Hey there adoring fans (Nisa Ari!)
Previously on SixtySixdaysofSarah, Sarah was having a brain meltdown about whether or not she should be pursuing the idea of being in a relationship or whether she should just settle on 11 cats and a membership to YouPorn Supreme. She was staying in Towson with her friend Kelly and Kelly’s husband Mark. Mark had come down with some strange illness that sent him to the hospital to get fluids the day before and was still feeling like poop (and speaking of poop, lots of it was still coming out of him…in burning hot liquid form). Sarah had a whole day to kill before she was going to see her brother’s improv show that night, and felt bad staying in their house all day while Mark was sleeping (pooping) off this illness, so she had Kelly drive her to the mall on her way to work. Sarah loved malls and knew that while there she should probably come up with something to write a blog about. She first thought about buying a whole new wardrobe that would maybe attract the opposite sex but then remembered that she was as poor as a hobo. So instead she would simply try-on-without-purchasing ideas for a new wardrobe that would turn the fella’s heads and perhaps get her back on track to NOT becoming a cat loving porn enthusiast, and have the store employees take pictures of her so she could put her adventure on her blog. When it was time to set her idea into motion, she ran into 2 problems.
Sarah’s 2 Problems
1. Store employees don’t like to take pictures of you when you say “Hey could you take a picture of me wearing your merchandise so I can make fun of it on the internet.”
2. Mall’s don’t have stores for people over the age of 14 yet under the age of 70.
So Sarah used her improv lessons to get people to take pictures of her shopping at age-inappropriate retailers. These are her stories…
Disclaimer: All of these dialogues totally happened…except for the parts written between two asterisks *which are those things you think of afterwards and are all “Man! I totally should have said ______!”*
Another Disclaimer: Being that I don’t actually know the proper way to use quotation marks, periods, commas, parenthesis, and asterisks, this will be horrifying for any english teachers out there to read. My apologies.
Sarah: “Hi there! I’m sorry to ask, but would you mind taking a picture of me in this? My little sister is in this weird phase where she loves anything with the word “nerd” on it. I know she’s a total weirdo, but she’s currently working *as a mistress* on a cruise ship where she can’t go shopping so I thought I’d send her this pic.”
Sales Girl: “Totally! I love “nerd” stuff too. *Is her cruise ship hiring? I could use some help paying for beauty school*. And those solar system leggings are adorable on you! Are you thinking of getting them?”
S: “Ok, I know this is silly, but would you mind taking my picture? My niece always drags me into this store and insists that I would look “sick” wearing these clothes, and I always tell her ‘Chloe, Aunty Clara is way too old to wear these clothes’ and her 14th birthday is tomorrow so I want to send her a picture of how silly I look *along with a glow in the dark tongue ring*.”
SG: “Are you kidding?! You can so wear these clothes! Age is only a number and you look HOT! And guess what? That dress is on sale for $12 and it’s the only one left! *Plus we have two for one tongue rings if you’d like, I can pierce your tongue with my spiked choker or snakelike gaze*“
S: “Hey ladies, would one of you mind taking a picture of me? My best friend is getting married and all of my friends are in Cancun right now celebrating but I couldn’t go because my passport expired, *and I’m a serial killer*.”
Then I took a short hydration break at Starbucks and ran into these two teenage girls…
…and then tried to remember how I used to be able to fit into shorts like that and still had angst? I can tell you right now that I wouldn’t give a rats ass about my non-existent love life, poverty streak, or lack of health insurance if I could still fit in some size zero cut-offs from…
Maybe if I invested in some clothes from there all of my problems would disappear? I went right on in grabbed some sensible size 6 jean shorts and a A & F baseball cap and headed for the dressing room. All was going well until my endocrine system maxed out on the cologne fumes. Apparently a person over the age of twenty can only last 7 minutes in that place before the inevitable…
Disclaimer: I don’t know what an endocrine system is.
I learned my lesson. Old people size 6 and up need not visit these teenie bopping stores. I had a new plan…
SG: ”Now isn’t that a great look?!”
S: “Oh thanks. Would you mind taking my picture? I’m an actress and have an audition next week where I have to play a suburban housewife in the late 60′s and I need my agent to approve an outfit.”
SG: “Oh that’s just wonderful! Have I seen you in anything on TV?”
S: “Oh probably not. Unless you watch Guiding light. I did some background work for them a few years back and once they gave me a few lines as a swarthy bartender.”
SG: “Oh how wonderful. I can hold this outfit for you if you’d like. You know, once you hear back from that agent person.”
S: “Oh that won’t be necessary, I should be hearing back from him any second *unless of course, he died on the table*.”
All in all a good day of improvising and an interesting day of shopping. I just had one more stop to pick out something a little sexy…
S: “Hi there, would you mind taking a picture of me. My mother and I are picking out a little something for my aunt and are not sure which size to go with.”
SG: “We’re not really supposed to take pictures in the store.”
S: “Oh, I’m sorry. My aunt just had triplets and is feeling really insecure about her body. We just thought this would cheer her up.”
SG: “Awww. That is really sweet. She shouldn’t feel bad, she just had 3 babies. God bless her. Sure, I’ll take a picture. Just don’t tell my boss.”
S: “*Well it’s too late now. You’re on undercover bosses and now I must deal with you on National television. How would you like to die? Lethal injection or we could go Hunger Games style with a human meat grinder?*”
Disclaimer: Never tak pics in the dressing room at Victorias Secret. Everything is really effing pink and you will look like an aunt-loving oompa loompa.
I’d like to thank the employees of Towson Town Center Mall for their help with this post, and if the manager of Victoria’s Secret happens to read this, my apologies and please don’t fire Sherri. She was a wonderful help and had an affinity for baby makers.
Now off to my best friend Mary’s wedding! I’m sure I’ll have tons to report. Peace!
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