Day 246: My Subconscious made me do it…

Hey there adoring fans (Katie Hoffman)!

It’s been two weeks since my last post: Day 227: R.I.P Tv and life has been great!  I’ve lost 10lbs!  The world is my oyster!  Yesterday, it rained one-hundred dollar bills!  Ok, ok.  You caught me.  I did not lose 10lbs, and One-hundred dollar bills did not fall from the sky (although a pigeon did try to kill me, but that’s a story for another day).  I never realized how much I really was addicted to watching Tv.  It’s like crystal meth for soccer moms, or bacon for my  best friend Mary.  Luckily, I have a sponsor that I can call when I’m really itching for a fix who loves Tv maybe even more than I do (which is probably not the best quality in a sponsor…AA would frown upon this…if AA read my blog…which they probably don’t…because I talk about booze so much that you could lick your computer screen right now and it would probably taste like cheap pinot noir…and because AA is an organization and not a real person with eyeballs and the ability to pass judgement on quarter life crisis blogs).  So,  I had a date with my sponsor Craig (one half of the gay duo featured in Day 203: My first Threesome!) last week and he surprised me with a new way to fill my Tv-less time…


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He picked me up a copy of his new favorite book.

You are a Badass:

How to stop doubting your greatness and start living an awesome life.

by Jen Sincero

This book is great!  Let me rephrase that…. Pages 1 through 87 of this book are great and I’m totally going to read the whole thing!  I only feel mildly judged when reading this book on the train with it’s super huge, self-helpy title on the cover.  The author is right up my ally (she says fuck all of the time) and the first topic discussed in the book talks about the stuff that I wanted to dive into for my next blog post, which is…

Chapter 1: My subconscious made me do it.

As I’ve been trying to, Live as Successful Sarah (as depicted on Day 221: Life on the Upper Yeast Side), I’ve noticed some obstacles that I’ve been having a hard time overcoming. It seems that said obstacles are caused by beliefs that my subconscious has made up based on information I received as a young-in.   Jen, the author (I’m on a first name basis with her because I believe that if I ran into on a subway platform we would probably have quick banter about how fucking slow the trains are on the weekends, and people that have frivolous conversation on subway platforms are allowed to call one another by their first names) suggests an exercise to try to figure out what kinds of hang ups you have going on in your noggin…

“Take a minute to look at some of the less-than-impressive areas of your life and think about the underlying beliefs that could have created them.  Let’s take the old crowd-pleaser, lack of money, for example.  Are you making far less money than you know you’re capable of earning?  Have you reached a certain income level that, no matter what you do you can’t seem to go above?  Does generating an abundance of money consistently seem like something you’re not even physically capable of?  If so, write down the first five things that come to your mind when you think about money.  Is your list full of hope and bravado or fear and loathing?  What are your parents’ beliefs about money?  What are the beliefs of the other people you grew up around?  What was their relationship with money?  Do you see any connection between their money and yours?”

My list:

1.  I will never-ever have enough money.

2.  People are disappointed with others that have less money because people with less money are not smart enough to receive and take care of an abundance of money.

3.  If I ever receive an abundance of money I should spend and enjoy it right away before it’s gone.

4.  I do not do anything worthy enough to make more than enough money.

5.  Money ruins Christmas.

Damn! I have and always have had a horrible relationship with money.  Why?  My parents had a horrible relationship with money.  And at least some of their parents did too…and then their parents…and then I’m pretty sure my great-great grand parents were cousins so I’m totally fucked.  As a kid the only things I knew about money were that it didn’t grow on trees, there was never enough to go around, and  people that had money were mean, selfish and thought they were better than everyone else.  And oh yeah, it ruined Christmas.  I remember my Dad telling me not to ask for a lot of things for Christmas because we couldn’t afford it, and I could see the stress in my Mom’s heart when we went Christmas shopping, but inevitably we would get everything we wanted because our parents wanted us to be as fortunate as all of the other kids even if that meant that they never bought gifts for each other, or that we had to eat McDonalds everyday for the next 3 months.  God bless ’em.  And I should add that my parents are amazing.  Despite my few flaws, I’m a lovely well rounded human being with clear-ish skin and strong bones.  And tons of my subconscious fucked-upness comes from society and early experiences as it’s all intertwined in my general up-bringing that begins with my childhood and expands to my teenage years.

