Day 23: The Man Hunt…take two!

Hey there adoring fans (Alleka and Kathleen)!

Previously on Sarah’s quest to fall in love before December 21st…

We last saw Sarah getting blown off (not in the good way) by a guy at a bar right after the hurricane (because he had a stupid girlfriend which he omitted from the 2 hour conversation that he and Sarah shared).  So in her pursuit to find love, she decided to gather a couple of gal pals and hit the town at one of her favorite man hunting spots, The Gingerman, where the fellas have jobs and the ladies are few and only mildly attractive.  Now, in order to properly man hunt, you have to do a few things to prepare…

Step 1: Shower and shave your legs.  Or if you’re building has no effing hot water, use extra body spray and wear pants.

Step 2: Apply lots of black eyeliner.  This lets the men know you are available (taken women often go for a soft brown liner and sweat pants) and although you look great for a 29 year old, you can pass for 25…

Step 3: Pick out the perfect man hunting outfit…

Not too fancy…

Not too 90’s…

Something just right.  That says, “Hey there attractive man who appears to be heterosexual and employed. No, I’m not desperate to fall in love before the world explodes.  And yes, my footwear is 1 part sneaker and 1 part wedge.”

Step 4: Floss.  Nobody wants to fall in love with gum disease.

Step 5: Pour a bottle of Guiness into a travel coffee mug.  Drinks are expensive.

Now you’re ready to man hunt!

Time to meet the cast!

We have Kathleen, a fellow actress who I like to bring man hunting  (even though we usually just sit and talk to each other about the lack of men in the city instead of talking to actual men).

Edita, a restaurant manager, who is quite upset that the dang hipster bartender hasn’t poured her another beer yet.

And Alleka, an actress friend who has a boyfriend which makes her the perfect wingman (it’s always essential to bring along someone that is in a relationship because they’ll talk to the less attractive guys for you and you don’t feel bad about it cause they’re already getting tail on a daily basis).

After a few drinks and no luck talking to any men besides the bouncer, we decided to regroup and get some food at the Heartland Brewery.  Where….

We met a bunch of really cool guys!

For my first technique of flirting, I introduced the guys to Flat Pam.

They sniffed her skirt (grape scented you pervs) and bought us a round of beers. Who knew Flat Pam would be such a hit with the fellas.  Oh, that’s right.  I did!

Next, I gave them my website for the blog.  They were all particularly fond of my underwear drawer makeover.

And for my final technique I got really drunk and took one of them home with me!

To be continued…

(Maybe.  We’ll see if bringing home a sexy stranger is the first step to falling in love before the world ends…not just the first step to a urinary tract infection)

Day 22: Flat Pam and baby Jesus…

Hey there adoring fans (Elise Kinnon, Ashley Peacock, and Marina Lazzaretto)!

So yesterday I took Flat Pam …

to a bar…

Just kidding!

We went to the invited dress rehearsal for the Radio City Christmas Spectacular!

Like most of you Americans, my favorite holiday is Christmas (unless you are Jewish or another religion that doesn’t celebrate the birth of baby Jesus…no worries, I hear Chanukah, Kwanzaa, and Flag Day are mad cool too)!  I love the music, the decorations, and the guilt/anxiety that comes along with buying presents for loved ones (and not so loved ones…you know, the peole you have to buy presents for that you don’t really like but it would be tacky not to buy them a present).  And one of my favorite things to do when I’m not performing in a Christmas show (thanks White Christmas…really…I didn’t want your stupid health insurance anyway…I’m sure I can get a “do it yourself” pap smear kit at Walgreens) is to go see a Christmas show, and what better show than the Christmas Spectacular?!

Plus, Flat Pam really wants to be a Rockette…

Then I told her that the height minimum was 5 feet 6 and a half inches, and since she was only 7 inches tall, she would never be a Rockette.  Flat Pam was crushed (good thing she’s already flat…get it?)

We arrived at the theatre….

Ran into some friends (what up Elise and Ashley!)…

And sat back, relaxed, and enjoyed the show!

Flat Pam wanted to play baby Jesus but I told her she had to be in the union (AGVA) to perform at Radio City.

