Hey there adoring fans (Erika Level 2)!

A Public Service Announcement.

Sometimes life hands you lemons.  Sometimes you use those lemons to make lemonade, or to help you get the red wine stains out of your night shirt.  Today’s life lemon was handed to me by Trader Joe’s.

I shop at Trader Joe’s for the same reason as everyone else…because it makes you a good person.  You see, when we give Trader Joe’s our patronage, we are supporting fair trade (we give money to Trader Joe’s, Trader Joe’s gives a handful of beads and a tall boy of Heineken to the indians, and in return we all get delicious food at a reasonable price…everyone wins!).  99% of the time, the food is wonderful…and 99% ain’t too shabby.  Years of scientific research (that one episode of Friends) tells us that condoms work 99% of the time.  Well, call me Rachel Green, cause today I experienced the Trader Joe’s 1% that nobody wants to experience.  These seemingly awesome salmon burgers bamboozled me!

At Trader Joe’s you can get 4 salmon burger patties made with delicious and nutritious pink alaskan salmon, which promise* to fill you with protein, Omega 3’s, and a shiny coat for a mere $5.99.  What they don’t promise* is any possibility of cooking them….because they are frozen together with an effing piece of paper in the middle!

Surgeon General’s Warning:

Do not attempt to eat these if you are hungry.  There is absolutely no way to separate a single patty from the paper.  Trust me, I tried everything….

I ran them under some luke warm water…

Which only made the outside the texture of  a really sloshy winter mud puddle, whilst the inside remained frozen solid to the skank-ass paper.

Then I threw it in the microwave for a few seconds…which did nothing but make the outside mushier and the inside more content on being frozen to the piece turd-blanket paper.

Then I decided to just eat a slice of pizza and wait it out.  Certainly it would thaw eventually.  To speed up the process, I used my gift for inventions (side note: the pictures below demonstrate how not so good I am with my new picture editor…I guess my career at Pixar will have to wait…)

Step 1…

Step 2…

Step 3…

Step 4…

Tadaaaaa!  The salmon-buger-defroster-5000!!

11 hours later, the salmon burger had still not budged from it’s torrid love affair with the two-bit-hooker of a piece of paper.  Time to sword-and-the-stone this bitch!

I learned a valuable lesson today.  Trader Joe’s salmon burgers are stupid and are not meant to be eaten by any civilized creature.

*Trader Joe’s probably doesn’t promise anything…at least I don’t know if they do…I threw away the box…I mean…recycled…I recycled the box…I did not use it to kill a rabid cockroach and then throw it in the garbage…