Category Archives: The First 66 Days

Day 41: The date…

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Hey there adoring (Katie Green and Stephanie Seiler)!

So tonight I went on a date.  This guys asked me out at a bar last week.  Since I’m hoping to fall in love by the end of the world, I said ok.  Let’s see how it went.

(Since taking pictures would have been totally weird.  I’ve opted to use our Hollywood look-alike’s to give you the play by play.)

1st date bing“Hey there.  You are attractive and fairly intelligent.  Can I take you out on a date?”

 

megan-hilty-picture-12“I don’t know bar patron.  Are you a serial killer or douche bag?”

bing 3“No way.  I’m totally not a douche bag.  I even have a job.”

 

hilty 4“Ok.  I guess I could go on a date.  Wait how old are you?”

bing glasses

“34.  Oh and by the way, I’m not a serial killer either.  I understand my previous answer was misleading.”

hilty 3

“Alright then.  Even though this seems like a terrible idea, the world might end so I am willing to take a risk.  Plus it may prove to be a fun blog entry.  Wait, what blog?  Who said blog?  I’m not writing a blog.  Never mind.  I guess I’ll see you next week.”

The next week…

bing phone“Hey Sarah.  It’s me.  The guy from the bar.  How about we go out this weekend.”

hilty phone“Sure, guy from bar.  Where should we go?”

bing phone“Well, I live in Long Island.  I’ll have to take the train in.  Any suggestions?”

hilty phone“Wow.  Long Island.  Ok, that sounds like a fun place.  How about we play it by ear?  I’ll see you Sunday.”

Sunday…at another bar…

bing poster“Hey Sarah!  I hope you don’t mind.  I got us a table.  So where are you from?”

hilty black and white“I’m from Maryland.  Go Ravens!”

bing tv guide“Oh cool.  My older brother is getting married in Maryland in July.”

hilty 2“Oh, cool.  How old is your brother?”

Republic“26.   He’s a pretty cool guy.”

hilty stunned

“Wait, what?  I thought you said you were 34?”

bing blue“No.  I’m 24.  The music was pretty loud, maybe you misheard me.  So anyways, I live on Long Island and am saving up to move into the city.”

hilty stunned“Wait.  Do you live with your parents?”

bing nyc“I mean, just for now.  Why, is that a problem?”

hilty stunned“No no no.  That’s totally cool.  Oh look.  I just got a text message from my Landlord…our apartment has been taken over by those really big termites from those commercials.  I gotta run.”

1st date bing“Ok, are you sure it wasn’t something I said.”

hilty gotta go“No, not at all.  I just really need to check on my apartment.  It was nice meeting you.”

bing hat“Oh, ok.  Can I call you next week?”

run away!“Umm…I think my phone just exploded.  How about I contact you?”

Day 40: Where do you keep the Jewish ornaments?

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Hey there adoring fans (Jessica Wafer)!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!  If you can’t tell already, I absolutely LOVE Christmas!  I especially love Christmas in New York City.  You see, all over town (really only in 4 locations with high volume of foot traffic…of mostly annoying tourist who walk slow and take pictures of everything.  I mean, talk about annoying.  People who constantly take silly pictures in front of signs/buildings/dead turkeys/etc.  You must be a loser if you just want pictures of yourself from all of the places you visit…)

market

…are Christmas Markets!  They are filled with awesome (mostly useless) gifts for your friends and family.  I recruited my (Jewish) friend Stephanie, and we checked out the loot.

Step 1: Starbucks (peppermint schnapps).

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Step 2: Go to one of the 400 places that sell silly knit caps that should not be worn if you are over the age of 7, but for some reason have made them in adult sizes as to tempt those grown ups that were probably “Goth” in higschool and Europeans.

And try them on (fingers crossed you don’t get bedbugs).

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And meet Stephanie.  My buddy from high school who is really excited to be the face of today’s blog.

 

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Step 3: Search for more booze (you know…for a gift…obviously).

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Then realize (with great disappointment) that it was only a candle.