Other things I’m subconsciously fucked up about and reasoning that I have justified said fucked-upness with:


You have to clean because you are messy.  Being messy means you are a terrible person.  Therefore cleaning enforces how terrible of a person you are.  So don’t do it.


If you fall in love with someone they will dump you and it will hurt.  If you don’t fall in love with someone who falls in love with you, you will dump them and it will hurt.  Therefore relationships hurt.


Eating food makes you fat.  Fat people are terrible people who are frowned upon by society.  Therefore you should always feel bad after eating food.


Naps are rewards for working hard.  Therefore if you’ve done any work today (even if that work was flossing) you deserve a nap.  If you can’t fall asleep because you are not tired from flossing, just lay there for 3 hours.  That counts.


The same thing as napping.

Having nice things: 

You can’t afford nice things nor can you take care of them even if you could afford them.  Instead of buying one nice item worth one hundred dollars, buy 7 times worth twenty dollars and throw them on the floor after using them.


Your brother is good at math.  You didn’t even realize that spending $20 on 7 things is way more than spending $100 on one thing.  Don’t try math, you will fail.

Sense of Direction:

The same thing as Math.


Dogs are awesome and make everything better.  Always have at least one dog but no more than 5 dogs.

So there we go.  A bunch of stuff that I’ve now recognized and need to unlearn.   Doesn’t sound too hard does it?

Day 199: Beauty is in the Mall of the beholder….

Hey there adoring fans (Nisa Ari!)

Previously on SixtySixdaysofSarah, Sarah was having a brain meltdown about whether or not she should be pursuing the idea of being in a relationship or whether she should just settle on 11 cats and a membership to YouPorn Supreme.  She was staying in Towson with her friend Kelly and Kelly’s husband Mark.  Mark had come down with some strange illness that sent him to the hospital to get fluids the day before and was still feeling like poop (and speaking of poop, lots of it was still coming out of him…in burning hot liquid form).  Sarah had a whole day to kill before she was going to see her brother’s improv show that night, and felt bad staying in their house all day while Mark was sleeping (pooping) off this illness, so she had Kelly drive her to the mall on her way to work.  Sarah loved malls and knew that while there she should probably come up with something to write a blog about.  She first thought about buying a whole new wardrobe that would maybe attract the opposite sex but then remembered that she was as poor as a hobo.  So instead she would simply try-on-without-purchasing ideas for  a new wardrobe that would turn the fella’s heads and perhaps get her back on track to NOT becoming a cat loving porn enthusiast, and have the store employees take pictures of her so she could put her adventure on her blog.  When it was time to set her idea into motion, she ran into 2 problems.

Sarah’s 2 Problems

1.  Store employees don’t like to take pictures of you when you say “Hey could you take a picture of me wearing your merchandise so I can make fun of it on the internet.”


2.  Mall’s don’t have stores for people over the age of 14 yet under the age of 70.

So Sarah used her improv lessons to get people to take pictures of her shopping at age-inappropriate retailers.  These are her stories…

Disclaimer: All of these dialogues totally happened…except for the parts written between two asterisks *which are those things you think of afterwards and are all “Man! I totally should have said ______!”*

Another Disclaimer: Being that I don’t actually know the proper way to use quotation marks, periods, commas, parenthesis,  and asterisks, this will be horrifying for any english teachers out there to read.  My apologies.

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Sarah: “Hi there!  I’m sorry to ask, but would you mind taking a picture of me in this?  My little sister is in this weird phase where she loves anything with the word “nerd” on it.  I know she’s a total weirdo, but she’s currently working *as a mistress* on a cruise ship where she can’t go shopping so I thought I’d send her this pic.”

2013-07-08 13.14.55Sales Girl: “Totally!  I love “nerd” stuff too.  *Is her cruise ship hiring?  I could use some help paying for beauty school*.  And those solar system leggings are adorable on you! Are you thinking of getting them?”

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S: “Ok, I know this is silly, but would you mind taking my picture?  My niece always drags me into this store and insists that I would look “sick” wearing these clothes, and I always tell her ‘Chloe, Aunty Clara is way too old to wear these clothes’ and her 14th birthday is tomorrow so I want to send her a picture of how silly I look *along with a glow in the dark tongue ring*.”

