Hey there adoring fans (Tori Blontz Saffran)!
As most of you adoring fans out there know (Disclaimer: I know I owe a bunch of you out there your adoring fan debut, and I swear I’ll get to you, and if I don’t, I promise to have a big party where everyone that I missed can gather together and punch me in the urethra…how’s that sound? Oh, and PS: the best way to become an adoring fan is by leaving a fabulous comment about how skinny and clear skinned I look on Facebook. Not that I have vanity issues…oh shut up, what are you my therapist?…oh no, you couldn’t be because I don’t have health insurance and can only afford to get therapy and life advice from fortune cookies! And only the fortune cookies given out between 11:30am and 4:30pm Monday – Thursday when there’s a lunch special because otherwise that s*it is expensive! Now where was I before I started this quickly digressing parenthesis rant? Oh right) at my last wedding a few weeks ago, I fell into a vicious tailspin over thinking about the whole relationships vs. being alone forever deal that f*cked with my head for a few days, hugely because I once again didn’t have a date to said wedding. Luckily, for my best friend Mary’s wedding last weekend, I was blessed to have my 2 big brothers-from-another-mother, and favorite couple of all time, Michael and Craig there by my side for the entire weekend. I had an amazing time and came up with the #1 best piece of advice for attending a wedding…
Sarah’s #1 Best Piece of Advice for Attending a Wedding…
Go with your gays!
Sarah’s Reasons for Why Her #1 Best Piece of Advice For Attending a Wedding is to go With Your Gays…
1. Six hands are better than two when it comes to zipping a dress and smoothing over back fat.
2. Your dates are more well groomed, hotter, and better smelling than the entire midwest.
3. Your dates listen when you say that your up-do is very Jessie Spano from Saved By the Bell Prom episode…
but then lovingly advise you that it is really more Jessie Spano from Showgirls.
4. You finally have not one but two people to dance with when the Dj says those usually haunting words: “Now the bride and groom would like to invite everyone to join them on the dance floor” Added Bonus: you get the most dapper dancers in the room!
Mary (Beautiful Bride) Craig (Gorgeous Gay)
Me (Bearable Bridesmaid) Michael (Gorgeous Gay)
5. You have a posse behind you when you decide to steal the boxed wine from the rehearsal dinner to bring back to your hotel room…
6. Being that most of the groomsmen are not regularly around gay men, your dates show them that not all homosexuals wear pink tuxedos and give out “handy’s” in the bathroom. In turn, all groomsmen profess their adoration to your dates with a “bro shot”!
7. Because your dates are constantly hitting the gym, you have two handsome (although extremely tired) body guards there to protect you while you wait for your bus to the airport at 3:40am the next morning.
In conclusion. Forget about bringing boyfriends, fiancés, or even husbands to your next wedding. Go with gays and you will always have an amazing time!
**Disclaimer: this theory has not been tested south of the Mason Dixon line. My apologies for any hate crimes in advance.
*If any of you would like to subscribe to my blog to get alerted when I write new posts so that you don’t have to rely on Facebook or that batman like shadow that I post in the sky, please do. I think there’s a ‘subscribe’ button somewhere.*