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Step 4: Check out the Christmas ornaments that you can have personalized with anything you want.  Stephanie’s ornament would be on the hand holding gingerbread men and would say, “Merry Christmas Mom!  Sorry I couldn’t find a Jewish ornament.  This Street Fair is racist. Happy New Year!”

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Step 5: Look for more booze (Still for gifts.  I swear.)  Wait, this cider is non alcoholic?  Are you freaking kidding me?!  Why is everyone trying to ruin Christmas?!

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Step 6: Pick out some cute affordable family gifts.  These coasters were made from the wood of fallen down trees in Central Park.  Looks like there was at least one person super thankful for Hurricane Sandy.  Craft making hipsters: 1,  victims of hurricane Sandy : 0.

 

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Step 7:  Try on Alpaca hats…just cause.

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Step 8: Help your friend pick out a present for her boyfriend.  “No Steph!  Not a tie!”

Giving your boyfriend a tie for Christmas is the equivalent of “No sex in the Champagne room.”

(Advice given from me…the expert who really misses that song from the nineties…and is not at all an expert on boyfriend Christmas gift giving…but is really good at knitting sweaters for cats…I lied…I’m not good at that either…)

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Why don’t you go for this creepy hand crafted leather bound book with a sculpture of Jesus on the front.  You see Steph, Jesus is the reason we celebrate Christmas.  On December 25th a billion years ago, Jesus became president, dressed up in a red suit, and gave all of the children of Israel iPods.

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Or you could give him this other hand crafted leather bound book. Now, those white things appear to be dolphins, but the overall shape reminds me of something else.  I can’t quite figure out what it reminds me of?    Oh yeah.  A vagina.

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Step 9: For God’s sake!  How can you have a proper street fair without any booze?!  I swear it’s not for me.  I am just looking for some gifts.  Don’t you judge me.  I’ll come over there and smack that smirk right off your….oh here it is.

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Oh lovely.  This is from a vineyard in the finger lakes.  How delicious.  I know just the person on my list for this…

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Look Steph they have (hold on let me google how to spell it…) manischewitz!

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What a wonderful day at the street fair!  I found (drank) everything I was looking for.  Including some delicious food (vegetarian of course)!  Check out Mighty Balls New Yorkers.  They’re delicious!

 

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(Are you upset that I didn’t go for a “Mighty Ball” joke?  I am.)

Day 39: Party like your divorce is final!

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Hey there adoring fans (Meghan Lacorte and Alicia Sable)!

So, last night I took the Flat Pam and Flat Sarah to a dinner party.  Now, it’s come to my attention that some of you (straglers that haven’t read Day 21: Every Batman needs his Robin…)may not know who Flat Pam and Flat Sarah are and where they came from.  Flat Pam comes from my childhood dancing friend (real Pam) who is now a 1st grade teacher.  Her class is working on the Flat Stanley project.  Flat Stanley is  a story about a little boy who wakes up flat one day, mails himself to his grandparents, and goes on an adventure.   Despite the story completely freaking kids out that they might one day turn flat and be shipped off somewhere (I’d totes go Hogwarts…but then I’d have to find an owl to pick me up…and probably get some robes and learn magic…and then be disappointed that Hogwarts is fictional, but then I would be all flat and stuff which isn’t real anyway so what do I care if my destination is fictional…and what’s the legal drinking age in England if you’re a wizard?…I digress), teachers have their students create their “flat selves” and then send them off to friends or relatives who live far away and these friends or relatives take the “flat child” on adventures.   So, long story short (which doesn’t really work here  because I just babbled for way to long about this story already), Pam sent me her “flat self” which I have been taking on adventures (drinking) all over the city, and I’ve made my “flat self” so that Flat Pam has a partner in crime.

Last night I decided to take the girls to a friend’s dinner party where she was celebrating her divorce.  What better place to bring 2 flat girls?!

We started off at the food table…

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Then thought “What the Hell are we doing?  Where’s the booze?”

Flat Sarah opted for a Corona to keep with the fiesta theme?

Do you know why Corona’s are served with lime?  They originally served them with limes in Mexico to keep the bugs from crawling in the bottle.  My blog is not only hilarious, it’s also informative.