She was sad because AGVA doesn’t accept people made out of paper and grape scented markers (racists), so I decided to cheer her up by introducing her to a real live Rockette!  “Hi Naomi!  Thanks for the tickets!”

And then….

We went to a bar…

Day 21: Every Batman needs his Robin…

Hey there adoring fans (Tommy Casabona)!

Tonight I’d like to introduce you all to a new friend that I have recruited to help me with my EOW endeavors.  Ladies, gentlemen, and hobos I’d like you to meet…

FLAT PAM!

You should note that Flat Pam is from Baltimore (hence the Ravens garb.  Go Ravens!) and that she was colored with scented markers and smells of grape and rootbeer (never has a lady had her crotch sniffed so frequently).

As you all know (or have no idea because you haven’t read any of my other blogs…shame on you jerks…but also, thanks for reading my blog!), something that I’ve always wanted to do (especially before the EOW) was to have a child send me a “Flat Stanley”.  I have no nieces or nephews of my own, and all of my friends who have babies have well…babies.  “Flat Stanley” is a school project done by 1st graders all over the country.  And I really wanted one….sooooooo,  I got one (hooray)!

On Day 16: Audience Participation, I asked any fans of the blog if they knew of anyone working on Flat Stanley’s.  My friend Pam (who I grew up dancing with and haven’t seen for 15 years) contacted me and let me know that she was now a 1st grade teacher (long way from a shot girl like myself…not that there’s anything wrong with my profession) and that her class was working on Flat Stanley’s!  Oh what joy!  She volunteered to send me her Flat Stanley to share with her class.

And yesterday I got my new friend Flat Pam in the mail!

The letter that came with Flat Pam read as follows,

Dear Sarah,

As a part of our class’s “Families Around the World” and holiday units in Social Studies, our class has read the story Flat Stanley.  This story is about a boy who wakes up flat (Jesus!  It’s like American Horror Story) and goes on many different adventures.  One of these adventures includes mailing himself to his grandma in an envelope (I’d mail myself to Ryan Reynolds’ home covered in banana boat tanning oil while holding a picture of Blake Lively looking fat)!

To go along with this story we have drawn pictures of our “flat selves” to mail a relative.  If you could please send back a nice note about where you live (Harlem), your holiday traditions (alcohol abuse), and a souvenir or two (hip flasks), our class would really appreciate it.  The children love seeing items from around and hearing about different parts of the country and world!

We will be marking a map in our classroom of where each flat child traveled.  Hopefully, this activity will open the children’s eyes to many different people (hobos) , places (cock fights), and things (mechanical bull rides) in our country and world!  Thank you for your support in making our Flat Stanleys a success!

**Please don’t forget (what are you a terd?) to return Flat Pam with your letter!!**

Love,  Pam

Flat Pam’s only been here for 2 days and she’s already helped me with so many things…

She helped me Rock the Vote last night in Rockefeller Center…

(Yep.  This is the place you saw when you were following MSNBC for the election…unless you were too busy watching a hammered Diane Sawyer on ABC.  Way to go Flat Pam!)

She’s helped me edit my blog…

Yes, I have an iBook G4 from 2005.  Jealous?

She helped me try on funny mustaches…
Again.  Jealous?

She carried her own in the first snow storm of the season…

Yes I  took this picture myself.  Not too many helpers walking around in a “freezing mix of snow and sleet”.

She helped me warm up with a second (fourth) glass of wine…

Don’t judge.

And she helped me get a good nights sleep…

Sleep tight Flat Pam.  Don’t let the bed bugs bite.  And seriously…don’t joke about bedbugs in New York Flat Pam.  That s*it’s for real.

Day 20: Look Mom, I made it!

Hey there adoring fans (Nicole Mangi Kramer and Matt Cwalina)!

Guys, I finally did it!  I watched the Season 8 finale of Greys Anatomy.  I’m all caught up and ready for Season 9.  Suck it December 21st!  (just kidding…Dear World, Please don’t end).   Now, because someone told me that something crazy happens in the first 15 minutes, I decided to record myself watching the first 15 minutes to see my reaction to what this crazy thing is.  Enjoy!

