegar which I used on my breakfast ‘vegan hoppin salad’ (yep, I’m still on the whole vegan thing…it’s working out really well…my skin is clearer and I’m having a lighter menstrual cycle…wait…this is the post to reel in some male viewers…substitute the word ‘vegan’ with ‘getting fingered in a cab’ and ‘menstrual cycle’ with ‘aversion to roofies’).
Step 1 to making an awesome football match outfit…
Find a trucker hat that you have lying around your apartment (that your roommates voted you get rid of…who’s a hoarder now?!)
Step 2…use some tape to attach the picture that you’ve drawn to said trucker hat…
Step 3…there is no step 3. You’re a 49-ers fan now!
I do believe that I’m the Martha Stewart of do-it-yourself-millinery (that’s a fancy word for hat making…that I just looked up…so I could sound fancy… substitute ‘fancy’ with ‘like I have Daddy issues’.
Now, I know some of you guys out there like to do this thing called “tail gating” before a game, but as we are New Yorkers and don’t have cars (or parking lots) we…
go to brunch!
Ok, you guys are not helping me get male viewers…straight male viewers…probably even gay for that matter. Yes, I know that hurricane’s are delicious…wait, they’re only 5 bucks? Oh Abby you should totally get one….yeah, get one and then take a picture with Bridget and I where we are smiling and you are making a sexy face…yeah, open your mouth just enough to be “interesting”…that’s it you fiery redhead…the dudes are gonna love this!
So after about 45 $5 hurricanes and 84 two for one bud lights the 49-ers win and are going to the Powerball! I have no idea why we were kissing our biceps? Maybe something to do with the home runs some guy scored?
Costume change! Time for game 2!
How’s it going Jess? Jess? Awww, look. You seem to be having a nice dream. Probably about some sweet girl-on-girl action on top of a motorcycle (that one’s for you fellas).
After 20 more beers, our roommate John finally showed up, and we took a really cute picture…
Then I guess the Ravens won (which I had to keep asking about because when you’ve had 114 beers and don’t know anything about football you have to ask other cute boys at the bar who won the game). Hooray, now we can have a Brooks Brothers Superbowl!
I hope you enjoyed my football play-by-play. If anyone has a 2nd cousin that works for ESPN 3, please send them my blog as I am looking for work. If they are not interested tell them that I’m ready and willing to do some girl-on-girl action on top of a motorcycle (but substitute ‘girl-on-girl’ with ‘drinking-red-wine-while-watching-American-Idol’ and substitute ‘motorcycle’ with ‘your face’).
Special shout out to friend Megan who is both a Patriots fan and a porn star (she is not a porn star).
PS: if any of you would like to subscribe to my blog to get alerted when I write new posts so that you don’t have to rely on Facebook or that batman like shadow that I post in the sky, please do. I think there’s a ‘subscribe’ button somewhere.