(PS: I learned that “fact” from some drunk guy at a bar and have done no research to back it up.)

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Flat Pam went for the hard stuff but added a lime to stay festive.

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Then it was time for some girl talk…

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Hey look, it’s Bernie and Holly!

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“Hey Mia.  First off, I’m so sorry that you have to wear the “cone of shame” but your stitches look badass!  And second, have you seen ‘FAT Sarah’?  We can’t find her.”image

Oh, here she is.  “Whatcha got there FAT Sarah?  Are those battery operated candle flames?  Whatcha gonna do with those?”image

“Oh, FAT Sarah!  You are positively the funniest person on the planet!”image

It’s that time of the night.  The time where Sarah gets so full (drunk) that she challenges her friends to a “who’s got a bigger stomach” contest… image

FAT Sarah always wins.

Clean up time everyone.  Hey Flat girls, have you seen FAT Sarah?image

Yep.  That seems about right.

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Day 38: The tree!

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Hey there adoring fans (Lily and Frankie)!

I did it! I saw the tree!

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And then I ran for it!

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And then I got it!

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Bam!

Now time for a beer…

Day 37: Oh tanennbaum….oh tanennbaum…

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Day 37: Oh tanennbaum….oh tanennbaum….

I’m not really sure what the “press this” button means.  I guess we’ll see!  I hope someone out there likes my blog 🙂

Day 37: Oh tanennbaum….oh tanennbaum…

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Hey there adoring fans (Maria from Cesca)!

So, tonight I had big plans.  I was off to see…

The Tree Lighting Ceremony at Rockefeller Center!

We started off at Starbucks for some hot chocolate.  Now, should we add milk?

So many choices?  Wait, is that a flask?  Who put that there?

Which one will I choose?

Twist my arm Starbucks.  Twist my arm.

It’s so nice that Starbucks offers Peppermint Schnapps.  Who knew?!

So then we walked right on up to 51st and 6th to find ourselves in…

the longest line of all time…

After being herded like cattle (with a lot of A-holes with baby strollers.  Just a heads up parents…this is the worst possible place to bring babies…besides a movie theatre…or a fancy restaurant…. or your creepy Uncle Larry’s bathtub), we finally arrived at…

Another really long ass line.

But the good news is…we saw the tree lighting!

Ok, ok.  So it wasn’t the famous tree of Rockefeller Center.  And it wasn’t even an actual tree.  But I was tired of waiting in line so…

…we went to a bar.

After a few beers (only 2!  I swear), I came home to watch the Tree Lighting on my DVR.  Except our stupid cable screwed up and didn’t record it.  Damn you Time Warner (shaking left fist in the air…while right hand pours a glass of wine)!  But it was totally ok because we could watch the part I really wanted to see on Youtube…

My friends Kristin and Ryan’s engagement!

Yes, you guys (who’s cable didn’t screw you and you actually got to see the show, ya jerks) these  are my friends and their engagement was totally real (despite the terribly phony voiceover)!

Every kiss begins with K?  Usually mine begin with J(ameson).

Have no fear readers.  I will eventually get to see the famous tree before the end of the world.  I’ve got like less than 30* days left  (unless Tina Fey shoots me a text message asking me to go on 2 week cruise around the world) I’ve got plenty of time.

*Woops.   Being that today in November 29th I’ve only got 22 days left.  Looks like it’s time for 2 a days.

Day 36: What? You’ve never seen ________?

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Hey there adoring fans (Michael Smith)!

Have you ever heard this phrase?

Oh my God!  You’ve never seen _____________?!  Are you kidding me?!  What, do you live under a rock?!

You can insert a number of items in this blank, like:

Gone With The Wind, Star Wars, That youtube video of the kid all high on nitrous after he gets a tooth pulled, The Karate Kids, 2 Girls 1 Cup?

Well, that’s happened to me every time someone mentions….

The Goonies

So, in order to embrace my 80’s heritage  (and now have something to contribute when my peers start talking about the stupid Goonies and I feel all left out and stuff) I rented…

If this movie is as good as everyone says it is, I figured I better get it in before the You Know What happens…or doesn’t happen….

