Day 68: And then there was thirty-seven dollars…

Hey there adoring fans (Dewey Caddell)!

And then there’s that one day when you look at your bank account and only have 37 dollars to your name.  You think…

“Wow Sarah.  30 years old and all you have to show for it is these measly 37 dollars.  It looks like your hitting life right out of the park!”

 And it’s not like you are going to have only $37 forever.  In fact, you’re waiting on some unemployment money and picking up a few checks tomorrow.  Plus you are working at a rowdy bar on 5th Avenue on St. Patricks day where you are sure to make some sweet cash in-between dodging the bar fights and underage vomitting.  Then you take a second to re-read everything you’ve written in this post so far and think to yourself that you might want to take a look at your career path.  You consider that maybe if you went back to the way things were and you had a Musical gig lined up like your roommate John, you wouldn’t need to worry about your 37 dollar dilemma because starting on Monday you would be working a solid 36 hours a week tap dancing, receiving health insurance, and rolling in a steady paycheck for $800 or so dollars a week while subletting your apartment in Manhattan.  Plus, once the show goes up you’d only be working 24 hours a week and have plenty of free time to go to the gym and be all skinny again.   But as you take a sip of tea (wine) out of your “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying” coffee mug,  you remember that the last time you did a show you had more fun being silly in the dressing room and playing practical jokes on the cast then you did performing your ensemble track.  But at least you had money.  Well, not that much money.  You had lots ‘o money when you were on Broadway, but that only lasted a year and you spent all of it on steak dinners, Betsy Johnson dresses, and taxis.  Then you get a little bit happier about the fact that you no longer eat meat because tofu is way less expensive than a steak dinner.  But then you have become counter productive yet again because you remember that you could easily go to the McDonald’s and pick up like 7 burgers for 99 cents but anything tofu based is at least 8 dollars…plus you have to go home and cook it…then you remember that your only good pan is in the dishwasher and then think that you should probably have more than one decent pan to cook with and start shopping online for pans but then are reminded about the $37 dollar budget that you have for the next 36 hours and get sad all over again.  Then you make a list (because that’s what you like to do, and let’s face it, you need some inexpensive cheering up right now)  about all the things that could happen to you in the next 36 hours that require more than 37 dollars.

Possible  things that could happen in the next 36 hours that would require more than $37

Living Social offers a $39 dollar deal where you receive a bottle of Pinot Noir…everyday…for life.

A mysterious stranger has lost his wallet and needs $38 for a cab ride home to his mansion inside the Statue of Liberty and is willing to trade you his beach house in Fiji  for that $38 cab fare but only if you have exactly 38 dollars.

Your dog swallows a mousetrap.

Your agent calls you with an audition for a Colgate commercial but you can’t afford the Crest 3D Whitestrips to erase the evidence of last nights Pinot Noir extravaganza…then wonder if Colgate has a cheaper version of whitening strips and if they did, why haven’t you heard of them?  Maybe it’s not worth going to this audition after all.  Sounds like Colgate needs to get their s*it together anyway.

Your dog swallows a clock radio.

You get invited by a well known ex-rapper to an exclusive dinner party where Missy Misdemeanor Elliott performs her One-Night-Only-I’m-out-of-retirement-and-singing-“I Can’t-Stand-the-Rain”-for-all-of-my-adoring-fans-that-were-obsessed-with-that-song-in-middle-school and you realize that your black garbage bag dress is still at the tailors with a steep up charge of $40 from when you spilled cocktail sauce on it at your last ex-rapper dinner party.

Your dog swallows a chocolate fountain.

The “Hey! You have a face that kind of looks like Tapanga from the popular 90’s teen sitcom Boy Meets World” contest is taking place on the Upper West Side with a $40 entrance fee and the grand prize is a date with the kid who played Minkus who is surprisingly hot and rich now*

Your dog swallows your 37 dollars.

If any of these things happened before I picked up my paycheck tomorrow, I would be super sad.  I hate how money dictates my life.  I guess maybe the answer is that I should not let money dictate my life.  That’s it.  Ok, I’m glad we talked this out.  Bring it in for a hug.  I’m going to borrow a buck from my roommate and take a cab to a very exclusive mansion inside the Statue of Liberty.

*I know you all just googled Minkus from Boy Meets World.

 minkus

*He is not hot now.

2 thoughts on “Day 68: And then there was thirty-seven dollars…

  1. Dude. I love u as a performer you are amazing. But you are a ridiculous writter. So bloody good. And u are AlWAYS right on. 37 dollars won’t be your balance for long. I feel like something bad ass is coming to u.

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