Hey there adoring fans (Jeff Kuhr)!
Here’s how it goes in New York City:
Unless you are rich. Or are married to someone rich. Or have rich parents. Or have a creepy rich gentleman friend interested in supporting your “career.” Or look exactly like and have the same name as a rich person that has either died or fled the country. Or live in Brooklyn.
You live with roommates.
And I love having roommates! I especially love my 2 roommates that I’m lucky enough to share my beautiful apartment with. I love coming home and hearing about what crazy things they had been up to that day. What weird illegal non-domestic animals they came across on the C train. Whether or not they got yelled at by a hobo. What that hobo was wearing (that’s the first thing you ask when any hobo story comes up. Person A: “Well, he was wearing a pink snow suit and carried a Casio Keyboard.” Person B “Oh, you mean Cassandron! Did he play you his artistically enhanced version of Chop Sticks?” Person A “No, he just smiled at me while he took a dump in his pants.” Person B “You win some, you lose some.”) You know, the usual things you talk about with your roommates. I am a super social person and I really do love having roommates. BUT, once every 8 months or so, I have a night where both of my roommates are out of town, and (because of unusual circumstances) do not have to work. I weighed my options. Sure, I could go out. After all, it is a beautiful Saturday night in New York City. Or I could stay home. In my apartment. With ABSOLUTELY NO ONE AROUND….FOR A FULL 24 HOURS! I think you’ll gather by my use of Caps Lock here which option I chose….
Sarah’s Much Needed Saturday Night Home Alone!
I know this is probably quite obvious to all of you out there, but just to be clear… whenever you are absolutely positive that you’re going to be Home Alone with no interruptions the first thing you absolutely must do upon entering your apartment is…
REMOVE YOUR PANTS!!
Ok. You caught me. You kids are so smart. The actual first thing you should do is call your friend Rebecca to come over and take pictures of you being 100% alone in your apartment.
Now that you’ve rid yourself of those super restrictive pants you’re ready to do the official SixtySixDaysofSarah Home Alone Security Inspection, (Copyright pending)(and judging by what I’ve heard about the Home Alone Franchise the prognoses is not good…I mean, they made like 8 (exaggeration) more movies with some other weirdo kid after Macaulay Culkin got pubes…because they are money hungry bastards who don’t know the true meaning of Christmas…I digress…). My Home Alone Inspection process only involves One Step: Uncover the most crucial hiding spot for all boogie men/serial killers/old timey ghosts/space zombies… the shower!!! So grab your ferocious at home security assistant and check it out.
All clear! But to be on the safe side, make sure to turn on every light and TV in the apartment until your roomies return (and then ignore their questions when the electric bill arrives. After all, safety first)!
Time to slip into something a little more comfortable. After all, it’s going to be a long night of independent fun…but not in the gross way you’re thinking…pervs… Here is a perfect example of a quintessential Home Alone outfit.
Yes, that is a T-shirt with Ron Burgundy’s portrait on it. Yes, that is a Pabst Blue Ribbon Headband. Yes, those are men’s tighty whities…don’t be mad…they are surprisingly comfortable. Yes, that is my back side in the mirror behind me, I didn’t plan it that way but you’re welcome. And yes, those are some underpants on the floor that I should have probably picked up before having this picture taken, but I have a very important rule about Home Alone day…PICK UP NOTHING!
Next, it’s time to set up an Afghan picnic!
No no no! It’s not what you’re thinking, you racists. When I’m Home Alone I enjoy ordering in and having an indoor picnic on this colorful blanket that my grandma made for me…and so does Ruby.
And don’t forget dessert.
Before we really get down to the most important part of being Home Alone (watching TV), it’s time to play a little game that we in our apartment call “Hide the Headshot.” You see, for the last 6 years or so, we’ve made an official game of headshot hiding. All you need to play is a cut out picture of your face and your imagination. The object of the game is to hide your headshot in a clever place in your roommate’s room that they may not find for a little while. You can’t be too obvious. That way in 3 months or so, you’ll hear a scream coming from their room followed by the phrase “Well played Sarah! Well played!” It’s a very fun game and I encourage you all at home to give it a whirl.
Here’s an example:
Now, I didn’t actually hide my headshot there because my roommate Abby is an avid reader of my blog (as all of you A-holes out there should be!) and documenting my actual hiding space would take away from the fun.
Now that all of the essentials are taken care of, it’s time to get down to the best part of Home Alone-ness. No it’s not porn! Jeez. We’ve got a lot of pervs reading today. Besides, I already told you that it’s TV watching! Just watching the tube and drinking wine in your underwear all night long…Mmmm.
I started off with a marathon of Criminal Minds on Ion…
Then once it got too scary and I realized that my only protection was a 12 lb dog in a pizza coma and that I looked an awful lot like that dead child on the right when I was growing up, and that it’s been a few hours since I checked behind the shower curtain…
I changed the channel!
And wonder why on earth The Sponge Bob Square Pants Movie is on the Independent Film Channel?
So there it is.
In conclusion, there’s nothing like being Home Alone and 30. I never want to clean up after myself, drink out of a glass, or put toilet paper back on the roll again! But alas, the day is over and now it’s time to go back to civilization, with underwear made for women…and those pesky pants.
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