Michael J. Fox wasn’t in this movie (as I had hoped…I mean, who makes an 80’s movie without him?)

But guess who was?…

Rudy….Rudy…Rudy…

(and some chick that looks just like Hermione Granger)

And also…

One of the Corey’s!

(He’s the one on the right.  The dude on the left is actually the “quirky” sidekick girl that annoys all of the other characters once her glasses are broken…aka the perfect part written for ME!…only in my version it’s a musical and she tap dances.)

Then there’s that Asian kid who was in Indiana Jones and is really smart and  good  with gadgets (sooo Asian…just kidding…I’m not racist…whatever it’s a compliment).

Then we go into the strangely inappropriate relationship between the “fat kid” and the “sloth.”

It gets weirder…

And weirder…

And you thought Will and Grace was the first outwardly gay couple on TV.  (Well, Will and Grace weren’t gay for each other.  Will was gay for someone else….I can’t remember who…Jack?  No, they weren’t gay for each other…maybe it was that cop…they were super cute together…I digress).

PS:  I was right!

There was a really unattractive Frenchman…

In conclusion, the Goonies was actually really good!  It took me back to the 80’s and to one of my favorite places in the world, Portland Oregon.

Here’s me and my Mom at Cannon Beach from like 5 years ago when I was doing a show…

(Hot! I know…. we’re holding a sand dollar and Ruby’s leash is around my neck…and I’m wearing overalls)

Here’s the Haystack from the movie…

So bring it on fellow children of the 80’s!  Let’s share inside jokes about The Goonies.  I’m not scared.

“Hey you guys!!!”

Day 35: A celebration of my birth…

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Hey there adoring fans (Diane Scacchetti)!

What did I do with one of my last lazy Sundays before the Mayan predicted apocalypse?  First, I broke the Christmas movie seal with Home Alone.  Then I took a 3 hour nap.   Then I watched Liz & Dick on my DVR (I’m lying.  I am embarrassed to admit that I did DVR Liz & Dick, but I haven’t brought myself to watch it…mainly because the title is silly… and Lindsay Lohan is a tool).  Then I realized that I haven’t done anything to plan for the end of the world since my Thanksgiving feast.  So (after pouring myself a glasses of wine), I looked at the Calendar and figured out the best date to plan my EOW/30th Birthday party.

Sarah’s pre-End of the World 30th Birthday Party!

When: Monday, December 17th

Where: You think I’m gonna post an address on the interweb for the whole world (10-12 of people who already know where I live…plus the 3 people from Tanzania that are apparently following my blog) to see?!

Who: All of my awesome friends, family, and chinese food delivery workers that are off on a Monday nights.

“Sarah!  You’re really going to throw the last most awesome party of the world on a Monday?  That sounds like a bad idea.  Wouldn’t you rather do it on a Saturday?  Plus, how’s your love life?”

Alright, theoretical voice.  My love life is none of your business (non existent), and I’ll tell you why I’m throwing it on a Monday.  It’s because almost all of my  friends are employed in one of the following:

1. Theatre (which is off on Mondays)…

(Shout out to the ladies of the Flatrock Playhouse’s production of Chicago!)

2.  Restaurants (where Monday nights are dead, and the people that are not afraid of the world ending won’t lose out on Friday or Saturday night money)…

(I don’t know this person.  I just google imaged waitress.  In my mind her name is Claire and she went to AMDA)

OR

3. Other…

(Do I know her?  No.  Have I been there?  No…well maybe…only on Thursdays…)

To fit all of my friend’s needs I decided a Monday night party would be most conducive for all of the above.

So, to all my dear friends (and people that I don’t really like that much but  I’ll probably invite just in case the people that I do really like can’t make it so I still seem really popular in case Tina Fey shows up) expect an Evite or annoying facebook mass message about the party by the end of the week.  And to all 3 of you readers that I don’t know personally, I’m sorry but I can’t invite you unless you pass a rigorous background check to prove you’re not a serial killer or extreme coupon-er.

Let’s have an awesome time celebrating my birth/EOW just incase this happens…

or this…

or this…

and we’re totally fine!

Day 34: Ready for some pictures of food?