SG: “Are you kidding?!  You can so wear these clothes!  Age is only a number and you look HOT!  And guess what?   That dress is on sale for $12 and it’s the only one left!  *Plus we have two for one tongue rings if you’d like, I can pierce your tongue with my spiked choker or snakelike gaze*

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S: “Hey ladies, would one of you mind taking a picture of me?  My best friend is getting married and all of my friends are in Cancun right now celebrating but I couldn’t go because my passport expired, *and I’m a serial killer*.”

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Then I took a short hydration break at Starbucks and ran into these two teenage girls…

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…and then tried to remember how I used to be able to fit into shorts like that and still had angst?  I can tell you right now that I wouldn’t give a rats ass about my non-existent love life, poverty streak, or lack of health insurance if I could still fit in some size zero cut-offs from…

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Maybe if I invested in some clothes from there all of my problems would disappear?  I went right on in grabbed some sensible size 6 jean shorts and a A & F baseball cap and headed for the dressing room.  All was going well until my endocrine system maxed out on the cologne fumes.  Apparently a person over the age of twenty can only last 7 minutes in that place before the inevitable…

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Disclaimer: I don’t know what an endocrine system is.

I learned my lesson.  Old people size 6 and up need not visit these teenie bopping stores.  I had a new plan…

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SG:  ”Now isn’t that a great look?!”

S: “Oh thanks.  Would you mind taking my picture?  I’m an actress and have an audition next week where I have to play a suburban housewife in the late 60′s and I need my agent to approve an outfit.”

SG: “Oh that’s just wonderful!  Have I seen you in anything on TV?”

S: “Oh probably not.  Unless you watch Guiding light.  I did some background work for them a few years back and once they gave me a few lines as a swarthy bartender.”

SG: “Oh how wonderful.  I can hold this outfit for you if you’d like.  You know, once you hear back from that agent person.”

S: “Oh that won’t be necessary, I should be hearing back from him any second *unless of course, he died on the table*.”

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All in all a good day of improvising and an interesting day of shopping.  I just had one more stop to pick out something a little sexy…

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S: “Hi there, would you mind taking a picture of me.  My mother and I are picking out a little something for my aunt and are not sure which size to go with.”

SG: “We’re not really supposed to take pictures in the store.”

S: “Oh, I’m sorry.  My aunt just had triplets and is feeling really insecure about her body.  We just thought this would cheer her up.”

SG: “Awww.  That is really sweet.  She shouldn’t feel bad, she just had 3 babies.  God bless her.  Sure, I’ll take a picture.  Just don’t tell my boss.”

S: “*Well it’s too late now.  You’re on undercover bosses and now I must deal with you on National television.  How would you like to die?  Lethal injection or we could go Hunger Games style with a human meat grinder?*

Disclaimer: Never tak pics in the dressing room at Victorias Secret.  Everything is really effing pink and you will look like an aunt-loving oompa loompa.

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I’d like to thank the employees of Towson Town Center Mall for their help with this post, and if the manager of Victoria’s Secret happens to read this, my apologies and please don’t fire Sherri.  She was a wonderful help and had an affinity for baby makers.

Now off to my best friend Mary’s wedding!  I’m sure I’ll have tons to report.  Peace!

*If any of you would like to subscribe to my blog to get alerted when I write new posts so that you don’t have to rely on Facebook or that batman like shadow that I post in the sky, please do.  I think there’s a ‘subscribe’ button somewhere.*

Day One hundred and twenty something: Beauty and the B-cup

Hey there adoring fans (Kelly Cwalina McKew!)