Spoiler Alert:  Don’t watch this if you’re not up to speed on Grey’s Anatomy…or you don’t like to watch girls cry.

                                                             RIP Lexi Grey

                                                    (Season 3- Season 8)

Oh yeah, don’t forget to go out and Vote!

PS: here is a picture of french fries.  They have nothing to do with this post, but I need a thumbnail pic for when I post it on Facebook and right now the only one that shows up is the picture of dead Lexi, and I don’t want to spoil Grey’s Anatomy for anyone…so here’s some Freedom Fries.

Day 19: Nants ingonyama bagithi baba (here comes a lion!)

Hey there adoring fans (Jim Ferris and Erin Maguire)!

As you all know, I’ve failed twice at the lottery for Wicked.  It’s been very hard on me.  I mean, I know that there’s an election coming up, and some people have been devastated by a storm, but can’t a girl just get a little break with her bucket list for the end of the world?  All I want to do is to go see a fun Broadway show (for under $30) where the powers of good and evil are tested.  Where the protagonist wants something different than what her life has handed her.  A show where there are jovial sidekicks with with a charming song and dance number that doesn’t really further the plot in any way but just brings a smile to your face and for 6 and a half minutes and allows you to forget about the main character’s struggles.

Well, yesterday, my prayers were answered!  No, I didn’t get to see Wicked.  I got free tickets to see…

THE LION KING ON BROADWAY!

Thanks to Hurricane Sandy, The Lion King gave it’s cast members 2 free tix for friends to come see the Sunday matinee performance.  And lucky for me, I have a wonderful friend who’s hubby is in the show (thanks Erin!).   Now, to be fair, if you look back to Day 4: The Apocalypse Takes Oraganizing, you’ll notice that seeing The Lion King was something I wanted to get done in the event that the world doesn’t end.  It is wedged right between “Pay off Credit Card”, and “Papsmear”.

To Do…after December 22, 2012

It’s not that I didn’t want to see Lion King, it just wasn’t something I thought I could get in amongst my other goals (Grey’s Anatomy is taking up an awful lot of time) before the EOW.

But, lucky me!  I’m so thankful I was blessed with these tickets because I absolutely loved this show!!  I mean, I’ve seen the opening number performed on the Tony’s (for you non musical theatre nerds, the Tony’s are like the Oscars for Broadway Musicals.   Or for you hipster teenagers, they’re like the MTV movie awards)…(I am pretty sure there aren’t any hipster teenagers reading this blog).  When little Rafiki jumped on stage and started wailing to us in African my eyes started welling up.  Halfway through Circle of Life when the giraffes entered the stage was when my first tear fell, and by the time the rhinoceros’, elephants, and zebras started to walk down the aisles through the audience I was in full on snot-running ugly cry (I should probably let you know that I’m in that lovely womanly time where I have to leave the room when the Sarah Mclachlan ASPCA commercials come on the TV or else I’ll end up like that depression medication commercial where the umbrella has eyballs…so it’s only natural that I be moved by dancing animal puppets).  The show was awesome and I’m so glad I got to see it before December 21st when Scar and his evil laughing hyenas rule us all (or nothing happens and we’re all still here chilling with Mufasa).

Here we are after the show.  Me, Jim Ferris (standby for all 3 white guys in the show), and my buddy Rebecca.

Plus we got to donate to Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS which is an amazing organization that is donating a portion of it’s proceeds to the victims of Hurricane Sandy.

(Hint: I’m the one on the left)

Day 18: Butt Aid…When Sandy Comes btw You and Your Calvins.

Hey there adoring fans (Aubrey Mock and Erin Whaling)!

I know a bunch of you out there are like, “Oh, cute idea for a blog Sarah.  Too bad the world is not gonna end.  If the Mayans were any good a predicting stuff then why aren’t they still here?  You know, you’d think if they were all telepathic and stuff, they would have been like, ‘Oh s*it our race is about to mysteriously disappear.  Let’s do something to not have that happen.’  But instead they just built a bunch of buildings with a crap load of stairs that my girlfriend made me go visit last summer in Mexico instead of letting me go on a booze cruise.  The Mayans don’t know squat Sarah”.

