Vday romp: Screw Victoria and listen to Sarah’s Secret…

Hey there adoring fans (Susan Hicks)!

A Post-Valentine’s Proclamation.

   Readers, it’s time I let you in on what’s really been going on in my boudoir.  First thing’s first…I’m a fun gal!  I’m usually up for anything.  I try new things, revive oldies but goodies, conduct experiments to pull off the spectacular, etc… but I’m having a slight problem.  There’s something in particular that I’ve always wanted to enjoy in the bedroom, but haven’t found it quite ‘the rage’ that people have let on to it being.  I’ve tried it a few times now and it still seems rather uncomfortable and quite honestly…pointless. And this is coming from someone who can make herself like anything!  Case in point: olives.  I used to hate olives because I thought they smelled the way that pee tasted…if I had ever tasted pee.  Then I discovered martinis, an adorable cocktail that made my vodka cranberries look amateur.  If I was going to make martinis my bitch, I had to learn to like olives (and don’t give me that “with a twist” BS, we all know the real sexiness of a martini is the dirtiness, not a slightly bent lemon rind).  So I did it, I made myself eat olives everyday for 2 weeks, and now I love olives (and look f’ing awesome waiting for my pretend date to arrive at bars).  But what I am speaking of today, oh devout followers of mine, is definitely not a mere olive, because I’ve tried and tried and am still left with no martini.  Which begs the question, is it me?  Am I to blame?  Did I choose the wrong position? Or the wrong size?  What if it’s too big or even worse… too small?  Or maybe it’s “just the right” size, and it is my shape that is “off”.  After all of the recent less than admiral results, I phoned my mother to ask her experience. She insisted to keep trying as I am an adult woman now, and need to grow up.  “A true Hicks woman is queen of her castle and that all starts with the bedroom!”  After all, she had been doing it since she was a teenager.    But I’ve had enough!  Today, I’m speaking out.  I will no longer remain silent on such an important issue.   Because on this day, February 15th, 2014, I shall proclaim the truth so that generations to come will know what’s really going on… and what’s really going on is…that… FLAT SHEETS ARE STUPID AND POINTLESS AND SHOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN INVENTED IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

I mean, come on!

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There I’ve said it.  Have a nice day.

2 thoughts on “Vday romp: Screw Victoria and listen to Sarah’s Secret…

  1. We don’t use the flat sheet at all. Quilt all the way! Flat sheets hang around waiting to be turned into pillowcases when the old ones wear out.

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