Happy 4th of July!  I mean 8th of July …sorry, time flies when you’re going to die alone.   I know…I know!  I take it back…a little.  But with the week I’ve had it’s been all I can think about.  Last Wednesday, I packed my bag (and my dog) for nearly a full week’s vacation.  4th of July, here I come!  Which was perfect timing because New York City and her restaurants are completely dead during the summer holidays, as the rich folks are headed to the Hamptons and the poor folks are headed to the free beaches that are filled with Hep C.  My family was going to be at our beloved Rivah (that’s how people in the south pronounce river) house for the fireworks and I really wanted to see my grandma as she was beginning to become more and more forgetful (Gold star, yet single tear for those of you that have read my last post and recognize that unfortunately my grandma had passed 2 weeks prior to the trip…still it was a great time to be down with my parents, bro, aunt, uncles, and cousins to celebrate the wonderful life that my grandma had had).  One of my higshchool friends was getting married on the 6th in Baltimore, and as luck would have it my brother has his Improv 101 showcase tonight in Baltimore as well (even more props if you remember that I signed my bro’ski up for improv classes to help with his social skills…you’re totes winning you loyal readers!)    So it has been a jam packed week of fun, but with me, I can’t have too much fun with out analyzing everything that’s happening around me.  So as I sit here at my friend Kelly’s house in Towson and hear the sorrowful groans of her husband in the next bedroom (as he has been peeing out of his butthole for the last 72 hours…big shout out to Mark McKew!) I have come to realize that what has been bothering me this whole vacay is how everyone around me seems to be in a relationship.  I’ve always been aware of the fact that 80% of the people I hang out with are in relationships, but I guess living in New York City takes the edge off.  There are millions of us living on one tiny island (totally made up population count) so I see single people around me all of the time (only half of whom are probably serial killers) but when you spend the week between family vacation…

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and weddings…

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and Clueless marathons on MTV…

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   You start to realize that although you know you are a strong independent woman…you are single…and 30.

Being a single lady has never really bothered me terribly much.  After all, Beyonce did write a song on it (which is only pertinent until Prince Charming  “puts a ring on it”).  I date a little (and I do mean little) here and there and it’s  fun for a bit and as time goes by things fade out.  I’ve always been a big believer in the fact that my life is pretty cool and unless someone is going to make my life better than pretty cool then why bother.  This week, however, has shaken me a little.  Relationships as far as the eye can effing see!!!  In some of the relationships, the two people were happy.  They were partners in the great journey of life.  Best friends.  A pod of peas.  Comrades.

Please vomit over Exhibit A:

My cousin Jessica and her husband Garren.


  And some relationships made me less than inclined to join the “taken” team.  I saw husbands/boyfriends/partners treating their significant others (and sometimes the general public) like a big sack of crap-potatoes.

Exhibit B:

‘Nough said.

But in every case I could feel these people, for better or worse, content with their partners and moving forward with their lives together.  Even a few of them are starting families.  Yes, I’m still crazy ole’ Sarah who’s fun to be around…

Just ask my Dad!

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or this bottle of Diet 7 up!

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or my friend Kelly!

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Ok…don’t ask Kelly….she’s still mad that I haven’t made her an adoring fan yet…until she reads this post…and cries with joy…and doesn’t complain about taking me to the bus station at 1am…

But I’m not the most important person in anyone’s life.  Except Ruby.  My dog.  That just stared at me while licking her butthole as I’m typing this post.  And then I feel like I’m in a Horcrux.  No.  That can’t be right.  I think that’s Harry Potter.  Debating weather or not you are ok to be alone for the rest of your life should not be decided while drinking Carona’s in the afternoon.  Don’t judge me.  I’m still on vacation until tomorrow…when I will go back to drinking at a more reasonable hour.  I’m in a conundrum?  Oh what the Hell…I’m in a pickle.  I’m 30.  I’m moderately attractive, with a decent personality and a full B-cup***.  I love my friends and family very much and I know they love and care about me.  But then there’s that little voice in my head… “Should I be actively pursuing the chance to be the most important person in the world to someone?  Maybe actually bring a date to a wedding for once in my adult life?  Have I been purposely pushing people away because I am worried to have someone mean more to me than I mean to myself?  If it was meant to be wouldn’t it have happened?  Am I taking back women kind 50 years by possibly hoping to find someone that will take me to the hospital when I’ve been peeing out of my butthole for 72 hours?”

 I just don’t know.  And maybe I never will….but now that I got that all off with my chest, be sure to stay tuned for how I spent the next 4 hours making myself feel better by playing improv at the mall…

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***Since writing this post I received a lot of lovely feedback from friends telling me how great I am, and I know, I know!   I am pretty awesome so I shouldn’t have down graded my good qualities.  What I should have said was that I’m smokin’ hot, with a better-than-Zoe-Deschanel personality, and a nearly C cup size (when I have period boobs).  

Thanks J-Pack!