Well, theoretical dude who might say that, I really hope that you’re right, but as I mentioned in the beginning of this blog, I am 50% terrified that come December 21st, this planet may cease to exist, and things like people eating other peoples faces off and Hurricanes in New York City are not helping calm my fears.  Again, I digress.  Back to the list!

As a citizen of Planet Earth (while we’ve still got her) I did my part…

I VOLUNTEERED!

Yesterday, I volunteered to help the victims of Hurricane Sandy.  I’m still working on the people eating other people’s faces part, but so far the best I’ve done is to not, myself, eat another persons face and to discourage friends and family from doing so as well.  Some would say I’m a martyr…but that’s just silly…or is it?

The reason that volunteering was a pre-EOW must for me is because so many people on this planet have helped me in a million different ways and I wanted to make sure that (before it’s too late) I could give back and help other people that needed it.  So yesterday, I went in search of ways to help (messaged my proactive friend Jeff on Facebook), grabbed my neighbor, and headed down to a shelter on 49th street to offer a hand.

First of all, no, I did not wear this adorable volunteer outfit to be all matchy-matchy with the Command Center Sign (the command center sign merely decided to be matchy-matchy with me).  And second of all, yes, this was an obnoxious picture to take while people are living on cots because their homes blew away (which probably means I’m not a martyr after all).

Meet the cast: Jeff Metler (musical theatre buddy), Bridget Guerra (neighbor), and me!

Our first order of business as volunteers was to bring supplies (provided by super generous donors) from the sidewalk into the school/shelter.  What?  You think that sounds like a piece of cake?  You know how many packs of batteries those big ass Duane Reade bags can hold?  You know how heavy batteries are?  D batteries?!  Whatever, it was hard.

Our next assignment was cleaning patrol.

Side note: the homeless gentleman standing directly behind me in this picture invited me to “anywhere that needed tickets” because he had connections to a friend that had “tickets”.  He wouldn’t give me his name (mysterious), only that his email address was HotFeet@.com (have you ever met a man that was so connected that he didn’t even need a service provider?), and that I should put the word “tickets” in the subject line because he gets a lot of junk mail and that this way he knew it would be from me.   I would have been flattered if I had not seen him say the same thing to a cafeteria volunteer, and a mounted fire extinguisher.

Next order of volunteer work…

Mopping.

I’m going to go ahead and leave some space below open for my roommates and mother to rant about how I never clean at home and how I wouldn’t know how to use a mop if the world depended on it (I really hope the EOW does not come down to a mop off, where the best moppers get to board the mothership and the terrible moppers are left for dead.  That would really suck for me.)

Rant space for roommates/Mom n’ Dad/Anyone who’s ever met me(fill in the blank):

Sarah,

You___________________________________________messiest girl I’ve ever met___________________________when’s the last time you touched a broom?_____________ever heard of a duster?________________that’s the power of PineSol moron!

Sincerely,

Everyone that thinks you are a messy friend

Next up, we organized all of the donations into categories of: canned goods, dry foods, medicines, and leftover Halloween Candy.

We found this peculiar item along the way.

Butt Aid…for when Sandy gets between me and my Calvins.

In all seriousness, I had a great time Volunteering.  Although the hurricane barely affected me (except that Dunkin Doughnuts was closed for 2 whole days!), it felt truly great to help the people of this wonderful city who were less fortunate during this crisis.  I would like to thank Hurricane Sandy for reminding me what it means to be apart this wonderful community, and for hooking me up with my date next Saturday night with HotFeet@.com, where we will go to someplace requiring tickets, as he has a friend with connections.

If you would like to donate to help the victims of Hurricane Sandy, you cant totes go to www.redcross.org/Hurricane_Aid

PS: Duh!  We got drinks after.

Day 17: Wicked!

Hey there adoring fans (Pamela Zanti Uhlman )!

Guess what?  Tonight I tried to win the Wicked lottery again.   And again, I didn’t win.

The End.

Just kidding!

So what did I do instead?  On this Friday date night with myself (because all of my friends are stuck in Queens with no way to come play with me)?   I did my favorite thing to do in Times Square….