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Hey there adoring fans (Andrew and Sarah Briedis)!

Hey there everybody!   As this is may very well be the last Thanksgiving before we’re sucked into a black hole (or December 22nd will come and we can go back to our happy humdrum lives), I decided to…

Cook my first Thanksgiving Dinner!

Like most of you jolly people, I have contributed a side dish (bottle of wine) or dessert (jello shots) to Thanksgiving dinners in the past, but I had never planned, cooked, and hosted an entire Thanksgiving myself.  I recruited my neighbor Bridget (who had also never cooked Thanksgiving dinner) to help…

We started the day at 1pm with a estimated dinner start time of 6pm.  I learned that planning Thanksgiving dinner is a lot like stage managing a show…a show with lots of booze.

Cheers to a (hopefully, or else we’ll have to call and order Chinese food) successful day!

 Notice our apartment’s autumnal flair leftover from our Oktoberfest (drunken A-holes) party.

Oh no!  Our outfits are so nice.  What if we spill Armond (the Turkey) juice all over ourselves?

I have an idea!

Now it’s time to prep the Turkey.  His name is Armond.  He weighs 13lbs and was raised on a nice farm with his brothers and sisters and died of natural causes and his will and living testament was to be eaten on Thanksgiving by very nice people.

Warning: here come a lot of (mildly entertaining) pictures of food.  If this was a facebook post…I’d stab myself in the eye.

Me and Armond.

Me fingering Armond (relax…it’s a cooking term that means “stick your fingers in the turkey hole then give the “come hither” gesture, you pervs).

Next came the…

brussels sprouts!  Who knew they grew like dingle berries on a stick?

Then…

more wine!

Then gravy…

and more wine…

Then neighbor Bridgette cut the carrots…

look how fancy! (Please don’t cut off your finger neighbor bridget…I’m out of band aids and reaction time).

While her husband Justin peeled potatoes (watched football and drank beer)…

We’re almost there!  Oh, wait.  No we’re not.  Armond is taking longer to cook than recommended  because of stupid New York City ovens.  Looks like we’re not eating at 6…or 7…

The crowd grew impatient…

Just kidding…they were fine (and apparently pensive).

Then Danny (the detective) discovered that the pop up timer was broken.

Eventually… Armond was done!  Danny was the only one with carving experience (was the only one that hadn’t had 3 bottles of wine already and could be trusted with sharp objects) so he carved!

And then the feast began!
(Followed by lots of games, and you guessed it…drinking!)

Look at my marvelous plate of food!

That I continued to enjoy the next morning (hungover)!

Day 33: Halfway to the end (of the world)…

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Hey there adoring fans (Holly Mandel)!

Well, it’s day 33… the halfway point of my journey to the End of the World!

Let’s hope it doesn’t end and we are all totally fine and that I will have to find something else moderately interesting to write about.  I’m going to tell all twelve of you out there about my (hopefully not last) Thanksgiving…but I have to work tonight, so I’ll just give you a little preview…

Day 32: Big a*s balloons…

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Hey there adoring fans (Danny Kelly and Rebecca Stuard)!

Something I’ve been saying I want to do every year on the night before Thanksgiving is…

See the Balloons get blown up for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade!

Now I know this is Day 32, and Day 31 was also about the day before Thanksgiving…but I’ve been busy (you know, with stupid work so that I will have enough money to achieve my other goals…and will have something in the bank in the event that the World doesn’t explode or is taken over by Alien Zombies…or if it is taken over by Alien Zombies I can buy them off with the $24 I have in my savings account) and had to combine a few things

Now back to my story:

The Flat Girls and I hopped on the subway down to 79th and Central Park….

After finding our way through the crazy subway traffic (stupid toddlers walking all slow), we happened upon Papa Smurf!

Here’s me in front of Mr. Kool Aid dude riding a skateboard (Why is he on a skateboard?  I have no idea.  Maybe he took a trip to Brooklyn and found the skateboarding hipsters fascinating…and maybe next year he’ll show up with skinny jeans, quirky glasses, and a beard).

