Day 2,920: What did the zero say to the eight?

Hey there adoring fans (Ashley P.)!

I woke up this morning with my arms wrapped around a newly 56 year old…female…with 8 nipples.

Today Ruby turns 8!

To celebrate the birth of my best friend/companion/cock blocker.  I’ve decided to share with you 8 interesting facts about Ruby.


1.  She has 2 self designated sleeping stations.  Station one is at the foot of the bed.  She stays at station one until 8 minutes before I’m supposed to wake up.  At the 8 minute mark, she makes her way to station two, the top of the bed, and scratches the blankets until I let her under the covers.  She stays at station two for 8 minutes and then gives me the stink eye when it’s time to wake up.  Why does she only want to be under the covers for the 8 minutes before I have to wake up?  I have no idea.  I’m not a pet psychic.


2.  Dawn is my pet psychic.  Dawn told me once that Ruby does not like turtle neck sweaters, but she will tolerate wearing one only because she knows how cute everyone thinks she looks in it.


3.  I have a theory that Ruby’s beard is used as a communication device between all of the dogs in Central Park. I believe that dogs keep each other up to date through urination.  Them peeing on a rock is equal to our updating Facebook statuses.  Ruby makes a great urine transmitter because she has a full beard and from what I can tell, a subpar sense of smell (as she has to get close enough to wet spots on trees, curbs, and hobos that her eyeballs now smell of urine as well).  My theory is that when other dogs stop her in the park to smell her face, they use her urine filled beard to check in on their other doggie friends.  “Looks like Petunia finally found that bone that she hid back in December…”  “Wow, Rufus is not happy that his owners took his balls…”  I’m planning on writing a romance themed children’s book about this theory called Two if by pee. 


4.  Every day Ruby is seems surprised that I have roommates.  She barks at them as if she’s never seen them before, and is quite befuddled as to why they enter and exit the apartment without first asking her permission.


5.  Ruby loves popcorn, chic peas, and boogers.  Never leave a used tissue lying around when Ruby’s in your presence.  Or, do and watch something really gross happen.


6.  Ruby is half squirrel.  She fills her mouth with 17 pellets of food from her bowl and then takes them to a carpeted area to eat them while you watch.


7.  Ruby is not really half squirrel. She is an affenpinscher, which I’m told means “monkey dog” in German. Occasionally I’ve offered this nugget of information to  strangers asking about her breed in the park, and on one occasion someone was shocked to learn that I owned something that was half-monkey-half-dog.


8.  Ruby’s full name is Ruby Pubey.  Her theme song goes like this: Ruby…Ruby Pubey…Queen of the wild frontier.  (To the tune of Davey Crocket).


Happy Birthday Ruby!