I RODE THE ELEVATORS AT THE…

Now, too understand my love of the elevators at the Marquis (and why I had to ride them again before we all explode…or don’t explode and nothing happens), you must first hear about my very first trip to this city.   At the age of 11 (don’t worry, this is not a long story), my parents (after weeks of begging) allowed me to come to New York City for 10 days over the summer with my dance teacher and 2 other girls from the studio for the Dance Masters of America Convention.  It was my first time traveling anywhere without Mom and Dad and I was thrilled (I love you John and Susan Hicks)!  We hopped in a cab (which was super cool at the time…a little less cool now during Hurricane Sandy when the trains are down and your only option is to battle fellow New Yorkers to the death for a cab downtown…I digress), from Grand Central Station to Times Square and arrived at the Marriott Marquis.  Tall men in burgundy suits took our bags (bellhops, not stylish robbers as I had originally thought), escorted us to the front desk where we were given computerized room keys (which was the wave of the future in 1994) and pointed us to the elevators making sure we were aware that our room was on the 44th floor(!).  Now, to an 11 year old from Elkridge Maryland, any building that has a 44th floor is unfathomable (I mean, Towson Town Center only had 4 floors and a Rainforest Cafe).  Were my ears going to pop?  Yes.  Was my nose going to bleed?  No, nose bleeds have nothing to do with heights. Would I be high enough to shake the hand of God?  It depends on who you ask and in what context you are using the word high.  We then made our way to the elevators and discovered the most amazing thing…

The elevators were made of glass…just like Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (but not really)!

So, to get a full understanding of how cool these elevators are… here’s a picture!

Mind blowing, right?!

No?

Hold on, let me find a better picture….

ahh…here it is…

Look at how magical these elevators are!  They always put me in a “I feel like I’m a Jetson,” kind of mood.

So, after I ear-popped myself to the 48th floor, I decided I’d sit and have a cocktail at the revolving lounge.  You probably have already noticed that most (all) of my blogs involve cocktails.

And here’s a pic from of the view.  Isn’t it incredible?

No?

Hold on, my stupid flash is on the fritz,  let me take get a better pic.

Ahh…here it is.  And to imagine, no one below 24th street has power right now, and I’m being revolved at 20 megahurts per second (that is probably a lie…I have no idea how to measure the speed of revolsion…revoulution…spinning…oh, whatever) .

Next, with my new found love of whiskey, I ordered a Gentleman Jack.  Delicious!

“Oh, and waitress, you can take that other cocktail napking away.  I’m going to die alone….I mean, it’s just me for right now.”

“And get rid of that straw, I’m not a sissy!”

“That’s better.”

I had another awesome day doing 3 things that I love: riding glass elevators, having a cocktail, and enjoying New York City.

I was having such a splendid time that I asked a tourist to take a picture.

“Oh sweetie, could you turn the camera the other way?  I tend to photograph better in the vertical.”

“That’s better.”

Day 16: Audience Participation…

Hey adoring fans (Steph Seiler and Nichole (Justice) Cwalina)!

So….

“A” of all…

I’m overwhelmed with how many responses I’ve gotten from “adoring fans”! (Plus at how many angry friends that I have who are emailing me that they have yet to be listed as adoring fans… 🙂

I’m so surprised at how many people are reading (and actually enjoying) a blog written by someone with terrible grammar and a degree in Jazz Dance.  I really do (from the bottom of my drunken/splendiforous heart) appreciate each and every one of you that have taken the time to read this silly little ditty that is “my blog”.

And…”B” of all…

I can’t believe that a lot of the feedback is from people that want to help me out with my bucket list!

I’ve gotten emails from friends, relatives, “friends of friends”, “relatives of relatives”, and circus folk, who want to help me out by:  hooking me up with super-cheap Christmas Spectacular tickets (dancing bears and rockettes alike), offering me a few days at their condo in Cape Cod  ( Abby’s fam…lobster roll time!), rides through foliage (J Dogg and wonderful mamasita), and even letting me know that they have a 6th degree of separation from Tina Fey (cousin’s uncle’s step-child!).  I am so excited that you guys are willing to help a “sista” (not entirely sure that I’m allowed to use “sista” that way) out!