Here I am in front of Charlie Brown.  The funny thing that you’ll notice about getting your photo taken when you’re in the middle of a huge crowd of tourists (and there’s giant stimulation of mildly-rememberable-cartoon-character-balloons), you tend to be photographed next to other people (usually children or annoyingly adorable families) also getting their photos taken.

Here I am with the Pillsbury Dough Boy…

And here I am with my favorite…Santa Claus!

Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone…let’s hope it’s not the last!

Day 32: Thanksgiving continued…

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Hey there adoring fans ( Mom and Dad )!

Previously on SixtySixDaysofSarah…

Twas 2 days before Thanksgiving, when all through the house,

Little Sarah was drinking, she sure was a louse.

The recipes were Pintrested on her computer with care,

this year she would cook her first turkey,

she would have to grow a pair…

To Be Continued….

Then she continued…

‘Twas the day before Thanksgiving, November twenty first,

Little Sarah was so excited she wanted to burst!

See, Sarah knew she had a big task in store,

for she had never cooked Thanksgiving dinner before.

As she entered the Whole Foods on West One Hundreth Street,

Little Sarah grew worried,

it’s been months since she cooked meat.

She gave up vegetarianism for one day this year,

and had chosen a free-range bird that had not lived in fear.

She called the bird Armond, for it only seemed fair,

to name the poor chap and give him plenty gay flair.

Next on the menu was sauteed brussels sprouts,

Rachel Ray had recommended it, though some had their doubts.

This side Rachel swore would make our her meal great,

And if the guests don’t like them whatevs’

Haters gonna hate

 

Now for everyone’s favorite, mashed potatoes, yipee!

Let’s hope the non-dairy version will be as cream-y.

‘Cause there’s no milk, cheese, or butter for poor roommate John,

for they will light his ass on fire and to the toilet he’ll be gone.

Then came the herbs, sage, rosemary, and thyme

they shall be rubbed on Armond, ’cause his boobs be so fine.

The recipe says to rub between the skin and breast,

“that’s what she said!” Sarah bellowed, now back to the quest.

Cranberry sauce, screw it, we’re buying a can,

and for the love of God…

are you there Tina Fey, I’m an effing huge fan!

 This sugar’s expensive, this price is a scam,

let’s go somewhere cheaper,

stop judging, Flat Pam…

Now where is Flat Sarah?

She always get’s lost.

Oh, here she is fella’s

again getting sauced.

It’s back to this list ’cause we still need some yams,

or sweet potatoes or whatever I don’t give a damn.

If you were marshmallows where would you be?

Whatever, we’re leaving ’cause I’ve gotta pee.

Well that about does it for this shopping spree,

hope my good friend Bridget doesn’t kill me!

(it’s not super fun to take 200 pictures of your neighbor while grocery shopping)

Then Sarah came home to the Upper Upper Westside,

 her shopping had been completed, she was glowing with pride.

 Fingers crossed everybody, that her guests will stay living…

and from the bottom of her heart…have a Happy Thanksgiving

Day 31: ‘Twas 2 days before Thanksgiving…

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Hey there adoring fans (KJ, Vexa, Micki, Naomi, Evan, Robin, Nick)!

‘Twas 2 days before Thanksgiving, when all through the house,

Little Sarah was drinking, she sure was a louse.

The recipes were Pintrested on her computer with care,

this year she would cook her first turkey,

so she’d better grow a pair…

To Be Continued…

Day 30: Every thirteen year old girl’s (wet) dream…

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Hey there adoring fans (Carrie Ormond and chefs from the sushi bar last night)!

So, last night I went to see Twilight, Breaking Dawn: Part II.