Keep in mind that I absolutely do NOT want any “dinero” (that’s spanish for one million dollars) from anyone.  BUT… I would love to know if any of you amazing readers out there know how to help me get “some s*it done before the EOW!”  (I will reward you all greatly with 2-4 butterfly kisses, on or after December 22nd).

Here’s What I’m Looking (and desperate) For Friends…

1.  Does anyone have any connections to SNL and could fill me in on how to get tickets?

2.  Are there any ladies who would like to come wedding dress shopping with me on November 10th, (David’s Bridal, midtown…brunch and mimosas before hand…obviously)?

3.  Any kids (or adults) interested in sending me a Flat Stanley? (I know it sounds dumb, but I don’t have any nieces/nephews, God-kids, or “for ten cents a day you can save Magdalena’s childhood”?  up for grabs to play “Flat Stanley” before the EOW).

4.  Anybody know Tina Fey?  Or maybe some sort of secret handshake I could perform at Rock Center or Gray’s Papaya to get to her?

5.  Anybody want to come to my pre-EOW 30th Birthday Party (probs December 14th or 15th)?  Or have any connections to a great place to throw a pre-EOW 30th Birthday Party?

6.   Anyone really good at photoshop? (who could make me appear 10lbs thinner or look 100k richer in any/all of my photos?)

I think that’s all for now.  If I come up with anymore I’ll let you all know.  Wait!  Is there anyone out there who knows how to beat box…and if so, could you teach a gal in 50 or so days?  If so, you should probably know I played the clarinet for 4th and 5th grade, which would probably increase my learning curve?

And…here is a silly picture of me on a very small tractor.   It has nothing to do with this post, but I was told that media encourages people to read blogs.

Day 15: Boo! It’s sexy baby time…

Hey there adoring fans (Allison Hammer and Danny Kelly)!

So, as I mentioned on Day 4, for Halloween this year (and maybe our last),I planned to dress up as the Coppertone Baby.  You know, this adorable little girl…

Now, some people believe that this little girl was modeled after a very young Jodi Foster, but after some research (a solid 47 seconds worth on Wikipedia), I found out that the picture was actually modeled after a little girl named Cheri, and the artist was her mother Joyce Ballantyne Brand, who later went on to become a famous pinup artist (drew pinup girls, wasn’t an actual pinup girl).   At the age of 86, Joyce gave this advice for drawing pinup girls in an interview, “But you don’t do dirty. You want the girl to look a little like your sister, or maybe your girlfriend, or just the girl next door. She’s a nice girl, she’s innocent, but maybe she got caught in an awkward situation that’s a little sexy.”   Well Joyce, I’m pretty sure that’s what they teach you on the first day of Date Rape 101.   Anywho, Jodi Foster eventually did make her film debut as the Coppertone Baby for a commercial in 1965.

Now…back to what’s really important…me!  I’ve been wanting to dress up as the Coppertone Baby for years.  I mean, I already kinda look like her with this adorable bulbous head of mine.  Plus I wanted to have a kind of creative AND sexy costume.  You know?  So that people would say , “Wow! What a super creative costume….yet really sexy at the same time!  I totally want to take that woman/baby out for a lobster dinner!”    So, on Day 4 of this blog, I put my plan into action, and 10 days later, October 31st I was ready to…

DRESS UP AS THE COPPERTONE BABY FOR HALLOWEEN!

I bought an adorable stuffed dog off of Amazon.com…

… picked out the perfect pair of blue underwear…

…realized how fat I’d gotten from spending 5 days on the couch eating non-perishables because of stupid hurricane Sandy…

… thought of a brilliant idea…

…Spanks!…

…and then went on to paint the town *red, in the sexiest, most creative Halloween costume ever!

*By painting the town red, I meant walking 2 steps out the door and then realized that I had nowhere to go because the city had just been devastated by the hurricane and there was nothing to do but walk down the block and go trick or treating and I had a strong suspicion that I would upset the children and then their parents would shout “haven’t they been through enough?!” So I stayed home and watched TV instead.

I’d like to take the rest of this post to thank my roommate, John Scacchetti, for drawing the ass-crack on my spanks with a sharpie marker.  He really knows the true meaning of friendship.