“Sarah!  Why would you spend one of your last nights on Earth (or any night on Earth for that matter) going to see one of those horrible movies?  You have less than 35 days until December 21st!  You should go see Argo.  My friend saw it and said it was really good and that Ben Affleck might get nominated for best direction,” says every straight guy on the planet.  Well, Mr. Straight guy, first of all you should be more optimistic.  I mean, maybe the world won’t end and we will just have to find a new place to keep the polar bears.  And second…you will never understand why we ladies enjoy Twilight!  You see straight guys…you’ve never been a 13 year old girl (and if you have I apologize as you probably have a lot of surgeries and therapy ahead of you…).  A 13 year old girl that sits around eating cheese puffs, hoping that one day the hottest guy in the world will walk into your high school cafeteria take one look at you and finally understand what the true meaning of love is (despite being alive-ish for over 400 years and meeting tons of slutty undead chicks with bigger boobs than you).  Plus, not only is the guy hot (sparkles in the sunlight and has a body that is literally chiseled), but he’s super sensitive (plays piano and reads poetry) super smart (speaks like 37 different languages and has graduated from highschool like a million times), and is also crazy rich (one can build a mean 401k when you’re around for over 400 years… especially when one will live forever and doesn’t have to worry about health insurance deductables).  So now we have this crazy hot, sensitive, smart, rich, older man and he is into you, the plain, clumsy, artsy, vegetarian, pale girl who likes to read Wuthering Heights (never read it but it seems like a book that someone would read at a hipster coffee bar or while waiting for his/her quinoa to finish cooking…which means it must be cool).  So there you have it. Every chubby/pimply/flat chested girl’s fantasy comes to life in Twilight.  The most amazing male specimen picks the  female underdog.   Oh, and they have crazy sex and wind up with an adorable half human half vampire baby.

So…I took Flat Pam and Flat Sarah to see the final Twilight movie, but since they were only born between 5 and 20 days ago, I had to fill them in the best way I knew how…

From People Magazine…Special Edition…Breaking Dawn…

Now girls, this is who the actress they chose to play Bella, the awkward and plain new girl in town.  Her name is Kristen Stewart.  She takes ridiculously long pauses between sentences while constantly biting her lower lip, and is filled with enough teen angst to put sweatshirts with thumb holes and Tori Amos CD’s out of business.

And this is Robert Patinson.  He is the adorable british actor (who played Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter 4….swoon) that they chose to play Edward, the sexy, sparkly vampire with great hair.   No complaints.  Well, maybe some more shirtless scenes and less scenes with that two-bit floosie Kristen Stew…I mean Bella.

Then we have Jacob, the werewolf…ehh…not important.

You see Flat Pam and Flat Sarah, Robert and Kristen fell in love while filming these movies and became quite the item…

But then Kristen, being the angsty hoe-fo-sho that she is…cheated on poor little Robby with some director guy from some other terrible movie that she did…

And now he’s single…

Just kidding!  He took her back, and now they’re trying to work it out…

just don’t tell Craig…

So Flat Pam and Flat Sarah, now that you’re up to speed, let’s watch this b*tch!

Really Flat Ladies?   Have I taught you nothing?

That’s better!

Day 30: Then he got down on one knee…

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Hey there adoring fans (Erica Sweeny)!

Tonight was a wonderful night!  I got to spend it with my amazing friend Craig.  Craig and I have been friends for about 6 years now.  We’ve had many long and meaningful talks over (many) bottles of wine.  We’ve laughed and cried together. We’ve shared our hopes and dreams with each other.  And tonight, after some candlelit sushi (and sake) my friend Craig got down on one knee….

and gave me a box of business cards…

Yes, tonight ladies, gentlemen, and hobos…I got business cards!

You, see I’ve always wanted to have my own business cards.  What’s that you say?  No, I don’t own a business.  So what?  I can still feel cool handing a little piece of paper to total strangers to make myself feel important (and no, I don’t have issues with needing to feel important, what are you?  my shrink?).  Plus, if s*it goes down on December 21st, I will have extra paper around to take the place of toilet tissue or create a new form of  currency…  “Hey there scary demon from the deepest depths of Hell.  I’ll trade you 14 sixtysixdaysofsarah cards for your source of eternal life.”

I ordered the adorable “mini cards” (for one easy payment of  $19.99) last week, and they arrived today in this snazzy little box…

Since I don’t own a business, I just put the website for the blog on the back of the card (along with my social security number and hair sample).  Hopefully I will get some new fans and maybe some new friends (not that I don’t love my current friends…it just doesn’t hurt to make new friends…you never know when you’re going to have to create an army to fend off space zombies).